Advice on emotions of foster daughter

[Nogodsnomasters]

Hello,

I'm hoping for some advice from other foster carers on managing emotions of foster children.
We have a 9yr old little girl who has lived with us for almost 2yrs. Without obviously going into too much detail here - little girl is the saddest child frequently. I have tried so many things to manage her sadness, obviously comforting her being the first one, distraction (trying to engage her in playing), talking about the positives of the situation, giving her space alone, but nothing seems to work when she goes through these spells. The SW is trying to get counselling into place for her but you know what the wait lists are like.
Does anyone have experience of extremely sad children and any other tactics to manage this? Thank you

[Oxborn]

I have no experience in this but you sound like a amazing fosterparent

[pjani]

Given her life circumstances - not living with her birth family - I think any of us would be sad. Maybe just accepting it, allowing it, sitting with her through it.

[Nogodsnomasters]

@Oxborn

I have no experience in this but you sound like a amazing fosterparent

Oh thank you that is kind of you to say.

[Nogodsnomasters]

@pjani

Given her life circumstances - not living with her birth family - I think any of us would be sad. Maybe just accepting it, allowing it, sitting with her through it.

Yes I agree, it's just this is the first time experiencing this scenario as foster carers because our first foster child was very young and didn't understand the situation, the next was a teenager who was grateful to be away from birth family, 3rd was a tiny baby so this is the first child we've had who is going through these emotions frequently. SW is supportive but I'm worried some of their tactics are potentially making things worse as they're giving her items that almost remind her of the situation more such as scrap books and the like. Maybe I am wrong, I'm not sure, it's a minefield.

[titchy]

I'm not sure distraction or reminding her of the positives are particularly helpful actually. Presumably her sadness is completely understandable and justified, and not something she should be encouraged to ignore, which both those methods do.

Letting her talk as much as she wants about her past trauma and learning to accept it would be more beneficial in the long run. Plus trying to encourage her to see herself in the round, and not solely in relation to her trauma - so not the 'abused kid' but the 'kid who's brilliant at football who was also abused in her earlier years'.

[DancefloorAcrobatics]

No experience whatsoever.
Can she verbalise what makes her sad?
Maybe talking about it and letting her know it's ok to be sad abut xyz will help her process these feelings.

[titchy]

Maybe also some sort of CBT techniques so when she does get these feelings they don't overwhelm her.

[Nogodsnomasters]

@titchy

I'm not sure distraction or reminding her of the positives are particularly helpful actually. Presumably her sadness is completely understandable and justified, and not something she should be encouraged to ignore, which both those methods do.

Letting her talk as much as she wants about her past trauma and learning to accept it would be more beneficial in the long run. Plus trying to encourage her to see herself in the round, and not solely in relation to her trauma - so not the 'abused kid' but the 'kid who's brilliant at football who was also abused in her earlier years'.

Seeing the positives is a gratitude tactic and distraction is frequently advised for anxieties so I thought I was doing the right thing there, maybe these should only be used on adults? Her sadness is completely and totally justified but should I just let her wallow in it for long periods of time, isn't that unhealthy?
The problem with talking about it is that with being so young and obviously already in care for over 3yrs it's hard for to remember and voice her trauma's - mostly what is said by her is "I miss X" "I wish I could see X" - it's almost like grief I feel.

[Headstarttohappiness]

For you. Have you had training in attachment theory? Some IFAs provide this don’t know about LAs.

For her. Can the SW get her some play therapy or equine therapy? I’ve seen good results with both of these and can work on non verbal basis.

Wishing you the very best of luck with
this amazing work you are doing!

[Menomeno]

I grew up in care and it can feel very sad and lonely, even with wonderful foster parents. I missed my mum and my brothers horrendously, and I constantly worried about them.

I don’t think there’s any magic wand here. You can’t change her circumstances. You sound lovely and caring, and that’s exactly what she needs. Don’t feel scared of her being sad. Allow her to feel it, and let her know that you understand that she must be feeling sad, and that’s okay. Encourage her to talk you if she wants to.

Keep pushing for the counselling. It’s disgraceful that it’s not routinely given for looked after children who will all have varying degrees of trauma. Just being removed from your family is traumatic in itself, even without other potential adverse events that may have happened.

But remember that you are doing a wonderful job. Our own maternal instincts make us want to ‘fix’ things and remove the pain, but we can’t always do that. You can give care and stability, and I promise you that one day she will look back and be really grateful and feel truly blessed that you were there when she needed you, even though she probably won’t appreciate that now. The world needs more people like you. x

[Passthepickle]

It isn’t like grief, it is grief. Could you do a counselling course then use some of the holding space and reflection techniques maybe? Not letting someone wallow is also invalidating the emotional response that they need to process. She needs therapy and help to articulate and manage her losses. It’s great that she is with you and you are reflective and able to parent each of your foster children as they need. Sadness is so hard for us to see in children. I hope it improves for you all.

[Nogodsnomasters]

@Headstarttohappiness

For you. Have you had training in attachment theory? Some IFAs provide this don’t know about LAs.

For her. Can the SW get her some play therapy or equine therapy? I’ve seen good results with both of these and can work on non verbal basis.

Wishing you the very best of luck with
this amazing work you are doing!

Thank you, no I have not had attachment training, I foster with my local trust (NI).
We did 6 sessions of equine therapy last year and she did enjoy this but I don't feel like it did anything for her emotionally. SW has us on a waiting list for play therapy at the moment.
Thank you for replying

[Nogodsnomasters]

@Menomeno

I grew up in care and it can feel very sad and lonely, even with wonderful foster parents. I missed my mum and my brothers horrendously, and I constantly worried about them.

I don’t think there’s any magic wand here. You can’t change her circumstances. You sound lovely and caring, and that’s exactly what she needs. Don’t feel scared of her being sad. Allow her to feel it, and let her know that you understand that she must be feeling sad, and that’s okay. Encourage her to talk you if she wants to.

Keep pushing for the counselling. It’s disgraceful that it’s not routinely given for looked after children who will all have varying degrees of trauma. Just being removed from your family is traumatic in itself, even without other potential adverse events that may have happened.

But remember that you are doing a wonderful job. Our own maternal instincts make us want to ‘fix’ things and remove the pain, but we can’t always do that. You can give care and stability, and I promise you that one day she will look back and be really grateful and feel truly blessed that you were there when she needed you, even though she probably won’t appreciate that now. The world needs more people like you. x

Thank you so much for this. Your perspective is exactly what I needed. Yes the missing people seems to be the main cause of the sadness and this can go for family members who she sees weekly as it does for family members she has not seen for 8 months! And her worry over their wellbeing even adults.

Absolutely my maternal instinct is to fix this for her but you're right I need to somehow accept that I can't do that and no amount of reassurance is going to change the circumstances of her little life. X

[Nogodsnomasters]

@Passthepickle

It isn’t like grief, it is grief. Could you do a counselling course then use some of the holding space and reflection techniques maybe? Not letting someone wallow is also invalidating the emotional response that they need to process. She needs therapy and help to articulate and manage her losses. It’s great that she is with you and you are reflective and able to parent each of your foster children as they need. Sadness is so hard for us to see in children. I hope it improves for you all.

A counselling course is a great idea! I had never thought of that. I've had counselling myself over the years and currently having it now, but never considered me doing maybe an even an entry level course to see if I can help her. It is so hard to witness her sadness and not be able to do anything to help it.

[AmaryllisChorus]

I think what I would do is tell her she's allowed to be sad. It's the most normal and healthy emotion to feel when bad things have happened in our lives. And things have happened in her life that you wish hadn't happened because she is lovely and doesn't deserve them.

Then I'd say, when we are sad, it is incredibly important for us to take extra good care of ourselves, so the sadness doesn't take over our lives. It has a place, but so do more uplifting states of mind - like self care, cosiness, happiness, playfulness, hope, silliness, bravery etc. So when she is sad, she needs to gather together some things that help her feel secure and loved, by herself and by you, so she doesn't end up getting stuck inside that sadness feeling powerless and sadder than she needs to be. Maybe a favourite cuddly toy, a hug from you, a cosy blanket, a nice healthy snack, a soothing song, book, favourite happy cartoon or film, maybe a calming game to play - an easy card game, or lego.

Longer term, you could help her discover an activity she enjoys that puts her in a state of flow - where we are happily absorbed in what we are doing. Drawing or painting is good for this - making music, any craft activity she likes, maybe dance or sport or singing.

[Nogodsnomasters]

An example from today is that she came to me asking for a hug with tears in her eyes, I sat down and cuddled with her and she cried for 20 minutes straight because she misses her old school and has been reminded of this because yesterday SW brought over photos of her in her old nursery school in her uniform, so I'm not sure the SW's tactics are helping as they just remind her of her losses?

[pjani]

I listened to a podcast recently where someone was expressing their deep sadness that they couldn’t remember members of their family anymore. They had lost them when they were a child. They felt angry that no-one had made up a scrapbook because it meant they never laid down their childhood memories into ‘longer-term memory’. So they were lost forever.

Right now she can remember being 6 and cry and process some of that pain.

In future without tools like scrapbooks and talking, she might forget. But that doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there, it’s just lost or buried.

So instead of sadness, which she is currently able to cry about and ask for comfort, she might feel an inchoate rage. She might feel empty. She might act out in confusion. What she is going through at the moment actually sounds as positive as it can given the circumstances she is in. She feels pain, she cries and asks for comfort. Hard to sit through but emotionally, that’s just what you’d want (and also - testament to you and the security she must feel with you).

Try and imagine this scenario. You yourself are removed from your home and every loved one - you own parents, siblings, children - and placed in a house with a kind and caring person.

You would like to look at photos of your parents, siblings, children and house to cry. Although that would be sad, wouldn’t it be a teeny tiny comfort? Wouldn’t it be one of the most meaningful things possible for you? Now imagine that kind and caring stranger wants to stop you seeing photos of your old house and kids and siblings - how much that removal would hurt.

[Nogodsnomasters]

@pjani

I listened to a podcast recently where someone was expressing their deep sadness that they couldn’t remember members of their family anymore. They had lost them when they were a child. They felt angry that no-one had made up a scrapbook because it meant they never laid down their childhood memories into ‘longer-term memory’. So they were lost forever.

Right now she can remember being 6 and cry and process some of that pain.

In future without tools like scrapbooks and talking, she might forget. But that doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there, it’s just lost or buried.

So instead of sadness, which she is currently able to cry about and ask for comfort, she might feel an inchoate rage. She might feel empty. She might act out in confusion. What she is going through at the moment actually sounds as positive as it can given the circumstances she is in. She feels pain, she cries and asks for comfort. Hard to sit through but emotionally, that’s just what you’d want (and also - testament to you and the security she must feel with you).

Try and imagine this scenario. You yourself are removed from your home and every loved one - you own parents, siblings, children - and placed in a house with a kind and caring person.

You would like to look at photos of your parents, siblings, children and house to cry. Although that would be sad, wouldn’t it be a teeny tiny comfort? Wouldn’t it be one of the most meaningful things possible for you? Now imagine that kind and caring stranger wants to stop you seeing photos of your old house and kids and siblings - how much that removal would hurt.

She sees her siblings and one parent 3x per month and has completed a family tree with all her family members connected on it (as it's quite a large family and would be difficult for anyone to remember let alone a little child) so with that in mind there is no way she would forget people as such. And I would never ever tell her she shouldn't look at photos or her family tree or scrapbooks that the SW brings, that's absolutely not my place, the SW is the professional with training and knows far more than I do but it's more the reminder of her losses and by that I don't just mean family members but even like today the change of school is a loss (of friends and teachers). I mean just personally if I knew my own son was upset about something that happened in the past - I wouldn't keep bringing it up or showing him reminders of this if he's happily trotting along because I'd only be bringing the painful memory to the forefront of his mind, if he happens to think of it himself then of course I'd talk it through with him but i wouldn't instigate it if that makes sense? And I feel that's what the items continually being delivered to her almost do. I hope I'm explaining myself well enough.

[pimplebum]

Validate her sadness allow her to paint pictures and talk about it find /write a song that she can relate to

Can she be linked with other child who have similar sadness. Network online so she is less alone

A celebrity who has similar life experiences?

[pimplebum]

... exercise , nature , massage aromatherapy

[Nogodsnomasters]

@pimplebum

... exercise , nature , massage aromatherapy

I hadn't thought of aromatherapy, this is a great idea thank you so much. I will definitely try this next time.

[Nogodsnomasters]

@pimplebum

Validate her sadness allow her to paint pictures and talk about it find /write a song that she can relate to

Can she be linked with other child who have similar sadness. Network online so she is less alone

A celebrity who has similar life experiences?

Yes she is linked with other looked after children at school, every Tues they all come out of their classes and come together and spend time with a therapeutic teacher there who does activities with them and it's called "the nuture club" she really enjoys it.

[FortofPud]

The latest research regarding traumatic events in children shows that those who are able/allowed/encouaged to process their trauma at the time end up having fewer issues down the road. The ones who appear to be coping well, bouncing back, and getting on with other things aren't actually in a healthier position as their brain isn't getting a chance to make sense of what happened, feel it thoroughly, and file it in the appropriate places. Watching a child process something well can look them them going over things repeatedly, re-opening wounds, drawing pictures/talking about the traumatic thing endlessly - that can be a very tough thing to see them endure over and over but it does seem to be the better option for their mental health long term. It makes sense really - when we acknowledge huge life-shattering events as the catastrophe that they are we are teaching them how to ascribe emotions correctly rather than suppress them and pretend.

You sound like you are doing a lovely job.

[MumChp]

Councelling - you will do that. Of course and yes waiting lists are long.
Ask if group meetings for foster children are available in your area.
You could try to read children's books with her in the subject. She might like to draw.

Love her - I was that child and I knew my (foster) parents loved me and accepted I was sad - it made a big diffence for me. Even being young.

[Nogodsnomasters]

Yes we have borrowed several books from the library about how families come in all shapes and some children can't live with their parents and childrens books about what foster carers do also, she did enjoy these and I think her understanding of the situation is very good, it's just the longing of wanting the situation to be different than how it is - it's so hard to find the right words to soothe sometimes as I don't ever want to say the wrong thing that could be misconstrued in a child's mind so I try to say vague or generic things and then feel like I've not contributed anything other than acknowledging her pain 😞 such as questions like "why doesn't my mummy come to see me?" I've been advised by SW not to tell any white lies that cover for mummy's behaviour but you just desperately want to sugarcoat things and protect them.