My 95 year old mother had a fall at home on Saturday, I found her. She lives alone.....very independent, good health, no dementia, but she's fallen. She's currently in hospital being assessed.
I'm one of her three daughters. I live very close, see her around five times a week, do lots for her, spend quality time with her too & I know I'm massively jumping the gun but could they discharge her home without a care package if her mobility is likely to be a major issue? She's massively slowed down in recent months & now lacks confidence in getting around.
I've got a feeling my siblings will imply "as you're recently retired, could you stay with her at the start (including staying overnight) to help out, build up her confidence". I just don't want to go down that route, I think it would massively impact my mental as well as my physical health & would be impractical.
As I said, I'm over thinking things at the moment, I've been awake for the last two hours, its 5 am & in reality we'll all get together & realise its time for residential care.
What do I say to my siblings and their spouses to take myself out of this scenario of ending up moving in with her for (just) a few days?
Elderly parents
Help me through the coming weeks with my elderly mother.
Tolkienista · 11/03/2024 05:01
Chicca1970 · 11/03/2024 05:13
I’m afraid you will have to be brutal - I work in the Care System.
You make it very clear to the hospital that you are NOT available for 24hr care and that you are only able to see her a few times a week on certain days and times. You say your other siblings are NOT available. You say she is not to be discharged from hospital until an appropriate care package is in place. Also, contact SS and reiterate this - put everything in writing via email.
If they think the family will unconditionally support, services will do NOTHING and you will find yourself in an impossible situation and there will be safeguarding concerns for your Mum.
Be hard as nails OP.
Chicca1970 · 11/03/2024 05:13
I’m afraid you will have to be brutal - I work in the Care System.
You make it very clear to the hospital that you are NOT available for 24hr care and that you are only able to see her a few times a week on certain days and times. You say your other siblings are NOT available. You say she is not to be discharged from hospital until an appropriate care package is in place. Also, contact SS and reiterate this - put everything in writing via email.
If they think the family will unconditionally support, services will do NOTHING and you will find yourself in an impossible situation and there will be safeguarding concerns for your Mum.
Be hard as nails OP.
Sparklywolf · 11/03/2024 06:55
What does your Mum want to do?
If she wants to stay at home there are discharge to assess teams that can put in a short term package of care to assess her at home. Either she will be OK remaining fully independent or they can help transition her to receiving domiciliary care. They can also sort out equipment and adaptations to make her safer.
I understand its a worrying time for you, but you might be jumping the gun somewhat going straight to she needs a care home. There's lots of options before that, none of which have to involve you being primary carer against your will.
If your siblings feel it's necessary suggest they chip in to pay for a live in carer for a few weeks. Reframe every suggestion away from you doing something to If we feel this is needed how do we put it in place with professionals.
The Hospital Social Work team should get involved when she is close to fit to be discharged. Discuss it all with them, but be clear what you can/can't offer. Ultimately though, your Mum has full mental capacity so it's her choice.
Sunnnybunny72 · 11/03/2024 07:01
Be realistic. If you see her around five times a week and do lots for her, she's not really 'very independant' is she? Regardless of age. Quite the opposite.
Time to step away and let the hospital know you are facing carer breakdown and will be doing nothing more. No shopping, cleaning etc. Be also very aware that your DM may likely refuse carers (many don't want to pay) and will tell staff her DD will look after her. They may take her at face value for a quick.discharge.
Agree with pp and be hard as nails. Think long term. This is unsustainable and unfair.
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/03/2024 11:24
Yes, @Sparklywolf , but unfortunately what some elderly people who are in urgent need of care do want, is family doing it all, which may well mean giving up their jobs and moving in.
What they often don’t want is any strangers coming in - and/or having to pay for it.
This is where, all too often, it gets very difficult.
If possible, you need to be present at any interview between your mother and a social worker as regards post-hospital care. I’m afraid it’s all too common for the patient to tell the SW that they don’t need any care, thank you - their daughter will do what’s needed. And naturally enough, SWs are only too happy to accept this.
MereDintofPandiculation · 11/03/2024 11:58
To be fair, OP says she spends quality time with her mum. Maybe you are being over-defensive on her behalf
Sunnnybunny72 · 11/03/2024 07:01
Be realistic. If you see her around five times a week and do lots for her, she's not really 'very independant' is she? Regardless of age. Quite the opposite.
Time to step away and let the hospital know you are facing carer breakdown and will be doing nothing more. No shopping, cleaning etc. Be also very aware that your DM may likely refuse carers (many don't want to pay) and will tell staff her DD will look after her. They may take her at face value for a quick.discharge.
Agree with pp and be hard as nails. Think long term. This is unsustainable and unfair.
Chicca1970 · 11/03/2024 05:13
I’m afraid you will have to be brutal - I work in the Care System.
You make it very clear to the hospital that you are NOT available for 24hr care and that you are only able to see her a few times a week on certain days and times. You say your other siblings are NOT available. You say she is not to be discharged from hospital until an appropriate care package is in place. Also, contact SS and reiterate this - put everything in writing via email.
If they think the family will unconditionally support, services will do NOTHING and you will find yourself in an impossible situation and there will be safeguarding concerns for your Mum.
Be hard as nails OP.
Tolkienista · 11/03/2024 20:51
@MereDintofPandiculation Yes that's it....... "quality time." It's never ever felt like a duty or an inconvenience, as it's benefitted me as much as her.
However, since her fall only a couple of days ago, everything has changed. Can't get my head round how quickly it's happened.
Only five days ago we went on a forty minute walk.
The future is very scary.
MereDintofPandiculation · 11/03/2024 11:58
To be fair, OP says she spends quality time with her mum. Maybe you are being over-defensive on her behalf
Sunnnybunny72 · 11/03/2024 07:01
Be realistic. If you see her around five times a week and do lots for her, she's not really 'very independant' is she? Regardless of age. Quite the opposite.
Time to step away and let the hospital know you are facing carer breakdown and will be doing nothing more. No shopping, cleaning etc. Be also very aware that your DM may likely refuse carers (many don't want to pay) and will tell staff her DD will look after her. They may take her at face value for a quick.discharge.
Agree with pp and be hard as nails. Think long term. This is unsustainable and unfair.
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MereDintofPandiculation · 11/03/2024 23:45
Feeling very down and deflated at the moment, this is all completely new to me, already feel we're getting it wrong. You've been a wonderful daughter so far.
Get on to social services tomorrow, make it clear that you are not there offering care and she needs care. They're overstretched, they work from crisis to crisis. They need to understand that your Mum is a crisis.
Meanwhile, get some sleep. Everything feels better in the morning.
thesandwich · 11/03/2024 21:16
Hang on in there, your dm sounds strong. Push for that assessment. Talk to everyone about risk of readmission to prompt action. Is there a local falls team? The6 can help with physio, equipment etc.
loads of experience on here- ask away.
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