Single mothers by choice - how did you know you were ready?

[wintertime15]

I'm 32, single and would absolutely love to have a baby of my own. I've been wanting one since I was about 27, but only thought of the donor route about a year or so ago.

I always thought that if I was to fall pregnant unexpectedly, it would be so wanted. However, I did recently have a pregnancy scare with someone who definitely would not have wanted to stick around. I turned out not pregnant of course. But in that moment, I suddenly panicked and thought "oh no, how will I cope if I am? How can I raise a baby alone?".

So my question, as the title, how did you know you were ready to be a single mother? I am still considering a sperm donor as I'm not getting any younger and I do really want a baby, or at least think I do? Is it possible to want a baby and still be absolutely petrified?

Financially, did you panic? I work a stable job, earning around 45K a year, which will obviously significantly drop as I wouldn't be able to work full-time. I own a house with about 35K left on the mortgage. Part of me feels like that is more than what many single mothers survive on. The other part of me thinks will I be able to give my child the best life?

[Tigger1116]

I don’t know if this will be of any help but I’m 36 never had a ‘relationship’ would love to be with someone but I have decided to have a baby on my own with help from a donor before I get too old and I can’t have a baby because I left it too late I’m not hanging around anymore so that’s what I’m doing and yes sometimes it can feel scary but I can’t wait to become a mum. You are definitely in a better position to me work wise ect but everyone is at different points and if it’s what you want go for it all you need is love and care and things work out in life so go for it good luck I’m on my 3rd cycle trying for baby 1

[PurpleBugz]

Do the sperm donar route!!

I'm massively biased because of my history. I was desperate to be a mother but waited till I had a good relationship. He turned out to be abusive as soon as I became pregnant. What a mess. A wedding then divorced is expensive. Then met most recent partner and he was not abusive but a lazy arse which I didn't know till I had a kid.

I feel like I wasted 10 years looking for a good partner to have a child with and chose wrong. But my child from that relationship is a joy. And my other kids are a joy. If you want to be a mother and are prepared to commit your whole existence to it (because initially you will not be a person anymore you will be child mother) if that is what you are prepared to go through then do it.

Honestly I spent 10 years of child bearing age unhappy because I was child less waiting for the right man only to have it fall apart once I found the 'right' man. Seen many other women go through this. I actually do not think you should have a child unless you feel able to manage it alone wether you are male or female. You never know what the future hold you may be widowed if he doesn't leave you. Even in a relationship doesn't mean it will be equal.

You need to know the reality of parenting. A child needs a lot. You will loose your identity in being that child parent. But maybe that is your identity anyway it was for me. You can't have sick days. You don't get holiday paid. No one says thank you and you won't be acknowledged for being awesome yet the slightest fail will be recorded be everyone.

I love my kids. I'm blessed. But I spent 10 years waiting for the right man to have them with and he was not the right man. I kinda wish I hadn't waited. But equally one of my kids is very high needs SEND child- if you can't cope alone with such a child don't do it because kids like this will test a relationship past normal measures. I'm doing it alone and kinda lament those 10 wasted unhappy year waiting for what I thought was the right man. I love being a mother it's who I am and I was no one till I was a mum.

If you understand the reality of parenting and can do that alone even if you have a high needs disabilities child then do it alone absolutely. I hate compromising and allowing dad to make decisions I know he's not thought through like I have but he has parental responsibility so as much say as me. Absolutely I would do the sperm donar route if I had my time again.

BUT financially can you do this alone? I mean we manage because we have to but if I had to live without maintenance and had the high need send child I have I would be f**ked. I've lost my job to care for him because no school will take him. I'm poor really poor but I manage the mortgage because of maintenance. That's the only benefit of a 'person' instead of a donar: the money. Can you afford to raise a disabled child single? If you answer yes and want a kid absolutely you should do it.

If you don't think you can manage alone with no respite then don't do it. Your decision needs to be child focused. If you can do a good job alone with Jo financial or practical help using a donar then do it. Some of us are just meant to be mothers, if we can make that work alone then nothing should hold us back. If we can't manage completely alone then we should not be doing it.

You need to put the child first before you even have he child basically

[Orbinator]

I was 28 and had a miscarriage after I broke up with my fiancee - hadn't even realised I was pregnant. It was very alarming at the time as I was home alone in the bath. I realised at that point that I was done trying to toilet train men and had wasted over 10 years doing so. I didn't want to be out every weekend trying to find a guy; the men I was meeting all seemed to be very childish and selfish and OLD was not the place to find a guy who wanted commitment. So I decided to sign up to a website and "interview" for donors on there.

In hindsight I think maybe a more clinical route would have been better as my donor, who seemed thoroughly charming at the time, does now have mental health issues. However I don't think the clinics can really screen for those any more than you could in a pub! I spent over 6 months on this site chatting to men (some quite weird, or most) before choosing my donor.

I have only regretted it once, over a decade later. Recently DC wanted to meet him, which has never been taboo or off the cards. This is when we discovered the severe MH and now addiction issues. DC is worried that the same may happen to them, but as he was not very clear about what exactly was wrong we have had to guess from various meetings and symptoms he displayed. Weirdly one of my ex fiances has similar issues, so sometimes I think it would have been no different to having a kid with him. However you don't get any support, as pp have said. No one to make the decisions with (although I hear this all the time from my married/partnered friends too). For me it has always felt a lot easier than being in a couple because there is no expectation on the partner. If you want to go away you have to make it happen; there's no hiding or blaming anyone else.

I would say you need savings, especially in this climate. Judgements on single mothers have got less over the years which is good but you will get men expecting you to be gagging for it all the time, as they are still told this by the media. In my experience single mothers have little interest in adding a man to their complicated lives and rarely have the time to build a relationship away from DC. I have a lovely friend group full of them. In fact my advice would be to actively seek out any SM friends you have and talk to them about the reality. It is pretty relentless but also something I am very glad for in many ways.

I hope that helps.

[Orbinator]

Financially I was "lucky" to have a house with no mortgage and a steady passive income of around £30k, so I could be at home with the baby rather than have to pay out for childcare. I decided to do that as the whole point of having a child, for me, was to spend time with it and raise it myself. I really am very glad for the time I had doing that and quite proud that I did it without relying heavily on childcare.

[soscarlet]

Is it possible to want a baby and still be absolutely petrified?

Yes!!! I was petrified all the way through my IVF cycle and pregnancy. My son is 2 1/2 and I’ve just found out my very recent cycle was successful so I’m pregnant again - I’m also scared again. For me there was a definite tipping point where it looked more scary to not do it than to do it. I couldn’t have done it (especially not planned another child) without solid support from family and friends. I have less money than you and much more on the mortgage so it’s easy for me to say you’ll cope financially 😂 but of course I appreciate you’re concerned.

In your situation I’d be tempted to go to a fertility clinic now and find out how your ovarian reserves are looking, and if you’ve got time to save like mad for a few years before trying or if you’re better going for it now. I was 37 when I made the decision to do it and 39 when my son was born and I’m younger than most solo mums I know. The general consensus seems to be “I wish I’d done it sooner”!!

Good luck whatever you decide.

[wintertime15]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It has given me a lot of food for thought. I will definitely look into a fertility clinic.

I do think that the regret of not having a baby is going to hurt so much more, and I can't imagine not having a child of my own in, say, 10 years time.

[Orbinator]

I agree - I know a lot of women who are childless not through choice and they regret not harvesting eggs or considering other routes. There was a book, I think entitled Single Mothers Through Choice that I read probably around 14/15 years ago that was very helpful to assuage any fears I had. It was American but the stats were good to show that a happy family, whatever the makeup, is what creates a happy stable kid. I'd also look into the Donor Conception website. They changed the rules around 2009 IIRC about donor children finding their donors and their site has a lot of valuable information on how to broach this with children conceived via IVF in an appropriate way.
Good luck!

[ASGIRC]

I am currently pregannt with my first and I dont feel ready in the slightest!
I am 40, and kept postponing it and postponing it, despite knowing this was my path for over 10 years!

But it will happen. Financially, it might be a bit of a struggle, but Ill cope.
Fortunately, inmy country, nursery is free, so childcare costs will be minimal.
If everything goes well, I might even try for n2 in a couple of years.

I do regret not doing it sooner!

But there is no perfect time to have a child, and it is always a bit scary, even if you have a steady job, relationship, everything

[whattheactualfrog]

I am 36 and mother to a 13 month old DCC 😊

I was planning this for about 10 years before I got pregnant. I was in an abusive relationship that finally ended and really thrived in my newfound independence. I knew there was 0 chance of me ever going back into another relationship with that experience. I always knew it wasn’t a last resort option, DS was my Plan A.

It isn’t easy especially the newborn bit, you need a support network. And financially it’s tough: I’m on almost £80k, working compressed hours across a 4 day week, and I’m still living paycheck to paycheck because of the cost of childcare, etc. There are also frequent “hidden” costs as they seem to outgrow something expensive every month.

That said - it’s the best thing I have ever done. I am walking on clouds most days, I love him so much. And not only that, I love being a single mum. I love that he gets all my attention, I love that I don’t need to worry about someone else, and I love the freedom.

My view having done it is that it’s not enough to want a baby, you have to want to do it this way. I wanted to have a baby as an independent mother, and honestly it was the best decision ever. Good luck whatever you choose to do 😊

If you want any advice on how to actually go about it, feel free to ask 😊

[Singleandproud]

Im a single parent to 14 year old DD (conception failure).

Being on your own is fine particularly nowadays when you have Deliveroo to grab you Calpol or other essentials if baby is ill and you can't leave the house.

Yes, things like having to make all the decisions can be scary but also that means you don't have to compromise with anyone. If you aren't sure on what to do you have MN or no end of advice available online some of it is great you just have to learn to filter out the bad and trust your own instincts.

Sleepless nights are tough but at the same time if it's only you and a baby you can go to bed at the same time as them and take headphones and iPad/kindle with you you haven't got to go back down to a partner.

I would like another child I love being a mum but have no interest in dating but at 37 I guess time isn't on my side even for fertility. I also had hyperemesis throughout losing 25lbs in 6 days and don't actually think I could put myself through that, the birth on the birth hand was a breeze in comparison.

[Stanno]

I am about to start the IVF process alone after splitting with my ( infertile) ex fiance when we were in the midst of IVF appointments. I’ve toyed with whether I can do this on my own or not but I’m 41 now and don’t think I can wait to find ‘the one’ again. I’m absolutely terrified but know that if I don’t try this then I’ll regret it.

[Tigger1116]

I would definitely go ahead and do it I’ve always been single and at 36 I’ve decided to do it on my own good luck

[whattheactualfrog]

@Stanno

I am about to start the IVF process alone after splitting with my ( infertile) ex fiance when we were in the midst of IVF appointments. I’ve toyed with whether I can do this on my own or not but I’m 41 now and don’t think I can wait to find ‘the one’ again. I’m absolutely terrified but know that if I don’t try this then I’ll regret it.

Good luck!