To be totally unimpressed and angry at DH

[Lesausage]

My ds who is 4 hadn't been well today and this evening his eyes started swelling really badly. I suffer horrible panic attacks triggered by anything health accident wise with my dc.

I gave him piriton and called DH (he had gone out to play sport this evening) and after him not answering I left a message asking him to come home and called my mum who came round and calmed me down. Thank fuck my ds is ok, his eyes went down and I relaxed, ds relaxed and my parents went home.

About an hour later DH came home and I was upset and cried explaining what had happened. Turns out that he hadn't even taken his phone, it was on silent in the cupboard and had countless missed calls and messages from me.

DH has said sorry and said its the only time he hasn't taken his phone with him but I'm upset he didn't think, what about if it had been an emergency? What if something horrible happened?

My anxiety is horrible when it comes to the kids for various reasons which are being dealt with but I just feel a bit that DH didnt think and went out without a phone when he knows this.

He said sorry and I've accepted the apology and all is fine but inside I'm angry. AIBU to think he was selfish?

[TheRainInTheWoods]

And I should say that, since my CBT, things are immeasurably better. That's two years of good MH-hooray!

[TheRainInTheWoods]

How are you today OP? How's your DS?

FWIW, I think all the time about the effect my anxiety has on my DC. Both on their emotional development and on the things they might miss out on because I can't handle doing them. And no surprises... it makes the anxiety worse.

I can only do my very, very best to get better. Sometimes it's just not quite enough. I'm lucky to have a DH who's well and some pretty active and involved GPs who can step in.

I think one of my DC is starting to behave the way I did as a child, behaviour that I think was a precursor to my illness. Its a worry but I'm aware of it and I hope to be able to help him get support if necessary. And not to be told to get over it/pull himself together like I was.

[Lesausage]

fifty have you rtft? If so you would see I am under a dr fgs

[fiftyshadesofgrot]

YABVU. Explained by many replies above. You sound very OTT and this must be so very hard for your DH. Please see the Dr about your anxiety issues.

[Corygal]

OP, I can see you're reacting defensively. Sometimes listening to others can help, though.

From your retelling of the event, you're using control of others as a maladaptive coping strategy. You're scared, so you call crisis and ask for help. But you can cope with the situation - indeed you did.

You know it wasn't a crisis, too. You're aware that taking an antihistamine is not a life-changing event.

Some people do this type of thing, trying to cope but inappropriately, when they're ill. I've had anxiety and I probably did myself. Now I think about it, I know I did.

It's an easy trap to fall into. The trouble is that it won't cure you and it risks ruining your relationships. That's why I'm pointing it out - don't let the disorder you have be any bigger than it needs to be.

You can control yourself - I suspect if the crisis was genuine, you would have got DS to A&E by yourself, for instance. Build on that.

Talk to your therapist about sourcing appropriate strategies, such as the backup plan mentioned by virtually every poster, and see if he or she thinks that it is appropriate for this stage in your treatment. Triggers exist for everyone, all the time - but you can beat them. Ghastly cliché and annoying to hear, but you can.

You might also want to seek reassurance with a discussion about minimising the strain on your children. They're bound to be fine, but it will make you feel better and stronger to know that you're not transmitting your problems to them.

I know this may make you angry to read, but I hope you'll have the insight not to rage at what is just a gentle, kindly meant review of the facts. In the same way that I hope you're not still resentful of your husband for not being immediately available for mild hay fever.

[Aermingers]

I also sympathise with the anxiety, but I do think you need some help too.

I'm assuming from the description that it was hay fever. While it's not nice it's not serious and it's something the vast majority of people can deal with in a matter of fact everyday fashion.

In those situations children perhaps need a bit of comfort and reassurance. I think it must be quite frightening for your DS because he probably won't know what's happening and will be taking his cues from you. As you're reacting so badly he must fear that something is really wrong with him. For his sake, I really think you need to get some help, just saying you can never do anything about your triggers is unfair on him. You should be doing your best to minimise or manage them at least.

[YetAnotherHelenMumsnet]

Hi all,
We have moved this thread to Mental Health, as per the request of the OP.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I totally agree with corygirl as well.

Crying on someone because they were not instantly contactable is manipulative and controlling as is making umpteen calls/ text messages that are not responded to, in what is a none emergency situation.

It's certainly not reasonable or kind behaviour.

Understandable given your problems but not acceptable, your DH did nothing wrong he shouldn't have felt the need to pacify you by apologising.

I get that you are engaging with support to address the problem and that is commendable. And I mean this in the kindest way, requiring your DH to be contactable at all times is unrealistic and unlikely to assist you with reducing your difficulties.

You had a back up plan it worked,next time instigate it after one call is missed and one txt message is not responded to. now you know the back up plan works it should be easier to do so. Perhaps you could ask your therapist about having a plan where your DH can intentionally leave his phone elsewhere with your knowledge and see what they both reckon. Anxiety can't be much fun for you but I expect it's not for him either.

[saoirse31]

I agree with poster above re danger of passing on your anxiety to your son ie by hovering over him when he's fine, and crying when explaining to your dh about a fairly minor issue with d's.


I do have lot of sympathy for you but the pressure you're exerting on your husband and probably mother must not be easy to deal with, however involuntary that pressure is.

I hope you can get help you need to get over it as the other issue I'd see is you may completely over react to normal minor children's issues which wouldn't be good for them.

best wishes and really think u should sleep tonight if u can

[RagingJellyBean]

Agree with everyone else.
Your anxiety sounds unbelievably OTT, and exhausting to those around you.
You don't want your kid to grow up being suffocated by it. Get some help!

As for your question, YABU. He forgot his phone, and it was one piriton.

[Klayden]

YABU but I suspect, deep down, that you know this. Look at the positives; something happened that triggered your anxiety and you coped. You managed to seek help for your son and you got through it. Logically, not much DH could have done because you had it in hand. Baby steps, yes? :)

[BlueBananas]

OP I suffer from depression and anxiety and even I can see that you need some serious help
You repeatedly rang your DP and then dragged your Mum to your house because your DS needed a Piriton?!
Your family must be exhausted by you (I totally agree with Corygal) and you are probably passing on your issues to your DS
Seriously it doesn't take 15 years to control this kind of thing, you need professional help - ASAP!

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Anxiety or not, YABVU to be mad at your DH. Sounds like it was an accident.
And you coped. Perhaps that's the silver lining, you couldn't contact DH but you managed to get through it ok.

[Diamond23]

It sounds like a lot of pressure on your DH

[Lesausage]

edit for you x

[editthis]

Nothing much more to add, other than I completely understand how you feel and am somewhat comforted by the knowledge that others feel and react to the same things exactly the way I do. I think I need to get help.

[PenelopePitstops]

I can see both sides here. Crippling anxiety is hard, but you have suffered since 14 and not got it sorted. CBT is what you need, for prolonged treatment.

Your thoughts aren't rational and calling someone whilst you give your child a piriton is also not a 'normal' reaction.

I know these things take time, you have had 15 years.

[Lesausage]

* thank you YOU and RAIN*

[YouTheCat]

Some of you are being really harsh.

OP suffers from anxiety and depression and she's getting treatment but there is no magic wand.

If she had a broken leg would you expect her to get up and run as soon as the cast was off?

These things need time.

[Lesausage]

corygal Im a bit offended by your post, I would never control my family and DH and of course I thanked my mum. I don't know how you came to that conclusion

[Studyingmummy]

How did we all manage in the days before mobiles?? This modern thing where we all have to be contactable 24/7 really bugs me! I'm pretty sure my parents had to deal with emergencies while the other parent was absent! They coped as would you if needed OP! I think YABU, people forget their phone, lose them battery goes flat etc give your DH a break!

[Corygal]

Just because you have anxiety doesn't mean everyone else has to. It's a good thing - indeed, essential for the mental health of your son - that your DH is calmer and more able to cope with everyday things.

Your problem sounds to me more that you are using your diagnosis as a means to control others. Be honest with yourself -are you being manipulative? You won't ever recover when your neuroses are being fed, unfortunate as that is.

Have you thanked your DM for dropping everything to rescue you when DS had to take a Piriton? You should do. It sounds harsh, but you must stay reasonable and polite with others, not use the illness as an excuse to get others jumping for you.

Work on yourself, not controlling others.

[Readingwritingandarithmetic]

What caused your sons swelling eyes? Is this something that has happened before? I think you dealt with it well, medicating and involving your parents for support, your reaction with dh was prob part relief too, all was fine. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[PatriciaHolm]

Please get some sleep. Tomorrow will be even harder if you don't.

Presumably your husband doesn't have the phone on him when he is actually playing sport?

[CheesyDibbles]

Ps, I hope that didn't sound unsympathetic - I fully understand how awful anxiety can be.