Half siblings

[Soloparenthelp]

Hi all. I am quite new to this but looking forward to the journey. I met with the clinic a month ago, they advised that I come off my mini pill for three months before I have my fertility MOT. They have suggested that it will be cheaper in the long run to stick with IVF and to start looking at donor sperm.

the problem is, I watched the recent itv programme ‘born from the same stranger’, which was overall heartwarming. However, I just can’t shake the niggle that even if I go with a donor sperm in the UK (which pretty much seem to be gold dust) or a EU clinic, that there is potentially so many more half siblings out there. I believe it’s 10 in uk and 75 elsewhere.

I looked at exclusive sperm which is something crazy like £40k! Just wondered if there’s any words of encouragement to get over this niggle that seems to be festering.

What is it about the potential for the donor having provided sperm to help other families that is worrying you

I think perhaps just watching the documentary and seeing how much it impacted people, finding out after 18 years that they could have 20+ siblings that they had no idea about. The majority seemed ok with it I guess. I suppose it’s just the unknown that is worrying me, which is probably a bit silly.

Did you know that if you have a donor-conceived child, you can apply to the HFEA for information on how many donor siblings they have? They are admittedly very slow to tell you but your child wouldn't need to be in the position of having no idea how many donor siblings they have; you could have that information and talk about it with them.

Well if you have a relationship with a man you have no control over how many other children he might have.
I don’t think of other donor conceived children as half-siblings, in the family dynamics sense of things as it’s not the same as some children having experience of the same dad.

If you pay for exclusive sperm it’s not as if you could stop the donor from having children in a relationship and I don’t really know how he could be stopped from donating to another bank anyway.

Anyway these are off the top of my head thoughts. There may be more useful info at Fertility Friends or Donor Conception Network, or indeed on these boards.

Thank you. Appreciate the advice. I think a lot of the info just freaks me out a bit ! I’ve been listening to a pod cast where men have fathered over 300 children!! But I know that’s the extreme. I guess if an ex had children it would be unlikely that they’d go on to have a further 74 children.

it’s probably got a lot fewer than pre 2005 where there was no cap and anonymity!

I think I’m just trying to wrap my head around it all and I’m just putting my thoughts down and trying to work through them. I hadn’t thought about that side of things until the clinic encouraged me to watch the itv documentary.

on a separate note, despite the clinic advising me to come off my pill, they seemed to have changed their tune to now wanting me to do an mot and then another one 3 months later if the results aren’t good. But they’d charge me £500 each time. It doesn’t make much sense to me ?

I don’t think of other donor conceived children as half-siblings, in the family dynamics sense of things as it’s not the same as some children having experience of the same dad.

You may not but there is increasing evidence that many of the, now grown up, children of donors do.

”cheaper in the long run to stick with ivf”

This stood out to me from your original post.

Are you going this alone OP?

Yes I am

I agree !

I am the parent of donor conceived children who have connected with half siblings.

The Uk limits to ten families - within the UK - which could be twenty children (if two in a family). However clinics sell UK sperm abroad and these family numbers arein addition to the UK family limits. Which means that there could be many more families beyond the UK limitS

The US and EU sperm banks are out of control! There is no legal requirement to record donor births in the US so family groups of between 80-150 offspring are routine - and the US births are not even recorded as donor births so you will
Never know the true number of donor offspring!

The plus side of the US is that connection between siblings is easily facilitated at any age. Parents/kids/donors can join the us website - the donor sibling registry - and make links with people who have used the same donor - even when your child is young. The site is run by a Mum of a Dc adult. There is information on that site about the pros and difficulties of matching and I recommend you look at it. They have connected tens of thousands of offspring and siblings, the vast bulk of them happily.

in the Uk the linking is mediated by the HFEA and can't take place before the kids turn 16. The information is controlled.

I decided to embrace half siblings when i became a parent as I thought it might be fun. I know of over twenty now but we have a relationship with one family who we see regularly. They're not like brothers to my children. More like family friends. I get on with the parents.

i think legally the number of offspring should be restricted to five families tops including worldwide. But I think the fact there are more shouldn't stop you from having a baby or linking. There are many benefits for single parents if extended families however unconventional. Please feel free to PM if you have questions.

There are pros and cons to large numbers of diblings. I used a US donor as there was increased genetic testing than in the UK plus so much more information to share with my child - including photos of the donor as an adult. Yes it means there could be untold numbers of diblings out there - 50, 100 😱etc, we’ll never know which he might find upsetting. The family limit for the UK , even with a US donor, is 10 families but worldwide there seem to be few limits, sadly.

BUT many DC kids also seem to want more info or to make contact with any diblings when they grow up (and sometimes with their donor too if they can). My DC will likely be an only child and with a US donor he’ll be much more likely to be able to make contact with some of them if he wants to . I’m already in contact with about a dozen other diblings parents via private messaging/ forums, we share photos, stories and it’s lovely seeing how alike (and how different!) they all are from each other. This would be really unlikely to have happened if I’d used a UK donor 😁

But, yes I agree with the pp - ideally there would be proper limits (say 5- 10 families per country depending on population) BUT we would keep the openness of the US or European mindset in terms of potential for early contact.

Even the HEFA here in the UK is discussing the possibility of earlier contact now rather than waiting for 16 or 18 - studies seem to be showing that openness from when kids are very young (such as knowing about/meeting donor siblings, knowing lots of information about the donor) can have emotional benefit. It seems to be secrecy that causes the most damage with donor conception 🤔

I have chosen not to try and connect with/find out about diblings for my child and to be honest it isn't something I worry about. I have half siblings myself and they have literally no impact on my life beyond knowing they are out there. I realise that's a personal decision but it's coloured my view that it was my choice to create children using a donor, but their choice to connect or not with the donor/siblings. I've talked with her about her donor since she was in utero. She's still little so hopefully this path will mean there are no secrets as she grows and if and when she wants to find diblings/donor I will absolutely support her and take all the steps I can to facilitate it. Until then, we are a family and we enjoy life as mother and child(ren).

What's different and complicated to you is someone else's normal.

I know someone who is a surrogate (controversial, I know) and she has a relationship with all three of her bio children's families. She quite often babysits one of her bio kids half siblings (no relation to her) and is seen as an auntie figure in all their lives. The kids have absolutely no problem with it. She has three children herself as well as her three surrogate children (not sure about the correct terminology other than bio...but they're all bio so 🤷🏼‍♀️).

It seems overly complicated and odd to me (for many reasons), but it's their normal.

I'm sure if you did go down this route and it turns out your child has several half siblings with different families, you can either try to ignore or or embrace it.