DS in year 2 says he hates school, has no real friends and can't wait to be grown up (or dead) so he doesn't have to go. I am in bits trying to work this out. Please help (long, sorry)

[misselizabethbennet]

Not sure where to begin with this, but it is all I can think about and have no idea what to do.

DS is 6, one of the younger ones in the class but also one of the biggest. We have had periods on-and-off since reception where he would cry going into school - has been ok so far in year 2, but this past week has been crying pretty much every day. Teachers have always said he gets on fine with the other kids, and isn't alone during playtime, but he's not particularly sporty so doesn't join in football, but plays games like 'tig', etc. It's fair to say that he has never really bonded with any of the other children, although we have had friends to tea. Last week he went to a friend's house and cried hysterically and had to be collected early.

He told me this week that it's too long to wait to be grown up so he might kill himself with a gun or find something poisonous so he doesn't have to go to school. Obviously this sent me into a spin of anxiety.

And now I'm worrying about the after-school club, and am starting to wonder whether he's getting bullied. He says the other kids call him weird, and there was an incident on Friday that really upset him, where he was accused of doing something 'weird' no-one believed him. I have no way of knowing whether he did the weird thing or not, but am now worried that other kids don't like him and this is why he's particularly unhappy at the moment.

I usually try to not give too much credence to his moans about school as the teachers say he's perfectly happy once he's there and at the end of each day he usually says it's fine. I have asked him if he wants to look for another school, and of course he says no.

He is quite a shy child, and a bit sensitive, but his shyness is slowly improving all the time and anyway he now knows all the children/parents and isn't shy around them any more - although he still would be with new people.

It's a lovely school with nice teachers. He is clever and learns easily, but I don't think he's bored. In fact, this might the first time he's feeling really stretched at school.

I don't know how to help him. He seems to want to spend all his time with me, and has always been a bit of a mummy's boy. He loves his daddy but at times he kind of shuts him out, not answering his questions, etc. He's doing this a lot lately.

So he seems to be craving more attention from me. I currently work 3 days so I pick him up from school 2 days per week and spend pretty much the whole weeekend with him. On a work-day I'm home by 6, so I do see him and have quality time before bed. I could rearrange my work so that I pick him up every day - this would be quite a bit harder for me but of course I'd do it if I thought it would solve the problem. The question is, would it solve the problem? He is craving more time with me - if I give it to him, might I be making the problem worse as he'll become even more attached.

Sorry to ramble on. I usually trust my instincts but I am really lost here - I genuinely don't know what I should do.

[misselizabethbennet]

thanks MollieO. There is a really nice childminder who picks up from his school - maybe I should consider this and see if she has places. Alternatively, I am looking at changing my days so he only has to go to club one day per week. I'm always nervous of changing things too much as DS is shy - it took him ages to warm up to the ladies at asc.

My main issue with a sandwich at school is that it's just a sandwich, which doesn't seem very nutritious. Plus, he is a picky eater anyway so exposing him to different foods via school dinners has helped him eat some new things. But I'm desperate now, so I'll probably give him packed lunches next week.

My kind neighbour has just offered to have him to tea tonight to keep him out of after school club (her DS is in same class). I think he'll like that (I'll still have to pay the flaming club though).

[bigTillyMint]

Play dates are a good way of avoiding asc sometimes (if you can have the friend to play on your home days), and might help him to form some closer relationships.

FWIW, my son used to (still does sometimes!) moan about going to asc, but is always fine when I collect him and DD. I agree with Mollie that a childminder might be better for him - aometimes asc have routines that are boring / don't offer enough adult:child time that some children crave.

[MollieO]

I'm changing to asc after half term at my ds's insistence. He is very outgoing and sociable and wants a busier after school environment than he has at his childminder's! I've maintained the stand off over packed lunches as although he gets a cooked meal at the childminder's for tea he won't get anything at asc. We have compromised with him having a cooked lunch and me promising to send him to asc with a packed tea!

One of my friends has a weekly arrangement whereby she collects another child along with her ds once a week and the other child's mum collects her ds with her own once a week. Means that both children are in asc one day a week less than they would otherwise be.

One of the problems with asc that I can see is not every child goes everyday so it can be difficult to form friendships.