I hate my life so much right now

[NienorNiniel]

Just that really. I hate my life. My house is a mess. My kids don't listen to me. I am failing them as a parent. I have no one to talk to. I am so alone. I can't think. I don't know what to do. Please help me.

[Jennjen]

Hi I hate my life right now I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs I love my partner deeply I've never love anyone quiet like him ..I found out he cheated on me we have a child together wen I found out. I send my child to a relatives I didn't won't her in the house around any arguments I dicovered a message from another women on his phone telling h if he wasn't at her house in five minuits . she was going to bed .,I was with freinds in my house he popped out for some fresh air or so he said long story short he cam bk and attacked me strangled me and suffercated me putting his hand over my mouth and nose locked me in my own house telling me he was going to kill me unless I brought my child back I did tell him I was going to leave and wouldn't tell him were my daughter was it of anger for what I had just found out I have been with h for year and he has never ever put his hadsbon me before and now I'm not scared of him I was that night but I really don't no what to do I feel like all my love has gone I feel ugly I feel like he never loved me I am a complete mess crying all the the he has apologized a lot since but I carnt get over it I'm paranoid wennhis out as what do I do

[Smurf79]

Feel quite similar but annoys me when people go on about mental health... I'm mentally well, I don't have depression I'm just fed up with all the crap being dealt.

[bigdonkey]

You should hire a cleaning service.

[bigdonkey]

I love this thread and the op has just given a voice to my exact feelings right now. Plus! My boyfriend just left in anger because I said Led Zeppelin is sexy.

[monkeysonmyback]

your even

[monkeysonmyback]

Have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder?

I hope you're children are okay.

[GupX]

You need some help. I hope you get it.

I hope your kids are OK too.

[amazingmumof6]

what do you mean you have to give in to me? who is torturing you? or pressurizing you? I'm sorry I really don't know what you are on about. you ask people's opinion then bite their heads off for giving you advice. I'm stopping too

[NienorNiniel]

So now you say I only have 2 options. If I want to carry on I have to give in to you. Do things you way. agree with you. Let you push me into something I hate. something that makes every cell of my body scream in pain. It makes me want to tear my ears of to hear the words you say.Claw my eyes out when i see it written down. But still you keep on saying it. You keep on pressurising me. But you don't know i have been tortured in this way before. they hurt me far more than you will ever be able to but still I never gave in. But I am never going through that again. so you have given me the choice.You have help me decide. If to carry on means to do that. Then I choose to stop. Stop right now.

[amazingmumof6]

there are only ever 2 options. carry on or stop. I hope you carry on and that your life will improve. I don't think life is ever truly hopeless, even if it feels like that. I wish I could help you, but I can't coz you don't want my help. or anyone else's by the sound of it. I still wish you all the best

[NienorNiniel]

What is stopping me? I have tried everything i can think of. Nothing works. some makes it worse. I try to ask other people. No one understands. I can't make them understand. I try and try. Now that is a new problem. I can't fix that one either.

[amazingmumof6]

ouch, you are hurting so much, I'm glad you have a way of expressing it. good, keep going. sorry if I sounded threatening! I won't argue about beliefs as we so clearly disagree.
you say you want to fix your problems, get solutions - what's stopping you?

[NienorNiniel]

What do I want? I want to fix my problems. Why did I start this. Maybe to get solutions on how. Maybe to get told there is no solutions. It will never get fixed. Maybe cos I want people to know that my life is really bad right now. Even if no one is realising. At least I have said it. I don't want people telling me I am just depressed. It will go away by popping pills. It will go away by talking to a doctor or a counsellor. That stuff don't work for this problem. I don't want to get told its not that bad and that other people are the same or got a life much worse. I don't care about anyone else. Its not my problem. You are right I don't want your prayers. I hate all christians and their manipulative ways. I hate that you say "there's nothing you can do about it, you can't stop me from wishing you the best from far away!!" To me that wording is a threat. To me that is saying you can take away my power to choose and have control of me. That is the worst thing to make me angry. But your prayer can't hurt me. They are not real. Your god is not real. There is no immortal men living in the sky. Don't look up and out to find the immortals. They are down and inwards. That is where they have always been. That is fact. Human bodies die and rot and decay. Same as every other thing on this planet. No made up stories will change that.

[amazingmumof6]

You are right, no one knows what it is to be like you and living your life, but even though I feel I can relate to you it seems to me that right now you are not wanting to be helped or even get sympathy, so why did you start this then? what do you want?
I'm not sure what to say coz whatever's been said seems to trigger you into being defensive even more - I think you are angry and depressed and just not ready to change your life.
I guess if I say it's ok to feel that way, it happens, you just have to accept that right now it's a mess and grieve over it, you won't like that either. but it's ok, you are allowed to just hate everything! hate me if you like, I don't care!
I'm a Christian and I will pray for you that you can calm down and get help, when you are ready.
I will pray that you can sort things out and find a better balance or acceptance or whatever you need and there's nothing you can do about it, you can't stop me from wishing you the best from far away!!
And I wish I could be there and tidy up your room and cook for you and let you rest and take care of you kids for a bit, but I can't be there (I guess you'd probably shove your door in my face anyway..) so I will pray for you.

[NienorNiniel]

No you don't understand. My life is nothing like yours. It is like no one elses. No one knows because they don't live it. I don't tell them. They don't see it. It is all lies. Even I don't know what is true anymore. It is all such a mess. I hate it so much.

[amazingmumof6]

welcome to my world! I don't hate my life (sorry) but most of what you are saying is how I feel/live. I just don't seem to get back on top of things. Every time I try and make one thing slightly better soon something else falls apart.

Last night I was quite proud of myself because after 6 months of utter chaos in our bedroom I managed to tidy up a bit of the heaps of clothes. thought I might get some toys sorted today.what a fool! Woke up with throbbing headache, screamed at my 2nd son, then felt worse, cried most of the day, did virtually nothing, forgot to put toddler in bed for day time nap,ate a load of rubbish food which made me feel worse and fatter, then my washing machine decide to brake down in the afternoon. As I was trying to fix it (water everywhere) and make coffee for grandma who came over to help with kids' homework and put dishwasher on and find a phone that's not run out of battery to call for a plumber and think about dinner (ended up giving cereal to kids, again) and calm crying baby and whatever...yes, in the middle of this my 2 year old stuck something up his nose. couldn't tell me what it was and I couldn't see. used lego battery operated light as torch and saw a dark yellow, plastic looking blob.great!
I started planning in my head all the things that I had to in order to just leave the house and take him to A&E and it made me feel ill! I'd already had a throbbing headache all day... so I bent the tip of a quilting pin and armed with this and tiny torch I took a deep breath and went for it. I pulled out a thick chunk of orange skin. I was concentrating really hard not to hurt him, thinking "I shouldn't be doing this ". I had to do it, no way I could wait for hours in the hospital to be seen..I'm exhausted. Every single day I'm in survival mode. It's just so hard, but when chaos becomes a way of life you do feel overwhelmed.
A friend sorted the clothes, so football kit is ready for tomorrow, but still I have heaps more to do. When? How? I feel like I'm constantly on red alert as the next disaster/drama is just waiting to happen...It's too much.

I hate the chaos, that nothing's ever done/ready/fixed/on time. I hate not having the time/energy to sort & organize stuff, so then I could be patient and strong and healthy and enjoy time spent with hubby & kids. I try to ignore the mess, the lack of calm &peace, but it hurts so much to feel as an incapable, useless, disorganized, emotional wreck. did I mention fat?
so no advice from me, just complaints and feeling sorry for myself. My way of saying I understand you, if that's any help..

[amillionyears]

I wonder that too NienorNiniel.
I am not in that position, but I always wonder.

My personal stance, and I may get flamed for it is, it can be too much for a person on their own to cope with. And to my mind, I do not mind if that person gives up work and goes on benefits.
A person, especially in a rich country, can have benefits as far as I am concerned. I think it is a good way for tax money to be spent.

Are you claiming all the money you are entitled to?

I know that not working can lead to other problems, but perhaps that may be better for you than what you and your girls currently have?

[NienorNiniel]

No. I have a day off today. But it is not a day off. I still have 5 reports to write. If I do that work my house won't get cleaned. If I clean the house the reports won't get written. i can't do both. Then at 3pm the children come home. Then I can do neither. It is too much for me. How do other people do all this work?

[amillionyears]

Is there soemone you trust who can look after your 2 children for a while so you can get a well earned break?

[NienorNiniel]

I don't have special needs. I posted in this section cos all my life I have been told I have mental health problems. I don't even believe most of it. I am mad sometimes. I don't deal with stress very well. My brain isn't like other people. They probably dropped me on my head as a baby. I am not sick. I'm not going to get cured. This is how I always have been. Nothing is going to change it. I hate it so much.

[amillionyears]

The people who post on special needs seem to be a very helpful bunch.
They are clued up on which services are available to people in your position.
You could put a post in there with a link to here.

Glad you are still on MN and talking to us.

[NienorNiniel]

So now people are saying not to do that. Well I didn't yet anyway. They get dinners at school. Today we all get home late so too tired for arguments. Just giving them dinner now. Then homework then bedtime. Taking time off isn't something I can do right now. I am on my last chance already. I would love to have 2 weeks all by myself though. Maybe then I could start sorting some of the problems out. But I know it would all go wrong again after. Mainly I would just like it for a break. For peace and quiet and not having to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I haven't has that for a very long time.