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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

Original poster

Donor eggs within a step/blended family?

15 replies

Lillyalice · 15/01/2024 12:41

I have searched high and low for someone in our situation but no luck! I’m hoping someone here might have had a similar experience that could help or reassure me..
I have 2 beautiful children from a previous relationship and have been struggling to have a baby with my current partner for 2 and a half years now. We have had several miscarriages and an ectopic rupture, and failed IVF. My partner doesn’t have any children of his own. He adores my kids and they him, but he always hoped to have his own biological child and is profoundly sad at the idea of not having any. I would love a 3rd and would also love to make that happen for him. But I turn 45 this month and feel like I need to face the reality that my body just can’t make it happen anymore.
There is the possibility of donor eggs. But it makes me so nervous. I trust I would love and connect with the child and can get my head around that part. But I worry about my two kids, who technically wouldn’t be related to it at all and how they would cope with that. And how it would make the donor child feel. I worry the baby will be viewed as my partner’s kid and not ours and mine too. I worry about putting my two children through something complicated to get their heads around when they have already had to go through a separation and coming to terms with their dad’s and my new lives. They’ve done so well but it hasn’t been without bumps and its taken them a long time to feel settled and accept my current partner. They are 11 and almost 8. They really love him
and are very comfortable with him but it was already nerve wracking thinking of telling them
about us having a baby that would be a biological sibling. If I had been able to have a baby using my own eggs I feel like that would have been an easier transition for them and all of us, but I just haven’t found anyone in this seemingly niche situation and wondered if someone out there has done this with success and had any tips etc?
Please no comments on my age etc.
Thank you so much. x

OP posts:
Nearlythere80 · 15/01/2024 15:29

Can you get a feel for how they would feel about a new half-sibling? Big age gap, different father, loss of your time for them etc. The donor origin may well be the least of it really.

SarahJTin · 17/01/2024 21:58

I was just reading your message.
I think it’s probably a more common than you think for people to use donor eggs these days.
Its not actually anyone’s business how you conceived if successful, it’s just a new family member.
I think if children grow up with a new baby sibling it’s joyous news and they just bond whether genetically related or not.
I have a half brother and step brother that I grew up with. I love them equally.
I am 47 and today we just got 10 blastocysts from our donor who looks a little like my other children from previous partner.
Very excited for transfer day.
I think once you are feeling happy with the egg donor choice that takes away worry.

Original poster
Lillyalice · 22/01/2024 11:54

Thanks so much for this lovely and helpful and positive reply. 10 blastocysts is wonderful! Wishing you so much luck. x

OP posts:
SarahJTin · 22/01/2024 12:10

Thankyou, turned out we got a total of 16 healthy blasts!
Changes look v good for us.
I travel to NY on the 1st for transfer.
Don't even worry about age or what anyone else thinks.
Good parents can be any age and I’m sure when a baby is so wanted they will be flooded with love ❤️
Plus if there are half siblings there is extra helpful love availabile

Florence329 · 04/02/2024 11:16

I have worked with children for nearly 20 years. In my experience, children are much more accepting than adults. Of course, children need preparation for a change like a new sibling but as long as they feel loved and safe, they generally adapt really quickly. Attachment is much more important than genetics. The family set up you are describing isn’t as niche as you’d imagine. I recommend speaking to donor conception network. They have workshops for people considering donor conception. You may have the opportunity to link up with people in a similar situation to you. They also have useful resources to help explain DE conception to family members including books for children. Speaking as a mother of a DE conceived child, it’s important to have a good understanding of epigenetics. Your children will be related to a donor conceived baby even if they don’t have a genetic link.

SarahJTin · 16/02/2024 15:03

Brief update on this thread!
I got three positive tests yesterday 9 days post transfer!
Hope that fills others with hope xxx

Coyoacan · 16/02/2024 15:08

It all sounds very risky for your health, OP.

nceec · 08/04/2025 16:59

Hi LillyAlice,

I find myself in this very same position.

I wonder - what was the outcome for you and your potential egg donation journey?

All best.

SarahJTin · 08/04/2025 23:02

Hi LillyAlice,
ive not looked at this thread for quite a while but little update is we got our beautiful baby girl who is almost 6 months now. She’s perfect and everything was straightforward with the pregnancy and I’m back to pre pregnancy fitness almost. Best decision we ever made! We feel so blessed

nceec · 09/04/2025 05:26

Congratulations Sarah! Wonderful news!

Was it your first attempt with donated eggs? How many other kids do you have?

hopefullsosbry · 20/04/2025 11:45

Hi, also in the same situation as the OP. Also congratulations on your baby girl. I have a child to previous ex, grown up and flew the nest so massive age gap, my now partner does not have kids and would love to be a father, we have had 3 failed rounds of ICSI and 6 miscarriages, I am now 42.. so we are considering ED,

I have so much hope and joy thinking of the future that I can help my partner be a biological father, and I will have another amazing human to love and help to raise, but I also have some thoughts which I guess are normal, of how the child may feel when they grown up? Will they feel confused at the fact they have half siblings out there from other donor children born potentially around UK or EU. How will they feel finding out they were conceived ED and will they feel resentment towards me in anny way? Are these just me overthinking things or did anyone else have these thoughts ? If I give birth to and raise a child in this world I want to know I can give them the best life I can and I don’t want to be responsible for giving this child some kind of trauma into adulthood with identification issues etc ? Would that even be a thing ? If anyone can help put these thoughts into place for me with experience or tips thanks ?

SarahJTin · 21/04/2025 06:50

Responding to your last message I think every clinic will insist on discussions around this, ours did. I considered long and hard about best options of whether to openly discuss with them or not and decided against it. I chose a donor who looked very like my older daughters. We decided that the bonds would be stronger growing up with their siblings if they just treated them like a sibling. They are also made almost completely from my body. Only the ingredients, the egg comes from someone else. The caring growing naturing comes from the mother they grow in.
Im fully aware with modern advances it’s highly likely post teenage years she might become aware that her dna is different at which point we can explain that she was wanted and loved so much that we found the absolute best egg we could to give her the best life. I think it can be managed sensitively. I know a friend who told her daughters in later teens and they were absolutely fine.
The other factor I needed to consider which others possibly wouldn’t is I have a manipulative ex from many years ago and I think if he knew he would brain wash my other children and say unpleasant things about the baby to them which may influence how they all feel. I wanted to protect my baby from that. So far everyone has been very happy and our lovely baby girl is treasured by her siblings. For me, I personally feel she was made in me, all her blood vessels and tissues etc… grew because I was trying to eat healthy snd exercise and keep stress free. She’s wanted comfort and to be breast fed and she lights up my world. She also looks the spitting image of her Dada. Hope that answers the question, everyone is different and I certainly would have considered just being open from the start but we carefully considered and I feel for us it’s best for our baby to maybe tell them in later life. I appreciate others will have mixed views about this

nceec · 21/04/2025 10:31

SarahJTin · 21/04/2025 06:50

Responding to your last message I think every clinic will insist on discussions around this, ours did. I considered long and hard about best options of whether to openly discuss with them or not and decided against it. I chose a donor who looked very like my older daughters. We decided that the bonds would be stronger growing up with their siblings if they just treated them like a sibling. They are also made almost completely from my body. Only the ingredients, the egg comes from someone else. The caring growing naturing comes from the mother they grow in.
Im fully aware with modern advances it’s highly likely post teenage years she might become aware that her dna is different at which point we can explain that she was wanted and loved so much that we found the absolute best egg we could to give her the best life. I think it can be managed sensitively. I know a friend who told her daughters in later teens and they were absolutely fine.
The other factor I needed to consider which others possibly wouldn’t is I have a manipulative ex from many years ago and I think if he knew he would brain wash my other children and say unpleasant things about the baby to them which may influence how they all feel. I wanted to protect my baby from that. So far everyone has been very happy and our lovely baby girl is treasured by her siblings. For me, I personally feel she was made in me, all her blood vessels and tissues etc… grew because I was trying to eat healthy snd exercise and keep stress free. She’s wanted comfort and to be breast fed and she lights up my world. She also looks the spitting image of her Dada. Hope that answers the question, everyone is different and I certainly would have considered just being open from the start but we carefully considered and I feel for us it’s best for our baby to maybe tell them in later life. I appreciate others will have mixed views about this

That sounds like a very sensible approach Sarah.

How many other kids do you have?

were you successful on your first attempt at IVF with ED?

hopefullsosbry · 21/04/2025 14:09

@SarahJTin thank you so much for your response, my partner and I feel simular that we think we would wait until they are a bit older to explain. Thank you for the explanation of how the baby will be ‘made’ all by you it actually made me cry reading this, you put it so beautifully.. I would be honoured to help my partner be a father and if a beautiful kind soul can give us the opportunity by sparing her eggs to us I would be forever grateful.

Can I ask a question, when people say about the limit in UK being 25, what does that mean do you know ? Does it mean the ED can donate 25 eggs maximum? Is there a limit on how many times an ED can do an Egg collection ? So I assume we would get a batch from an egg collection ? Then can someone else also get eggs from that same egg collection, say if she produced 20 eggs ? And we got 10 , would the other 10 go to someone else ? Or is there a rule if you like on only 1 family can receive eggs from that egg collection and donor? Or can donors donate more than once ? Thanks

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/04/2025 10:10

Look up mitochondism I think it's called. Basically every baby you carry even if not to term will leave its dna in your blood. This will also reach future pregnancies. So all siblings that you carry are connected biologically even if not your eggs. Very beautiful thing

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