OMG i've had enough.....

[PainForLife]

everyone around me is treating me like shite, all day today I've been reliving the horrible sexual abuse from my childhood. they just don't understand it's not under my control or I would just push the off button & live happily for the rest of my life

they keep saying we are trying to help you.but your not trying hard enough to forget about it. FFS what do they want me to do get a brain transplant or something. I got fed up earlier & said this to them. now they are not speaking to me! yday one of them told me to take a sleeping pill & go to bed because they did not want to hear my rant :(

for the first time since I had my breakdown I feel like a stranger in my own home :( I'm just sat here crying my eyes out & thinking of possible ways to end my life!

[PainForLife]

feeling restless tonight :( nerve pain is awful even after taking the medication. will need to take a zopiclone tonight!!!

hw are u all doing???

[PainForLife]

hi all,
sorry been very poorly for a few days hence not been on here much. just wanna say I may not reply for a while but I do read comments posted on here so any1 want to come on & moan then pls moan away.

hope every1's weekend had started well :)

[IlianaDupree]

Hope you're getting through ok Pain, have you thought of contacting rape crisis to see if they can help you a bit? apols if you already have.

Sleeton, my only family support has been my child so it's good to hear how much supporters do care. We don't have an option to walk away from it, you do yet you haven't. The grounding techniques are an alternative tool to drugs and alcohol to "get through stuff" they've helped me and give cues that I'm upset to others. It hasn't damaged me, it's provided safety.

[sleeton]

Hi all,

I see you were having a very restless night last night PainForLife. Did you manage to get off to sleep, eventually?

I keep thinking about your posts and the mental and physical anguishes you face. They don't always separate into neat little lists, that can be dealt with individually and chronologically, do they?!!! (I'd insert a 'smile' in here, if I'd ever figured how to insert those 'face' things!).

I was also thinking about the 'grounding techniques' that IlianaDupree mentioned.
I think such techniques have a great deal of potential, but I also see (in my own family situation) that it takes a huge leap of faith to keep on persevering with 'stuff'. (Again speaking for my own family situation) sometimes it seems that it is preferable to stay in the hell 'you' are in, than go on and on persevering with thing that just might leave 'you' in a worse hell.
IYSWIM. There is that added fear, that can sometimes prevent someone moving on (or sideways) a stage.

Am I making sense? (Gosh, my rambling thought processes). That got me wondering, are you still receiving any counselling, or support group stuff, for the original abuse? Is there anyone there for you? I do hope so.

IlianaDupree, no, it's not fair on anyone ....... but ..... thank you so much. It makes it a bit better to know that others know that!

Hope everyone has as good a day as they can.

[PainForLife]

god these night sweats are killing me..... tonight's one is soooooo horrible!!!

[PainForLife]

hi sleeton & llianadupree

it's such a miserable & cold day where the hell is beginning of summer & a bit of sunshine???

hope ur both having an alright day. I had quite a late night so have only just got out of bed. little one has been busy all day annoying the crap out of my parent's but they live it although they both look done in now! I've just had a nice cuppa with my fave choc digestive biscuits & yes I practically have eaten the whole pack. I figures I need the pick me up to keep up with my DD. Pain level wise everything is hurting like hell but that could also be because of the cold :(

I'm gonna drag myself out of bed now & give some attention to the bounce toddler screaming mummy!!!

[IlianaDupree]

Thats sorry to hear Pain, hope they can do something to help now. Thinking of you

Sleeton, thanks for sharing. It's not fair on anyone is it.

[sleeton]

Hi, PainForLIfe, and I hope this is going to be an okay morning for you.

I know exactly what you mean and, the truth is, sometimes (though, not all the time) we know EXACTLY what we are saying!
Sometimes we use this kind of stuff almost as 'shock tactics' ... we will say absolutely ANYTHING to try and reach 'you', to try and bring about some change, any change.
Sometimes we say this kind of thing because it's exactly the way we feel at the time, we might be feeling a bit down, or anticipating some kind of 'trouble', or feeling a bit bereft, grieving for the person we know 'you' really are.
Sometimes we are frustrated and - as I said once before - just being mean .... sorry.

Truth is, we (in common with some of the biggest experts and best minds in the world) often don't know what to say and do for the best, and we will try ANYTHING!

Got to go to work, for now, but I'll be thinking about you (and about the person I support!!!).

[PainForLife]

sleeton thank you for the explanation. the funny thing is I agree with what you've said 100% & deep down I know my family love me & don't mean to upset me. I know it's tiring for them too (the constant trips to & from hospital). I absolutely acknowledge all their efforts but I just can't begin to explain to them how I feel. it really upsets me when they say things like "if you loved us you wouldn't let these thoughts take over". this makes me feel absolutely crap.

comfort eating had caused me to put on 10 kilos in the last two months. I now weigh 91kilos(the heaviest I've ever been). I hate myself for comfort eating but I can't help myself.

yesterday I had an appt with a neurologist who has diagnosed me now with fibromyalgia - so above everything else I've got this now :(

[sleeton]

Hi all, I am so so sorry about what you are going through, PainForLife, sorry about anyone in similar situations.

I'm posting this to try and maybe explain how 'family members' feel and why they sometimes react badly.
I am the family of a person in a very similar situation to you. I guess you could say I'm the 'Primary Carer' and please believe me, families do care!
Sometimes we don't understand, sometimes we do understand but can't help or reach our loved one, sometimes we help, sometimes we make it worse. Mostly we don't often stop trying or caring.

Also sometimes ... (and please don't anyone be hurt or worried by this, I am just trying to explain why families behave this way, I wouldn't hurt any of you for the world) ... sometimes we get incredibly sad, weary, and think we - too - cannot do one more day of this.
We know, deep down, that we can and we will, we want 'you' to feel better and we won't leave you, but sometimes we get narky, frustrated; sometimes -even - really mean ... we're sorry.
Sometimes we're just plain selfish and want to yell "But what about me?".

Sometimes it's like depression is infectious. A reflective situation! (This time) I've been 'the family' of someone in this situation for an unrelenting four years now, and most days I cry, but the person I'm supporting doesn't know I do.

I'm sure your family love you, PainForLife, and desperately want to help you feel better. They just don't know how. I'm sure they don't mean to hurt you.

[IlianaDupree]

Ups and downs and all over the place, it often feels like I'm going nowhere or backwards but I can see improvement from a few years ago.

Don't feel disgusted with yourself, you're doing what you're doing to get through, talk to your gp for help and hopefully they can ease things for you.

Hope you stayed awake for your dd and get some good sleep tonight.

[PainForLife]

hi llianadupree

i've done the same as y'day just bee eating away all day. Feel very disgusted by myself because of it. just glad my apptwwith Dr is tomorrow & have a medication review. been so dizzy/drowsy all day so I've stayed in bed.

DD will be home from nursery any minute & I'm trying to stay awake so I don't miss her.

hw has ur day been?

[IlianaDupree]

Hope you're ok today Pain, next time you see your gp can you ask if there are any local charities who may be able to help you?

[PainForLife]

hi lliannaDupree,

yes it has been great to have the family on my side again. I'm disappointed in myself that today I have just been eating whatever is in my sight. over eating is a side effects of my medication so I'm hoping at my next appointment on weds the Dr can maybe change it to something else.

I have been trying to keep myself occupied all day with some success. if I don't fall asleep.naturally in the next hour then I'll be taking my sleeping tablet & go to bed.

hope your doing well today :)

[IlianaDupree]

Hi, that's really good your family has apologised, a step in the right direction.

The charity MIND can help with a bit more support if you feel like it. The flashbacks are horrible, don't try to do too much and take it easy on yourself, you're doing so well to not let it win.

One thing survivors can find hard is self comforting so doing happy things is good.

[PainForLife]

good morning ladies :)
today seems to be a bit better. the good los cry last & ggetting some sleep has eased the pressure off the brain a bit. suicidal thoughts continue as do the horrible flashbacks. just sat in my & trying to numb the feelings. I'm really considering SH today but trying to concentrate on happy things to avoid those thoughts :(

family r being much better than yesterday& some of them have even apologized for being horrible yesterday. I guess its a new day so new beginnings n all that. see hw d day goes.

how r u guys doing today? hope better :)

[IlianaDupree]

Hope you're ok this morning Pain. Just take things day by day, hour by hour if you need to. Hope rl is a bit more supportive for you today too.

[Lucyellensmum95]

have a good nights sleep and i hope you are feeling a bit more positive in the morning xxx

[PainForLife]

sorry folks had to get DD to bed.

I don't mind in the slightest if you want to talk about other techniques or even if u want to get something of your chest. feel free to rant away. I hope we can support each other. childhood sexual abuse is not an easy topic to talk about & only survivors really know truly how difficult day to day life can be! as a survivor I can say this is the first place I''ve talked about it apart from in an office with a psychiatris. this itself is a big achievement for me.

neway I've taken my zopiclone so I will wish u all a good night sleep. it's been a while since i've slept through the whole night without waking up scarred & shakey hoping to break out of that tonight. :)

[IlianaDupree]

I'm addicted to tea now.

The NHS don't teach grounding techniques but they can help, they don't change what's happened but gives you back some control over what happened. It's difficult to do, to allow yourself to feel safe but can be a way to get those around you to be able to help. I have a teen so don't want to tell him things so say I'm feeling bad about my past fancy getting me a sugary tea, gives him some strength he can help.

Don't want to derail, hope you're feeling ok Pain.

[Lucyellensmum95]

:( please don't be embarrased, now you have explained it it makes perfect sense - i didnt mean to sound disparaging at all. No one should have to feel scared because of what anotehr person has done

I see what you mean about the sugary tea (i take three ) and the holding it.

[IlianaDupree]

Sorry, it's a grounding technique for abuse survivors if the memories are bad. It's comforting so might work for pain too even if it's just 5mins rest.

For abuse stuff it's trying to keep yourself focused in the present. Sounds daft but works. Feel slightly embarassed now. Erm, wrapping yourself tightly in a nice soft blanket, feel the texture etc keep reminding yourself you're safe.

Sugary tea is for shock and holding it is to try and focus on the present again. Iyswim.

[Lucyellensmum95]

Iliana - i can see how the elastic band will work, but the blanket and tea? eh???

[Lucyellensmum95]

I'm doing ok thanks, to be fair i don't have half of what you have to deal with - just a bloody stupid imbalance that means i dont cope well with stress. The meds are low dose and im only on the diazepam for a week (doctor wont give me anymore - cow!, those are the ones that are really working for me).

You shouldnt be hard on yourself, your MH issues are as much an issue as your physical ones, the problem is that the medical profession don't have such a handle on the brain as they do the rest of the body so its more hit and miss.

[IlianaDupree]

Sorry it's been of no help.

Last time I felt suicidal I told eveyone and didn't care what they thought, some self harm techniques I was taught was to use an elastic band and ping it on my wrist, to wrap myself in a blanket and sip a cup of sugary tea or to stomp my feet on the ground. It's taken a few years of therapy and practise but it helps when no one else will listen.

You're lovely daughter is there for you.

Sorry for everyone else going through similar.