Making the donor decision

[alwayswithhope]

Hi all, I’m just wondering how you all reconciled having a donor child. In potentially going down this path I came across we are donor conceived and inconceivedable on Instagram. It honestly makes for very depressing reading. All of them are so unhappy at being brought into the world and all so happy to meet their ‘real’ family and siblings. They don’t seem to be happy or regard the parent who brought them up as their parent. One even said he feels he was born without permission to satisfy the ‘selfish’ want of his mother to have a baby at any cost. I don’t know if I could deal with bringing up a child who would later reject me but I also want children so badly and for my husband to be a father - but is this the selfish need that man talked about and not in the best interest of the child?

As far as I know those sites are international/more American based? Some of the DC adults/young people on those sites seem not to have been told of their origins from their early years (thus didn't grow up "always" knowing they were donor conceived) and therefore might feel deceived and angry at their parents because of it. But at a UK clinic, parents now have mandatory donor implication counselling so they should know it is best to be open and "tell" the children from very young.

Also some of those older DC adults may have little chance of finding information about their donor (apart from potential DNA matching sites) and they have to accept their anonymous donor may not want to be found. But many parents now use identifiable at 18 donors instead - it's mandatory if you go through a UK clinic. Unlike in the past, hopefully most parents and donors now understand how psychologically important it is for the DC children to potentially have some contact/more information from their donor if they want to as adults.

Parents in the UK can also join the Donor Conception Network charity, which arranges contact and meet ups with other donor conceived families - so DC children can now grow up knowing/meeting others their age who are also donor conceived to help it feel more "normal" and that they aren't alone.

Finally, no family is perfect - if it wasn't donor conception it could be something else in their family life the person is distressed about. For example I read a study that showed that DC children of single mothers by choice often "do better" than non donor conceived children in a more "typical" two parent environment who have suffered an acrimonious family separation (which is commonplace enough).

I am not discrediting those DC adults very valid feelings but I hope this helps give you some reassurance - my fertility treatment hasn't been successful as yet, but understanding how things may differ for DC children now than in the past has helped me feel more comfortable about using a sperm donor.

Do you follow donorchild on Instagram? A DC adult who was told from an early age who shares her positive experiences of being DC.
But I agree with PP about the hope that telling DC children openly and at an early age helps to remove any secrecy from the situation.
I have also seen DC adults talking about meeting bio parents, with whom they made connections, which they say in no way detracts from the love they have for the parents who raised them. Some have spoken in terms of parents not loving a first child any less once a second comes along, or loving your parents any less when you fall in love with a partner. That love and relationships take many forms and developing new bonds doesn't usually diminish the previous ones. I found these analogies really useful.
It's definitely never an easy road but the fact that you're considering how a potential child will feel makes you far from selfish.
Good luck with making your decision.

Hi both thanks for your replies. I haven’t heard of that Instagram, I will look it up now. I definitely would do non anonymous and you are right a lot of those are American and didn’t know and then find out they could have dozens of siblings. I know there is a cap in the U.K. and also I would be looking at egg donation so likely to be less siblings again. It’s just difficult to think about having a child who may grow up to resent you but I guess you are correct in that this could happen in many shapes and forms during family conflict and I have a large and loving extended family and my husband and I have a lovely home and are financially secure so we would have a lot to offer a child. I change between thinking of course it’s fine but then read those stories and think I could never do it. I just wondered if anyone else had come across the increasing negativity about it online and how to process it. Thanks for your views

Hi OP! I have a donor-conceived 1yo.

For me, I approached those kinds of questions by trying to make the most ethical decisions I could at every stage. I felt strongly that I would want to be open with any child I had about their origins, as I do believe this is the best approach, and with that in mind I wanted to be able to have positive answers to questions that might come up. So for me, having treatment in the UK (where donor information is provided at age 18) was important. Many of the other countries that offer great treatment options do so while mandating anonymity, and I felt uncomfortable with that - particularly when considering the kinds of questions that I could envisage an older teen or young adult having about their donor(s) and their motivations for donating. I regard my son's origin story - where all the people involved in bringing him into the world really wanted him to be here, and went out of their way to make that happen - as a really positive one. (Many people can't say as much about their own conception, sadly.)

As with previous posters, I definitely don't want to discount the lived experience of donor-conceived people who have issues with their origins. But I agree that these stories seem often to come from people who have been misled or lied to about those origins for much of their lives - and I can hardly blame anyone for being unhappy about that. I would hope to be able to give my own child a different experience. I'm also conscious that there are people in the world who are unhappy about their parents' choice to have them, for whatever reason (they did it to 'save' a relationship, or they were addicts, or abusive, or any number of other reasons why their child's life played out in difficult ways) but who don't have that specific focus of donor conception to hold responsible, and so don't have quite the same platform. And those people have just as legitimate a set of concerns, but it's not so typical for parents seeking to conceive in more traditional ways to spend as much time thinking about the ethics of doing so. There are some exceptions, of course - environmental concerns, for example, or concerns over paying on hereditary medical conditions - but it's less usual for people who aren't relying on donor conception to agonise over whether having a child would be ethically appropriate. I actually think that thoughtfulness is a real strength for parents of donor conceived children, and a good foundation for the future.

Best of luck, whatever you choose going forwards.

@alwayswithhope hi OP, it is an old thread.. Just wanted to ask hiw are you doing and what decision you've made?
I am having similar worries... We will have a mixed family