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Feminism: chat

AIBU for not understanding the whole manosphere hatred and blame of women?

53 replies

circewoof · 21/07/2022 15:55

Recently I've been drawen into looking at and listening to some manosphere / MRA stuff online and I'm honestly baffled by it.

Much of it seems fulled by men who feel rejected by women or who had bitter divorces. They make a lot of the fact that only men can be drafted in the US, that more men commit suicide than women, that boys are failing educationally none of which is women's fault. They then complain about divorce laws and child custody. I persoanlly do not support the draft, I do think that services for mental health and to tackle male suicide should be improved / better funded and that boys failure in education should be investigated and methods found to help boys thrive in school. However I don't think women are responsible for mens suicides, mental health issues or life failures.

I don't have much experience of divorce in my circles are only one uncle of mine got divorced after his kids were adults so I can't say as much to that but the manosphere would have you believe that women marry a "beta male" for financial support while potentially raising another "alpha males" child. Then at some point (because she never really loved you) she will divorce you. They actually had a podcast with a male psychologist, sympathetic to the red pill ideology talking to Rollo Tomasi (one of their Guru's) about divorce and hypergamy and that psychologist who sees couples as a therapist said that he never sees that dynamic and that usually when women initiate divorce its long term issues such as substance abuse, cheating, abusive behaviour etc ongoing for many years without any serious attempt to get help or recover on the part of the man. In the case he used to illustrate that the woman only divorced her husband after he was sexually inappropriate to their teenage daughter while drunk. However in the comments the men who listened to this were saying that the man only became an alcoholic because his wife drove him to it, and that her divorcing him was still her being "hypergamous" because as an alcoholic / molestor he was no longer his best self, she felt she could do better and wanted to trade up. They ignore the fact that often after a marriage and divorce of that nature woman never want to remarry or even have another live in relationship, many prefer boyfriend they see a few times a week or even to remain single.

It feels like anything a woman does in their eyes will be twisted to fit one of their theories and used as proof of how terrible women are. They seem to hate women so much and yet are obsessed with women. They hate us, don't see us as fully human or capable of love or reason but they want us as sexual objects and (unpaid) domestic servents. Now women get to a point where we can say no, I'd rather be alone than with an abusive asshole who hates me and uses me they have a total meltdown, the world is going to end, civiallisation will collapse all because nobody will touch their weenie.

I actually read a comment on a youtube video that for a man the experience of unrequited love or desire is worse than the experience of rape for a woman! Its like for them a woman rejecting them is literal violence towards them.

The things they complain about like male suicide / educational failure / lack of father figures / the draft, none of that is womens fault but they paint it like feminisim is a zero sum game and therefore women have to get back into their box as subservient wives and mothers and give up frivolous ideas like education and careers or staying single. Its all so transparent but they like to claim they are so rational and logical and that only men like them can save the world but what are they actually doing, nothing is stopping any of them from going out into the world and doing amazing things except that they are spending all this energy on hating women.

They accuse women of solipsism when they try to argue against their theories but fail to see that their ideologies are a perfect example of a solipsistic argument. They conflate anecdotal with empirical evidence, continually misure and misrepresent statistics and other studies, rely on discredited science and otherwise lack awareness of anything outside the narrow confines of their hateful ideology.

I just don't get it?

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PeekAtYou · 21/07/2022 16:00

It's easier to blame other people than take responsibility for your own behaviour. Normally people outgrow this in adolescence but if you're self centred and believe that your needs are the only ones that matter then it's easier to blame the wife than consider what personal responsibility you have to make things happen.

My son went through a period of watching this crap but he's inherently a good lad who observed his female friends and saw that they were not at all how these men perceived them.

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circewoof · 21/07/2022 16:23

@PeekAtYou I'm glad your son got over that stuff. I wonder if many of the men who subscribe to this stuff don't have many "real life" women to compare the cartoons the manosphere draws of then to the reality? I think there is a degree of wilful blindness to it all, I imagine for them it feels good to engage in that sort if stuff in the moment no matter how damaging it is for them long term.

It really is quite a feat of mental contortion they perform to absolve themselves of all responsibility while ensuring it is all womens fault at all times.

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Soubriquet · 21/07/2022 16:24

Honestly, it does no good spiralling into that rabbit hole

They will use any excuse possible to blame anyone else but them selves.

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circewoof · 21/07/2022 16:32

@Soubriquet I know, I see that now its one big circle jerk for men angry that women are at liberty to refuse them, how dare they! I'd completely understand a group that was based around mens issues like suicide or educational issues but when you actually read what they say, all that stuff is just a smoke screen for their hatred of women. None of these men are out actually doing anything to help men, the only solution they see is to revert to a time when women were not emancipated.

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cawfeee · 21/07/2022 16:46

They don't have the sense to look at themselves. Often when a relationship fails for a women, they'll reflect on what went wrong, if it's particularly bad they might get counselling, women seem geared towards self development.
Those men are not and won't take accountability for their choices and behaviour. Instead they find a little echo chamber that enables their self pity. I think some of those men on those kind of forums probably truly awful human beings, but I do think a lot of them are quite lost and confused, which is quite sad really.

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HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 21/07/2022 16:49

There are lots of petty, embittered, envious people in the world and they can be dangerous enough, but when they get together to egg each other on - like MRAs, or racist groups, or other extremists- they’re combustible.

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circewoof · 21/07/2022 16:56

@cawfeee I agree with you and its what I see happening around me but these men in the manosphere will literally argue the the opposite. They say women only leave when they are trading up to a new man. That women cannot love and are purely opportunistic when it comes to relationships while as men they are able to love deeply and struggle to move on when a relationship ends.

This just doesn't add up for me, I've know so many women who when their relationship breaks up they are uspset to hear that their ex is on the dating apps almost immediately after the split while they often need to take months or even years out to recover and rebuild from the fallout.

They really focus on the fact that women are more likely to initiate divorce as proof of how callous we are but then ignore studies showing men are much more likely to leave their sick wife than the other way about. They accuse us of seeking only utility in men but are blind to evidence that for many men a woman is a utility for sex and domestic labour and that is she isn't "working" anymore due to illness then he should be at liberty to move on.

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circewoof · 21/07/2022 16:58

@HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd I agree it reminds me of when I read about gang stalking, and how the rise of the internet allowed people with paranoid delusions to get together and let their delusions and paranoia all feed into one and another making it seem ever more real and threatening.

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Fairislefandango · 21/07/2022 16:59

They just hate that women get to choose who to have sex with, don't they? What pathetic, inadequate misogynists they are. It's no wonder nobody wants them.

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MoltenLasagne · 21/07/2022 17:01

They're radicalised OP. There's no point trying to rationalise what they're saying - it's irrational to the core.

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circewoof · 21/07/2022 17:19

@Fairislefandango I do think that they are largely a self selecting group of men who always had terrible attitudes and behaviours towards women and have been rightly weeded out as duds and rejected by women. Its just such a strange combination of hatred, obsession, dehumanisation and frustrated desire and desperation. These men are literally furious that women are free to reject them and can't see that its their terrible attitudes that are at fault not women.

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circewoof · 21/07/2022 17:24

@MoltenLasagne Yeah I guess so, it worries me because this stuff just popped up on my youtube feed randomly and that makes me worried that the algorithm is pushing this crap to everyone. I know the manosphere guys will say this post is proof women are mad men have this red pill knowledge and are turning their back on women but I couldn't give a crap if a guy or even a mutlitude of guys decide to stay celibate and not get married etc, thats up to them but I do care that they lie, and stir up irrational hatred of women to the point that men actually go on killing sprees after reading this crap.

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Fairislefandango · 21/07/2022 17:32

These men are literally furious that women are free to reject them and can't see that its their terrible attitudes that are at fault not women.

But it's not even just the ones with their extreme incel attitudes, is it? How many women have experienced 'How dare you not be interested in me?!' attitudes from fairly normal-seeming men when they reject their advances, even politely? They can't all be red-pillers. A lot of men fundamentally don't seem to accept that women have every right to reject any man, for whatever reason or no reason, even the 'nice guys'. And yet I doubt it occurs to them that they should have no choice when it comes to choosing women.

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circewoof · 21/07/2022 17:45

Fairislefandango · 21/07/2022 17:32

These men are literally furious that women are free to reject them and can't see that its their terrible attitudes that are at fault not women.

But it's not even just the ones with their extreme incel attitudes, is it? How many women have experienced 'How dare you not be interested in me?!' attitudes from fairly normal-seeming men when they reject their advances, even politely? They can't all be red-pillers. A lot of men fundamentally don't seem to accept that women have every right to reject any man, for whatever reason or no reason, even the 'nice guys'. And yet I doubt it occurs to them that they should have no choice when it comes to choosing women.

Yes I think thats my point that these men are self selecting, and that these attitudes were always present in some form and are only hyped up by red pill ideology. I've been subject to horrible treatment and verbal abuse for rejecting men sexually. An ex-boyfriend shouted at me in a waterstones and called me a bitch when I wouldn't take his number and told him I didn't want to hang out with him. Another man I worked with who I rejected generally bullied me and tried to humiliate me by pulling my santiary products out of my bag and throwing them about (ruining them in the process) in front of all my colleagues. This was in 2002 so well before the rise of the red pill. He didn't need an ideology to be an abusive prick.

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CPL593H · 21/07/2022 18:26

There have always been inadequate embittered men who hate women. The difference is that now they can find each other and egg each other on via the Internet. Yes, it's concerning but it does make visible a very longstanding issue.

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Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 21/07/2022 18:59

Its a zero sum game, while these men continue to seek and blame external reasons (women) for their abject failure in life, they will continue to fail.

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Adelishious · 21/07/2022 19:14

It is sad, but unfortunately I see the same behaviour mirrored on feminist forums in that it's focused on how 'bad' men are and associating blame rather than understand that a majority of issues are societal issues that 'people' as a whole need to fix. While I may not agree with their rhetoric, I am able to empathise with their frustrations, as I am with women's but both need to grow up & stop acting like overgrown children to work through the issues in question. Both parties have valid issues, but will remain so until we have some grown up conversations about the solutions

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circewoof · 21/07/2022 19:34

@Adelishious I do get your point, you even see some evidence of this on the relationship board but I don't see endless hours of youtube content encouraging young women to hate all men and dehumanise them the way there is from male red pilled creators.

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TheWeeDonkey · 21/07/2022 19:52

CPL593H · 21/07/2022 18:26

There have always been inadequate embittered men who hate women. The difference is that now they can find each other and egg each other on via the Internet. Yes, it's concerning but it does make visible a very longstanding issue.

This, also the radicalisation is a serious problem too.

I think that feminism has enabled women to grow and develop in a way that some men find intimidating, and I think that some men have not had the motivation to develop themselves in the same way so we see a real imbalance and for some men that causes a real sense of resentment which they choose to externalise rather than find ways to improve their situation.

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Adelishious · 21/07/2022 20:46

I think that there's a side of feminism that has helped women grow over the years but I honestly feel that has almost been overshadowed more recently with an equally concerning radical element who are stuck on old ideas and are closed off to any progressive debate or discussion. I think leading figures such as Jordan Peterson have helped both sides see some light and the videos I've watched have helped put many of my concerns into vocabulary and I don't think there'll be many on here who havnt seen the Cathy Newman video where he dismantles her calmly and respectfully over issues such as the pay gap and manages to help feminists understand issues they were stuck on while also showing the red pill type that hatred isn't how to go about things. There's others too but I think he's rattled the most cages and for good reason.

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circewoof · 21/07/2022 22:14

@Adelishious "leading figures such as Jordan Peterson"

Give me a break, I have seen the interview with Jordan Peterson and Cathy Newman and he's anything but respectful. He like many of his ilk willfully misunderstand concepts like the pay gap to fit his own adgenda. He perhaps has some decent self help tips for directionless young men where their own fathers have failed them but he's no great intellect lighting the way. Jordan Peterson is also a deeply unstable man with a history of substance abuse.

However there is not conflict between womens rights and mens success, men are failing due to their own failures, why don't more men become teachers, why don't more men volunteer to support other men mentally and emotionally, why don't more fathers step up and be the role model their sons need? Why do they spend time bitching about women and yearning for the good old days of female subservience instead of getting off their backsides and doing something productive?

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LaughingPriest · 21/07/2022 23:11

If you haven't read Laura Bates - Men Who Hate Women - I'd totally recommend it to tease out all these ideologies and how totally contradictory they are (which you have rightly picked up on).

There are 'worthwhile' men's movements that actually want to tackle the issues affecting men. But the shitty ones have co-opted them and turned them into anti-women ideologies. And they are growing and seeping into mainstream culture.

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LaughingPriest · 21/07/2022 23:14

More info about the book (I read it a while ago after reading this article)

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/aug/27/laura-bates-on-the-men-who-hate-women-idolise-murderers

Bates had been going to classrooms around the country roughly twice a week, to initiate discussions about feminism, encountering support and resistance alike, “almost always able to have a really great conversation and feel like we’d moved forwards”. Then “something changed,” she says. “I started hearing boys at school who already felt that they’d been poisoned against the idea of even having a conversation about feminism. And they were coming out with some quite extreme things: feminism is a cancer, all women lie about rape, white men are the real victims of society … But the moment it really clicked for me was when they started repeating, at schools from rural Scotland to inner-city London, the same wrong statistics. That’s when I clocked what was going on.”

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Adelishious · 22/07/2022 00:50

@circewoof
No ones as surprised as myself but DD is absolutely fascinated by him and has listened to likely hundreds of hours of him speaking and at 15 it's probably the fastest I've seen her mature ever, just in her general views and the responsibility she takes. My two boys havnt shown half as much interest.

I don't think you watched the same interview as you'd be pushed to find any disrespect at all and non of what was said was to fit an agenda, that was obvious.

I don't feel anyone wants to literally go back and have women be subservient. You don't seem to be seeing past that and how these issues have become problems to solve together, not hitching about who's right and wrong. Ideally we would see men and women striving to make their relationships work, so we can reduce single parenthood, by putting in the sacrifices that are required for marriages to last and relationships to succeed. Men & women are at fault and until we both accept that it'll just get worse.

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EmmaH2022 · 22/07/2022 01:09

Ade "I don't feel anyone wants to literally go back and have women be subservient."

I think the incels want that. Probably quite a few men who aren't incels want that.

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