Can't get out of bed

[Messupmum]

I don't think people who haven't suffered from depression can understand that awful feeling when you can't physically do anything.

I'm lying in bed, attempted getting up and dressed a few times but it's like wading through treacle. My body feels heavy, my head feels foggy/muzzy-hard to explain. My eyes want to close but my racing thoughts wouldn't let me sleep.

I need to get up and do things but I can't even decide what to wear, even opening a drawer to get clothes out is hard work! It's so ridiculous but when you're stuck in this place, it's horrible, scary and frustrating.

I managed to have a cup of tea earlier and a biscuit, but that took a lot of energy and I found myself back in bed. Despite eating/drinking I feel so spaced out and dizzy it's like I haven't eaten for a week.

It's sunny outside but it could be raining and miserable for all I care. I hate this illness that no one can see, but it is a daily struggle and I'm expected to get on with it.

[Sijeunessesavait]

Dear MuM (also not calling you MessUp!)
I sense from the threads you've started that you really need someone to recognise how you feel, and Mumtosome61 seems to have exactly done that in her beautiful post. Hope you can take her advice and just be kind to yourself, accept that you van do more on some days than others, and accept all the help from the mh professionals that is on offer. Thigs WILL get better for you, and you are doing so well to keep working at that. I'm here and care, though I don't have any better advice than that you've already received xxx

[Sophiedotty]

I take Clonazapam occasionally when needed on top of my Sertraline & Olanzapine. My psychiatrist said her preferred to prescribe that than Valium. It does sound like you need a meds review. The 200 mg dose may be making things worse. I was on that dose for a while & my heart was racing & I felt anxious with such a bad headache.
Hope you are doing ok today. .

[Messupmum]

I have a headache today, I have a lot of headaches. I feel like crying, nothing seems to be going right. I do mess up everything. I can't get a break from my thoughts, it's driving me mad.

[Sophiedotty]

Do you have your mum or a friend that can be with you?
Can you see if you can get a Drs appt? You sound very low.
I found the headache is a serotonin headache, right at the front of your head & feels different to a normal headache. I found painkillers didn't touch it. The 200 mg dose can cause this type of headache. Can you call & speak to someone today about your meds? Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad.

[NanaNina]

Oh MuM so so sorry you are feeling so crap and I know the torment of depression and anxiety at first hand and you said in your OP that it is only people who have experienced this illness that can understand it and that is SO true.

I know everyone is trying to help but there are times when we sufferers have to accept that there just is no more that can be done. You are seeing a psych, have a diagnosis, a CPN and meds - same here. My CPN is lovely and only works 3 days a week, but when the depression knocks me into a deep dark well of pointless nothingness where any motivation to do anything has completely evaporated there is nothing anyone can do and like you all I want to do is hide under the duvet. Even going to the bathroom is scary and getting a shower can be soooo hard. I am more fortunate as my family is grown and so I don't have to care for a child/ren. God knows how hard it must be when you have a child - how old is she - are you a single parent? Sorry don't mean to sound nosey. Incidentally I got that description of depression from someone on the MH thread and it certainly "spoke" to me - but somehow I suspect it is anxiety that is the biggest problem today - can you describe it?

Forgive me but I never know if BPD is bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder. I suspect it is the former as you mention "racing thoughts" in some of your posts. Like you I think I can't phone my friends because they have heard it all before, and might think "oh god not again."

Sending warm wishes your way........

[NanaNina]

Oh and Goldigger why are you asking the OP if she is venting - sounds very uncaring.

[Messupmum]

I took tablets but still have a headache, all I want to do is sleep. I feel exhausted, but I can't. I have been trying to get through this by myself as I realise there is a limit to what others can do. There's no point speaking to anyone today, my cpn asked about meds, but I'll have to wait to speak to psychiatrist anyway.

I don't blame people for questioning why I'm posting and what I'm asking for. I don't know really, it's like keeping a diary I suppose. I will write stuff down for my cpn too, when I can think clearly enough to do so.

[Sophiedotty]

Could you get some pure lavender oil & put some in a bath or with some water in an oil burner. I find that helps me to relax especially with a headache.

[Sijeunessesavait]

Dear MuM
I hope I didn't sound like I was questioning why you are posting - I didn't mean to. I've read some of your threads and feel concerned for you that you're not getting the help you need. It's really good to keep writing here; please know that we are listening to you and care. I hope you might feel able to share this thread with your psychiatrist and that things can start to change for you. You're being very brave to deal with everything on your own xx

[Messupmum]

Sorry I didn't mean that, I meant the question about if I was venting.

I actually had ordered some lavender oil, it came today and I'll have a bath tonight.

It is borderline personality disorder I've been diagnosed with. I'm having group therapy. This week the same two people who talk the most every week, took over the group. Plus the therapist admitted she wasn't 100% there as her dog was in the vets and twice she hurried out to take phonecalls. I sit there thinking, I've waited a year for this, so many people are relying on it helping me, and I don't see how it is.

I'm scared, that this is it. A life of ups and downs, negative and suicidal thoughts, anxiety and paranoia. If it is, I can't bear to think about it. I know I've got to take it a day at a time but that's hard when every day is crap.

[NanaNina]

That is shocking behaviour for a therapist leading a group. The first rule for therapists is they do NOT talk about their own lives.........ok if they are asked a question about their personal lives they can answer, or just say gently "I don't think it will help you to know ..........(whatever is asked" This is more than shocking. I think you should make it known to her that you were very distressed by this because you felt that you had waited so long for therapy and now here she was worrying about a dog!!

There will always be people in groups who talk more than others, but the job of the group leader is to "manage" the group, by trying to draw in the quieter members and stopping any group members dominating the group. She sounds like a very incompetent group leader.

[Messupmum]

I wondered if she should be trying to involve other members a bit more. I've been for 5/6 weeks, and there are two members who have hardly spoken and I know nothing about. It does seem to be the same two or three who are very dominating and end up talking for the whole session. About really random things.

One week I was saying about how I struggle and the thoughts I have, and one of the talkative members said that dd will remember everything, and she said 'poor thing (dd)', and then asked me why didn't I get her adopted if I can't cope?! No one intervened, or questioned her or asked how I felt about that comment. That weekend I ended up in a&e .

Anyway, still got a headache so need to sleep now.

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

Messupmum You should complain as you are right, that is not on. DD will not 'catch' this from you. My Dad's mum was seriously mentally ill and none of the rest of her family or 5 children were harmed by it, nor her teens of grandchildren. Makes me cross to hear/see the louder members of group therapy sessions inflict their pain on others like that. If they do it again, reflect it back on them and ask them why do they day that/ why do they think that/where does that come from/is it something that they are afraid of?

Is there no option of one to one counselling/therapy for you, as that would be far better. Or ask if there is a different group, or if the group could be split and you not with the 2/3 most vocal members?

Sleep well. Hope things are better tomorrow.

Keep a diary.

[HoopHopes]

Complaining can be dangerous though, I complained about my therapy group leader and result was I was told to leave the group - it was either work their way or get no NHS treatment ( however ill I was, crisis team only support left open to me). They have their own methods of working and whilst we may be frustrated about how they lead groups and group dynamics they will always have a reason for it and be able to argue at a higher level their methods of working.


Do you feel able to say in group what you think about the group dynamics as that is probably what they are waiting for someone to say? Agree dog issue bad and would tell the Cpn about that.

Have you a nice weekend lined up? Rain here so looking fr indoor entertainment for my dc and trying to motivate myself to do the cleaning

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

Hoophopes that's a very good point, and something I hadnt considered.

[Messupmum]

I don't feel I could say anything anyway. I don't know what to expect from group therapy so maybe this is how it goes.

I don't know why I'm finding it harder to go out. I am putting off going out where possible as some kind of fear comes over me. I thought my self esteem was already bad. Oh god, I really don't want to get worse, but more symtoms keep appearing. I can't let them but I don't seem to have much control. I know how ridiculous that sounds.

[NanaNina]

I think it is very common to find it really hard to go out (sometimes to get out of bed) when depression/anxiety is really bad. In a way I think our brain is telling us that we need to withdraw (this is what animals do when they are ill.....they find somewhere to hide away from us) The fear that you talk about is also very common and that is what anxiety is isn't it fear fear of the present and fear of the future and even fear of fear if that makes any sense.

You are obviously in "secondary care" as you have a psychiatrist and CPN. Sorry you might have already said what meds you are on, but are they right - do they need changing/something added. I know though that sometimes meds just don't keep us well and we have bouts of awful days. Is there any pattern - do you feel worse some days than others, as these fluctuations are normal in mental illness. Mind nothing seems "normal" when we are so depressed we can't get out of bed.

That was an awful thing that that person said to you in the group and the leader should have pointed out that it was not the case and a very inappropriate thing to say. How about you pluck up the courage next time to say to that person something like: "your comment about my DD really upset me last week and you can't see into the future anymore than anyone else can."

[HoopHopes]

Hi MuM wondered how things going this week? Hope a few brighter moments.

[Messupmum]

Struggling a lot, but shouldn't really say how I've been. Thank you for thinking of me though.

[HoopHopes]

Sometimes it is just keeping going that matters. Another day ticked off, etc.

I read something recently that I found helpful - instead of writing a to do list and not achieving it, writing a "done" list and celebrating even the little positives. Am going to try this. So today:
Washed hair,
Played play doh with dc


Etc

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

Am thinking of you too.
Yes, even just saying out loud what you've done (had a shower, brushed hair, got dressed, something for breakfast, drank a glass of water) in as small detail as necessary can make you realise you are doing the best you can with what you've got.

Have had an awful morning and now hiding away with laptop before the 'afternoon rush' which can be a challenge at times. However, the awful morning was full of some pretty amazing family time too. It just felt horrible (some of it).

[Messupmum]

God it's all gone wrong. Someone found stuff I'd written down, my worst thoughts, bad stuff, I can't even bear to read through what they have seen. I can't remember everything I'd written and I don't want to know. I'm mortified, my minds racing. I hate my life, and the fact I'm ruining others.

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

Any chance you tell them you were writing notes for a novel? Would they believe that?

[Messupmum]

No they know! It's my own stupid fault for not getting rid of it. People might say its best people know, but it doesn't feel that way. I feel like all my private thoughts are being spread about. It's killing me inside. I want to scream, cry but can't even do that as my head is screwed up.

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

I can imagine. I really can. If I knew people had read my darkest or most unattractive writings when I was at my lowest ebb, I would be feeling the same way. What you, and they, need to realise is, everyone (including you) has thoughts and feelings that we don't mean, haven't decided upon, get out of our system to clear space for oneself in ones own head (if that makes sense - maybe that last bit is just me). In other words, when we write private things down, we don't necessarily express them in a way that puts us in the best light.

For example, I have felt like killing a certain person (Not any more. They're dead now actually, but not because of me.) There was even a scary time when I would dream about it. In order to free myself from the dreams, I wrote about it. Anyone finding that (now destroyed) would think I was... not a safe person to be around, which I was not and am not.