How do I leave a narcissist?

[mamatothreebunnies]

20 years together. 15 years married. 3 kids. Spent years thinking I’m the crazy one with depression and anxiety but I’ve realised he’s a narcissist who’s emotionally drained me. I can’t do it anymore. How do I prepare myself for the separation? I have my own (new) business which he is tied up in too. We have a mortgage. I’ve put up with it all these years, I can do a bit more if it means preparing myself properly. I’m absolutely heartbroken for my kids as I vowed to never break our family, but it’s unfair on them to have a mother who is so hurt on a daily basis and ultimately I cannot go on. Any tips and suggestions welcome.

[Mumof3confused]

You didn’t break it - he did.

Prepare for the worst and get everything in order. Don’t have savings? Assets?

Take copies of all documentation nd keep it somewhere safe outside of your home where he can’t access it. Your passport too. Birth certificates, bank statements, anything you can find re pensions, assets, salaries, bonuses etc.

Speak to a solicitor about moving 50% of any savings to a personal acc - he will likely cut off your access to anything he can.

Get yourself into therapy.

Good luck. It’s a rough ride but worth it.

[Quitelikeit]

See a lawyer

you can claim benefits - turn 2us has a calculator it will tell you what financial help you will get

Dont give up on getting away

[CurlsnSunshinetime4tea]

it doesn't matter what you call it or why the relationship is unhealthy and you don't want to continue it.
it's not better long run for the kids to witness unhealthy communication techniques and skills.
yes start by seeing a lawyer, i'd suggest you frame it as being for business purposes as divorces generally get messy.
who do you have for support and do you have close family in the area? how old are the kids?

[JKM66]

If he is doing it to you I am sure that he is doing it to the kids too. After it is done the kids will love you more for it. Prepare yourself for the worse though and don't do anything yet until you have put things in order. When people get divorce they become angry, resentful and very often turn to evil especially the narcissist . Do not move money around without purpose as when it comes to finances it will show that you have been planning this (you have to produce 12 months statements of all your accounts). Don't try and kill yourself make more money until this is over as it will be shared later on anyway.
Then start the divorce online. It will take a bit of time so the sooner the better. Go to mediation for finances. If it doesn't work then you go to court when you fill in the form A and send it to the court. At this stage if your finances are complicated you have to find a layer with a fixed fee. Mine was £2000 plus VAT. You will fill in form E and your layer will check it and submit it to the court and to your partner. Then see how it goes.
Hope this helps a bit.
Good luck.

[mamatothreebunnies]

Thank you so much. Really helpful.

does anyone know what happens to children custody? I’m already living a single married life, as in, I do 100% when it comes to the kids. He’s never changed a nappy, made a bottle or cooked them a meal. How would he then have them once we’re divorced? I’m so worried and anxious about that. Will he demand to have them? Or take them away on holidays? He literally wouldn’t have a clue what to do with them. They’re 2,7 and 9. I would die with anxiety knowing they’re with him and he’s clueless about looking after them.

[CandidHedgehog]

He could try for 50 50. You should discuss how likely he is to get it with your solicitor.

By the sound of it, you should go in insisting on 50 50 and talking about your plans for your free time. He’ll insist on EOW to prevent you carrying out your plans. This is sarcasm but you know you STBX - could this work?

[BookArt]

Regarding the children, in any way possible gather proof that you are the main carer. Then when it comes to custody you will likely be the main carer as they will try to keep the status quo for the children. That is what I was advised and my ex wants 50/50. Document any behaviour that is questionable.
Get all documents out of the house like passports and birth certificates, either copies or photograph others. Don't forget to get any special memory things like photos and other things out of the house too, my ex is keeping all of my digital photos hostage.
It's hard making that leap but it will be worth it. Wishing you luck.

[mamatothreebunnies]

Our entire WhatsApp convos are proof of how he can’t do xyz and leaving it to me. He never once made a bottle or changed a nappy. Even if someone asked family, neighbours and friends on their opinion they’d all say the same. School runs, parties, school shows, all me! Someone told me today why and how I do what I do all by myself. I wanted to reply “because he fu*#ing won’t”

my biggest fear, and one making me think I should stay for the kids, is the thought of sharing the kids, the holidays he’d take them on, the outings etc. gives me anxiety to my core as he is so incapable. at least if we stay miserably married I’d continue to be with them 100% of the time. At least for another 10 years until the kids are leaving home.

[JKM66]

mamatothreebunnies I can not talk about children as mine are adults now but both have told me that they wish I had seen this sooner and divorced him way before so they and me could have had a better life.
(If he is useless, he might not be that keen of taking them on holiday. )

Good luck you know what is right for you and your children.

[RBush22]

@mamatothreebunnies

Our entire WhatsApp convos are proof of how he can’t do xyz and leaving it to me. He never once made a bottle or changed a nappy. Even if someone asked family, neighbours and friends on their opinion they’d all say the same. School runs, parties, school shows, all me! Someone told me today why and how I do what I do all by myself. I wanted to reply “because he fu*#ing won’t”

my biggest fear, and one making me think I should stay for the kids, is the thought of sharing the kids, the holidays he’d take them on, the outings etc. gives me anxiety to my core as he is so incapable. at least if we stay miserably married I’d continue to be with them 100% of the time. At least for another 10 years until the kids are leaving home.

I feel like you are in the same dilemma as me. I don't know what to do - i hate the thought of the kids being with him and subject to his incompetent "care". E.g. how on earth could they spend overnights with him if my daughter screams "NO" when he wants to read her a story and he has never ever given her a bath?

[WinkyTinky]

Just to say I know exactly how this feels @mamatothreebunnies I'm drained beyond belief. Just his presence (when he bothers to be there) makes me feel exhausted. I know that I need to deal with it and make a decision rather than rumbling along. My eldest is about to go into his GCSEs so I have to hold off, but then I've been putting it off for years now, so I can't make this an excuse. It will never ever be the right time. Of course, DH thinks he's great, and gave an Oscar winning Dad Of The Year performance at parents evening last week. I could have screamed. If only I tell people what it's really like at home. I really hope you find a way to start again with your kids. I know it's harder for you in terms of custody as your children are younger than mine, but still you must find a way to live a happy life. I see lots of women commenting that their useless husbands have miraculously worked out how to be a decent dad once they're forced into dealing with being a single parent, maybe this will happen with yours? I really do feel your pain though, OP. All of this is so hard, but you are not alone

[BookArt]

I felt all these feelings too. Only got out Feb 1st, and my kids are a LOT calmer and happier now they aren't around that atmosphere. We have more fun and quality time and I am still stressed (because of the way he is acting) but I am in a much better headspace and the children are shielded from so much more of it now than before. As i feel better than before I can be there for the children, I'm more present and able to make decisions about tiny things that would have been a problem when I lived with him. I also don't want my children thinking that is a healthy relationship, I'd rather they see me single and happy.

If you do choose to leave then grey rock him (best advice I read on here). He now is acting the way i always wanted him to with the kids, he's fun, planning acitivites to do, given 100% attention when with them. So the kids are better off.

But it infuriates me!!!!! Haha!