Ex going on holiday with new girlfriend and our children

[lubyloo44]

Other woman and her child going on holiday with my ex and our children - only 6 months after starting to go out - im livid and upset - is he right to just tell me - not even ask? Especially when he had said they were taking it slow and he was going to go on holiday on his own with her which i was completely fine with - we are friends still and help each other out

[lubyloo44]

Branofthemist. You are totally right - it would be unreasonable for me to think he would need to only do things if I was OK about them.. wouldn't ever want that, would actually think that any potential girlfriend would be very unsettled with that, as I would if that was the case with my boyfriend and his ex partner! And yes will not say "the other woman" again - never have referred to his girlfriend as that before so must have been part of my rant at the time!!

[lubyloo44]

AlanPacino.. "ethical dilemma".. "internal conflicting moral values" ... didnt recognise those phrases from my posts.. so not sure what you mean. Not an ethical dilemma in my book nor anything to do with moral values. A decision that, because it includes the children and introducing new partners slowly - something we agree should be handled sensitively and because we have a good relationship and talk all the time (both have had relationships with others since we split) it was unlike him and although thats fine, things change it was a very big step to take. With the little steps before hand, i.e., days, weekends, visits out (they havent even done that yet).. as Mazzledazzle has posted

[lubyloo44]

228agreenend. I agree, but I know its not an exact science, but it is a timescale that is given in many books on how to separate and divorce "successfully" with children and I guess it makes sense. And just to reiterate, Batboobs.. I would never, even if it was my legal right which i really don't think it is, or should be.. stop him from holidaying with the girls, with or without his girlfriend. This was always about doing something too soon, based on what he had initially said he was going to do, what I felt was not a decision based solely on the best interest of the children, again based on the fact that she was a new girlfriend with whom they had had very little interaction with.

[lubyloo44]

Maybe no "right" - but that was never brought into it - but responsibility as mother of my children, and how things affect them - when they talk to me and bring things up - which is rarely thank goodness.. I do have a responsibility and so does their father if i was to behave like that. Im glad that he would care. Luckily neither he nor I seem to think that it would be Ok to introduce the children to different partners every month, week, or day..! Interesting name by the way..

[lubyloo44]

Doreen lethal. Wow! OK.. Not sure I would ever want to call anybody "a little unhinged" even if I thought I knew them very well! However, understand your comments might be more to do with your own experience with your OH as you put it "I saw my OH ripped apart by not seeing his daughter every day" - sounds awful for him and we are all human, feelings run deep and where children are involved, we want to try and get it right, and sometimes we don't. "and you get that as resident parent most days" - from people I have met sadly going through separation, every case is different but its great to be able to use a platform such as this to get constructive advice, maybe a little "telling off" where needs must but.. . "calm the fuck down will you" - impressive!.

[lubyloo44]

Waltermittythesequel - the children knew about me spending time and going off with my ex and his children (I was in a relationship for 2 years or so) and yes it was mixed emotions when, if they asked as kids do, what we had all done but we would try to be sensitive about it. But they were spending time with their father as well and so had got used to it and actually after a year or so we went on our first big holiday together and they loved it although of coursed missed their dad which was totally understandable. No wrong or right just slow, and time respectful.

[lubyloo44]

Dollybarton. I totally agree - relationships can get very serious within 3 months even especially if you see them more than every other weekend which is a lot of separated parents with children. However, in my opinion the fact relationships develop at different paces, does not mean that the children, depending on their age will be ready to meet the new partner any earlier than what actually is advised in many books about separating and divorce involving children and they do say minimum 6 months if its a totally new partner, someone they have never met before. Like I said before though, I can be unreasonably protective - not meaning to be intrusive at all and in this case, he did immediately say the next morning it was a "bad judgement call" - and ironically so had the girlfriend had wobbles about it being too soon. And that was before he and I had talked! All ok now - holiday still on and girls are getting to now her a little faster than planned. Fine by me.

[lubyloo44]

Sorry that previous post was replying to Chocolate Muppet. I don't know how this works arghhh!!.
So this reply is to Neonrainbow - thank you for your reply, and you're right shouldn't say other woman, sounds awful. His girlfriend and she is lovely, I have met her. But as in the reply I put to Chocolatemuppet, this was about what he had told me he was doing i.e., taking it slow going on holiday separately with her, going on family holiday with his entire family and the girls separately. I don't ask, don't need to or want to with regards his relationship, its his and Im very happy that he is happy, and secondly, I do not want to control what he does - was in a very controlling relationship myself and definitely NOT for me. This was always about talking through things regards the children, holidays, problems at school etc and introducing a new partner is tricky and always a sensitive issue and affects both of us because we both look after them and see them happy, sad, unsettled sometimes but luckily on the whole very balanced and chilled and we want to keep it this way..

[MazzleDazzle]

How much time have your kids spent with her/her child before?

If I was taking my kids on holiday with a new partner, I'd build up to it - odd afternoons together, a whole day together, a night away, a weekend...

If they haven't spent that much time together, then jumping into a holiday does seem a bit strange.

I can understand why you're miffed.

[Mrskeats]

How is she the other woman?
You may not like it but really I think you will have to put a brave face on

[lubyloo44]

Hi - thank you for that. Just to clarify the children were always having a holiday with him - I would never ever stop him - why would I, even now when I thought it was soon - he was going to go away with GF separately those were his words, not mine,during the many get togethers we have -again I never enquired, totally his business - it was never about telling him what to do with his new relationship - it was really about what he had, voluntarily told me he would do BECAUSE it was early days for him. And I agree with you, it was because of thinking about the interests of the children, rather than the parent, that it became an issue. No longer by the way.. we talked it all through. We are good friends so that helps, I'm sorry for all those who aren't, but we also have to work at it

[branofthemist]

I can see why your DC going away with her dad and his new girlfriend bothers you.

But I think you are being very unreasonable to think he should only do it if you are ok and you would be really unreasonable of you tried to stop him.

The fact that you refer to her as the other woman is not healthy and I suspect is also impacting how you feel.

[Batboobs]

I honestly think some women will never be happy about their partner moving on. Whether it be 6 months, or years. You have to give him some credit, and trust his judgement that he's not going to take his child on a holiday with a complete lunatic, and let go a bit.

At some point your ex is probably going to settle down, perhaps have more children, get married etc. It's time to accept these changes now you are no longer together. In the end it is only the child who misses out, if you put your foot down and prevent him from going. That said, you still have the right to refuse to let him go.

[AlanPacino]

*you're

[AlanPacino]

I don't see how this is an ethical dilemma? I get that your uncomfortable but don't understand it being about your internal conflicting moral values?

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

It's not another woman, it's his new girlfriend. I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

[DoreenLethal]

Other woman and her child going on holiday with my ex and our children

Come on now. If they have been together 6 months and you separated 3 years ago - don't accuse her of being the 'Other Woman'. Because you are not in a relationship now, so she is his girlfriend.

If that were me I'd think you were more than a little unhinged. I saw my OH ripped apart by not seeing his daughter every day and you get that as resident parent most days. So calm the fuck down will you.

[justbogoff]

She's not the OW and to paint her so is unfair.

They'very been together 6 months, they plan to go away with her child, I think it's lovely that he wants to take his as well.

If you don't let them go with a good heart then you will upset them. This will be a good experience for your kids and a relaxed atmosphere for them to get to know their fathers GF.

[Waltermittythesequel]

If he had just done what he said he was going to do and go on holiday with her and her son on his own, none of this angst and breakdown in our friendship would have occurred

So you'd rather your dc saw daddy taking another child on holiday and left them behind?

Because that would be the perception.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but the breakdown in your friendship is coming from you. He hasn't done anything wrong. He hasn't snuck them out of the country. He hasn't dumped them because he has a new girlfriend with a child.

As the dc get over, you're going to have to loosen the reigns a little. Because unless you think he will harm his dc in some way, this is only about you and your feelings. And that's no reasonable at all.

My worry is also that he is bound to be spending time with and paying attention to the girlfriend when normally he would be totally hands on with the children and they will feel it.

This is just unfair. Do you really think that he's bringing his dc, and she's bringing hers, so they can ignore the lot of them to play at being lovebirds??

[DollyBarton]

I think it's only an issue if the children are distressed about it. But I can totally understand your reaction. I'd be very upset too but objectively I think it's his decision to make about his relationship with GF. Some relationships are very serious at 6mths, some are more like friends. Sometimes adults make bad judgement calls and unfortunately you are seperated parents with your own lives which brings these kinds of issues with it.

Have you met the gf? If not, I think that might help you get some perspective and feel a bit better about it?

[neonrainbow]

So if you broke up 3 years ago and shes been around for 6 months she's not the ow is she?

You've got no right make a big deal of this. He is their father and just as capable of judging the appropriateness of her going with them. Actually more so because he knows her and you don't. How would you feel if he tried to be this controlling towards you?