Moved Mum into nursing home yesterday - oh the relief

[devilinme]

Been lurching from one crisis to the next since January. Diabetes, arthritis ( she can barely walk anymore ) falls, Uti's, hospital stays double incontinence and permanent catheterisation. I am an only child.

I moved her in with me back in June as the juggling work/kids/journeys to her house an hour each way often twice a week was unmanageable. However, having not lived with her for 30 years I'd forgotten the reason I left home in the first place - to get away from her. So she came, along with her rampant narcissicism and reduced me to a servant within days. Getting her out of her room was just not worth the tongue lashing, despite at this point she could still walk with her frame and manage all her insulin and other meds. She still managed to get to the loo for a poo, however she relied on incontinence pants to avoid going to the loo for a wee. Why I thought this would work and we'd have a wonderful time together is a mystery to me. Her refusal to wear her hearing aid only added to the problems.

Six weeks ago she was hospitalised with confusion and raging blood sugar. When she returned to me two weeks ago I had to employ an army of carers coming day and night. Once the district nurses realised I was capable and could administer the meds, they jumped ship.

Through all of this I smiled sweetly and did everything for her, but as some of you may know it was never enough. I was told I was unwell / i used to be such a nice girl / her care just wasn't good enough nada nada. I can assure you all, she is aware of what she is saying.

She does somewhat acknowledge her position, that her needs are too great - I just can't manage her blood sugars and they are continuously high. She went from my house with reluctance but I've stuck to the mantra that I cannot leave her alone for her own safety. She had told me I should give up work but I said I like my job.

The relief I feel that she is now safely taken care of is immense. She wasn't very happy last night sitting in the lounge with other people and making rather disparaging comments about them. I told her to stay positive & make some new friends. I shall not commit to set visits or times and turn up when I am ready. I found the place to be warm & friendly and caring and it's close by.

I can put my family life back on track now and I'm going to get some therapy. It's been tough.

[Needmoresleep]

You may find that she improves and seems happier once she settles. It became clear that my mother was very stressed when living on her own, however much she declared the importance of her independence. Regular good food and company made a lot of difference.

[devilinme]

Orchardgreen, make sure you check out CHC payments, they may provide a significant portion of your mums care and it doesn't matter if she has assets, as it's not means tested

[thesandwich]

Orchard, will your local authority do deferred payments until the house s sold? Worth looking at.

[Orchardgreen]

The local authority may do deferred payments but I think they charge interest on them, so I'd prefer to avoid that.

[Orchardgreen]

The senior nurse called me today, they are going to get her assessed for CHC payments. This is all very new to me!

[thesandwich]

Orchard, get some advice- there was no interest on our deferred payments. Speak to Age UK or your social work team. I have found then really helpful locally.

[devilinme]

So as I said, I told mum to stop ringing me all times of the day and night for things.

Last night she rang 999 instead

She wanted a glass of water and instead of using her buzzer she was shouting for the nurses. The nurses station is through a fire door so they wouldn't have heard her. So she rings 999.

[thesandwich]

[PoshPenny]

Well done OP. I feel for you as my mother is capable of all that you describe. Strangely she has actually become nicer as she grows frailer and needs my help (couldn't possibly be anyone else of course) which I am very relieved about, but can't stop wondering if she'll revert to "normal" at any moment. I hope the nursing home works out. Be prepared for her to resolutely refuse to join in with the activities and mix with the other residents - as my mother did when she went in one after breaking her leg in a fall. She took the non weight bearing instruction very seriously rather than hop around in a zimmer or crutches.