Donor eggs within a step/blended family?

[Lillyalice]

I have searched high and low for someone in our situation but no luck! I’m hoping someone here might have had a similar experience that could help or reassure me..
I have 2 beautiful children from a previous relationship and have been struggling to have a baby with my current partner for 2 and a half years now. We have had several miscarriages and an ectopic rupture, and failed IVF. My partner doesn’t have any children of his own. He adores my kids and they him, but he always hoped to have his own biological child and is profoundly sad at the idea of not having any. I would love a 3rd and would also love to make that happen for him. But I turn 45 this month and feel like I need to face the reality that my body just can’t make it happen anymore.
There is the possibility of donor eggs. But it makes me so nervous. I trust I would love and connect with the child and can get my head around that part. But I worry about my two kids, who technically wouldn’t be related to it at all and how they would cope with that. And how it would make the donor child feel. I worry the baby will be viewed as my partner’s kid and not ours and mine too. I worry about putting my two children through something complicated to get their heads around when they have already had to go through a separation and coming to terms with their dad’s and my new lives. They’ve done so well but it hasn’t been without bumps and its taken them a long time to feel settled and accept my current partner. They are 11 and almost 8. They really love him
and are very comfortable with him but it was already nerve wracking thinking of telling them
about us having a baby that would be a biological sibling. If I had been able to have a baby using my own eggs I feel like that would have been an easier transition for them and all of us, but I just haven’t found anyone in this seemingly niche situation and wondered if someone out there has done this with success and had any tips etc?
Please no comments on my age etc.
Thank you so much. x

[Nearlythere80]

Can you get a feel for how they would feel about a new half-sibling? Big age gap, different father, loss of your time for them etc. The donor origin may well be the least of it really.

[SarahJTin]

I was just reading your message.
I think it’s probably a more common than you think for people to use donor eggs these days.
Its not actually anyone’s business how you conceived if successful, it’s just a new family member.
I think if children grow up with a new baby sibling it’s joyous news and they just bond whether genetically related or not.
I have a half brother and step brother that I grew up with. I love them equally.
I am 47 and today we just got 10 blastocysts from our donor who looks a little like my other children from previous partner.
Very excited for transfer day.
I think once you are feeling happy with the egg donor choice that takes away worry.

[Lillyalice]

Thanks so much for this lovely and helpful and positive reply. 10 blastocysts is wonderful! Wishing you so much luck. x

[SarahJTin]

Thankyou, turned out we got a total of 16 healthy blasts!
Changes look v good for us.
I travel to NY on the 1st for transfer.
Don't even worry about age or what anyone else thinks.
Good parents can be any age and I’m sure when a baby is so wanted they will be flooded with love ❤️
Plus if there are half siblings there is extra helpful love availabile

[Florence329]

I have worked with children for nearly 20 years. In my experience, children are much more accepting than adults. Of course, children need preparation for a change like a new sibling but as long as they feel loved and safe, they generally adapt really quickly. Attachment is much more important than genetics. The family set up you are describing isn’t as niche as you’d imagine. I recommend speaking to donor conception network. They have workshops for people considering donor conception. You may have the opportunity to link up with people in a similar situation to you. They also have useful resources to help explain DE conception to family members including books for children. Speaking as a mother of a DE conceived child, it’s important to have a good understanding of epigenetics. Your children will be related to a donor conceived baby even if they don’t have a genetic link.

[SarahJTin]

Brief update on this thread!
I got three positive tests yesterday 9 days post transfer!
Hope that fills others with hope xxx

[Coyoacan]

It all sounds very risky for your health, OP.