is this pnd or just normal ?

[claire7471]

hi,

i'm new here, been reading threads on pnd as getting concerned about feeling very crappy off and on, can't decide if i've got pnd or am just (over)reacting to day to day events.....

on the one hand everything looks perfect. i've got a 5 1/2 month old boy, he's healthy, good natured, smiley, i've got a good bond with him and feel pretty confident i'm doing a good job looking after him. i wanted a child so much and my dreams came true. visitors and family are always saying how relaxed and competent i am, what a happy baby he is. i live with my partner, he's a good dad, i'm going back to work in a month two days a week and we're going to share childcare.not much money consequently but enough, there's so much good in my life and as my partner says 'there's nothing wrong, everythings fine'........ but....

there are times when i feel totally overwhelmed by everything i have to do, small tasks seem to defeat me, i'm constantly enormously irritated by my partner and pick fights that then leave me feeling devastated...just about anything can reduce me to tears, this morning not being able to get the lid off a jamjar, i've got aches and pains in my joints, i feel guilty about not being a good enough mum, being a horrible girlfriend, the house not being clean....i worry about things that might happen to my son when he's older, i worry about what would happen if i die, i've begun to avoid seeing other people just feel really stressed and uncomfortable making small talk, putting up a front, i don't know many people well round here..i'm not looking forward to going back to work at all, i've become preoccupied with the thought that i look really unattractive, to the point where it took me ages to get dressed and take baby for routine gp visit yesterday, getting waves of anger and hopelessness and exhaustion....but then i seem to be able to pull it together again and look back and feel a bit stupid.....i'm still looking after baby ok but it's as if all my energy goes into him and i have no resources left.......after big row and breaking down last night my partner is listening and taking me seriously but i don't know what to do, seem to have lost all sense of perspective, can't tell if what i'm feeling is normal or not....if this rings a bell with anyone please let me know...

[beegee]

Hi Penny (and Claire if still watching this thread)

I'm so glad you went to see the dr's. It is a big step in the right direction.

The ADs may take a while to work. But don't despair - just know that it will get better. The side effects will go. What are you on? I'm taking citalopram (10mgs) so am on very low dose like yourself. I'm definately recovering now and only get a few grey days every few weeks or so now, so I'm nearly back to my old self.

I completely empathise with what you're relating to regarding confidence and socialising..ditto everything you said.

Councilling is great - i understand if you're feeling nervous about this. It really helps if you can see a councillor who understands PND or has had it themselves. I think it's VERY misunderstood and i want you to be in safe hands.

The first thing my councillor said to me was 'I've NEVER known anyone to not recover from PND'. Sometimes you'll feel like 'Is this the new 'real' me now?' Please hang on to the fact that it won't always be like this and you will feel better one day...it might take a while but grab all the support you can.

I'm glad you posted - i have been watching this thread and i will continue to watch it. Don't disappear!

Hugs xx

[bakedpotatooooowoooh]

Pennytiff, you will get there, you're right. Well done on getting the appt. Keep us posted.

Wish Claire would post. I wonder how she is getting on.

[pennytiff]

Thanks Beegee,

I decided to get an emergency appointment on Friday. I sat and told two female dr's how I felt, of course the flood gates opened. I know as a rational person, I have nothing to be ashamed about but it feelsd very strange telling people face to face as I am not one to cry in front of strangers.

Any way, they have put me on mild AD's to see how I get on but they have also suggested councilling. God, I never thought I would be in this position. I just want the AD's to take effect and give me a little ease during the grey moments.

I relate to what everyone says about not looking forward to going out, I don't really like the thought of socialising and normally I am the first to want to be around friends.

I'll get there I suppose.

[beegee]

Hi penny

I'm here for you if you want to chat...I really know what you're going through with the anxiety and insommnia. It's baaaaaddd.

Please don't feel ashamed. It's not a weakness. You're ill and you will get better. It'll probably take time. You're not alone.

xxx

[pennytiff]

All these conversations is making me cry (finally)

I did the test about a month and a half ago and hv said I was suffering mildly from PND but DD is now 4.5months and I have got worse.

I can not sleep, well I fall asleep at 9.30pm and then wake at 1pm and am awake till 5 while DD sleeps all night. I have anxiety all the time and find it hard to be happy.

I love my DD so much that it is overwhelming and she is such a good baby I really should be happy but I am working part-time but the worries and stresses of work are taking over and I can not deal with it all. I wanted a baby and didn't expect to be working but financially have to. DH is understanding but I can not really explain how I really feel. I feel embarrased and ashamed to tell anyone other than family as I feel like I am failing.

I just want to come out of this 'dark phase'.

[helling]

Kristina - I didn't know sore hands was symptom of thyroid problems?! Have had problems with both depression and sore hands all my life! Now v depressed, baby 3 1/2 months, v sore and weak hands!! Thyroid problems in family too. Will get it checked out this pm at baby clinic. If it turns out that this is the problem will be eternally grateful!

[helling]

Kristina - I didn't know sore hands was symptom of thyroid problems?! Have had problems with both depression and sore hands all my life! Now v depressed, baby 3 1/2 months, v sore and weak hands!! Thyroid problems in family too. Will get it checked out this pm at baby clinic. If it turns out that this is the problem will be eternally grateful!

[beegee]

BTW i was fortunate enough to have a PND councillor in my area. Seeing her really helped. I remember her saying that symptoms can get worse around your period so that's what you're probably experiencing.

Does your hv know how you are?

[beegee]

Hi Claire

I'm recovering from PND - i've taken ADs and been on them now for a few mths..i resisted at first but i needed them BIG time and i finally gave in.

What has struck me about what you're saying is that you weren't looking forward to going out for a meal when that would usually love it. That is a classic PND symptom. It's like you've had a personality change and things you would usually enjoy or cope with you can't anymore.

I remember if someone asked me how was i feeling i couldn't answer them because it was either really crap or i just didn't know anymore. I lost all perspective and that's a common sign too.

The pendulum mood swings are another common symptom. There would be times i felt i was coping fine and then a small incident would give me heart pulpitaions and i would get a panick attack. It was completely weird to me as i had never suffered any of this before (with ds1 i was completely fine)

I also remember feeling tired all the time even if i'd had a rest. It was like no amount of rest would ever fix it.

BTW good idea to have a blood test to check thyroid. I did - mine was fine tho.

My main feeling i had when it was really bad was almost like someone had spiked my drink with awful drugs. You can't 'snap out of it' - impossible. You feel trapped by your feelings and trapped in your head/body.

It does get better. I'd be happy to post regularly to see how you (or others) are getting on. Support - from people who know - is vital.

Big love to you - it will not last for ever.

ps - origina - looking back mine def started when i was pg.

[Kiwiem]

Thanks, never heard of it but then my HV was crap!

[kittywits]

It's the assessment test the health visitor should do x weeks postnatally . I've always called it the "Are you depressed test?" if you have a high score then they'll retest a little later on to see if things are getting better. I'm pretty sure that's the test anyway.

[Kiwiem]

BTW, sorry to hijack but what's the edinburgh test?

[Kiwiem]

Hi Claire, I've was feeling exactly like you for several months...eventually went to GP because of horrendous aching joints. She did bloods and called me the next day to tell me I had post-partum thyroiditis. Mine was overactive so I've been on tablets since which helped initially. Definitely worth asking about this, and I really feel for you...I started to think I was going mad. Actually, I think I probably did have (do have?! ) some form of PND as well.

[bakedpotato]

Just wondering how you got on today, Claire.

[Olihan]

So many of the posts on here really struck a chord with me. I had all these feelings and symptoms when my dd (#2) was about 4 months old. I'd avoided pnd first time round, despite a history of depression, and my edinburgh test was fine in the early days with dd, then I just seemed to slide downhill, but not all the time, mornings and lunchtimes were awful but I picked up as the day went on. Some days I'd feel 'normal' again then be totally wrecked the following day. I finally phoned my hv and cried down the phone to her, she came the following day and redid the edinburgh which showed I was defnitely depressed, made me an appointment with the GP who ordered blood tests first of all, to rule out anything else. I had a phone call 2 days later to say I had to go back in and it turned out my thyroid wasn't functioning properly. My levels were really low but the symptoms were exactly the same as pnd. I'm so grateful that my gp was on the ball and did the blood tests first. I started on thyroxine straightaway and was pretty much back to normal within a week. I'll probably be on thyroxine for the rest of my life but it has no effect on bf and have no side effects once your dosage is correct, so it's a small price to pay.

Anyway, the whole point of that is to ask you to make sure you ask your gp to do a thyroid test. It's surprising how many women I've met since I was diagnosed who also developed it after giving birth. If my gp hadn't been on the ball I could easily have been given ad's (which I don't have a prob with, I took them in the past) but my thyroid problem could have had a lot more of an effect on my body if it wasn't identified and treated.

[claire7471]

HI,

orangina i'm glad to be of help ! think i might have to print it out to tell my gp aswell as whenever i think about what am i going to say i start welling up, it must be hard being pregnant aswell but i'm sure gp will be able to help us both.... i was ok during pregnancy and for the first 5 months which i thought was going to be tougher than it was in reality...

it's defin itely coming and going though, have had an ok couple of days but today cried when i ran out of bread and am getting ridiculously stressed that baby won't try taking a cup tho it doesn't really matter as aren't back at work for another 5 weeks and even then only for 2 days a week. made me realise there is something wrong, tends to develop over the day and be worse when i'm alone tho partner will either make me feel better or send me off the deep end....over last weekend seriously thought i was going to leave him tho again that's a total overreaction as actually we're fine and he's doing his best for me (still lazy and messy but usually that don't bother me much !!)

so veering between thinking 'ther's nothing wrong i'm being melodramatic and silly' then wanting to go to bed and never get out. mum coming this evening to baby sit and supposed to be going down the roasd for a meal, usually this would be something i'd enjoy but to be honest i'd rather not see anytone and jsut go back to bed...glad it's nearly monday, apart form anytrhing else depression is very boring !

last thing i reasd it cabn come on due to hormonal changes when start having periods again, jsut about to have second period since birth...any experience with this ?

cheers claire

[KristinaM]

I was also thinking of either murdering or leaving my DH

[KristinaM]

I had some of the things you describe - irritable, exhausted, tearful, depressed, painful joints, muscle aches - after my second child. Turns out I had post partum thyroiditis. Can be diagnosed with a simple blood test. Your GP will prpobably take blood anyway to test for anaemia.

I couldn't get my hands to work properly - couldnt do up the poppers on sleepsuits or open jars

Just a thought......

[orangina]

Thank you! Yes I am, 20 weeks, and not really enjoying it much ...

[codwiggle]

are you pg orangina?
congrats.

[orangina]

Hi Claire....
I'm reading your thread with.... interest? horror? as you seem to feel exactly as I do at the moment, and I'm pregnant with #2. Definitely hits me in waves etc, when things are fine, I can't remember what all the fuss was about, but then when I drop in the black hole, it's almost exactly as you have (so brilliantly) described it... I've booked to see my GP next week, and I think I might print off your description and take it with me, as I seem only to be able to sum it up in sentences containing the words "crap" and "shit".... clearly sentence structure isn't improving as the pregnancy progresses! Did you feel fine during your pregnancy, or do you think you had some inkling that you might feel like this during your pregnancy? Am worried that I will feel even worse after the baby is born (in February), and it's all I can do to try to imagine getting through the next 4-5 months without having to worry what lies beyond....
Sorry, this isn't meant to be a hi-jack, just was struck by how your description of how you are feeling so closely matched how I'm feeling right now....

[bakedpotato]

Well, the blackness came and went for me.
That really confused me. I'd think I might be OK after all and then bam, it decended again, and the crushed hopes were so hard to bear on top of everything else.
Also, I remember that I'd often be very low first thing and at lunchtime, and then I'd gradually pick up and by the evening (when DH got home) I'd be feeling better, almost normal. All part of the mindmelt, for me.
Glad things are better today, anyway. Hope they stay good. Keep the appointment.

[claire7471]

HI,

cheers for all replies, dh has come round a bit and your perspectives have helped me not feel quite so p8888ed off with him. feel ok again today but tired and aching all over ( maybe i just have something that makes you ache) am resisting the temptation to cancel the app as feeling a bit foolish today, it's sunny, baby being good, dh at home and we're not fighting or irritated.....i suppose it does come and go does it ?

[bungaloo]

well done for making the appt - i felt exactly the same as you a month or so ago. i had completely lost my perspective on things and it led to huge, and i mean HUGE rows between me and dh. I've been on ADs for 7 wks now and i think some of my sense of perspective is coming back an d things are generally calmer between me and dh.. I felt a failure and almost ungrateful for needing help as on the surface out life appears so good - ie nice house, plenty of money beautiful baby, etc

[bakedpotato]

Well done for making the appointment.

Re your partner, the difficulty with depression is it's almost impossible to understand unless you've had it yourself. It makes no sense to an outsider.

My DH was initially (like Zippy's) baffled/freaked out by the whole thing. Once I got diagnosed and put pamphlets in his hand and said, 'Look, please just make it easier for me,' he found it easier to cope with. He was (as I was) terrified that I'd get 'stuck' in the illness, but he had to make a real effort to be supportive. In the end, he definitely got it.

Can he come with you on Monday? I found that when DH came to one of my earlier GP appts, he really engaged with what was going on. Also then he could ask questions.

And show him this thread, and other PND ones.