how to find a way out of depression without AD as DH would rather file for divorce than have me on medication.need help!

[Luise85]

i just can't take it anymore, so much negative has been ruling my life last year that I don't feel like myself anymore. Spent this whole morning just crying and could not stop.
We have depts, money is extremely tight as I am mostly the only one with a steady income.we could not afford renting a flat anymore, living under awful conditions with inlaws since half a year.DS is.14 months, I look after him during the day but work at night. I am starting to miss shifts now as I am too tired, which all makes it worse but I find it so hard to exist with such little rest. DH works freelance in the financial field and is gone during the day trying to find business which is a struggle too. He is very caring but tired of me and off building me up constantly. He thinks I don't need medication but work on myself.
Are there any organistions that offer free counselling?

[Sparrow74]

Don't worry about making a scene at the GPs - I've done that a couple of times, and yes, it's embarrassing, but it's only a reflection of how bad things have been.

Please go back as soon as possible - and your DP really shouldn't impact on you and your doctor's decision to take medication. His past experience with depression may be completely different to yours. It might make all the difference for you. But it does sound like you need more help - I really feel for you.

[cestlavielife]

you are an adult and your H is not your father. only you adn your GP can decide what is right for you.

for me it was the other way - i was desperate for my thenP to take something and he refused - either way i had no say - it was down to him to decide to take or not take medication.

tell your GP what your H is saying.

[AnAuntieNotAMum]

How much sleep are you getting? Don't underestimate how badly exhaustion can affect you. The symptoms mimic depression in pretty much every way. Also, if you're working nights your sleep hormone melatonin and other related hormones that affect mood are probably getting messed up too.

There are quite a lot of places that offer low cost/no cost counselling, it really varies around the country.

Or, if you want to offload, you can call Samaritans, you don't have to be suicidal - or you can email them too.

Many GPs can get you access to mental health workers who are not counsellors or therapists who would work with you with some self-help CBT methods and also give you information about how sleep and nutrition affect mental health.

[lucyellensmumagain]

Please don't be too embarrased to go to the doctors, ive done hysterical too but they have seen it loads of times before.

Sometimes life can be too much and we need something to bring us back on top.

Thing is, im all a bit about life coaching - yes, sometimes a positive attitude can help, but sometimes its physical, it might not be physical at the route of it, but there is only so much stress our bodies can physically take and we become deplete of "happy hormones". We often need to take medical steps to putting that back on balance - the medication that is on offer now is not like it was in the 70/80 they don't zombify you and change your personality - they just take the edge off the anxiety - they don't work by giving you "happy chemicals" they work by helping you to utilise your own, almost natural!! Almost! Do be aware that whilst st johns wort is very effective, it can NOT be taken with the sort of ADs that im talking about here and there needs to be a gap of at least two weeks between the two.

I do understand about the business, you are not alone - my DP and I have been through exactly the same thing. Wasnt really an option for him to get a job really and we are now (please god) starting to get back on track. It nearly broke us though and i have to say, with hindsight, it wasn't worth it.

Sometimes it can be pride with this sort of thing - ok so he needs to keep plugging away, but thats probably COSTING money rather than brining any in. Its almost a shame that you have ended up at hte inlaws because that is fascilitating the route he is taking. If i were you, i would set a date, and say that if there is no headway with the business then thats it - either he gets a full time job, or you do, but not at night, its no good. We did this, we said, right if its not working by september (last year) then its time to say enoughs enough - It motivated DP and apart from some hiccups that were out of our control the business is doing well. When we clear our debts we will then be able to relax and build it up into something that hopefully will make me think it was all worth it - but tbh i dont think anything will, not really, ive lost years to depression and i know that was at the route of it.

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[expatinscotland]

It's not complicated: his wife is ill and exhausted and he's living with his family at his parents.

He needs to buck up and put aside his work aspirations for now to bring some steady money in so you don't have to do everything.

It's not humanly possible for a person to work night shifts and then look after a toddler all day.

You can't 'catch up' on sleep.

And what worked for him may not work for you, especially as his therapy cost money and now you don't have it.

If he wants you to 'work on yourself' then he needs to make that possible by getting a steady JOB.

YOU go back to your doctor and talk over your health.

Some diabetics take oral insulin, others have to inject, still others control things with diet and exercise (this approach doesn't work for all).

Similarly, as with the illness of depression, different approaches work for different people.

[SkipToMyLou]

I have to admit, DH was wary of me going on ADs. Having a nervous breakdown himself and also having to rely on them have greatly increased his understanding and sympathy levels! I do wonder if it's a man thing (sorry!), you know struggling through manfully on your own without meds. If so he needs to wake up and realise that his approach is fine - for him.

[wukter]

or earning some cash. And he definitely needs to be more supportive.

[StayingDavidTennantsGirl]

Your dh needs to realise that everyone is different, and what worked for him might not work for you.

I have to say that I still cannot understand why he is so opposed to you taking antidepressants - why on earth is that a divorcing issue?

[wukter]

Well, I'm glad he worked out his depression problems. Now it's your turn and you will choose the approach that works for you. Do go back to the GP - if I was you I would play up the incident yesterday as "evidence" of how bad you feel, it might get you seen ASAP.

Could your DP get a few weekend shifts as barman or whatever? It would get money coming in while leaving the days free to work on his business, if that's what's neccessary and you are honestly happy with this waiting. He does need to contribute a bit more in the here-and-now whether that's by ennabling you to rest a bit more, earning some cash.

[twolittlemonkeys]

Firstly it's really not up to your DH and I'm appalled at him being so unsupportive. He needs to step up and get more work not expect you to work harder and look after children when you are so down. I'd go to your GP - I was offered free counselling for my PND. Also HomeStart may be able to help you with a volunteer to come round for 3 hours once a week (you could probably catch up on sleep during this time) I second the idea about speaking to your local housing department.

In addition, simple things like going for walks in the fresh air (yes I know it's the last thing you feel like doing, it was in my case) and making sure you drink lots of water can help

A friend of mine had severe PND and got out of it without ADs and she swears by making certain dietary changes probably along these lines
www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/how-to-beat-depression-with-the-right- diet-1817675.html

I really sympathise - I suffered with depression after DS2 was born and it was horrible, even with a very supportive husband. Hope you manage to get the help you need.

[Luise85]

Thank you for all your replies, I will go into detail a bit more so you can understand where dh is coming from. He once had a very tough time with depression and suicidal feelings a couple of years back (before we met) but he did some therapy (life training I think it was called) which helped him a lot. As for the work situation it's complicated. He needs to invest the time in order to progress and it seems just a matter of time when things will be alright again, but the waiting is awful! On the weekends he looks after ds for me to get sleep, as I can choose to put my shifts on the weekends sometimes. Help for childcare is unfortunately not possible as my family is abroad, his parents too old and to pay extra not an option.
I was due to see my GP yesterday, which ended in disaster, I was fifteen minutes late and couldn't call them on the way to inform them which resulted in them not allowing me to be seen. I was hysterical and embarrassing, not keen on going back too soon! We have an hour to travel to the practice as it's near our old flat for some reasons we had to keep the adress for now. Will make an appointment soon though.

Thank you for your replies, it's good to get some feedback!

[cyteen]

I really think the issues need sorting out here.

Money: as others have said, speak to one of the free debt advice services (Citizens Advice Bureau, National Debtline, CCCS) about managing your debts. Taking control of your finances is scary but empowering.

Health: go to your GP, have an honest chat with him/her about how you're feeling and what kind of help is available. They are your first port of call regarding treatment options, not your husband.

Housing: speak to your local council's housing department as a starting point.

Without knowing you, I don't feel able to advise about the family relationships etc. but I really hope you can find the strength and time to start making small positive steps in the right direction You don't have to do everything at once, just take one thing at a time, one small piece at a time. And your husband needs to help you, absolutely.

[madmouse]

He's NOT caring - he's abusive.

And before anyone including you can actually tell whether you are depressed or not you need a few straight nights sleep! Let him get a job, any job. No one is too good for the factory or warehouse. Or at least take the children off your hands for long enough to let you sleep. Is he dreaming about the day when his business will be huge and he will be very successful. And expecting your support in that? Or am I reading things between the lines that are not there?

You are looking at things through his eyes and it is not good for you. Try to go and see your doctor as a starting point.

[peacocks]

oh yes and its not up to your husband

sorry am a bit alternative and always like the non-drug route but it's really nothing to do with him

[peacocks]

God try Vitamin B6, it's the happy vitamin, works bloody wonders.

[StayingDavidTennantsGirl]

Your dh needs to have a chat with mine. I have suffered depression for most of our marriage, and he has done his best to support me for all of this time. Even though I am at home all day, and the children (teenagers) are at school, I often find myself too depressed/tired to do stuff round the house, so he will come home from work and cook the dinner, or do the ironing.

He doesn't do this uncomplainingly, and it has caused tension over the years, but I can't blame him for this, as it cannot be easy to live with me and my problems.

Please, please please go to your GP and ask for some help. They may be able to refer you to a community psychiatric nurse or for counselling. And if you need antidepressants, then it is NOT up to your husband whether you take them or not, and threatening to divorce you if you do take them beggars belief. Tell him from me that he should be ashamed of himself.

[wukter]

You sound exhausted and that makes everything worse. You work at night, mind LO during the day and if you are not in your own home you can't fully relax, even if your inlaws are the best in the world.
You need time to yourself during the day, for sleeping, or sitting in your room on your own with a book or laptop, or for a bit of exercise.
Does your DH need to be out all day, everyday?
Could your inlaws look after DC?

Also you do need to see a GP, and go with whatever they advise. Don't take any notice of your OH, simply shrug and say you are going to follow your doctors advice and review the situation in a few months.

If he had a medical degree then a) you could follow his advice and b) you'd have no money worries!

[lucyellensmumagain]

Oh dear, you sound exhausted you really do. I can totally sympathise with you - I know how damaging debts can be, its just horrible.

It really isn't your husbands decision as to whether you have medication or not. FFS - like others have said, he needs to get a JOB instead of fannying about with freelance stuff that isn't working - what exactly is it that he DOES all day now??

You are pretty much supporting everything, if you crack up,and if you carry on like this, you will - then he will have to pull his finger out of his arse.

Are you in the UK? Can you not qualify for social housing?

As expat has said, if you had diabetes he wouldnt even suggest you dont take it.

I can understand he is scared, but its not like it used to be - you don't become a zombie on medication, you just become more able to cope. I have been on citalopram for nearly three years now, they really helped me and saved our relationship, now im coming off them and my DP is lol, he likes the nice calm me!! But seriously though - my DP was quite anti medication because he didnt understand it, but he recognised that it was my decision and actually, in the end, it was HIM who marched me down to the doctors and said that i needed them as i was wary too but i just completely broke down one day.

They wont make your problems go away but they do make you more able to cope.

With regards to the debt, are you getting anywhere with sorting it out?

Please do phone the national debt line, or consumer credit counsel - they are fantastic, and will arm you with lots of information regarding your rights, getting interest frozen on loans etc. We had, and still have, so many scary horrilb debts but talking to the debt line meant that i no longer felt out of control and that we were working towards a solution. It is so very hard and so very draining i know.

Is your DH usually so controlling?

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

Maybe YOU should be the one filing for divorce. FFS. In sickness and in health..

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

Your H is not a doctor and can't possibly know if you are depressed and need ads. Would he deny you medication if you had a headache, cancer or any other illness? You need to go back to the doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling and get some support and help. You also need to tell your h he is being an arse.

[nickytwotimes]

And yes, you must see your GP.

ANd your oh must pull his weight.

[Hassled]

Unless your DH is a medical professional, then ignore him and let a medical professional decide what the best treatment for you is. It's like taking advice from a gardener about your tax return. It's bollocks.

See your GP pronto. If she/he thinks you needs AD then accept their judgement. And I hope you feel brighter soon.

[nickytwotimes]

I am at your dh having the choice of your taking meds or not.

Meds can be a big help alongside sorting the anxiety/depression/problems. They help you get to a place where you can get to grips with things slowly.

You sound utterly exhausted. You cannot work at night and care for a baby all day every day. This would contribute greatly to anyone feeling depressed.

Can you get some help with childcare in the daytime so you can rest?