Finding mum very wearing

[Tiredandannoyed2023]

My mum is widowed and lives fairly locally. She is still active and able to live independently, with a reasonably good social life. I’m increasingly finding her company very wearing. She is almost always negative and I have noticed a pattern where her extreme low moods coincide with the odd days where dh and I are off together, so I usually end up feeling guilty. We try to include her in things but she quite often refuses to join us. On the occasions when she does join us conversation is difficult with lots of yes and no answers to questions. She is quite judgemental and disapproving at times too.

This is a pointless post really as I know she won’t change. I know I’m not responsible for her happiness but it’s hard when she only really has me as family support.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

Would she join something locally so she had other people to meet up with? Mine joined a bereavement group (run by local hospice) and then those people carried on meeting up once the official group had ended.

Now's the optimum time when she's still fit and well enough to get out and form those relationships. Otherwise you run the risk of her developing dependence on you. Plus I think it helped the grief process to meet with other people who'd been through the same thing? It's normal for them to feel a bit lost and down and grief isn't a linear process, but it shouldn't stop you being able to do the things you enjoy.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

Mine is also judgmental, disapproving and tends to the negative. I contradict anything that's blatantly untrue, pretend to listen to the moaning (it's often on the phone which makes it easier - I can do something else at the same time!) and encourage her to talk to her friends. Mine likes to present one version of herself to friends and the moaning negative version to me!

And I limit what I tell mine about what we're doing, so she mostly has no idea if I've taken the day off to spend time with DH - I've cultivated the idea of it being very difficult to book leave from work! I don't lie, I just don't tell her stuff.

[CadyEastman]

@EmotionalBlackmail

Mine is also judgmental, disapproving and tends to the negative. I contradict anything that's blatantly untrue, pretend to listen to the moaning (it's often on the phone which makes it easier - I can do something else at the same time!) and encourage her to talk to her friends. Mine likes to present one version of herself to friends and the moaning negative version to me!

And I limit what I tell mine about what we're doing, so she mostly has no idea if I've taken the day off to spend time with DH - I've cultivated the idea of it being very difficult to book leave from work! I don't lie, I just don't tell her stuff.

Sorry @EmotionalBlackmail are we twins? The description of my "D"M fits perfectly and thus is exactly how I deal with her too.

And we never, ever, ever tell her if we're going away as teat always seeks to induce some sort of crisis.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

Oh dear, not another one of us too!

Yes, I never tell mine we're going away, she either has a crisis or tries to organise it so that we have to go and visit her on the way there or back even if it's out of our way.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

The ridiculous thing with mine is that she sees far more people socially than I do! She can't seem to grasp that but I'm either working or looking after my child so I see friends very occasionally. Whereas she sees different people every day!!

[Tiredandannoyed2023]

@EmotionalBlackmail

Would she join something locally so she had other people to meet up with? Mine joined a bereavement group (run by local hospice) and then those people carried on meeting up once the official group had ended.

Now's the optimum time when she's still fit and well enough to get out and form those relationships. Otherwise you run the risk of her developing dependence on you. Plus I think it helped the grief process to meet with other people who'd been through the same thing? It's normal for them to feel a bit lost and down and grief isn't a linear process, but it shouldn't stop you being able to do the things you enjoy.

She did join a bereavement group at the local hospice and has friends from there who she is still in contact with, plus she had existing friends. I don’t think there’s an issue with her having friends but it’s the closer family support she lacks, other than me.

I probably need to stop telling her so much. I do try to reduce what I tell her about the children as she’s over invested, and is disapproving about them and their occasional minor misdemeanours!!

[Tiredandannoyed2023]

My issue is that I’m surrounded by people all day every day at work, often in emotionally challenging situations, so I relish the luxury of an empty quiet house!! It’s not as though I’m out all of the time on my days off. It’s more likely that I’m doing stuff at home and taking advantage of the peace and a bit of head space.

[mdinbc]

I'm a gran, and I agree you don't need to tell her everything. I did the same with my own MIL. If one of the kids was in trouble at school, etc then she didn't need to hear about it. The kids didn't need a lecture from her as well as us!

Try to have a heart-to-heart and let her know she is being negative. She probably doesn't mean to be.

[Daffodilgill]

She has a good social life. And even if she didn't, you don't need to include her in your days off with DH.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

Why do you feel the need to include her quite so much if she lives independently and has a good social life?

Just, don’t.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

Crikey, now you're my twin! I hate having my days off organised for me when I just want quiet time alone in the house getting on with some things!

Honestly, she sounds like she has plenty of support around and needs to reach out to them more. Don't get guilt tripped into being 'family support'.

[Lemsipper]

Pls don’t include her on your days off with ur husband, poor man!! She sounds like such a downer

[Tiredandannoyed2023]

Thank you all. It’s good to know that I’m not being unreasonable. She was here for lunch yesterday but was trying to offer advice to my daughter on some teen dramas at school, looking fed up at the football on the TV and commenting on the house. I did challenge her and she stopped.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

I'm sure the unasked for advice is them still trying to feel relevant and involved. Mine majors on really awful parenting advice which I refuse to follow! Or advice about home renovations based on something inaccurate she read in the paper or what her neighbour's daughter's friend thought about it. Which I ignore.

[Tiredandannoyed2023]

@EmotionalBlackmail

I'm sure the unasked for advice is them still trying to feel relevant and involved. Mine majors on really awful parenting advice which I refuse to follow! Or advice about home renovations based on something inaccurate she read in the paper or what her neighbour's daughter's friend thought about it. Which I ignore.

I’m sure it is her wanting to feel involved but she’s so out of touch. She thinks the internet is the root of all evil. I’m well aware of the risks and dangers online but it’s a part of our life. We can’t take a step back to life without technology.

[winesolveseverything]

@EmotionalBlackmail

Mine is also judgmental, disapproving and tends to the negative. I contradict anything that's blatantly untrue, pretend to listen to the moaning (it's often on the phone which makes it easier - I can do something else at the same time!) and encourage her to talk to her friends. Mine likes to present one version of herself to friends and the moaning negative version to me!

And I limit what I tell mine about what we're doing, so she mostly has no idea if I've taken the day off to spend time with DH - I've cultivated the idea of it being very difficult to book leave from work! I don't lie, I just don't tell her stuff.

Just joining in solidarity as you have just described my mother as well.
Fit, active, driving, independent, very busy social life.... but oh so negative.

I have a very limited relationship with her now as it has worn me down so much.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

Mine likes to rant and rave about the dangers of social media and how evil it is!

She's never used it and has almost no idea what it actually is or what it involves. She hates that some of her friends use things like Facebook and are friends with me and so find out things we've been doing that she hasn't told them about.

Some of it is about control - she wants to control the narrative. It also means she can't twist things as much or set people off against each other as we're in contact independently of her.

[CadyEastman]

Some of it is about control - she wants to control the narrative. It also means she can't twist things as much or set people off against each other as we're in contact independently of her

If my Mum hates anything more than anything else, it's this. Yes it's very hard to control the narrative if you talk to one another without her there isn't it?

[Tiredandannoyed2023]

I’m off tomorrow and after speaking to her earlier noted that she sounded miserable. I made the mistake of asking what was wrong and she said she felt “fed up” as she hadn’t been out for a few days. I have loads to do tomorrow so I really need a day at home to take control of my house and the mountains of ironing etc. but I feel guilty. It’s so tough!!!

[CadyEastman]

@Tiredandannoyed2023

I’m off tomorrow and after speaking to her earlier noted that she sounded miserable. I made the mistake of asking what was wrong and she said she felt “fed up” as she hadn’t been out for a few days. I have loads to do tomorrow so I really need a day at home to take control of my house and the mountains of ironing etc. but I feel guilty. It’s so tough!!!

Have you agreed to go and see her?

If not, I wouldn't. She needs to build a routine and Socisl life for herself and not rely on you so much. I would get your things done and maybe give her a call tomorrow night and ask her how her day went.

[Tiredandannoyed2023]

@CadyEastman

Have you agreed to go and see her?

If not, I wouldn't. She needs to build a routine and Socisl life for herself and not rely on you so much. I would get your things done and maybe give her a call tomorrow night and ask her how her day went.

I haven’t agreed to go and see her. I really don’t feel I have the time or the energy to go there. I’m not feeling 100% so that is a good reason not to go. It shouldn’t feel like this.

[CadyEastman]

Don't forget that your DM has probably trained you over a long period of time to feel guilty and to do what she wants you to do. You are going to have some feelings of guilt as you start to realise that you don't have to do everything she asks.

Having your own things to do and not feeling well are very valid reasons not to see her.

Maybe think about the next time she complains that she hadn't been out for ages and she knows you're off? Maybe have something rehearsed like "what have you got planned for tomorrow Mum? There's that X thing on that you might like". I usually have a good idea of what's going on around my Mum (which she hates) so I can suggest a local activity that's on like a community cafe.

Better still, don't tell her when you're off!

[Lizzbear]

I hear you. My sister was widowed at 49, 5 years ago and lives alone in a remote village.
She refused to move nearer to us, as it's too "urban", and expects me to keep going to visit her as she's lonely, down, overwhelmed etc.
It's not enjoyable, I always feel guilty, and it's been relentless.
I've found if I'm "unavailable " for a while, she's forced to up her game and make arrangements with local friends.
It's an ongoing yoga keeping my boundaries in place.
I feel your pain.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

Mine does this!

I no longer tell her if I've got a day off.

I now respond to this kind of suggestion with "Why don't you meet up with X" (friend round the corner) or "don't they still have that [insert name of random event/place/cafe/community activity) on on Wednesdays"?

It rather reminds me of DD moping around saying she's bored. I don't provide activities on demand for her, and I'm not starting with DM!

[CadyEastman]

It rather reminds me of DD moping around saying she's bored. I don't provide activities on demand for her, and I'm not starting with DM!

That's exactly it! If the DC say they're bored I only ever suggest cleaning/chores. They usually find something else to entertain themselves fairly sharpish.

You definitely don't need to entertain your DM.