Parents evening - teacher very negative about my 5 yo... Isn't he just like all 5yo boys? Advice pls on how to turn this around. Quite long sorry...

[leoleosuperstar]

DS is 5 in April and in Reception.

Our first parents evening on Thursday. Teachers comments were:

DS has settled in very well. He seems to enjoy coming to school. Does he?
(We respond that he doesn't want to go to school in the morning but is fine once we get going, think he wants to stay home not a problem with school as such..)

She then continues: DS has made very little progress he doesn't sit still, always figgiting (sp?), biting his clothes, playing with his shoes, putting them in his mouth, distracting the other children... Does he has a problem with his hearing? (no). Sorry I have to be honest but I could stand over him telling him over and over what to do and he still doesn't get it done...(us open mouthed). Well at least he has progressed from Nursery where his report says he would just get up and walk off.

I was so surprised as DS is generally a well behaved child and can be a bit of a day dreamer.

When we asked some questions and said he shows very little interest in picking up a pen or reading at home she said that we need to get him doing painting etc to work on his motor skills and not worry about his fine motor skills...

The only positive thing the teacher said was that DS has made a beautiful valentine heart and it was so good she took a photo for his file (it was lovely - hole punched holes threaded with gold ribbon)

The teacher has said we will have to review in May half term and he will struggle next year.

I don't know what to do now - I feel like I have failed him. We had a chat Friday morning before school asked what good sitting on the mat looked like and he showed us and he then showed us what he does (explaining that his brain makes him move about). We practised what is needed - DS said that the teacher makes him sit on the cold floor and not the mat because he moves about and he doesn't like sitting on the floor because it's too cold.

Spoke to teacher on Friday after school and she said that he was worse than ever!

Any advice?

Thank you

[leoleosuperstar]

Good ideas coppertop - I have just noted them into my diary for when I see the teacher this afternoon. I might see if she will allow me to get a carpet tile because we could have one at home and practise. I think the fiddling is fine if he is listening and maybe this just annoys her? Maybe he could have some worry beads in his pocket if the teacher agrees? I think I'll try them at home first to check he can still pay attention whilst fiddling with them - thanks Hullygully. lol at your dc shoe incident.

DP's mum and dad have said he is exactly like DP.

I am more than willing to work with the teacher and she is happy to have a quick chat each day as to how it went today.

I find it hard to suggest things to her as I feel like she might take it as a criticism of her skills (which it wouldn't be).

Mmelindt - going to have a watch now thank you for the link.

Feeling a bit more positive thanks everyone..

[mussyhillmum]

My DS is an end of may baby. We were told very similar things about him when he was in reception. I had his hearing tested - it was fine. Doctor confirmed it was selective hearing - something which DH still exhibits at 45 years of age! We were told that our son would struggle, need "remedial" classes, etc. Like you, we were very concerned. Cue lots of time spent with me trying to get him to form letters,etc. I gave up on this when he was reduced to tears at the kitchen table.We focused on doing little lego, making jewellery - lots of crafts involving the use of the pincer grip. During the summer between reception and year one, his grip improved massively and he was able to catch up very quickly. By the end of year 2, he achieved level 3 in all areas except reading where he achieved a level 4. I am not telling you this to tell you how wonderful my DS is, but to reassure you that boys who are young for their year are often "behind" in motor skills. It has nothing to do with ability - it is their age. As for the fidgeting - some boys never stop! How much excercise/ physical exercise does he get at school? Boys are like dogs IMHO - need plenty of regular exercise! As for the shoe thing, my DD (5) often puts her shoes on the wrong way. I do feel for you, being made to feel there is something wrong with your son. He sounds VERY normal to me!

[leoleosuperstar]

The exercise ball is an excellent suggestion Madame - will chat to teacher about an aid to fiddle with if not distracting. I'll try at home so I can test it out and then be confident that it wont create more problems..

[emy72]

What would really annoy me about this is that the teacher has waited this long to tell you, he's been at school 3/4 of the year and I would have expected to be told earlier, so that you could have worked with the school to address whatever problem you can together.

I can't say whether that is normal or not as my DS is 3 and a half and he is not like that at all, but that doesn't mean to say other little boys aren't. I would go back in and discuss strategies, because so far it just seems all very negative to me!!

[Hullygully]

Thanks for Ken R thing Mme Lindt. V gd.

[mistlethrush]

My ds is to be 5 in April. I have been to see the teacher numerous times to discuss his 'issues' which include not being able to sit still, rocking on chairs, getting distracted, interrupting with the answers, not letting anyone else have a say, not listening, running round wildly in PE.............. (the list is quite extensive!)

We have, after a particularly bad week and some strong talking to, had a break through at least with the naughty behaviour - which still leaves the fidgeting etc, although that has also improved. However, I think we're ahead of the game really as he was in nursery in the same school last year, so they started trying to get cooperation then.

I certainly wouldn't be worried about the fidgetting etc and I would be turning it round and asking the teacher what she is going to do about it and explaining about the cold floor etc (if necessary, a cushion on the cold floor?)(or a carpet sample square?)

I would be reigniting the love of books - I wouldnt' worry if he's not interested in the school ones at this age - as long as he is enjoying books and you're trying to get him to start sounding out easy words here and there - it shouldn't matter that they are not school ones.

My ds's teacher commented at parent's evening that the boys were all significantly behind the girls in terms of their writing - which is another thing that your ds might be being judged against.

[Gipfeli]

The bit about his brain making him move reminds me of some things my son has said.

When he was five and I heard from his teacher that he was constantly on the move and didn't hop well, I asked Mumsnet and someone mentioned "sensory processing disorder".

So I googled it and found a few things that seemed to fit with my son. There is a checklist of symptoms here
www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html

The comment about him not really noticing his shoes were on the wrong feet also made me think of this list.

It's a very long list, and for my son, only some of the vestibular dysfunction ones made sense but it was useful for me to consider this and understand what might be making him behave this way. I mention this not to worry you or to say that there is anything "wrong" but rather because there are some other pages on this site that give some practical ideas of things you and the teacher can do.

For us, this behaviour wasn't anything I'd particularly noticed before. At home there is little need to sit still at exact times and he was able to choose for himself when he needed to move and when to sit still. The school situation is different and clearly he has less choice over what happens when.

So we're a year on now and my son is 6. He's been seeing an occupational therapist (we're in Switzerland, it's relatively normal for children of this age to have some sort of therapy!) The fidgeting happens less frequently and he does more drawing and writing now. I have no idea whether this is just a normal development or whether the involvement of the OT has helped with this.

[GooseyLoosey]

This sounds quite a lot like ds in reception. He had trouble just being quiet when he needed to. We asked for a meeting with the school to work out ways in which we and they could help ds without constantly telling him he was being naughty. He had his own start chart which he kept in his drawer and he got stars for the things he struggled with. There is a lot of positive reinforcement of good behaviour. Talk to the school about what ideas they have to help your ds and how you can work with them to focus on good behaviour not bad.

Ds was not great in reception but flew in Yr 1. When they assessed his reading, they had to move on to secondary school tests. He still does not draw and hates it with a passion. However he will construct anything out of anything and we focus on that instead. He can be very creative, but in his own medium.

[OrmRenewed]

Oh dear I hate to ask but is she quite new to teaching?

She may be working to guidelines without realising just how much 5yr olds fail to conform. IME it's the newer teachers who tend to be more concerned with what and when children acheive things.

What is she planning to do?

[MollieO]

I think that a 5 yr old boy not sitting still at carpet time is pretty normal to me. Ds (5) is the same but fortunately is at an all boys school so no well-behaved girls to show him up .

Imo it is up to the teacher to deal with this issue. You cannot easily replicate a classroom environment at home (assume you don't have 30 dcs!). I would ask her what she plans to do and offer whatever support you can at home.

[janajos]

Do you believe the teacher? Has she identified the correct child? Why was her opening comment so incongruous? Have you noticed these things at home? What does your son say?

I'm sorry to bombard you with questions, I am a special needs secondary teacher on maternity leave at the moment. What the teacher is describing could be many things, but I think jumping to conclusions is premature. Why is she not more positive? Questions you might want to ask the school are:

What strategies are being put in place to support your son? What has been tried and has it worked. Is he on School Action or school action plus? If not, why not. If she is suggesting he has some educational issues, then has the school SENCO seen him? Don't feel you have to take all this on yourself; you are entitled to good support from the school.

[janajos]

I also am the mum of three boys and I have to say it sounds as if your son is not being very well motivated by the teacher - sitting him on the cold floor is totally unacceptable in my view. BTW my 8 year old was a monkey at school until year 4 (his current year)! My 12 year old has always been a model pupil and is now starting to rebel slightly, I also have a baby boy (9 months) so we wait in hope for him!! Seriously, if you believe your son is ok, then he probably is just being a monkey. If you have any doubts yourself/ves though, follow them up quickly, more can be done for many things if they are picked up early.

[violetqueen]

Great advice ,love the " Yes ,I see .What are we going to do about it "
janajos sounds spot on.
Personally ,having worked in reception and years 1 & 2 as a support assistant - I would say that the teacher is being a cow.
It's perfectly normal for children to wear shoes on wrong feet.
Most teachers I knew were either too busy to notice ,or offered kindly help.
They certainely didn't use it as an opportunity to confuse the child and then mentally make a note of the incident so that they could repeat it verbatim to the parents as proof that their child was struggling .

[MmeLindt]

Also wanted to add that we are likely to see more of these kind of posts as children are going to school earlier and the teachers are not, imo, taught enough about EARLY child development. When they were training their knowledge was focused on behaviour from 5yo, the normal starting age. Now children are going to school earlier, and there is such a lot that goes on in that year from development point of view.

[helyg]

My DS is 5, he will be 6 in May. I've spent what feel like hours being told by his teachers that he doesn't concentrate, doesn't sit still, takes forever to do things... oh and he puts his shoes on the wrong feet too! I was told in reception that if he didn't buck his ideas up he would fall behind... but 18 months later I'm still waiting for him to actually do so!

TBH he is getting better, and if he can see the point in doing something he does it brilliantly (eg he won't write out lists of words for the sake of it, but if you ask him to write someone a letter he will do it tidily, at great length and with perfect spelling). His reading age is high, mainly because he loves stories and has a great imagination!

So in my experience it sounds as though your DS is just being a 5 year old boy.

[JennyS1985]

I'd ask he teacher if he could hold something whilst she is talking to him - something to occupy his hands that wont get him into trouble like a squashy ball he can squeeze! I often give velcro-fiddlers a pen or something to hold to keep them occupied.

Also I'd be tempted to ask how long she keeps her class on the carpet for...your little boy's concentration span will be around 4-6 minutes so any longer than 5 mins or so and they'll be lost!! Def agree with the carpet tile or mat idea - perfect for children who need to be on the move.
Maybe you could suggest a reward chart for answering a question a day to improve listening/concentration skills?? Have a look at sparklebox.co.uk for reward charts.

I have experienced many children who just arent ready for that formal setting in Reception...but who flourish and blossom in year 1. In my eyes, Reception is all about equipping children with the skills they will need to help them to learn - exploring, investigating and above all PLAYING!!

Your boy sounds perfectly normal to me - be proud that he enjoys school and that you're having lots of fun with him outside of school too...

[posieparker]

There is a very very good reason that many European countries do not have formal schooling until aged six.

Please please just relax, I have just come back from parents evening and ds1(who barely read anything in his first two years and was still separating and sounding out every letter in yr2) is now top of his class for maths and way above the national average for reading. This was his time and the perfect teacher, this combination has made so much difference.

I wouldn't treat this with any great weight, but it never hurts to be able to listen well or sit still. I would offer a little carrot, instant rewards never punishment.

[TheCoolerRuler]

I only joined Mumsnet seconds ago, but I hope I can be of some help. I am an old mum - my kids are in their 20's - but I am also a Special Needs Teacher. Your son is only 5, and he may well just be taking a little longer than usual to settle into school. However, it sounds as though his teacher is fairly exasperated with him already and he will react badly if he thinks she doesn't like him. I don't want to worry you, but these are classic symptoms of dyslexia, ADHD etc. WHICH DOESN'T MEAN HE CAN'T DO REALLY WELL AT SCHOOL! Sorry about the capitals, but I don't want you to panic. Don't forget Einstein was dyslexic! And Richard Branson!

I'd start by getting him a wobble cushion - some children NEED to move about in order to concentrate (and your child sounds like one of them) and this cushion gives him the opportunity to wobble discreetly without antagonising the teacher. There's one on eBay at the moment which looks fine (item no: 120487428514). Explain to him why it might help and that if he decides to throw it at people, he will be in trouble!

Contact me if you need more advice or help.

[MmeLindt]

Hello CoolerRuler, welcome to MN. Good first post.

[snowlady]

I think boys often fidget more than girls at this age and boys seem to struggle more with fine motor skills (pencil control).

Chewing clothes doesn't seem that unusual but putting shoes in the mouth seems more worrying.

could your DS be fidgeting due to needing a poo and not wanting to do one at school? Could he be hungry? If he is quite restless I would definitely look carefully at his diet and make sure he is getting enough sleep.

If there is no problem with the above I suppose he could either not be ready to sit down and read and write etc or maybe there is a problem like dyspraxia..I would pay for him to be assessed for things like this if things don't improve next term.

It doesn't sound as though the teacher is being that helpful. Not very positive to start saying he will struggle next year.

[IWishIWasAFrog]

Hi Leoleo, can only add (to the v good advice given already) that I'm currently reading 'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph, as I recently had one and come from a family of all- girls, thought I should find out about the other side , anyhow, it is a revelation! I'm only halfway, and already my husband and half the boys that went to school with me make sense! Would strongly recommend it, he has some interesting things to say about education too, and from what you describe about your son, you might find it reassuring and have some ammo to approach the teacher with. Good luck!

[scaryteacher]

I had this in Year 2 with a teacher who said my ds couldn't concentrate, and wasn't very bright (funny how his reading level was higher than anyone else's).

Your ds may be a kinasthetic learner (ask her is she hitting her VAK targets in each lesson?), and also, if he is turned off by the school books, is he bored? Ime, bored boys wriggle and fiddle. My ds is now 14, and when he is concentrating he wriggles his feet, fiddles with things and isn't aware he is doing it.

I taught several lads like this at secondary and found that giving them a stress ball to squeeze aided their concentration no end. I also got them to do 'Simon says' at the start of a lesson, or part way through if they couldn't/wouldn't settle.

Kids develop at different rates and it will all click eventually. Teaching would be dull if all the students were all the same.

Don't stress, and extend him at home with lego and construction toys (M&S have some great Meccano ones) which will shake the fidgets out of his fingers.
Don't st

[mistlethrush]

Yes - I thought I'd add that ds's teacher said that she can sometimes think that ds hasn't been listening at all because he's been fidgeting SO much and asks him a complicated question about what she's been saying or the story etc - and he can answer... same for me last night - I gave up reading a Paddington book to him as he appeared more interested in the alien on his pants (!!!!) but when he said he'd been listening I gave him the benefit of the doubt, asked him some questions about the story and he was able to fill in the details precisely.... so I continued!!!

[Shaz10]

scaryteacher Don't ask me about VAK in parents' evening! I think it's a load of all hooey and a way to excuse oneself from certain tasks (this is more obvious when they hit secondary).

But anyway mistlethrush you are describing the perpetual motion boy in my earlier post! He showed me when I did the old "what did I just say?" . If he is learning then fidgeting is fine, although if it starts to distract the other children it can be a bit of a pain. I gave my fidgety boy a wooden 3D shape with lots of corners. It kept his fingers busy and the rest of him (usually!) managed to stay still.

[mistlethrush]

Yes, ds is in perpetual motion nearly all of the time. But, having been SOOOO active, he then needs LOOOOTTTTTSSSS of sleep (phew!!) so we have to aim to have him in bed by 6.30pm (which is a scramble) and even then he quite often needs a bit of a nap at the weekend just for an extra catch-up... But its not just the constant movement that's tiring, its also the constant talking, questions, non-sequitors (he's clearly been thinking things in his head and then comes out with something that, for him, is logical, but as we haven't had that linking thought process, we don't appreciate the links) - sometimes its an effort to get him to stop talking for long enough to eat enough to cope with the constant on-the-go ness!!!