Mum has died

[oskybosky4]

To everyone who has helped me on the other thread I just want to say thank you so much for all your support and help.

My mum was moved to a nursing home yesterday, she arrived at 4 o'clock. She was back in her beloved Holmfirth, where she grew up and where she wanted to be.

She died in the early hours of this morning.

My sister nor myself were there as the home had written my phone number down wrong so couldn't contact me and my sister never heard the phone ringing. The nurse said she stayed with mum till the end and she was peaceful.

Yesterday was the only day that neither myself nor my sister had seen my mum since she had been in hospital - because everytime we rang the hospital they just said they were waiting for transport so by the time we got there she could be on her way to the home. We took her photo's and flowers to the home so they would be in her room ready for her when she arrived.

We had just arrived back home when the home rang and said my had just got there so we must have missed her by minutes.

The doctor would not sign the death certificate as he said her death was unexpected so the police had to be called in and we are now waiting for a call from the Coroner.

My mum was a lovely lady, 96 years old and had been lucky enough to have a good healthy life until very recently so we have to be thankful for that. I hope she knew we loved her.

[CMOTDibbler]

The premium bonds are very easy to deal with - the instructions on their website are very clear and you can download the form from there.

Maybe sort somethings that neither of you want into a box to think about later?

[oskybosky4]

Well, managed to sort out all the carrier bags full of bit of paper, and informed all the relevant utilities etc. We are going to solicitors today for the will but my Dad showed it me before he died so I know I am Executor and everything is split between my sister and myself.

I think I am going to apply for probate myself as there is no property to sell, my sisters name is on mums bank accounts so there should be no big problem there the only things are the premium bonds and Ns income bonds and mums life insurance.

We have been getting on with sorting out the flat, not an easy thing to do, its like throwing away mums life. There is a brass fruit dish that we used to have to clean as kids, it could have been my grandmas, neither of us wants it, so I put it in the bin bag, then had to take it out again.

On top of all this I am getting phone calls from my eldest son, he is extremely stressed at work, he got promoted last summer from journalist to editor and then got married, then mum died so quite a lot of stressful events in a short time. He is talking about packing his job in now but I think he needs to learn some strategies to not be such a perfectionist at work. He was like this at school for a time, everything had to be done just right and if there was a spelling or grammar mistake he would tear the whole lot up and start again.

[CMOTDibbler]

The solicitor dealing with my late great aunts estate told me that cash stuffed into old handbags/ drawers is the norm. I found a huge number of premium bond certificates among photographs, and there was a huge number of bits of paper everywhere, nothing filed together.

My dad is good on the paperwork, but their house is stuffed to the gills with stuff and I hate to think how long it will take to clear

[oskybosky4]

We have started to sort out mums flat now, I didn't realise she had so much stuff. We found quite a bit of cash stuffed in envelopes, lots of photos and newspaper clippings of family interest, bags and bags full of bills, statements etc. Also it appears she had a life insurance policy, premium bonds we didn't know about and I think the will is at the solicitors as we found a letter referring to one dated 2012.

Its made me think about sorting our stuff out at home as we have more than twice as many rooms as mum all with things in them most of which my kids would send straight to the tip.

[twentyten]

Thinking of you osky and pud. Be kind to yourselves. It's trite but time works wonders. And the good memories will come to the fore.

[TaraLott]

And yes, you will need to take death certificates, get a few, you need them for quite a few things and they aren't cheap to get after the initial registration.
I seem to remember we got six, after that we had to pay but I might be wrong.

[TaraLott]

It's hard seeing to their things, I was lucky and had time to take but taking her things to charity shops etc was strangely a help, my Brother just wanted a house clearance and I couldn't bear that so me and DD did it.
The solicitors may well have the original will, my Mum's did.
The solicitor will be able to tell you what to do about bank accounts, I went into the bank and told them, they closed the accounts and eventually, after probate, settled with me and my brother.
So sorry you have been through this, it takes a while but it does get better, my Mum died 18 months ago and I still get teary sometimes.

[pudcat]

Hello osky. Hope you are OK. I talk to my Mum as well. I just wish there was a sign that she is OK.

What do we do about the bank accounts and premium bonds and granny bonds they had You will need to send them death certificates. You might find the solicitor has their will.

I haven't got too much to do as Mum was in the home. I had her council flat to sort when she came to live with me.

[oskybosky4]

Well its all over now, my sons and DIL have gone home this morning so its just me and DH and lovely Osky dog. My sister called round on her way to church and she was teary and fed up. I asked if it was because of mum but she said she had felt down for a few weeks but I think it will be because of mum being ill as well.

I feel ok for now, more because I saw mum in the chapel of rest and realised I was just looking at a body and mums spirit was not there and the funeral is over. I talk to her sometimes and have asked her to do her best to get middle son back with his ex, she is a lovely woman and has been so kind to me this week.

We have to get on and empty the flat this week as the council only give you one week to take everything apart from the curtains out. That will be hard as a lot of the stuff will have to be given away or go to the tip. And then all the paperwork will have to be sorted. i know there is a will and I am the executor but we havn't found it yet.

Does anyone know what the procedure is if we can't find the will. I know the solicitors they used. What do we do about the bank accounts and premium bonds and granny bonds they had.

I suggested my sister and hubby might like a holiday or a weekend away and be looked after but not sure if I was being insensitive. She gave her notice in at work when we thought mum was going into the home so she could spend more time with her. My sister is 62 so she should have retired a couple of years ago before they changed the rules.

I know I keep thanking everybody but I truly mean it you have all been a Godsend this past few weeks and I don't know what I would have done without you all.

[wombat22]

I lost my mum a few years ago and have been touched by this thread. My thoughts are with you both pudcat and osky

[oskybosky4]

You too Pud. Please keep in touch the next few weeks arn't going to be easy. PM me if you like.

[pudcat]

Well osky here we are at the end of a sad day - our Mum's have gone on their final journeys. I thought about you this morning as I was getting ready. I hope you sleep well tonight.

[oskybosky4]

Funeral today, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I saw mum in the chapel of rest and she looked lovely but her spirit was gone and this strangely made me feel more accepting.

The service was lovely too and more people came than we expected including all my cousins on mums side and it was really good to see them again, one I hadn't seen since we were teenagers. And I had a really good chat with my cousins about our grandma and grandad and all the older end of the family.

I didn't get really upset or sad all day I kept telling myself how lucky I was to have had my mum for so long. My sons were very upset at the service and if I had seen them crying then I would have been completely gone too.

We had a bit of a 'do' at the pub afterwards with a buffet which also was lovely. The flowers were amazing, we just had one large display from all of us and a donations box for Help for Heroes.

Mum would have approved. Love You Mum.

[twentyten]

Thinking of you osky and pud.

[Weegiemum]

Johnstone looked at this - had to post just to say that poem is lovely, sounds perfect for your mum.

[oskybosky4]

Pud, its weird isn't it how our lives are so parallel, my MIL's previous cat was called Pudcat. We were married in 1980 so a similar time to you too.

I got the name of the poem wrong - my heads all over the place

Miss Me - but let me go

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want to no rites in a gloom filled room
why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
remember the love that once we shared
Miss me - but let me go
For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone.
Its all part of the Masters plan
a step on the road to home
When you are lonely and sick at heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your head in doing good deeds

Miss Me - But Let Me Go

This sums mum up, she had a very positive outlook on life and loved to laugh.

I would like to read it but don't think I would be able to finish so a very good friend of my sisters and myself who also knew my mum is going to do it.

I gave gone 'off' a bit now - I don't want Friday to come but at the same time I want it to be over.

[pudcat]

We are so alike in many ways osky - puddy is the name of my cat :-). We lost Mum's sister in August and a dear friend of mine last month. My d in law is coming on Thursday to wash my kitchen floor, bless her. Her Mum is doing some baking for me.
Is that the Christina Rosetti poem - we nearly had that until I found the one I showed you.

[oskybosky4]

Hi Pud, its so hard isn't it, one minute you feel sort of ok'ish then you go crashing down again. It was nice talking to the vicar this morning, most of the things we talked about were mums memories of her childhood and before she was married and our early childhood. Mum liked people more than things.

We have decided the first song now is going to be You Raise Me Up by Celtic Woman or Josh Groban and the hymn, which I have already forgotten, a poem called Remember Me and the last song You Bring Me Sunshine by Morcombe and Wise. We listened to so many lovely songs but with sad lyrics, I still liked Smile by Michael Jackson, his voice is so pure but my sister says it would tip her over the edge so we agreed on a more uplifting song that is happy like my mum. No doubt it will come as a surprise to some but we are happy with it.

Good for you doing the cleaning, I havn't got round to that yet but will have to get a move on. We think they will be about 25, mostly family, all my mums friends and older family have all gone. Besides us she just has 2 nieces and a nephew who will be there.

I have lost 3 people in the last 3 months, my cousin who I used to see every week died in December, my middle sons partner when he ended their relationship in December and now my mum.

My sons ex has sent me some flowers and would like to come to the funeral but she thinks it may be too awkward as its too soon after the break up. She is a lovely woman and I wish they were still together.

I will keep thinking of you, my name is Lorraine, Osky is my dog.

[pudcat]

osky you sound a little more positive today. I am really having a bad time this week. As the funeral gets nearer the worse I seem to be. I thought all tears were gone, but yesterday I suddenly looked at my watch. It was 12.30 exactly 2 weeks after Mum died. Strange that. I have cleaned downstairs and all the cups and saucers are in the dishwasher. I have fetched out the tea service Mum gave us as an engagement present 44 years ago. I have hardly used it so it seems appropriate. There won't be many people, none of my friends here knew Mum and all her friends where she used to live were older than her and have long gone. Chin up osky

[oskybosky4]

Going to my sisters to see the vicar in a few minutes. Then we have to choose the final piece of music so we can tell the funeral home.

My sister has been to my mums house a few times but I havn't felt able to go yet.

Thinking of you Pud.

[twentyten]

You poor thing. Love the shoes. This is so tough but you will get through.

[oskybosky4]

Terrible day yesterday, I was so down, I couldn't see the point anymore. This morning I knew I had to pull myself together as I don't want my sons to have to feel the way I feel now so have to be strong for them.

I bought a new pair of red shoes today, me and mum loved red shoes and I will wear them on Friday in honour of her. I also had to get a new skirt and top, I lost 2 1/2 stone last year and got rid of all my 'big' clothes, but I have put more than a stone back on in the last few weeks and all my clothes are looking snug to say the least. Not that it matters but mum would have commented.

We might have to change the last song, my sister can't listen to Smile without bursting into tears.

Treasure your parents while you can, I would give anything for more time with my mum.

[Stockhausen]

So sorry for your loss

[twentyten]

Sending hugs and sympathy to you both osky and pud. Really feel for you. Just do what must be done- and be kind to yourselves. The limbo is so very hard.

[JeanSeberg]

Do you have the possibility of visiting your mum in the chapel of rest OP? I found this comforting, appreciate it's not the case for everyone of course.