Freak or phoney? Sorry long...........................

[dandycandyjellybean]

Not sure exactly what to write really, I guess I just want some feedback/support. Had my ds 6 months ago and found it incredibly hard for the first three months, could have happily opened the front door and pushed him into the arms of any passing stranger!!! Just thought I'd made a hideous mistake and wanted my old life back. Sometimes even found myself shouting at my lovely ds !!! (In my own defence had a pretty awful time of the birth and took a long time to recover from that, not to mention that have had several bouts of flu since he was born and didn't get a lot of help at the time. Also dh is disabled and needs a lot more looking after in the winter, right when I could have done with loads of help/support from him!!!! Also, best mate who knows my circs re. not being able to count on support/help from dh had been making all sorts of promises during my pg about all the help and support she would provide, and then once ds arrived she seemed to melt into the background.) Anyway, as I began to get a routine established, I did start to feel a bit better, more able to cope generally. BUT, can only cope when things are okay, as soon as dh has a bad run healthwise, (he also suffers with depression, which I find particularly hard) or my mil (who has turned into an absolute godsend recently) is away, or poorly or busy and can't help I go to pieces. All of this is a very long winded way of saying that i'M thinking of going to my gp for ad's. We did talk about it a couple of times earlier on when I wasn't coping, but as I started to feel better I felt that I didn't need them, also that I would be failing if i succombed to taking them. Just kind of feel like a phoney that I can cope some of the time, and feel fairly happy, but am so tired of falling apart at the slightest hurdle. I just want some stability. I had an eating disorder in my late teens early twenties, and after a suicide attempt did have some counselling and started on a long round of being on and off different ad's. Haven't been on ad's for quite a few years before my pg, still had bouts of depression but was able to ride them out by keeping a detailed journal and almost kind of counselling myself through that. But, I just don't have the time or the head space (iyswim) to do that since ds arrived. When I am struggling, find myself resenting my ds and so desperately don't want to feel like this, love him so much and want to be a good mum. Also, (final bit I promise) my mum suffered with depression all through my childhood, and when she was bad it was awful and my experiences definitely scarred my quite badly, so I am desperate not to do that to ds. So, do I sound like a rambling freak that needs head meds immediately, or just a phoney who needs to pull her socks up and count her bloody blessings?

[naswm]

I've been following your thread cubby, although not posted. I hope things were okay at the docs. Let us know.....

[wrinklytum]

dear cubby a quick note as in rush hope ur ok havent had chance to post today

[dandycandyjellybean]

Mmmm........................

[naswm]

mmmm? cubby??

[dandycandyjellybean]

Prettycandles, sounds like you had a bad night too, and the busty bluebells thing really made me lol.

However, just really confused now. Although I had a tough start to the day, it actually got loads better. I have suffered with depression on and off since my late teens, and for a while I was on and off meds with varying levels of success. Then in my 30's I have been able to have a similar level of success using a combination of diary self therapy and exercise. In fact even when I was pg, i still swam 1/2 mile 3 times a week, which really helped my head. Getting out to do that post-baby has been hard (not to mention no time to do diary thing), as none of the creche sessions co-incide with lane swimming, so I have only been managing 1 - 2 swims a week, not enough seratonin boosts to keep my head well. So yesterday, (pre-doctors) I was booked in for my first session (since being pg) at the gym, and ds's first session at the creche. Although ds didn't settle brilliantly I feel confident as do the creche staff that within a few sessions he'll be fine, and I really, really enjoyed being back in the gym and working myself hard, and more importantly having some 'empty head' time, iykwim. Felt like a million dollars by the time I came out. So, found it hard to be really clear about how bad things get with my doc (who incidentally is new to me, so although he has my notes, has not been party to any bad depression on my behalf yet). He was really nice and said he thought I was borderline, and that he would put me on a low dose of Cipramil, (an ad I have had before which suits me pretty well).
However, as soon as I'd come out, all I could think was 'I won't take them straight away, I'll get back into loads of exercise first, and see if that works.' In my head it kind of makes sense to attempt to raise my seratonin naturally first. But then I'm not sure if I'm just avoiding ad's because i hate the idea of them rather than being totally honest with myself about needing them.
Dh says what was the point of agonising for ages (on and off) about going to the docs if I'm not going to take what he's prescribed? (And he was pretty anti the whole ad thing at the beginning). Am now in total quandry [confused emoticon].

[PrettyCandles]

Good on you Cubby! I think you've done brilliantly!

What you say makes 100% crystal clear sense to me. Personally, I feel that recovery from depression is more than just letting the meds do their job - it's also about making a personal investment in yourself, and feeling proud of your achievement. If generating your serotonin boost yourself gives you that good feeling, then go right ahead. Have that prescription ready (or even get the pills and keep them at the back of the cupboard) and you know that you have a fall-back position. I have done exactly that: kept a bottle of the medication that helped me at the back of the cupboard for the last 4 years. When it goes out-of-date I get a new bottle. Just knowing it's there is a crutch to support me. Knowing that I've dealt with things my own way and coped well is more than a crutch - it's a bloody great firework display shooting my confidence up to the stars!

Brilliant that the creche session worked. And the gym too. Now you've got to prioritise that session - it's your's and you are a very important person.

Well done. You should feel pleased with yourself!

[Littlefish]

Do you have a SureStart centre near you? They may be able to offer you some support through one of their schemes. Sometimes they have nursery or childminder respite spaces available.

I would also second the suggestion of contacting the NCT. When my dd was born I found it really overwhelming. I started going to the Bumps and Babies groups which met weekly in someone's house. They were a complete lifeline for me - the chance to go out, but be in a safe environment with other mums of young babies. It gave me the chance to chat and feel normal again, even if it was just for a couple of hours a week.

I think you are doing brilliantly. It's so hard to admit that you are finding it hard to cope. Well done for seeing your GP.

I finally admitted last week that I wasn't coping (dd is 17 months) and have my first appointment with a counsellor next week.