Anyone else struggling to become a solo mum by choice?

[AnnaLCox]

Hi
I am a 44 year old female and have been struggling to become a solo mum by choice for about 3.5 years now. I had 4 failed IUIs, then 4 FETs with my own eggs (two early losses and two BFNs). Last year I used donor eggs and had two more FETs - one was an early loss and the other a miscarriage at 7.5 weeks (with haemorrhage - very traumatic). I feel like almost everyone else who pursues this route seems to eventually have success. Stories of SMBC are everywhere these days and, whilst I'm very happy to hear them and that solo mums are becoming normalised, I rarely hear voices from people who have tried and did not succeed or perhaps tried and then decided against it or moved onto adoption or a childfree life. It's quite isolating struggling for years and not really having anyone to speak to about it who truly understands.

[Nearlythere80]

i'm not single (same sex couple) but just wanted to say i hear you - it is very isolating failing fertility treatments and very poorly discussed - how do you decide to stop etc is never really addressed

[kirstysmbc]

I am so sorry you haven't had such a difficult journey so far. There is a great Facebook group for SMBC in the UK, and there are lots of people at all stages of their journey and at different ages. I know there are people who are SMBC via adoption as well, so hopefully others who can relate to you.

[Stanno]

I’m just about to embark on the IVF process alone after splitting with my fiance just before we were about to begin the process together (he was infertile). I am 41 and terrified that I am about to waste a lot of time and money on a dream.

[AnnaLCox]

Hi sorry to hear about your break up. I started treatment after a break up too, so I know how hard it is. All I would say is you’ll probably regret not giving it a go so you may as well do it, but just try to be realistic about your chances. Often, at the end of the day, it’s about how many rounds of treatment you afford or stand to go through or how open you are to different options should it not work - ie donor eggs or adoption. I am now looking at adoption but undecided yet. Good luck.

[Kewcumber]

I had fertility treatment as a single about 35. I had known fertility issues so started on my own after a break up younger than I might do normally. About 3x IUI with clomid then 3x IVF all failed. I adopted DS when I was 40, he’s 18 now!

[AnnaLCox]

Thanks for sharing your story. So happy you managed to adopt after your fertility treatment - nice to hear a happy ending and an adoption story. Did you find it difficult / challenging to adopt? Would love to hear how you got on.

[Kewcumber]

Adoption was difficult and challenging but so was fertility treatment alone and neither were as difficult and challenging as parenting alone!

The big difference I found with the adoption process was that I was 98% certain it would result in a child which I was never sure of with fertility treatment.

The best piece of advice I was given (around fertility treatment not life in general!) was to fix on how many attempts you were going to have and stick to it. Otherwise you get dragged into an endless pit of trial and failure and it's tough.

People's adoption journey varies quite a bit - I treated my home study like a long interview for the position of being a parent and that worked for me.

However most children looking for homes come with some degree of additional needs even if only casued by the process of the adoption alone and you do need to be in a place where that option is the best one for you in order to make it work. I don't advocate for adoption for that reason even though it has been in the end a joy for me becasue it isn't for everyone.

After talking to me one friend in her 40's decided to do embryo adoption (in Spain) instead of adoption and it has worked well for her.

Happy to answer any specific questions you have though the process is a little different to when I adopted and I also adopted from Kazakhstan which brings additional challenges! (I never did like to make things too straighforward)

[AnnaLCox]

Hi - I have to say I find it enormously discouraging that no one seems to advocate adoption, even those who have done it. As for it being challenging, I can handle tough interviews. After having a life threatening haemorrhage last month and having to call for an ambulance while I was alone in my home, bleeding heavily on my floor, thinking I might actually die, I kind of think the adoption process will be manageable in comparison. I am a resilient person. I know adopted children have issues, but then so do many biological ones, and I presume there is some leeway in terms of choice. I would not adopt from abroad as it's costly and there are plenty of children in the UK that require a home. Thanks for sharing your experience.

[Nearlythere80]

OP if you want to offer a child a home you go for it. My friend at the tennis club is a single woman in her 40s and she's adopted a pre-school girl who is visibly coming on leaps and bounds after her difficult start in life. You sound like you have got a lot of love to give and there will be someone to benefit from that

[AnnaLCox]

Ah thanks Nearlythere80 - that's so encouraging to hear. I'm sure many adoption stories are happy ones but, for some reason, it's always the negatives you seem to hear about. Glad it worked out well for your friend!

[Kewcumber]

I say I don't advocate for adoption in that I don't go out of my way to advise people to do it, it's very much something you need to decide for yourself. It varies so much based on what people want/expect. I very much didn't want to go down the route of egg/embryo donation but thats right for some people. But as I said - "it has been in the end a joy for me"

Intercountry adoption is indeed more expensive and vastly more time consuming and indeed not a good option for most people these days, but back in the day it was even more difficult to adopt domestically for a single adopter so it was realistically my only option. In any event I long past the point of needing to defend my decision 17 years ago as tonight my young man will sleep safely and loved under my roof and he is every bit as deserving of a home as any child in the world.

There is indeed leeway in terms of choice at matching but turning down a potential match takes an emotional toll which isn't to be dismissed lightly. The difference with have a birth child with additional needs (which yes happens but not at the same rate as adoption) is the bonding. You may be hit full on with needs that hadn't been anticiapted before you're really bonded with a child which can be very very difficult.

Post adoption depression is prevalent and thought to be higher than the rates of PND and it hit me pretty hard initally but possibly because I was thousands of miles away on my own in a siberian winter for months - in retrospect it may have good old fashoned depression!

But resiliance is good - I dealt with a life threatening condition when my child was 3 and the longer term effects on him far outweighed my concerns for myself.

Anyway rambled on too long - don't mistake adopters pointing out the pitfalls and challenges to mean they regret their decision, its more realising now what they didn't appreciate at the time and passing that on.

[Nearlythere80]

@AnnaLCox

Ah thanks Nearlythere80 - that's so encouraging to hear. I'm sure many adoption stories are happy ones but, for some reason, it's always the negatives you seem to hear about. Glad it worked out well for your friend!

Its the same for all things though isn't it, you'll hear about the negatives. Important to know them though

[heldinadream]

@Kewcumber your posts about your son are beautiful. I'm so glad you have each other.💞

[Kewcumber]

@AnnaLCox

Ah thanks Nearlythere80 - that's so encouraging to hear. I'm sure many adoption stories are happy ones but, for some reason, it's always the negatives you seem to hear about. Glad it worked out well for your friend!

Adopters point out the difficulties because you need to be made aware of them not because they are being negative. Adopters are used to discussing the realities of life quite brutally and maybe that's hard to hear when you're considering your own journey. I'm sorry if my response sounds negative, it truly was a life changing experience for me for the better, even though my career never recovered and dealing with a teenager when going through the menopause brings a whole new meaning to the word "resiliance" 😁

[drivinmecrazy]

Kewcumber I followed your story back in the day.
Fortunately I've not had any issue with infertility but I remember being captivated by the love you have for your son.
I'm so happy to hear that it's worked out for you.
Lucky Mum and lucky son ❤️

[HelpMebeok]

I'm single and adopted two children in my mid 30s. I choose not to go down the ivf route and have never regretted my choice. Parenting is not plain sailing whether your kids are birth children or adopted. We have had struggles but so have my friends/family members with birth kids.
i knew I would have not been happy if I had not been a Mum. It was something I always wanted and have never regretted my choice.

[Kewcumber]

@drivinmecrazy marking yourself as a real old timer there!

We have as normal a disfunctional relationship as any teen and mother but we've done alright us two!

I don't know that my journey has been any tougher than anyone else's but it's undoubtedly true the becoming a single mother by choice requires more than the average amount of resiliance - financial and practical as well as emotional. A home study will investiaget this to some degree and maybe it's easier to not know whats ahead of you and for you to just deal with it as it comes. One of the (few) pieces of advice I still give is that I spent far too much time worrying about things that never happened and what did happen I could never have imagined. And yet here we are, both still alive and by most people's standards pretty happy with our lot in life.