Feeling confused, am I too strict?

[dianewalker]

Ever since dd was about 1 (now 4) I hae been quite fussy with what I fed her. I don't think she minds too much, we went to her cousins birthday party last week, she was given a party bag with the usual stuff in it. She emptied it all out on the table and promptly told her uncle that she couldnt eat anything with Es in, too much sugar or colours. She was left with a small bag of buttons.
I am now feeling confused, I have recently been told by my best friend and my parents that I am too strict with her, and that I am gonna make things worse in the long run. I don't let her have drinks that contain sugar or aspartame, no sweets like haribo etc, just chocolate based at the weekend if she has been good all week- and then I limit her. No icing on birthday cakes, no jam tarts. The list goes on! She doesn't complain, shes used to it. What do I do. Should I stick to what I beleive in or give in to friends and family. It's not just them though, I feel sorry when sh does go out to partys and she is retricted. Even at her nursery it is hard, I thought they were suposed to listen to what I say. Instead I now find out that at snack time she is given cakes with sprinkles (not allowd) or some sort of food that I have said she cannot have. I know that they have to feed the other children too, but why can't they respect my wishes. What do I do. Am I doing the right thing or am I screwing her up-turning her into a obsessive about food?

[tortoiseshell]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think the issue is in the approach the child has to sweets rather than the strictness. I am very strict with ds and dd in that they have never been to McDs or any of that type of place, we don't have sweets, biscuits etc in the house, don't buy sweets when we're out, only have cakes when we've made them at home as an activity. But what I'm trying to do is to be invisibly strict, so that I'm not always saying 'no you can't have that', it's just not in the house. And at parties I do let them because a little of anything isn't going to hurt.

Dh was not allowed any sugar as a child, and was lectured on the evils of sugar with the result that he craves it now, has sugar in tea/coffee etc. I'm sure it's because it was 'banned' rather than just not having it.

HTH!

[Blu]

er, beer OR raw liver - amongst my other terrible typos!

[Blu]

DianeW - i think when they are tiny it is god to be very particular, but as they get older, food begins to fulfill more functions. It is imprtant socially, and i think that cake at parties will have zero effect on her long term health!
Also now she is 4, I think it is maybe time that she learned to start making some of her own choices about what to eat, and accept or decline things offered to her at parties - you knw that no host is going to give her a beer of raw liver, I presume!!

I have not given DS (also now 4) sticky sweets - and now he belives that he doesn't actually like jelly and chewy sweets - but I have been very relaxed about chocolate - and he never eats more than he wants - I can give him a whole packet of buttons, and he will very likely only eat half and give me the rest of the packet to save. I have never held sweet puddings as a 'reward' for eating his savoury food - and now he eats pudding if hungry, but often declines. Once, he spotted some buttions half way through his spag bog - wanted one, I let him have one, and he happily ate the rest of his spag bog!

Let her start to have SOME control and choice, and she will learn to use it wisely in the future.

Control her completely, and she will be a secret sweet scoffer as soon as she is old enough to escape your beady eye!

[Moomin]

Just one more point. I think I read it in the Joanne Blythman book ('The food we give our children' or similar) - try to not to class sweets as a 'treat' as such. If you can, try to make sweets seem like an occasional part of a child's diet, like at parties, or on Sunday afternoons, etc. but not use them as a reward. Dd has a reward chart on the go at the moment and we never use food as a treat - she gets books or hairslides or similar. I want her to see sweets as something that can be taken or left, not the holy grail!

[Flossam]

[ednaferber]

You should allow frivolity occasionally.

[cleverclogs]

Flossam, that mars br would have been VERY bad for your dh, it was a tough sacrifice, bt someone has to do it!!!!

now go and clean your teeth

[Flossam]

Urm , to prove point - dp didn't want his so I ate both. One fat Flossam shamed on MN.

[Monstersmum]

My DS is 4 and i am probably better than some with regards to food and worse than others. He has sweets but thankfully doesn't like a lot of thems - likes chocolate and a particlar brand of chewy sweets, also likes Pez sweets. Doesn't like lollies, or ICE CREAM!!!

I think the 80/20 rule is a good yardstick. Good 80% or time and not so good 20%.

As others have pointed out you run the risk of making the bad stuff more attractive. I have a friend who was not allowed "rubbishy" sweets as a child and is totally obsessed now as an adult. Moderation in all things!

With regard to parties - they are not every day occurrences so you could relax. Re: party bags - I even now remove what I don't want him to have - i.e. bubblegum. The rest he tends to leave himself if he doesn't like it.

[Flossam]

just a quick post - my mum was really rather strict with sweet foods - i have two king size mars in the fridge and am considering not telling dp about his! be too controlling now and she may just rebel later.

[cleverclogs]

Hi Diane, it does sound as if youre being a little too strict and run the risk of alienating your child from other children in the shot term.

However I completely understand your reasons for doing what you are doing and your memories of your own childhood must be very painful ones.

As parents we only want the best for our children and often we will set out to avoid making the same mistakes that our own parents did.

Unfortunately though we sometimes manage to create the very same problems and issues for our chidren that we are desperately trying to avoid.

Your over eagerness may, in the end make your child too self conscious about herself and their own body image, that would be my biggest fear.

Moderation, usually ends up being the answer for most things, be it alcohol, food, sex !!(or whatever!) and it might be better to allow your daughter to have these treats at special times like parties etc. She is more likely to grow up with a healthy and balanced attitude towards food. (although I completely agree with you about artificial sweetners, I would opt for real sugar anytime) There is still plenty of opportunity for you to educate your daughter about healthy eating and when she starts school this will be part of the national curriculum anway. (I cnsider myself to be pretty clued up about diet bt my children can teach me a thing or too)

You are a brilliant mum who clearly loves her daughter very much, try not too worry, it is unlikely that she will have the same experiences you did at school, but i understand that its very hard to see it that way

ive wafled on a bit too long, will try to stop....

[Hattie05]

lol QofQ posts crossed.

Yes my dd is the same, bread aisle is far more exciting than the sweet aisle - which i never go down.

[soapbox]

Diane - In the nicest possible way, I think you are transferring your food problems and issues onto your child. That seems very unfair to me, although entirely understandable!

Is there anyway you can get help with your own issues with food so that the cycle doesn't perpetuate in your own child??????

[Hattie05]

Very true mummyjules.

As sweets were restricted from me, when i did and still do get my hands on them i scoff them all straight away.

whereas dd will have one or two and then forget about them (so guess who polishes them off ) I tell myself i'm doing her a favour .

I posted on here the other day about dd having a bowl of jelly tots, she played with them for hours 'cooking' them in her play kitchen and probably only actually ate about four of them. Then she came and said she was hungry so i gave her a bowl of raspberries, she ate the lot, then another bowl then another bowl!

Before anyone says - i know they say eating sweets all at once and then cleaning teeth is healthier than eating slowly throughout the day, thats why i polish them off for her!

[Moomin]

It doesn't have to be seen as defeat though, diane - don't be too hard on yourself. Just carry on as you are but then at the next party your dd is invited to, let her have a taste of the cake icing maybe. It doesn't mean your house will now be under siege from sweets and nasty fizzy pop! Just keep imagining what actual percentage of crappy food your dd will be eating compared to the good stuff and that will help you keep it in perspective. You've given her a good start and hopefully you've also given her a taste for the good stuff. My dd actually will stop eating birthday cake if she has had too much as she finds it too sickly - same with sweets. And she actually prefers drinking water to squash or pop. No-one can argue with you if she actually asks for the good stuff out of choice rather than 'mum says I can't have x, y z', can they?

[QueenOfQuotes]

Just rememeber if you do let her have a small bags of sweets - it's better for her teeth to have a little pack all at once, than to space them out throughout the day

[hymenlover]

i think you run the risk of her believing that "food is bad" which is a very dangerous path to go down

[spursmum]

I have already got instilled into my ds (3.5+ASD) that sweets and cakes are treats and can only have them when he has been good or done well at nursery etc. I have had parents come up to me in the supermarket asking how I get past the sweet aisle without him blinking an eye!! The bread aisle is a different matter. My ds loves his carbs!!!

[MummyJules]

Talking from experience - I started stealing and bingeing on sweets from the local shop when I was five because my mother neglected me in all sorts of way but was particuarly strict with sweets/chocolate or anything that could be seen as a treat. I am now quite overweight and still have what people class as an eating disorder.

I am sure that I read in one of the earlier Mumsnet newsletters that some research had taken place where scientists had two groups of children - one who were subjected to sweets/chocolate on a regular basis and the other who very rarely had them. The result being that the one's who rarely had them binged on them whenever they were available and the others had a lot more self control. I let my DD have a bit of chocolate every couple of days (perhaps a couple of buttons or a biscuit) and see no problem with that. I wouldn't let her have chewy sweets or lollipops but have no problem with sprinkles etc. I don't want food to become an issue for her as much as it is for me. Although I really think you should speak to your nursery as that is completely innapropriate for them to give your child something you have specifically said no to - I had an issue with the playgroup when they gave her lollipops as I know she has a tendency to run around with food in her mouth and also they rot teeth!. This has now been dealt with and they do not offer Lollipops anymore.

[MummyJules]

Talking from experience - I started stealing and bingeing on sweets from the local shop when I was five because my mother neglected me in all sorts of way but was particuarly strict with sweets/chocolate or anything that could be seen as a treat. I am now quite overweight and still have what people class as an eating disorder.

I am sure that I read in one of the earlier Mumsnet newsletters that some research had taken place where scientists had two groups of children - one who were subjected to sweets/chocolate on a regular basis and the other who very rarely had them. The result being that the one's who rarely had them binged on them whenever they were available and the others had a lot more self control. I let my DD have a bit of chocolate every couple of days (perhaps a couple of buttons or a biscuit) and see no problem with that. I wouldn't let her have chewy sweets or lollipops but have no problem with sprinkles etc. I don't want food to become an issue for her as much as it is for me. Although I really think you should speak to your nursery as that is completely innapropriate for them to give your child something you have specifically said no to - I had an issue with the playgroup when they gave her lollipops as I know she has a tendency to run around with food in her mouth.

[hymenlover]

and i agree with the others who have said that banning all these things may make her far more likely to rebel and go mad with them once she has more freedom.

[Twiglett]

of course its hard

its hard because you want to protect her and deep down you believe all these things are evil

you need to find a way to re-educate yourself about food so that you can pass on healthy choices (everything in moderation) to your child

did you read the guardian article on sweets the other week?? it was quite endearing

[hymenlover]

diane, you say you don't want to feed her rubbish and that youa re scared she will be fat/spotty/teeth will rot...
But I do think you are being a bit too strict.

Sugar isn't rubbish... we all need it in small amounts!
And I think this is the key...moderation!

I think you would do better to teach her the importance of dental hygiene, eating sensibly etc etc rather than just putting a blanket ban on al foods you consider "bad"
(have to say i am with you on aspartame and artificial colours etc though)

[dianewalker]

Thanks everyone. I guess deep down I know I know that I'm going to have to change. It's just a little hard.

[KBear]

My kids are almost 4 and 6.5. I let them have sweets and cakes but tell them they aren't really healthy so they can't have loads. I tell them what is healthy and what makes them grow big and strong and they can have as much healthy food as they want.

They are learning that eating up a healthy dinner and having a small treat after is a natural way to have everything they want as well as everything they need. If that makes sense .

They don't like Haribo type sweets anyway as luck would have it and prefer a chunk of chocolate.