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Ethical dilemmas

Child support leaving us struggling

33 replies

Throwawayaccount38290 · 02/12/2019 08:08

It's the middle of the night and I'm overthinking myself into a pit while idiothead sleeps in the next room.

Me and my man have been together 3 years. He works full time in management and I work part time. We can afford to survive, but not quite to live. We don't have enough money for dates and things as debts/etx take a big chunk of his cash, I don't mind. I don't need to be taken out all of the time, even though it would be nice.

What I am worried about is what will happen when we have children. We have been discussing it for a while, but he has brushed it off with "We can't afford it and I already have a kid" but I don't. He's known from the beginning that I want children, and is only pushing back now.

He pays out literally half of his wages to his now married ex girlfriend, who works full time as well as her husband, for his preteen daughter, leaving us with just enough to get by. Is it awful of me to get almost jealous and feel like our child would end up suffering because he sends all his money to his ex for his first child? I know that child support is necessary and I would be more upset if he didn't pay at all, but it's hardly fair that when we have children they'd go without because of his ex?

Feeling like the evil stepmother at this point, but I'm so tired of scrimping. Maybe it's the wait to take a pregnancy test getting to me and rotting my brain aha.

OP posts:

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FinallyHere · 02/12/2019 10:34

Why do you only work part time?

What do you do with the extra time you have available compared to the rest of us?

Moomin8 · 02/12/2019 10:25

He won't have to pay as much if you have children of your own. Obviously his existing children were here first and they should be the priority right now.

It sounds like you'd be better off with someone who doesn't already have commitments tbh.

sunglasses123 · 02/12/2019 10:20

Children in poverty is very topical at present. Please dont bring children into this world without being very sure that you can afford them. I am going to sound very harsh but it shouldnt be the government's role to support you when you make daft decisions. This man doesnt seem to want children and could well leave if you get pregnant accidently on purpose.

G5000 · 02/12/2019 10:18

So he has 'pushed back', said you can't afford them and he already has one, but you're taking pregnancy test? Does he know?

sunglasses123 · 02/12/2019 10:15

I agree with others. Why are you working part time and complaining about the lack of money. Why are you looking at taking a pregnancy test. I hope you arent looking to get pregnant 'by accident'.

You see this more and more with women especially moaning about an ex in their new partners life and hor horrible they are and how its all very unfair. I was very clear before I got married (with myself!) that I would rather stay single then take on someone else's children and consequently we have had a good life, I work full time so does DH, we have no maintenance to pay from previous relationships yet some people will comment how lucky we are. It isnt always to do with luck - its making sensible decisions.

IHateBlueLights · 02/12/2019 10:11

I think you need to check that the amount he is paying is correct if it leaves you as hard up as you say. If you have children it will go down.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 02/12/2019 10:10

Don't have children if you're barely scraping by. It's not fair on you or them to willingly bring another person into a situation where there's potential poverty (and if you can't afford to go on dates now, that's where you're headed, what with all the costs a baby brings...)

KatharinaRosalie · 02/12/2019 10:03

What I am worried about is what will happen when we have children

Hmm according to your post, he is actually not planning to have any children with you. I think you need to sort that question out first.

anothernamejeeves · 02/12/2019 09:59

I am sick to death of women choosing a partner with children then moaning about them doing right by their kids. Grow up and work more if you want your own

AlexaShutUp · 02/12/2019 09:29

As others have said, why do you only work part time? Surely the solution is to increase your own earnings rather than to expect your DH to cut down on maintenance for his child.

Also, if you desperately want a child and he doesn't, is this relationship actually sustainable? Is it just about finances for him, or is that just an excuse because he doesn't want another child anyway?

Marinetta · 02/12/2019 09:24

I understand where you're coming from but I feel that your partner is being very sensible about this. You have to think about the child you have before you think about the children you would like to have. It wouldn't be fair for your partner's child to suffer because he decided to have another child that he can't really afford. My partner and I would love to have another child but realistically its something we can't afford so its not going to happen. Its just the way it is.
If you are serious about having a child, you need to get yourselves in a better financial position or you need to move on and find someone else to have a child with.

Alittleprivacyplease · 02/12/2019 09:19

but it's hardly fair that when we have children they'd go without because of his ex?

Eh? You mean because of his existing child surely, the one he's morally and legally obliged to provide for. The only reason any future children would go without is 2 people choosing to have more children they can't afford in the first place.

And I highly doubt he's paying 50% of his salary in child support. Either he's lying or you are.

Thesearmsofmine · 02/12/2019 09:11

It bites that we have to pay her money we very much need, that she doesn't.

Your partner is not paying her money, he is supporting his children.

Hwory · 02/12/2019 09:01

‘My man’ 🤮🤮🤮🤮

If you want more money go out and work for it.

The hyperbolic shift from half to ‘all his money’ makes me think it’s just CSA standard.

Doingitaloneandproud · 02/12/2019 08:56

Surely you need to get a full time job?

NeverTwerkNaked · 02/12/2019 08:51

Basic child maintenance for one child isn't half a salary, so something else must be going on here? Are the debts actually the main drain?

NeverTwerkNaked · 02/12/2019 08:50

Why do you only work part time?

doublebarrellednurse · 02/12/2019 08:48

It bites that we have to pay her money we very much need, that she doesn't.

It's not for her it's for the child. The one your partner is half responsible for.

I don't need maintenance payments and my ex pays the bare minimum but it means my son gets the extras that he wants and has a savings account which will help him in his later years.

Or look at it this way...I do all the hard work. All the school meetings, battles about homework and dinner and going out and curfews and shitty hormones and fall outs with friends and girls. He sends some money once a month.

doublebarrellednurse · 02/12/2019 08:43

So you want your DP to be a deadbeat so you can have a nicer lifestyle? Nice.

Get a full time job or another part time one or if you can't then claim relevant benefits that are available for those who CANT work to top you up.

Sort your debt so it's more manageable (this is not his child's problem so should not be a factor in how much money is paid to her).

Understand that what your partner is saying is true. Kids are expensive. He knows this from experience. Especially if you're starting from scratch.

Lessthanzero · 02/12/2019 08:40

He is financially responsible for his daughter, her stepfather isn't.

Actually according to csa her stepfather is. His csa payments would go down for any non resident children because he's supporting his stepdaughter.

I feel for you op. My dh ex is rolling in it. We are struggling because of some big life changes. It bites that we have to pay her money we very much need, that she doesn't. But that's life. You need to budget around the payments because the rules aren't going to change anytime soon.

meditrina · 02/12/2019 08:34

CMS is the legal amount the Government would come after you for. It's not the cost of a DC, nor the amount that ought to be paid. Just the figure you do not go below.

Yes, you cannot afford a DC at the moment. What needs to change?

You need to clear your debt.
You need to increase your income, by increasing hours or finding a better paid job

Do you use any form of budgeting app?

Scrumptiousbears · 02/12/2019 08:31

There's quite a few issues here. Overall if you need more money you work more hours as you are currently only working part time. However I think you need to rethink having kids with this guy.

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GiveHerHellFromUs · 02/12/2019 08:28

Why don't you work full time if you don't have children?

MrsAgassi · 02/12/2019 08:27

Why does half his salary go to his ex? It is quite a high % to pay purely for child support?

Your desire for a child is understandable but his first responsibility has to be to support the child he already has.

stucknoue · 02/12/2019 08:24

Cms is a percentage of salary so it's not half for that. You also mention debts - that's your problem, work out a way to pay them off then consider kids. His child has to be paid for before to create new humans

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