Foster child is bonding with everyone except me.

[Bluedolphin1971]

I have a foster child aged 9with us, she has been with us for almost 2 years, and she just doesn't seem to be bonding with me.

She has bonded with my husband and my youngest birth child. I'm trying everything to have time with her so we can bond but she doesn't want to. I should point out she has a bond with her mum, and is constantly telling me I'm not the best mum in the world but her mum is (she has been away from her mum for 5 years now). She constantly tells my husband he is the best dad in the whole wide world. She does call me mum, but to her friends at school she will say I'm her foster carer. My birth child attends the same school as her and she says he is her brother.

She has accused me of hitting her a couple of times which I have reported straight away and SS have spoken to her and she has said nothing happened. She says I hurt her when I brush her hair (she isn't able to brush her her properly herself as she acts more like a 4 years old), again I have reported that she has said this.

She does other things that seems as if she is trying to get my back up I'd I will ask her if she wants something to eat she says no and when I make myself something to eat as soon as I sit down to eat it, she will then say I want something to eat or she will ask for something to eat I will make it for her and then she will say I don't want that. She plays my husband and me off each other. Gifts my husband and I have bought for her for Christmas she says her mum and my husband bought her.

Whenever I ask her to do something IE tidy her room or pick something up, she ignores me, but if my husband tells her to do it, she does it straight away. There have been a couple of times when I've thought she is going to hit me, but nothing has come of it.

She looks as me with pure hatred sometimes (that's what it seems to me anyway)

I have told SS all about this but they say this is the most settled they have ever seen her, school say she is doing great as well. I really don't know what to do. We are currently going through the process of haven't her permenantly but sometimes I feel uncomfortable in my own home because I don't know how she is going to be.

Don't get me wrong, she is a lovely little girl and generally she is well behaved but there is no bond and now I'm finding it difficult to have a conversation with her or even to include her in anything.

I feel so selfish and childish writing this, but I don't know what to do to help the two of us bond.

Any ideas?

[Guiltypleasures001]

Projecting bloody iPad

[Lasttangoin2016]

Just seen that she calls you 'mum and dad'. Would she feel happier calling you and your husband by your first names? We were long term foster carers, but none of our foster children ever called us mum and dad. We explained that they already had parents and that we were looking after them in our family, like parents, but not parents. They were also always (age appropriately) aware of why they were in care.

Ultimately, this may not be a good long term placement for your family. It has to work for you as well as the child and if you don't feel comfortable around her, and fear allegations, it may just be a case of not being a god match.

[IguanaTail]

I agree with pp - she already has a mum and no matter how unable she is to look after her, your fd will feel disloyal accepting you possibly?

Could it be an idea to back off her a little bit rather than trying to force the bonding thing? Also make sure she overhears you saying really nice things about her now and again. The fact things are going well at school and that she is bonding well with your DH and DS is really really important and the stability and care you are offering her is obviously having a great impact. Kids at that age are really manipulative and do like to be ultra pleasant and obedient towards one parent / teacher in order to show another how nice they can be.

You can piggy back onto that though "dad and I were really impressed by how well you tidied your room when you were asked" etc.

Let her come to you. I know the tendency is to think that the more time and energy and lovely things you put into her will make her want to bond with you, but in fact leaving her alone a bit and cooling things in terms of the amount of time you spend with her might help.

Rather than offering to play with her when your son's friend came round, perhaps re-word it as "well I'm going to (do some planting / make some biscuits / sort the washing / watch a film.... you're welcome to join me or of course do your own thing" smile warmly and walk off. Leave her to pick.

And definitely follow through with being called an idiot - it's rude.

[steppemum]

I wonder (would check this idea with someone with more expertise though)

anyway, I wonder if sitting down with her and saying that she has a Mum who is very special, even if she can't look after her, and that you don't want to take her mum's place.
You have a different place and it is also important, but you aren't trying to replace mum. How about using a different name for yourself? So Mama instead of Mum, or Auntie Flo instead of Mum or something like that?

[Bluedolphin1971]

Thanks everyone one again for replying. I do feel a little bit better, because I was wondering if I was doing things right.

When she first came to us, she would call us by our first names, we never asked her to call us mum and dad, she did that herself. Not sure how SS would feel if we asked her to change what she calls us.

I love doing arts and crafts and have often asked if she would like to do something, and she has said yes, but she doesnt want me to sit with her, she either wants my husband or my son to sit with her. It got to the stage where my husband said he wasn't sitting with her and she should sit with me, (hoping that she would sit next to me) but she then said she wasn't doing it. This was probably the wrong thing to do as he was kind of forcing her to sit with me.

I have bought her little things that I know she likes, she loves key rings, so when I buy her them, I say things like "I saw this and thought of you so I bought it for you" she just threw them in the bin.

I have been trying to get her into play therapy so I'm waiting on SS getting back to me on that.

I will just keep doing what I'm doing but maybe take a step back and see how that goes. But once again thank you for giving me advice, you have all made me feel a bit better. I was really beginning to think it was me.

[RandomMess]

You it makes me so sad and mad that she desperately needs help but because she's thriving compared to how she was previously SS aren't finding the funding to help her be truly content/accepting/moving forward.

Please be very very honest and direct with SS and tell them that she isn't "happy" that she has huge issues allowing her self to be attached to you.

If you are looking at being a long term carer for her then please, please use this as a bargaining tool to get SS to get her them help she needs.

[3PurpleCrocs]

As already said, it sounds like she has huge attachment issues. The triangulation of herself, yourself and your husband is a classic symptom - also see "splitting". I'm assuming you're the main carer, which is why you're the one she'll be most wary of and most likely to push away.

I only have the things you've posted here to go on but if it were me I'd be thinking carefully about going long term - sometimes once you go past a certain point you can't go back. On the other hand, sometimes it takes a while for things to click and for the little girl to see you're not another person who's going to give up on her.

I live with a child with disorganised attachment disorder. It's very hard and sadly there's barely any funding to support looked after children with mental health problems at the moment. LO is with me as a single carer as they just couldn't handle living in a family environment. As much as you love this little girl it might be that she's the same. That doesn't reflect badly on you.

One big thing that's helped us by the way is vastly reducing contact. It was amazing to see changes for the better appear within weeks of contact stopping.

[Lasttangoin2016]

Good post Purple Crocs. Can I ask if this is your first foster child OP?

[Bluedolphin1971]

No, she is my 8th foster child.

[Toomuch2young]

Yes you have had some really good advice and seem like you are trying hard. I think play therapy would be really beneficial, if SS do not have the budget this could be paid for by the school using her enhanced pupil premium, I would contact the SENCO and talk about what her funding as a LAC is being spent on as this is the sort of thing it is for.

[SealSong]

CAMHS practitioner here. She is clearly in emotional turmoil, and may subconsciously feel that by bonding with you she is being disloyal to her birth mother so she can't allow herself to attach to you. Also if she has had previous placements that have ended or broken down this will further impact on her ability to attach. She is likely to be emotionally traumatised and her behaviour will not be conscious, it will be a subconscious attempt to protect herself from future hurt. Please don't take it personally.
You need to try to think of her in this way. She is not able to function in the same way as a child who has not had similar adverse life experiences so you need to adjust your expectations of her.
I'm concerned also that if you are expecting her to call you Mum then that is emotionally confusing and damaging for her - she has a Mum already. I don't think that's appropriate and when I was a LAC social worker I would have advised against that. Is she with you for a long term placement? - what are the expectations?

You should have a placement support social worker? I.e. a social worker to support you both as foster carers (the girl will have her own social worker as a looked after child). The role of the placement support social worker is to help you develop understanding of the needs of your foster child and how best to support her and encourage positive behaviours....I ould strongly suggest contacting your placement support social worker and talking this through with them, and seek further guidance from them on how to meet this child's emotional needs in the first instance.

These books - here and here are what I would consider essential reading to understand how to parent traumatised children - including those in foster care.

[SealSong]

Sorry my above post comes across as if I don't think you're doing a good job - I think you very much are, but a bit more understanding of why your foster child is behaving as she is will help you find the best ways to respond to it.

[Bluedolphin1971]

Seal song I never said I expected her to call me mum. I said she started calling me mum herself, about a couple of months after she came to us. Her social worker and my social worker were fine with her calling me mum and my husband dad because she was placed with us at the first instance as long term and now it is going to be permenant.

[Bluedolphin1971]

As soon as she started calling us mum and dad I contacted SS to ask about this, and they thought this was great. At her last placement, she started calling the other foster carer mum, and was told by that foster carer not to call her mum because she wouldn't be living with her for long (she ended up living with her for about 3 years).

[SealSong]

OK apologies, I misread that bit, thanks for the clarification. Hope the rest of my post is of some use to you though.

[RandomMess]

SealSong may be able to comment on whether this would be appropriate for her:

From "how to talk to kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" the element of letting a child verbalise their fantasies.

"Wouldn't it be great if you could live with your Mum and have Dad and brothers like x and y." you could also add onto that "I wish that could happen for you however much I love having you here I know how much you would like to be with your Mum"

[Copperspider]

Lots of good advice from other posters. Confused loyalties and hurting you because she feels safe with you, but also to test you sound spot on.

I saw this on a different thread www.freedomfields.org/ I've no personal experience, but wondered if it might be suitable, maybe for just the two of you to go, rather than your whole family (but I'm sure they could advise)? It may be easier to get funding (or pay yourself) for a one-off cost, than for on-going therapy (the play therapy that was agreed for my little one never happened.)

Good luck, and well done for hanging in there, and for all that you've done so far for her.