Intrusive thoughts about baby ruining my life

[ocdmum24]

I may regret posting this but I’m at my wit’s end and could really do with some support.

When I was in month 6/7 of my pregnancy, I started being bombarded by intrusive thoughts that there was something/someone “bad” in my baby. The thoughts plagued me day and night and stopped me from sleeping. I stopped being able to function at work due to the sleep deprivation and, as time went on, and I can only attribute this to the severe lack of sleep, I started finding myself questioning reality and whether these insane thoughts could
really be true. While I thought for a while that I’d experienced psychosis, I’m told I just have severe OCD.

My baby was born 11 weeks ago and to say this has had a devastating impact on our time together so far would be an understatement. I feel anxious a lot of the time when I’m with my son and did not feel connected or “in love” with him when he was born. In fact I was hugely anxious to even be in the same
room with him. I struggle with this every day and feel like the worst mum on the planet, with this terrible secret. I haven’t slept anything approaching a good night’s sleep in months due to the stress.

I’m not sure what I’m hoping for here but maybe someone somewhere out there has experienced something remotely similar and has some advice. I’m on medication and have had some therapy but it wasn’t helpful as my symptoms were so severe. I think about this all day every day and am scared I’ll never get better and that suicide is the only way out.

Bumping up for you OP. It sounds like perinatal depression and PND.

Sending love to you, you are NOT a bad mum, your hormones are making you feel this way and you need the right help 💐

Hey, so my daughter has had severe OCD and at times it has absolutely looked like psychosis too.

Hers is caused by an autoimmune disorder and is linked to inflammation. I'm just saying this because quite often there's a physical element to this.

Which meds are you on? Quite often need to trial different meds and doses.

Therapy absolutely no use here and I think it's fairly common that it can't always help.

She is so much better after treatment and the OCD is so much less severe than it used to be. So it can get better.

Darling, what you are experiencing is not your fault, you’re not a bad person and there is support in reach. Please reach out to your health visitor as a first step, I had suspected PND and perinatal depression and the support I received was life-saving. But if you believe this is very urgent, please get in touch with the crisis team or Single Point of Access for an urgent referral.

Love grows, OP, sometimes it’s not this instant, overwhelming, all-consuming love we’d imagine we would feel. And sometimes, actually, we need to first direct that love and compassion towards ourselves so we can begin to heal.

I wish I could offer more, this is very familiar for me and I wanted to let you know, you are not alone. There are many of us. Your life is precious, even though you may not see this now, give yourself the chance you deserve.

Sending mountains of love your way. Stay safe, please xx

I’m on Escitalopram 20mg but honestly haven’t found it that helpful - although it kept me sane for 13 years before I came off to get pregnant!

The whole thing has sent me a bit mad. When my baby was born, I had this overwhelming conviction that I wasn’t his mother. And it felt completely weird to me to be bringing him home after the horrific thoughts I’d been having - like I say, I lost touch with reality a bit and the idea of him being a part of my family, my child no less, felt alien to me.

now I’m living this misery whereby it feels like everyone else in my life can get joy from being with him except me, because lm anxious and feel so guilty and sad. I want to bond with him more than anything and just be a normal mum! I went through IVF to get here

Oh darling i’m so sorry to read this. I too had an IVF baby, worries and intrusive thoughts that she wasn’t mine, had a really difficult postnatal period where I didn’t love her, but was plagued by worries that something dreadful would happen to her.

I spoke with my Health Visitor and she got me support from the perinatal mental health team. It was life transforming. It turned out I had PTSD and postnatal anxiety. Talking to the psychologist, so much of the long-term trauma that you hold after fertility challenges can have an impact on both your body and your mind in the long-term. My baby is 15 months old now and I’m an entirely different place due to the therapy they offered. Please seek help.

You are not a bad Mum but I do think you need some extra help.

My little boy is 8 months now and our fertility journey was stressful. We had multiple miscarriages so I never connected with my baby during the pregnancy in order to protect myself. I remember when they passed him to my chest after the c section and I felt numb. I didn’t get the rush of love everyone tells you about and felt uncomfortable holding him. I think back to the early days when I’d sit and cry feeling no connection with him at all. My DH started to notice and I was terrified to admit how I was feeling. Luckily my DH was very supportive and so was my Mum. It took a while to get the bond but it did come eventually. I think when he started smiling at me.

Remember sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Is your HV on the scene? Or any mental health support? Do you have a partner, or anybody you would be able to open up to?

OP, are you under a psychiatrist? If you're under a GP, they won't be fully equipped to deal with the range of meds that can help for this.

My daughter was convinced I wasn't her mum, at one time. So it does sound like OCD.

Oh and just to say that sleep deprivation could be behind so much of this. It's astonishing how that messes with your mind. Have they given you anything to help with sleep?

Oh gosh I'm sorry OP, I don't have the more complex medical issues like OCD and PTSD that could be the cause but I do remember intrusive thoughts. So many intrusive thoughts about just throwing tiny newborn baby over balcony, out of window, down on hard floor... why is pregnancy / motherhood so mad! (I didn't btw, and wouldn't, throw baby)

Hi, thanks so much for the supportive comments - some of them brought tears to my eyes.

I’ve been lobbying for support since this started months ago. I ditched my therapist when my LO arrived as I hadn’t made progress and had actually deteriorated - but I’m now on my own, waiting for specialist treatment for perinatal OCD on the NHS which won’t start for another 6/7 weeks and for help from a parent/infant bonding team. @Boymumma23 My partner and parents know the situation but they can’t understand why I can’t just move on. My partner is on cloud nine about the arrival of our first child and it’s agony to me as I can so rarely share in the joy.

@lizkt yes under the local perinatal mental health team but she’s been pretty useless. I was offered an anti-psychotic but am loathe to take it as I have a newborn to look after. Also, I feel like a drug isn’t going to take away what happened to me and caused the arrival of my baby to be a massive trauma. That’s interesting about your daughter, thank you for sharing - my thoughts have also centred on other family members :( I was on promezathine and was also given a sleeping tablet to help with sleep - but the side effects are horrible and even taking them, I rarely stay asleep for long. Plus in need to be alert to care for my son when he awakens. It’s like my body had forgotten how to sleep and my mind has lost the ability to focus on anything else.

I just wish I knew if there was something I could do to end all this. Because of the sleep, I have stopped doing so many of the things I used to do as I’m constantly shattered. And because of the anxiety, I find it so hard and usually pretty miserable to watch tv, read books etc (everything is a trigger or a reminder of how sad and different my experience has been :().

@ocdmum24 I can relate to your post so much. Although I have three much wanted kids 13,9 and 3... I was fine after the birth and beyond but for the past 6 weeks I've been having intrusive thoughts that I regret being a Mum, and I hate my life and questioning my love for my children. I try to rationalise the thoughts and tell myself I know there not true but they feel so real in my head. I've always loved being a mum. I just feel anxious being with my kids and keep trying to find that "loving" feeling but I just feel panic or sadness. I don't like being away from them in case I lose my bond even more. I feel like I need to think about them all her time. It's so hard to explain to people. And I agree about being triggered by everything, seeing other mums being normal with their kids in the street or on telly. You're not alone and I'm sure we can both overcome this I felt relieved to see your post and see someone else having a similar experience. I have panicked that I'm going crazy but I think it must be some sort of OCD. Thinking of you x

Hello all, I’ve got a really difficult decision to make. I reached the point of despair with having to wait so long for treatment and I enquired about the possibility of going into a mother and baby unit, in the hopes that I could go for a couple of weeks and get some intensive therapy to help me move out of this hell. They’ve found a place for me and I need to let them know whether I’ll take it but I’m really not sure. I’m told I’ll only get to see a psychologist once a week if I go and that while they offer bonding support, I’m imagining this to mostly consist of things like baby massage etc which aren’t really going to cut it here. Does anyone who’s been in an MBU have a sense of whether this could be a good place for me, given my difficulties, or am I better off staying out in the community?

I would definitely go. My DC has intrusive thoughts from OCD too. It’s well managed now but I remember how miserable and tortured she was, thinking that the intrusive thoughts were real. I had to convince her that no one thought her intrusive thoughts were her and that we all understood she had a mental illness.
Once she got professional help and started medication things began to turn around. It would have been way harder if she had had a baby and I think a mother baby unit is ideal.

I would go OP, they will be used to OCD & how it’s managed in the perinatal period. They are all specialist staff & will be able to titrate your medication & support you round the clock. If you wake at 2 in the morning a nurse will be there to talk to. This is the road to you getting better, take it. I wish you well ❤️

I was sent to the Bethlem MBU when pregnant and had my baby while there.

I have heard less positive stories about other mum and baby units but I honestly have immense gratitude for my stay there

The psychologist sessions and baby psychologist sessions were SO helpful and helped me forgive myself tbh for some of the thoughts I was experiencing which helped me begin to bond, when I could release some of my guilt for not being on cloud nine about becoming a mum after years of heartbreaking infertility

Being able to do baby groups with other mums who were unwell was really helpful, I didn't feel such a freak

There was a nursery and trained nursery nurses, MH nurses, and even though it was a psych ward for very unwell mothers, and felt scary at first, it was also kept very safe and calm mostly. It was incredibly different to stays in other psych wards over my life

The focus was on resting for the first few days, and then working towards things eg my baby slept in the nursery for a few days (but I was never stopped from going to them, just supervised) after a few days I had essentially taken back most of my baby's care but was still very supervised so I felt safe. I knew I was very unwell and it was terrifying to me to be alone with my baby. I was convinced that I would be one of those mums who lost the battle and terrified for my baby, I had been begging to have them taken away from me so I couldn't harm them (I didn't want to, I was just convinced that I was going to)

I stayed for 3 months in the end, weekly ward rounds where my husband and I were included in decisions made over medication, therapy etc and nursery nurses were in to give feedback on how my baby was doing too

I left feeling like we had a bond and I was at peace with being a mum and loved my baby and actually could do it

I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for that admission

Said baby is 12 now

They're happy, healthy and it's a distant but not actually traumatic or sad memory- just immense gratitude

I have OCD. I had Puerperal psychosis. It took years of therapy to move entirely past that time and I haven't had any more babies since, a choice many women I was there with ended up making though many did choose to extend families too eventually

If it's anywhere like the Bethlem was 12 years ago ... that you've been offered... TAKE IT and grab it fast

Sometimes the NHS isn't great but perinatal MH care is out of this world brilliant imo (once you get a place) the aftercare was beyond awesome too - I had an OT therapist doing 1-1 helping me integrate back into life outside the hospital up to leaving finally

I had a lovely mental health team
I'm sure like me, all will be well in time

Just keep telling yourself this will pass and I will enjoy my baby soon

You need specialist help and maybe tweak to your drugs

Can you join a new mum mental health forum if there isn't one can you start one ?

Oh gosh you poor thing. Sounds exactly like OCD to me. Don't panic, it WILL improve I promise. I've been through it twice, really terrifying horrifying thoughts after both babies were born.
Speak to the perinatal team and get under the care of a psychiatrist. They can help you with medication. For me sertraline works miracles.

Sending you so much love

So sorry just seen your post about the MBU. If you feel that would be helpful to you, then do go and they will really look after you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

@arlequin if you don’t mind me asking what sort of intrusive thoughts did you have? Did the sertraline help stop them? How did you put the thoughts out your mind. I’m riddled with guilt. I’m on day 3 of sertaline and currently can’t see light at the end of the tunnel

Hi @Hje2024 I'm so sorry that you are struggling. My intrusive thoughts were existential thoughts to do with my children. But they just faded away on the sertraline and I'm so so happy now. It was hideous at first though. How are you doing?

@arlequin Im so glad to hear your happy! I’ve been on it a week now and I’m seeing slight improvements. The same thought is still there it’s like I can’t forgive myself for thinking it in the first place so now it won’t go away.

@Hje2024 I'm glad things are starting to improve. Remember that OCD finds the most disgusting, revolting thought possible to taunt you with. It's not you, it's just an appendage. We all have those thoughts occasionally, it's just for those of us with OCD we mistakenly think they have some sort of meaning.

@arlequin OCD really does! It’s horrible 😩 yes and we cling onto them! I’m starting counselling too to help. I just want to get back to enjoying my beautiful baby boy.

@arlequin hello! How are you? I was just wondering how long it took for your thoughts to fade away? Mine have definitely improved but still there most days at some point x