My sister disgusts me, need advice

[sallysue12]

So I am 25, my sister is almost 29 - I have an almost 1 year old and my sister has no children

My sister however is 29, lives at home with our parents has had 8 jobs in 6 months and just treats my parents so bad but they are SO nice to her and no matter what, if she disappears for a week on a bender and loses her job, comes home, they'll still support her and help her but she actually has the worst attitude and acts like a 15 year old girl and it starting to really grind on me. Recently , she's been hanging around with a bad bunch and she is so vulgar to be around, she will impulsively say things infront of my family or swear and just be so impulsive constantly like she's so unpredictable with her actions and what she says, like my son was sat in his high chair at my mums and she just starts putting her middle finger up at him and like yeah fuck you, and also been out for a week god knows if she showered and just walked in like she's not slept and goes to put her fingers in my sons mouth to feels for teeth and it's dirty, and she's just acting so erratic like bursting out in song in the middle of a dinner or she just really rude and outspoken and not taking care of her self and she is so snappy my parents don't say anything or confront her because she goes 1-100 and I say they are enabling her to continue acting like this brat because there not saying anything back to her but they won't listen , they just are full of love constantly but my sister is discusting and I'm sick of my family putting up with her behaviour for a 29 year old , it saddens me that she is 29 acting around with 21 year olds that don't work or do bad things, she's never been like this until the last year and a half since she started hanging around with people younger than her and she's literally became this weird, over baring person and I can't deal with it anymore !!!

So i have said to my parents, that until something changes in her behaviour I won't be bringing my little boy around theres anymore, because I don't like the way she is with my son, I don't like how she speaks to us and I don't like how they get her what she wants with how she treats them it's not normal at all and it's letting her mind think she's still this 15 year old girl, im not doing this to punish my mum or dad, I'm doing this because I'm hoping that something will change if she realises she's missing out on being around me or her nephew, my mum and dad will still come to ours, and also I can't bare it to see her keep acting this erratic around my son , just wondering what anyone's opinions are or any suggestions?

No bad comments towards my parents, I think because of her age they feel like they can't say too much to her and they hate it when she goes for a week and can't get a hold of her and she tends to storm out and go missing for a week after they try speak to her, it's so hard but something needs to be done now because I can't take seeing her treat my parents like this much longer

[ConquestEmpireHungerPlague]

Hi @sallysue12. You might want to ask MNHQ to move your thread to Relationships, where more people are likely to be able to offer advice. At the moment it's in the Family History forum, which is for people tracing their family tree or doing genealogy research.

[RogersVideo]

Reading your post is like watching an episode of Intervention. Adult child has addiction issues (and usually underlying mental health issues causing the addiction). Parents become massive enablers because they love their child/ feel guilty. Family home becomes a toxic place and other siblings are sidelined and alienated. Parents are basically addicted to their addicted child iyswim.

So you're not alone OP. And you're not doing the wrong thing by taking a step back. You can only change your behaviour.

[GoLightlyontheEarth]

Sheer chance I repeated what the poster above me said!

[GoLightlyontheEarth]

Your sister is clearly very unwell. If I were you I would arrange to meet your parents outside the house with your child. Can they come over to you or you could meet them for a walk? They sound like they desperately need to get out of the house if she behaves like this anyway. Try to talk to them about how they can get help for her and manage her behaviour. They need to find out how to get her assessed properly and see what housing or support she can access that doesn’t involve them. They are probably desperate and don’t know what to do. It is their choice if they continue to have her live with them whilst she is behaving like this. The best you can do is protect yourself and your child because she sounds very toxic. Keep away from her and try to support your parents as best you can. This is a living hell for them .

[SleepOhHowIMissYou]

You need to emphasise with your parents and put yourself in their place, imagine if this was your child showing signs poor mental health and addiction, what would you do?

You are correct to protect your child while your sister is so unstable (and that is what your parents are doing too with your sister).

If you were to become mentally ill, be assured that your parents will support you (as they are doing for your sister).

I think you need to stop thinking about this in terms of how this affects you and perhaps start to think about how you can support your parents through this. It must be a living hell for them.

[Iseeyoulookingatme]

Your sister sounds very unwell op. Have your parents tried to access help for her? Drug and alcohol addiction often goes hand in hand with mental health problems.

[Cloverleaf20]

You’re not going to fix this, I am having similar problems. It’s taken me a while to realise this and now highlighting the problem to my parents has made me the bad one. Accept or take yourself out of the equation, your parents need to realise this is not acceptable behaviour and something needs addressing !

[Titsinknicks]

I'm not sure op that you are grasping what people are saying. You asked for opinions. Just because your sister thinks that on the surface she's had it easy (and by the way you've said yourself she talks shit) that doesn't mean she has. Maybe she's not very intelligent either.

[DragonPoop]

I’d definitely say she has either severe mental health issues (this was my first instinct) and/or addictions (drugs?alcohol?)

[Quartz2208]

[quote sallysue12]@Titsinknicks no she really has, and if you'd ask her she'd say so herself in a very cocky way too, she had a break up about 10 year ago and other than that , that's been the most trauma in her life [/quote]
You dont need trauma in your life to kickstart mental illness OP. It can work like that with PTSD but many are not.

Your sister sounds as if she may be bipolar actually

www.webmd.com/depression/guide/bipolar-disorder-manic-depression#1-3

See if that fits of have some kind of BPD as well.

She needs some proper medical attention actually and you need to support your parents into getting the help and probable medication she needs

[sallysue12]

@Titsinknicks no she really has, and if you'd ask her she'd say so herself in a very cocky way too, she had a break up about 10 year ago and other than that , that's been the most trauma in her life

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Mental health crisis and / or addiction. She needs some professional help to work through her issues.

[1forAll74]

She might well be using drugs, and alcohol too. These can obviously change a persons behaviour, and if the people she mixes with are all the same, she won't be feeling bad about anything, as she has fallen in with like wise people.

I think you are wise cutting contact with your sister for the time being. But you can't do much about your parents ways, unless they get real, and understand that your Sister will maybe go too far with this lifestyle that she has. It's obviously affecting her on the job front also.

[Titsinknicks]

It doesn't sound like your sister has had it 'so good' if these issues have been ongoing since she was a child. I admire your parents for supporting her. Like others have said she sounds unwell and unhappy and in a bad way.

[sallysue12]

@PyongyangKipperbang @Karwomannghia @Karwomannghia @user1465146157 @Lbnc2021 @Patriciathestripper1 @Aquamarine1029 @StarsonaString @Sandgrown1970 it's funny you say this because she has always been the type of kid when we were younger to say what she liked, when she liked , no matter where we were and it could be quite embarrassing sometimes, something small someone said could lead into a massive explosion she's always been this type of person but it's only been until the last year, I know she has been taking drugs I hate to admit it because it's just not the way we have been brought up and it breaks my heart, I can't even feel sorry for her because since we were young she's chosen friends over family always, she's never been bothered about us as much , only when she wants something or if we go on holiday, I've always been super close to my parents and couldn't bare a day without talking to them she literally only comes when she wants money or help getting out of shit, so now she's got her self into this problem I can't feel sorry for her because she's just brought it all on herself, she's always had it so good, my parents really are the most caring and we had the best child hood too, I just don't know why she treats them this way and even more so this past year and they would literally give her their last penny that's just the type of people they are, and for anyone in their lives. Mental health I definitely think the drugs have played a part and I do think that's why she's acting more erratic too but if I mention anything about addiction she just gets really nasty towards me then I'm always wishing I hadn't said anything. X

[Lavanderrose]

I think your sister may be suffering from a breakdown, or some other mental illness. Or something could have happened to her, trauma of some kind? You cannot force your parents to challenge your sister, the only thing you can do is enforce your own boundaries which you’ve done. However it might be worth talking to your sister and asking her if everything is ok...

[Sandgrown1970]

This doesn’t sound like someone who deserves “disgust”. She appears to have an enduring mental health condition that’s undiagnosed. She needs support and access to the relevant treatment.

With due respect, either help her to access help via GP services or social services or back off. Your parents are grown adults and can make their own decisions over what level of support they want to offer.

[StarsonaString]

Agree your sister sounds mentally unwell. Possibly also with addiction(s).

However, while that may partially explain her behaviour, its not an excuse for acting poorly to you and the baby. She is unlikely to be motivated to get help while your parents enable her. They are holding her back but they won't understand that as they can't see the wood for the trees.

All you can do is withdraw like you are doing. Support your parents if they wish to pull back from her or get her proper help. Don't push as they will get defensive - avoiding the topic and breezily brushing off attempts to discuss her is your best strategy. Good luck.

[Aquamarine1029]

Your sister sounds unwell

Agreed, very unwell, and with addiction possible as well. I also agree in that I would not have my child around her for any reason. How awful, op. I feel terrible for everyone involved, including your sister.

[Somethingkindaoooo]

Your sister sounds unwell

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Has she ever been to the doctor about her issues? I ask because what you describe about her outburtst etc sound very similar to a family member who has tourettes (sadly there is a lot of misinformation around this condition, it isnt just about swearing or twitching, it can lead to other uncontrollable behaviour too including in some cases, the 1 to 100 rage you describe).

And I agree that her benders may suggest some sort of self medication with alcohol and/or drugs. Add in the lack of self care and it really does add up to some serious MH issues.

All that said, you are doing the right thing by protecting yourself and your family from her potentially damaging behaviour. I wonder if your parents have always known that there was something different about her and have tried to protect her, when in fact the best thing they could do is help her get help.

[Patriciathestripper1]

I dont think you or your son are on her radar.
She seems to be trying to re live her teenage years and your parents are going along with it. I’d steer clear for a while as you dont need that shite in your life and your parents are old enough to deal with her.

[Lbnc2021]

I was going to say what the pp said, sounds like your sister has some sort of mental health problem. I don’t think there’s much you can do other than what you’ve already done tbh.

[user1465146157]

It's so hard, have you ever been close with your sister, when you were younger? Is there a possibility of having a heart to heart with her?
To say how you feel and then that you obviously have to put your child first if she won't change

If she's still immature and unreasonable after that then you'd be doing the right thing by avoiding her for a bit, she's not good for your son and he's most important.

Good luck, it's a tough one x

[Karwomannghia]

It sounds very much like your sister has severe mental health issues and has an addiction. Your parents are probably very worried about her when she disappears and trying their best to keep her safe and well.
You can’t control them or her but you can decide when to see them. Think about how you want to raise your own family and be grateful for you own wellness.