Need to snap out of this - can't stop crying

[mummytosteven]

I feel like I'm being pulled too tightly on too many fronts. My DH is a bit unhappy with me because of my low sex drive, my mum constantly pesters me over DS development, we're skint but I just don't know what to do about going back to work (my career was too stressful, drove me round the bend)but don't know what to do next. The last straw was now my best friend is really pissed off with me, and reckons I've upset her mum as well - we stayed with her over Xmas (she had a baby very recently) and it didn't go very well - too much stress, I think I relaxed too much, didn't clamp down on clutter and DS enough.

I just feel that this with my friend is the last straw - I don't know why I feel that criticism from her is so hard to deal with but I do.

helps/kicks please

i'm sorry for whingeing so much, I'm not normally needy like this

[fisil]

no MTS, you need to talk about it. "Snap out of it" is other people talking to you. Deep down you know that you have a right to feel like this and that these are real feelings. Listen to your voice and not to what other people are telling you.

//[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

now really need to get off to this party

[mummytosteven]

thanks and don't worry fisil - think I'm more wallowing now than anything else - just need to grow up and take a bit of guilt on the chin.

[fisil]

MTS, I am soooo sorry that I didn't see this earlier. You were my saviour this time last year when I was feeling like you are now. I'm just rushing out with the dss to a party so I haven't read through properly, but I'll come back later and try to say the type of wonderful stuff that you said to me (although I know I won't be as good as you were - but I certainly owe it to you to try!)

[mummytosteven]

sigh. think it's my week for alienating friends - have now managed to give FA plus her DH plus her DS the tummy bug from hell. hopefully a bribe of Thornton's chocolates will sort that out. and just yelled at DS for being whingey (told him to "just eat the bloody banana" .

give me a kick someone please, I just need to get a grip.

[fastasleep]

Aww poo I thought for a second there I might be able to have my ultimate twin fantasy going on

You don't need to try to please everyone, I think you're great as you are! Everyone has phases of going through crap, I've had a few months/years as a younger (lol) teenager when I thought I was completely and utterly barmy... and everyone makes mistakes and say things they shouldn't... it would be good if certain people would apologise for saying things they shouldn't though!

[mummytosteven]

thanks very much for the hugs MumofMonsters. I feel a bit of a fraud almost; I normally just plod along with things. It's strange how you think you're ok, but then something seemingly small can make you feel crappy...

[MerlinsBeard]

or even a hug!

[MerlinsBeard]

(((((((MTS)))))))))

I had no idea u felt this, u were so supportive to me last night too.

No words, (sorry), just a hig xx

[mummytosteven]

Thanks very much for the offer, FA. I don't think that DH (and possibly friend....) are necessarily the ogres I am making out, and DH is mostly pretty supportive. I do dwell a lot on criticism and am a congenital "people-pleaser"- I'll remember the one adverse comment rather than all the nice comments.... Bit of self-analysis going on here - maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself here, am focussing too much on negatives.

The odd thing with the friend is that she has been through depression herself. You may remember many moons ago WWB, me posting about being annoyed with same friend re:OCD joke soap!!!!! I feel that yes I may have been difficult to be around, but that it is more appropriate for her to seek support from her DH or other friends if this is still an issue, rather than from me.

[WigWamBam]

It sounds to me as if this is not a positive friendship for you at all, and you might benefit more from not seeing her than from continuing with the friendship. It doesn't sound as if she's been supportive of you, or even has any understanding of what you've been through, beyond how she feels it has affected her.

[fastasleep]

If you ever want someone to take Steven for a while for you if you're going out/away or just want a night in to sort that DH problem I'm sure a night or two in this pit of..skank.. wouldn't kill Steven.... I could buy yoghurt

I can't believe your friend hasn't apologised to you for her drunken comments; I'd be really upset about that

I hope you both sort it out still, sorry I'm not the best heart to hearter and we always end up babbling on about nappies or something else deep and meaningful!

[mummytosteven]

Thanks everyone. Phoned friend and mildly apologised so things resolved. Am getting her mother an Oxfam goat to try and keep the peace, though I do think that blaming me for her mum feeling stressed is a bit tenuous!!! Her mum is quite left wing so wouldn't see Oxfam pressie as an insult! I think the problem is that I feel a bit uneasy in the friendship as I feel I am being held to account where she wasn't. She said the day after the drunken conversation, oh, maybe I shouldn't have said that, as I think it upset your DH . Still having children does change your friendships, so maybe we will just grow apart naturally. My friend has been extremely helpful with childcare etc with DS in the past; she does have a very generous side, but can also have quite a nasty tongue if feeling threatened.

The sex drive thing is actually probably the easiest issue to sort out - once I get off the computer and be arsed to, I'm okay with idea, and being on the Pill and Prozac and having a toddler, DH is just going to have to accept that I'm not going to be in the mood for swinging on the chandeliers!!!

[ShadowOfFormerSelf]

MTS, sorry, I didn't see this earlier.

I agree with fastasleep really.

(FWIW as I know I should probably be getting my own house in order ATM) What your friend said was horrendous and really does need apologising for! Whatever the reason (midst of row, clutter, drink, whatever) there is no excuse for saying something so horrid and unesessary. (i.e.My sister and I have had some fantastic rows but have not ever sunk that low and we really are quite rabid when we get going!)

With your mum, laying boundaries and sticking to them might be the only way. It might be an eternal battle but she might get the message. For your part, don't take on that which you know to be untrue, let it wash over you as you know that his developmental rate is absolutely unrelated to the amount he is loved and adored and this really is all that matters.

I can't comment on your DH and his issues (see, there I go!) with your low sex drive. I think some compassion for the pressure you are currently under is called for (I'll shut up, it's not a subject where I can often see reason, at present!). Maybe a good heart to heart would help?

Thinking of you xx

[fastasleep]

Aww MTS I have biscuits, mince pies, malt loaf (strange post natal craving that!) and oh...satsumas (lol attempt at healthyness) and two boxes of choccies waiting for your arrival!

I don't think it was very fair of your friend to say those things about your OCD and terminating Steven, she should be the one apologising, even if it was her hormones etc it was still her... so you made a mess and flopped on the sofa, so what?!

I found the answer to the mum problem - move 250 miles away, worked for me, she only comes every now and then! ... Ok so she calls every 5 seconds, I haven't worked out the answer for that one yet! I think it's amazing that you haven't turned around and yelled at your mum for saying such delusional and down right mean things about you and Steven... I would have probably slapped her by now

And your DH can just shut up can't he!!! Graarrr!

[WigWamBam]

It's hard to be assertive with our mothers at the best of times, isn't it. Does she ring to tell you she's coming, or just turn up - if she rings, maybe you could just say, "Oh, sorry Mum, we're up to our eyes today, can we make it another weekend instead?" It might be less confrontational than having to ring her and ask her not to come.

Maybe if you can't speak to your friend on the phone today you could write her a letter - maybe just saying what you need to say will make you feel a bit better, even if she won't have heard it yet.

I hope you get to speak to her soon - I'm sure everything will be OK.

[mummytosteven]

need to think about how to be more assertive with my mum. she likes to come over at the weekend for the day, and DH I think would prefer it if it wasn't every weekend. Another example of feeling torn, sigh.

tried to phone my friend just now to make the grovelling apology. She didn't pick up - hope it's coz she is too busy, rather than too annoyed to talk to me

also hope that she doesn't see this thread, as she knows I post on MN

[WigWamBam]

Is he due a development check soon? Maybe she could go along to that with you, if it's anything like dd's last one, it was with a dozen other children so your mother wouldn't get the chance to slag you off to the HV. He really is coming along fine, you know he is ... they don't all do things to order, there's so much variation in the times that they hit these milestones. Plus your mother is probably looking back at when you were a baby, and her memory isn't what it ought to be - maybe you should remind her that it's been a long time since you were Steven's age, and that she can't rely on her memory to remember every little milestone.

Can you tell her how it's making you feel? Maybe tell her that if she doesn't back off you'll have to see her less because it's too wearing to have to listen to?

[biglips]

oops! pressed the button twice and yes its true what nemo had just said that your DS had got a gorgeous smile!

say hello to Fastasleep for me too XX

[mummytosteven]

WWB that thought has occurred to me but it could backfire as knowing my mum she would probably tell HV I let him watch too much telly/don't talk to him enough/computer too much so I don't want to risk having HV on my back again! Also still don't know who my new one is, and whether they are nice or nasty.

I don't think it's the time of year, Fennel. I get grumpy when it starts to go dark and cold, early November, but not after Xmas. I was brought up Jewish so Xmas has never been a big thing.

[biglips]

MTS - hope youre ok? as i think its normal that everyone is skint at this time of the the year with Xmas had gone (as im very skint)

have a chat with your mum and tell her the honest truth of how you feel with her nagging at you about your DS's developement as all babies learn at different stages, as my friends DD who is 5 weeks younger than my DD started walking at 10 months, mine only just started to sit up at 10 mths, my other friend who got twins who are 1 and is 2 mths younger than my DD cant walk or babble yet where my DD was running all around the place at the age of 1 so all babies are different.

Sex drive - mine is all over the place so its normal - ask anyone!

and your friend - yes call her and have a talk to get it off your chest!

[biglips]

MTS - hope youre ok? as i think its normal that everyone is skint at this time of the the year with Xmas had gone (as im very skint)

have a chat with your mum and tell her the honest truth of how you feel with her nagging at you about your DS's developement as all babies learn at different stages, as my friends DD who is 5 weeks younger than my DD started walking at 10 months, mine only just started to sit up at 10 mths, my other friend who got twins who are 1 and is 2 mths younger than my DD cant walk or babble yet where my DD was running all around the place at the age of 1 so all babies are different.

Sex drive - mine is all over the place so its normal - ask anyone!

and your friend - yes call her and have a talk to get it off your chest!

[Nemo1977]

MTS sorry you are feeling so crap.
In terms of S development there is nothing wrong with him and you know that. Plus your mum can sometimes be like mine so take the criticism with a pinch of salt...easier said than done I know.

About your friend it was a bit out of order for her to say the things she did regardless of how your pregnancy affected you it is done and gone and you now have a gorgeous smiley little boy and no one can take that away from you.

Re sex drive as WWB said[very wise lady] if it is a problem to you then see gp but if not then do whatever you feel comfortable with. Talk to dh about how pressure will not help you to feel more passionate etc.

you know where I am if you need a chat...when darn msn will let me sign in..lol

[WigWamBam]

Do you think that taking your mother to see your HV would be any use ... I know you don't really "do" HVs but it might be worth it as a means to an end, particularly if you can tip the HV off that your mother is critical and concerned about his development?

[mummytosteven]

believe me I've tried with my mum Natmeister. Last time I suggested she get a book herself, she told me that she was too scared to look at any development books in case it worrie her more!! DS has probably hit milestones on the late side of normal so I think WTE books would not be a good idea!

[natmeistergeneral]

maybe you could ask your mum to lighten up a little and help you rather than nag you- after all she must remember how stressful parenting can be!sure your friend will come round too-new babies and xmas together is defo not a recipe for a relaxing occasion!All the best really hope things pick up soon.