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Elderly parents

Do the elderly routinely infantalise children/teenagers?

42 replies

mids2019 · 27/12/2023 16:58

Been to a traditional boxing day party with elderly FIL and Father.

There were a range of children there aged between 10 and 15. Elderly FIL insisted on games more geared to 5 year olds (pin the tail on the donkey, cracker pulling competitions etc) with chocolate rewards

OK it was Christmas and I guess the above could be described as traditional party games
but I noticed there was no real attempt to address the children as young adults.

Is it common for the elderly to have an arrested perception of grand children aging and a lack of comprehension of the concept of a teenager? It s as if the GC are fixed in my elderly relatives minds as being 6abd they can't relate to them at another level.

OP posts:

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custardlover · 27/12/2023 17:02

My mother buys my teenage DS storybooks for Victorian toddlers.

WeightoftheWorld · 27/12/2023 17:08

My experience, and that of my siblings and cousins (on both sides) as a grandchild is the same! However for DH on both sides his DGPs are not/were not like that. So varies I guess!

mids2019 · 27/12/2023 17:09

@custardlover

I guess my children play along a little but I find it mildly unsettling We have had trips to the beach where FIL has got out buckets and spades for 14 year olds.

I wonder whether there is a small amount of senility in this or just an ingrained stereotype of what a grandfather's role is?? Is this just an extreme manifestation of a generation gap. I have noticed my FIL was also preventing the children choose music yesterday (Taylor Swift precisely) and we all had to go with Queen and the Beatles.

There is also a constant 'modern life' is rubbish vibe with constant put downs of technology, clothing etc.. .

OP posts:

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 17:11

Be glad that the grandads want to even be engaged with the kids (10 year olds ar not young adults) - many don't.

mids2019 · 27/12/2023 17:11

@WeightoftheWorld

At least I am not the only one. The 15 year old plays along a bit to ensure grandad has fun but the 13 year old gets a little frustrated.

Did you ever say anything to your parents about GP being out of touch?

OP posts:

mids2019 · 27/12/2023 17:16

@TiredOfSayingItAgain

I agree 10 is quite young but 15 not so much. I appreciate the attempt to engage but don't understand how they have seemed to have mentally lost the concept of teenage life given that they were the 60s generation.

It is a real shame as the GP at a time were willing and capable of engaging in quite wide ranging discussions but now maybe because of age to here seems to be a blind spot for this generation.

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2023 17:28

I think it’s sweet! I also think the race to ‘adult’ children and young teens is wrong. My DC and their cousins loved spending time with their grandparents doing all sorts of child-like activities, even into their late teens/early 20s. I’m pretty certain they’d have buried their DGF at the beach using the bucket and spades, but they would have laughed whilst doing so.

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2023 17:31

Also, who are ‘the elderly’? What age does one become ‘elderly’. Are ‘the elderly’ a completely homogenous bunch?

doodleygirl · 27/12/2023 17:35

yep, all the elderly do exactly the same things and behave in the same way, similarly all the young behave in exactly the same way, and don’t get me started on all the middle aged!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/12/2023 17:35

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2023 17:28

I think it’s sweet! I also think the race to ‘adult’ children and young teens is wrong. My DC and their cousins loved spending time with their grandparents doing all sorts of child-like activities, even into their late teens/early 20s. I’m pretty certain they’d have buried their DGF at the beach using the bucket and spades, but they would have laughed whilst doing so.

Yeah at that age mine would have set themselves the task of building the most complex sandcastle development ever, akin to the best sand sculptures by adults. It's still fun. They might have had a bit of their own fun with Pin the tail on the Donkey too and deliberately turned it into "Place the Penis", seeing if Grandpa noticed.

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 17:35

I'm in my 60s, and whilst I think TikTok and Instagram are shit (my eldest GC is 12 and looks at them), I do have proper conversations with my GCs, and play age-appropriate games (DrawKing, Monopoly, chess, Scrabble) with them. I might be elderly but I'm definitely not senile.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 27/12/2023 17:36

I don’t think it’s a grandparent/elderly thing, more to do with people who are not around children of that age. We have lovely friends who do not have children. They are so kind to DS but have no idea about the sort of things he likes to do. Like suggesting we could go to a play centre when he was 11 and buying him a load of Enid Blyton books that they loved as children.

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 17:36

A GP told me that 65 is the age when a person is classed as medically elderly. I've got a few months to go......

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2023 17:38

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 17:35

I'm in my 60s, and whilst I think TikTok and Instagram are shit (my eldest GC is 12 and looks at them), I do have proper conversations with my GCs, and play age-appropriate games (DrawKing, Monopoly, chess, Scrabble) with them. I might be elderly but I'm definitely not senile.

You’re in your 60s - you’re not elderly!

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 17:40

Soontobe60 I'm not yet elderly, but soon will be, according to the medical profession. That's fine, because I'm still 35 in my head 😂

Christmasconcerts · 27/12/2023 17:44

A couple of weeks before he died (I don’t mean that morosely, just that I remember it as his last visit) my dad kept asking me ‘do you want a wee?’

He also used to ring the landline and express astonishment that I was up at around 9am. I was 33.

I know I should have been more patient and tolerant given it was his last visit but honestly I found it really irritating.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 27/12/2023 17:44

My DM was the same with my cousin's children. She was always amazed at re teen DC's speech and the wonderful things she would come out with - amazing if she was 5 but she was 11! DM would talk to both DC's as though they were very young. My own DC are older than my cousin's and we lived together so she saw them grow up and had more idea of who they are.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/12/2023 17:48

No, neither my parents nor PIL would do this. They are late 70s.

AnnaMagnani · 27/12/2023 17:48

My experience is that some (definitely not all!) elderly parents have you stuck at a particular age, regardless of how old you are.

My ILs fondly talk about BIL being bad with money and playing football in the garden. He's actually a headteacher and 'being bad with money' was when he was a broke student.

DH gets the same presents every Christmas from them as 'we know you love them' He hasn't liked these gifts since he was 15 and has said so to them.

They also seem stuck in the 'cute' stage for all their grandchildren. The girls are teens who are about to go to university. MIL still buys them chocolate buttons.

My DM doesn't do this, despite not having GCs, as she spends a lot of time with people of all ages.

NoraLuka · 27/12/2023 17:51

My DF has no idea what to talk about with my teenage DDs. He didn’t talk to me either when I was that age to be fair, although he was a bit better with my brother. I put it down to him going to an all boys school and only having brothers so maybe teenage girls are like another species to him!

My grandparents weren’t like this at all, but didn’t recognise teenagers either. You went from kid to adult at about 14!

RuthW · 27/12/2023 17:53

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 17:36

A GP told me that 65 is the age when a person is classed as medically elderly. I've got a few months to go......

It's 75, not 65!

ANightmareBeforeChristmas · 27/12/2023 17:54

We have had trips to the beach where FIL has got out buckets and spades for 14 year olds.

DH and I always take a bucket and spade to the beach - we are middle-aged! Love making sandcastles!

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Fizbosshoes · 27/12/2023 17:56

I actually think that anyone can sometimes not remember/gauge what interests kids of certain ages if they don't have any, or if they don't see them frequently.
I have a couple of relatives (not grandparenrs) who have previously bought things that are too young for my kids ...but I think its because they don't have kids or have regular contact with them to know what "level" of present to get/what game to play
FWIW I think my 14 year old probably still would make a sandcastle /dig out a tunnel etc if presented with a bucket and spade, particularly if someone else was interested in doing so.

Cooroo · 27/12/2023 17:59

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 17:36

A GP told me that 65 is the age when a person is classed as medically elderly. I've got a few months to go......

Oh fuck that! I've got 10 months to go and feel young(ish) both physically and mentally.

LeroyJenkinssss · 27/12/2023 18:01

It varies depending on condition. Frailty teams here see over 65s but if you break your hip it’s 60. Wrist fractures are 65 too. Break a bone over 50 from a fall from standing height and you’re eligible for osteoporosis screening…

i do like the phrase ‘they are physiologically younger than their chronological age’ (or vice versa).

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