How to address the assumption they have a dad?

[worshiptheavocado]

When you are a single parent, but your situation is different to most because of choosing down the route of being a single parent due to fertility treatment with donated sperm.

Obviously, you are honest with the children themselves about this but just the same it's not necessarily something everyone needs to know about you or them.

I suppose I'm wondering how to handle the inevitable comments and questions and assumptions - 'do they see much of their dad, how old were they when you split?' and things that crop up at school relating to family trees, Father's Day, healthcare professionals, and so on.

I mostly try to go for deflection which works with questions but not with schools and so on!

Any advice? :)

[witchmountain]

I don't think it is a tricky one though avocado - genuinely - I'm not being deliberately obtuse. What is it that you see as being tricky?

Is it that you anticipate a potentially negative reaction to the child if they identify themselves as different in that way? I can see it might raise some eyebrows, but for me that is one of the reasons I would be open - to party neutralise it.

I also think there's an infinite number of differences that children and adults pick up about each other and potentially use to hurt each other. I think what helps people cope with that is a deep rooted sense that they are fundamentally 'ok' and I personally believe that the best way for me to cultivate that will be to open about the circumstances as I would be if they were different.

People gossip about all sorts of things. I don't like the judgemental element that often comes with it, but I try and see it as a way of them being interested in humans and their relationships. The more open you are they less room for speculative gossip.

[worshiptheavocado]

I think that's a lovely post and not obtuse at all.

However, I suppose I cant guarantee dc will feel as secure about it as they need to be, if you follow me. In other words, knowing that it will elicit raised eyebrows, gossip and unkindness they decide anyway to share information I am right behind them. But the point where they might innocently share information without recognising it may lead to the above is what I hope to avoid. I hope that makes some sense as your post is beautifully worded!

[TooManyTrolls]

I'd say politely - they actually don't have a father as I had them on my own.
I would say that. Surely it's not newsworthy is it? You could tell people you don't want to broadcast it as you consider it your child's business not yours. IYSWIM

[worshiptheavocado]

Well, that's fine in theory but in practice people do.

[witchmountain]

You can't do anything to avoid other people's reactions though unless you plan instructing your child not to tell anyone, which will make them feel ashamed - all you can do is treat it as you would any other conception scenario so that your child believes it to be perfectly acceptable. That way if they do ever have to handle a negative reaction it will seem to them as though the person reacting is the strange one.

Did you stick out as different when you were little? You seem to be really anticipating a negative reaction and you seem quite preoccupied with the potential impact of it - just wondering if you're coming at it from an unhappy experience yourself?

Also have you been to any Donor Conception Network meet ups? Your child could meet other donor conceived children then.

[motheroftwojedi]

My niece and nephew have different 'fathers' and neither of them have been involved since before they were born.

The school has always handled it really sensitively when doing family trees/fathers day cards etc. And I think families and family set-ups are so much more varied than historically that it's normal for children to grow up being more aware of all the different family arrangements people might have.

In the case of my niece and nephew their situation is their normal and so it's obvious that their response if anyone asks about their dad is 'I don't have one'. And it's never been an issue.

As long as you're open with your child I really can't see there being any possible negative reaction. Besides you seem very caring and sensitive towards the situation and so are likely to handle it in an honest, open and supportive way. And really that's all you can do.

[marmite157]

My DD's biological father has never been on the scene, in fact he's never met DD. So whilst I didn't choose the situation it is in effect very similar.

At nursery or school she made a card for me on Father's Day as I was mum and dad.

We are open with each other about it and she can openly talk about it with no shame or embarrassment, which I think comes from the way I have approached it with her.

I can only think of one occasion she has been upset because someone at school asked her why she didn't have a dad, this wasn't till she was 10. I think younger children are very accepting and don't question situations like adults do.

[witchmountain]

Been puzzling over this avocado because it does somehow seem as though we are all missing your point, as though there's a point you're making that we just can't see.

I think what you're saying is you're worried you child might not want people to know so it's almost not for you to tell people. The thing is that at that age they all know about each other's families and think nothing of it. The only reason a child would not want people to know is if you suggest that perhaps it's best if people don't. Your attitude and reactions will be what establishes how they feel because you are far more of an influence than the odd comment outside the home. If the child already feels ok about themselves then there might be the occasional upset but it's not going to be devastating.

I have thought quite a lot about this because I grew up somewhere with quite a homogeneous and stable population, where the vast majority of children went through the entire school system together, so there very limited opportunities for reinventing yourself along the way. You would never not be the donor conceived child. I honestly don't think it would have mattered. It would just have been one of many things that were known about me but not given any particular significance by my peers. If children are going to be nasty they will pick on anything or make something up, the donor thing won't be an issue unless you make it one.

With regards to gossip, if you're open there's nothing left to say. The most people can do is speculate about why you made that choice and there's not much mileage in that conversation. What's likely to be much more interesting is that you're not open about it.

[CheerfulMuddler]

I don't know if this will help, but i read an interesting study of children of same-sex parents. It said that although they WERE picked on for having gay parents, they weren't overall picked on any more than the children of straight parents. I.e., they got exactly the same amount of teasing as everyone else, but the other kids got it for being called Hugh that rhymes with Poo, or having a stupid pencil case, or whatever.
I wonder if this is the same. That your kid might get some comments, but if it wasn't about this it would have been about their name or their shoes or their red hair.

[Scrumple]

If it helps, I've been an LP since my child was born as the father decided when she was two days old (funnily enough just after registering her birth together, so giving him PR!) that he no longer wanted to have a child.

No contact. No money. Don't have a clue where he now is. Yet he still has PR... Ridiculous.

DD is now nearly 10 and I don't think I've ever been asked grilling questions like you describe. A few times, such as at medical appointments or enrolling her for school, I've been asked for the other parent's details but I've either put a big X through this if on a form, or just stated 'there isn't another parent involved' when asked in person.

I think everybody has just accepted that and not asked any further questions.

Only my close friends or some family members have asked for exact details, but in a supportive/sympathetic way.

Honestly, please don't worry about it.

Oh and for Father's Day and things my daughter just makes me a card at school. But otherwise the day gets pretty much ignored. We treat her absence of a father very matter of factly. We talk about how some children only have one parent. Some have two. Some have step parents. Some live with foster parents. Some have two mums. Some have two dads. Some have only a mum. Some have only a dad etc etc etc

[Hopeful25]

Hi witch and shoes :)

Thought I would post as I can see where avocado is coming from.
I'm 8 weeks pregnant from iui and my family and close friends have been very supportive and non judgemental .

I want to be absolutely upfront and honest with my child but my mum has told me to think about what I tell other people as parents can gossip, kids can overhear and kids can be cruel. I don't want my child to be bullied or teased and I also get the point about the child may not want all and sundry to know about them.

I think I'm happy with who knows and I'm still considering detail I tell my child as they grow up( I will be honey from start but you don't go into details about sex with a little one for instance) and then what I will say to strangers . I like no father involved .

I did have my doctor push me three times though in recent appointment so into the end I said there is no father I used donor sperm and she was oh right I was trying to see if he knew so could support you. To be honest the doctor was patronising and annoying on a few different things not just this but it gave me a taste of how some professionals can lack tact.

[Nan0second]

I really like the "he hasn't been involved since conception" or simply "he's not involved" line.
Factual, true and has none of the ?"juicy" details. I would agree with above posters that people generally don't need to know and also that only half of children have a traditional set up by school age.
It's worth having a practiced line mainly because people ask about dads routinely as part of general chit chat (but like the weather!) so you could feel harassed whereas the reality is they are making conversation...

[Rockhopper81]

I'm a teacher too and am currently planning to be a single parent - I don't think I understand your hesitancy to tell the teacher that there is no father? You don't have to tell details, just the "he's not involved" or "hasn't been involved since conception" statement. You say you're concerned about things at school, yet are reluctant to tell the people who can help your child at school. I think I'm missing something too...

I do understand about it being their news to share though - it's one thing for you to be fine with it (which I plan on being - I'm very matter-of-fact, so that's just the way it will be), but your child might feel differently. Chances are though, if you're confident and 'own it' (not sure about that phrase, but can't think of a better one at the moment), your child will just accept it and be as fine with it.

[Churchillian]

I'm in my 40's and have never met my father and he's not on my birth certificate. I did acquire a stepfather when I was 7, but was always aware that he wasn't my dad. It hasn't ever been an issue (apart from not being able to answer medical history questions) and it's always something I've been open about and my family too. I wouldn't overthink this - just treat your situation as normal and I think your kids will too.

[siftingflour]

my kids are older so I've been through primary school
I STRONGLY believe that the parents set the scene. It's not the kids information when they're young, any more than it's the kids information that they have grandparents and cousins. It's a fact about them. If you don't treat it as a fact, if you treat it as something optional, you run the risk of them thinking it is something not run of the mill and normal, but something they can choose to 'hide' ... because hiding is an appropriate 'dealing' mechanism.
when they were four a supply teacher asked my children if they had a dad, and when they said no, insisted that they must and went on and on about it. to my absolute pride they said to me afterwards with incredulity - she thinks everyone has a dad! She's so silly. DOesn't she know that some people have donors.
The donor world has been their normal world. If other people don't get it they explain it. They treat other peoples incomprehension or questions as the other peoples problem, not a problem for them to deal with.
Also at primary I told all the teachers,offered them resources etc to help them. b ut there were loads of other single parents around.
And if an adult asked me about being single I'd just say the dad has never been around, and no it's not much harder, in some ways it's easier (which is very true).
my kids have been able to handle their story since they were four years old without my intervention. I'm quite proud of myself and them for this.
PS Top tip, make sure that they know others who were conceived the same way, or at least have other family set ups. My kids think lesbian, gay couples, single parents, heterosexual couples etc are all normal. They think that's how the world is. They were shocked the other day when they heard something on the radio about banning gay marriage - they just don't get why they should be a problem because their godmother is gay (and has donor conceived children) and since they were little I've tried tot each them as much as possible about diversity.
sorryabout typos. can't be arsed to correct - too early in the morning...

[siftingflour]

the other thing to add, is that if you are open with your children at home and treat the information normally and speak about their conception - you will not be able to control what the children say in public. For example, I wanted to be a bit discrete, but if my four year old shouted out on a bus, "Mummy: did you choose our donor from a big book" I had no other choice but to say, "Yes," and own it because if I didn't own it in public then the kids would pick up that I was hesitant. Also at school, if the kids are confident about their story they will probably mention it to others and if they do that in front of other people you may be unintentionally outed.
My philosophy was that it is my role as a parent to clear the way for them as they walk through the world, and if making their path clear involves owning my story and shaping an environment where they have the resilience to deal with their own story, then I'd have to put any hesitancy aside and go for it.
Also, I should add, that after talking to some considerable number of women, I have noticed that the people who say the decision is up to the child are largely - not always, but largely - often shifting the decision onto the child so as not to deal with it themselves. it is a convenient approach, is what I'm saying.

[siftingflour]

sorry! I shouldn't type first thing in the morning!. If you own your decision at home and your chid is little- four or five - they will speak about it in public, because they'll think it's normal. And if you don't clear the way or own it for them, or show them how to deal with questions or not help them walk into a world where these issues have already been discussed (e.g. by telling the nursery teacher, having books about diversity in the classroom, mentioning it to their friends parents, even telling their four year old friends chripily, well we don't have a dad in our family) your child is going to be ill equipped to deal with a world where questions may be asked.
BTW I noticed that lots of kids were quite impressed that my children got dedicated 100 per cent mum time. And loads of kids are quite envious of kids with lesbian couple mums because they get TWO MUMS. Imagine that! TWO MUMMYS. what could be better!

[sleepingdragon]

I came on here to say basically the aame as the excellent post by siftingflour.

OP have you done the talking and telling workshops run by DCN? I think it might address some of your concerns and give you a space to talk in a supportive environment- the worshop is fab

[siftingflour]

Also agree:

1. If you're open there's nothing left to say (there's nothing like truth and openness to kill gossip) and
   
2. If the doctors are patronising that's their problem. Also the doctors might not be patronising. My doctor - an Irish Catholic - was so amazed when I told him what I was doing - and was so full of annoying assumptions about career mums - that I wrote him a five page document to help guide him through any other single women using donor sperm. He was fascinated by the end - and actually gave me 1000 pounds of IVF drugs for free on prescription (he said he wasn't meant to, but we should give it a bash and see if there was any comeback. There wasn't).
   
3. If a fact is out in the open it looses all it's power and people often forget it. One of my friend has a child conceived with an egg donor. I have known thing from the start. I talked through the whole pre conception decision with her multiple times. But even now I think, or he looks just like his mum. Or, I wonder if he got that from his mum. Or, no wonder he's smart, he's mums so clever. I forget, and I know a lot about donor conception. People forget.
   
4. Your mum might not know a lot about donor conception... or the world of donor conception... so while she may be giving the best advice from her limited knowledge, that doesn't mean that it's the best advice to give someone with a donor conceived child.

[alltheworld]

They don't have a dad. If necessary, add I had them on my own. Any further questions.....silence.

[alltheworld]

Agree with sifting on being open with dc but disagree this means you tell everyone about the donor from start. You tell your child first and then disclose gradually to others as you continue to develop your child's story with them in an age appropriate way. You tell people, they will tell others and not in a way you might like. Details of conception, natural or otherwise are nobody's business.

[Ficklemarket]

The family tree thing is unusual and more than likely there are plenty of other kids with only one parent.
School should be well able to deal with it sensitively. My dd is at Catholic school and we have almost as many "non-standard" family arrangements in the class as "standard" (whatever that means)

[siftingflour]

Sorry: very last post. And I promise not to do write far-too-early-in-the-morning posts again.

OP: this struck me: "Plus I do live somewhere a little 'conventional' (although possibly may be moving but we'll see smile) and I know there would be unkind gossip. I can live with that but don't want my children to."

I understand that you are trying to protect your children. And having a child in these circumstances is much harder than living in a trendy area of a metropolitan city.

However, I do think that if you (or anyone, not just you) is going to have a child in this unconventional way then part of owning the decision - part of the decision - is making sure that you can go through with all of it, and all of it includes being as brave as possible even in difficult situations and shaping a word in which your child will be comfortable with their origins.

the downside of not owning your decision and not being open and not clearing the way for your children as they go into school or go on playdates ... is that they will most certainly be the subject of gossip (why is she single? asking your children where their daddy is etc) and you will always have a secret that you will worry will be uncovered, and you will live in fear of your child being upset by others if s/he unintentionallylly says something to someone who doesn't know (which s/he will, unless you teach them it is something not to say, in which case you are teaching him/her that it is something extraordinary that needs to be handled with care).

Fortunately, a conventional british (I'm assuming) town is not a muslim country (Islam does not allow DC). People may be gossipy but the law is on your side, and actually politeness and liberal values are on your side. Other people will have to adapt. And if you brazen it out they will adapt. It's amazing what you can get away with if you are confident. And people are often grudgingly respectful.

the most miserable donor conceived parents I've met are those who think that if other people find out they will take it out on them or their child, and so try and contain the information as a protection mechanism. I've seen a woman twist herself in unhappy knots about this, so scared of the information becoming public. In her case she didn't even tell the child in case he told others - but even if she had told him, she would also have had to tell him not to tell anyone. He will grow up with a corrosive secret. I can't see how this is worse than not brazening it out and cleaning the way for the child to walk into the world.

[HerOtherHalf]

I grow up before IVF or fertility treatment was first perfected. I remember "test tube baby" being used as an insult. Times change though and IVF and sperm donation is as everday as fish and chips. There is nothing unusual about it and anyone that finds it unusual has the problem, not you or your kids. If I were a parent of an IVF child I would explain how the nature of their conception is absolute proof of how desperately wanted they were. If i were an IVF child and one of my peers tried slagging me off I would point out that I know I wasn't an accident, how sure are they? If I was a mother and someone asked when their father left, I would just laugh and say, "I would guess about 5 minutes after he filled the vial".