bullying

[thanksfortheadvise]

My child is being bullied by a child who has "special needs". The school now say it is not bullying (although a teacher called it "bullying" last year) because the child is not doing it intentionally?!
They recommend my child see the school child psychotherapist?
It has been going on for over a year, please help.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I think it can be a difficult situation for everyone. In DD's case, the parents of the boy who was attacking her really, really wanted him to stay in mainstream education. Unfortunately, the school couldn't really cope with his special needs - with a class of 30, and only a part time teaching assistant, the teacher told me that she felt she had been unable to teach the class - most of her time was spent trying to control this child. The headteacher wanted to be able to help the parents, but (apparently) the child didn't qualify for further help/funding in the classroom (no idea why). The problem was that it was allowed to go on for too long with the teacher saying she couldn't cope, my DD getting injured (minorly) regularly, and it wasn't until something quite drastic happened that the school did something.

[Kleinzeit]

DS has SN and his primary school did make sure he was closely supervised at playtime, as this was the time when his behaviour was most disruptive to other children. It sounds as if (for whatever reason, perhaps lack of funds) the OP's school is not providing enough support and supervision for the other child in class and at playtime and the OP?s daughter is paying the price. OP, your daughter deserves to feel safe at school and it would be reasonable to make a fuss.

[OliviaLMumsnet]

Hello there
We are not sure that AIBU is the best place for this thread.
We will move this to our education topic
thanks
MNHQ

[OwedToAutumn]

Read the tread Portofino!

The OP said she had told her DD to go to an adult, as one coping strategy, but this isn't working, as the adults are not taking the issue seriously.

OP, go to the Governers. The HT has failed in her duty of care. If that's no good, go to the Local authority.

[thanksfortheadvise]

thanks all for your advise...........
I am glad I am not going mad. You know when this kind of thing happens and you keep thinking "is it my fault?" and asking yourself if you are missing something because the powers that be, the school, keep reassuring me "it's alright" but clearly it really is not all right.
Am glad I joined and hope I can offer some advise to others once I have found my way round mumsnet,
thanks again guys x

[Portofino]

And what have you told your daughter to do if this happens? Move, tell a teacher/dinner lady? I know this sounds a bit harsh, but if the other girl is SN she probably doesn't see what she does as "bullying" and the school cannot watch them every second. Have you explained to your dd that the other child has SN?

[CombineBananaFister]

I really feel for you OP, it's an effing nightmare when your child is being bullied, even worse when it is someone with special needs as it there may not be comprehension/intentionality but that doesn't mean jack shit to your DD. I defy anyone to keep their more sensible head on when their child is being hurt and so what if you don't know the etiquette of the site yet, you want some advice and are upset. I would say be brutal, your child your priority and that is no disrespect to the other child who may not understand the impact of her behaviour but it seems everyone is scared of tackling the issue. If they are not qualified to deal with this situation then then your child should be protected. Sorry your having a rough time.

[thanksfortheadvise]

The girls are 7yrs old.
I just want it to stop.
I don't know why they haven't sorted it out yet. Do you think it is something to do with the other child being statemented?
Or is it because the school do not want it labelled as bullying?
Is it like absenteeism where the school have to record figures and then they are recorded on a league table?

[ErrorError]

Screaming in her face, pushing, pulling etc

OP said girl is doing the above. I'm sure she doesn't want to go into too much detail for obvious reasons. But the examples given are unacceptable behaviour nonetheless, no matter whether the child inflicting them has special needs or not. OP it sounds as though you are doing everything in your power to control the situation, but the school isn't holding up its end of the bargain, and I can see how this is exasperating for you. I would take it further. A word with the Head and then a letter to the Governors. I also feel for the other girl and family, as it's obvious they're not getting the support they need, but for you, your DD's safety comes first. I hope a resolution is found that suits all.

[Catsdontcare]

I think the op did say in her 3rd post about pushing, pulling, screaming in her face.

[thanksfortheadvise]

She screams in her face and pushes and pulls her if my daughter dosn'y play the way she wants her to

[AgentZigzag]

They shouldn't be leaving this to two children to sort out themselves, sounds like it's gone beyond that.

How old are they OP, not that it matters.

Putting them both on the same table really isn't on, everyone should be aware of how this is affecting your DD and they should be doing everything they can to stop it.

Doesn't sound like this is happening for whatever reason.

What would you like to happen OP, and why don't you think this has happened so far?

[lisaro]

Remind the school they have a 'Duty of Care' to your daughter and if they consistently are failing in that duty then you need to take it further.

[ScreamingNaanAndGoryOn]

What. Is. The. Other. Girl. Doing. Exactly.

[thanksfortheadvise]

I totally agree it is not up to the dinner ladies to watch one particular child, but the Head assured me that if my daughter went to an adult (including the dinner ladies if approached at break times) they would be aware of the issues and they would back my daughter up, NOT tell them to go off and play together?
I have tried to give her strategies, one of which being going to the dinner ladies for help......

[ScreamingNaanAndGoryOn]

You've not said exactly what the other girl is doing.

[thanksfortheadvise]

I made an appmt to see the Head who reassured me AGAIN.
Everything was good UNTIL........ the two classes needed to be combined for some reason and my daughters class teacher decided to seat my daughter and the "bully" on the same table?
I am really furious... The head kept banging on about this girls special needs and how she does not understand her inappropriate behaviour, but that she has been told to keep away from my daughter AND THEN SHE PLACES THEM ON THE SAME TABLE? How confusing for a child with special needs, and distressing for my daughter who I keep reassuring that her teachers will make sure they are kept apart?!

[Portofino]

What is the other girl actually DOING?

[ScreamingNaanAndGoryOn]

Keeping them apart isn't addressing the problem, it just puts a plaster on it. The school need to take steps to address the bullying.

[AgentZigzag]

It's the school who isn't tackling this effectively rather than any problem with the other girl.

This should just be routine stuff to them, so if it's completely baffling them as to what to do, you need to be more firm with them I think. (although you've probably not said all the things you've done with them, but whatever you've done, they obviously haven't got the message you're taking no prisoners yet)

Your poor DD, school shouldn't be a place she's trying to escape from until she's at least 13/14 .

[Portofino]

It is not reasonable to expect that dinner ladies can patrol the playground watching one child. I have had similar issues, and the strategy is to equip MY child to cope with it, and what to do if bullying happens.

[thanksfortheadvise]

Thank you MrsSchadenfreude think you are right I keep being apologised to then reassured and yet it still keeps happening.
I too have felt sympathy for the "bully" which is why I have let it slip for such a long time, but when the Dr says your child is stressed at age 7 you know you have to put YOUR CHILD first.
Thanks

[Portofino]

Small girls - say 6-9 - can be EVIL to each other. It is not necessarily an issue of bullying or special needs. Yes, the staff at the school should be aware, but also you have to prepare your child that other children can be unkind, exclusive and all kinds of horrible. It happens!

[thanksfortheadvise]

I rang the school who apologised again and again reassured me that all the teaching staff and dinner ladys would be informed AGAIN that they were not to play together.
The next day I managed to get her to school and she was pulled out of assembly asked what happened and told she would have to have a meeting with the bully and a teacher and sort it out!!!!!!!!?
She was so upset all day and had the most terrible tummy ache from the stress of it. I rang and complained again.

[Dawndonna]

I have three children with Aspergers. I would not tolerate that sort of behaviour. The child with AS needs to have it explained, carefully and consistently that the behaviour is unacceptable. It's a diagnosis. It is not an excuse.
Write to the head ask what they have in place ensure that your child is not put in a position whereby they feel bullied in anyway. The school are behaving abominably.