How to deal with an angry ex who accuses me of behaviours she is showing?

[ConfusedHusband100]

Very brief history - together over 20 years, 2 kids. She wanted to leave start of last year, no attempt to fix marriage. Equal blame - we had both withdrawn from each other and became toxic. I do think with time and counselling we could have had a chance of fixing it but who knows. I was dead against divorce at the time. Divorced last year and Fin Order done. I thought I would be the jealous one causing trouble for the other but no.

Lots of small things, especially double standards, like going mad when I told her DD had met new GF after a couple of weeks (accident as she popped into pub and met her for 30 secs) - told her as thought it the right thing and she went crazy. But when she introduced someone to kids did not bother telling me. Told me I must never put pics of "that woman" and kids on FB, but then she does it with him?

Lots of name calling and abusive messages, throws in the term gaslight, narcissist, control a lot yet she is the one getting angry with a simple question. I get told off for taking control over divorce (yes, I did, someone had to) then told of for letting her do it all with Fin Order.

Final nail was the other week. Told me out the blue that next season I cant take my son to away football games on her time as she misses out on time with him. Fair enough but she then said (he will be 16) that he can go with his mates though. So that means if I am going as well, he will need to get train/lift with mates rather than with me? Makes no sense. So when I said that DD cant do football on my Tuesdays (yes, I am petty and am just reacting) I get slated for that and stopping her doing what she wants, even though that impacts on my time with her as rather than come home from school she goes to mums then gets to me about 830pm.

She has posted s**t on social media about me and when I confronted her was told to "get over it". She has given her story of events to mutual friends and some of my family and keeps banging on how I fleeced her in divorce even though it was a 50/50 split, she agreed to it, her solicitor did and the Financial Order court did too!

The only comms is now on the WA group with kids as I am fed up being spoken to in this way so blocked email and WA direct. Trouble is I am now dreading looking at messages and am struggling to bite my tongue and not lash out.

All I wanted was a distant yet civil relationship and there has been some give and take with swapping days with kids but it seems to stem mainly from her request to change rota a few months back. It was originally setup after holiday/new house and was fine, but because her blokes rota with his is out of sync I am expected to change (she even said to me if roles were reversed she probably wouldn't change it) and because I said no she seems to be punishing me more.

[R41nb0wR0se]

I think you both need to step back and stop weaponising your kids in your war against each other. Could some mediation help? You could do it shuttle style, where you don't even have to be in the same room. You really need to try to develop a civil relationship for the sake of your kids.

[RedStripeypillow]

Yes, whatever has happened until now needs to be put aside and you need to start afresh. Put the children's welfare at the top of your priority and seek mediation. Really listen to each other and agree some ground rules.

[ap1999]

How old is your other child OP ? I see your DS is 16.

[CeeceeBloomingdale]

You no longer have a relationship with her other than the business relationship of co-parenting. You still have a relation with your children but this might not be for much longer if you continue to behave in this way. Forget the tit for tat bitterness or what she said. Rise above it and take the moral high ground. Set a good example to your kids. It sounds as though the kids are young adults so communicate with them directly. Finally do not punish your children to get at your ex, the comment about stopping DDs football on a Tuesday is sickening behaviour. You're the adult, act like one.

[Anameisaname]

My ex is pretty resentful still and we've been divorced 8 years.
The kids are older now and so we don't really communicate at all other than the odd occasion. We just arrange stuff directly with kids given they are older it's fine. The schedule is set, so there's nothing to discuss they just rock up to each house each week.
So for example, why enter into dialogue with her around football matches? Son decides he wants to go to a match, he chats to you, you are going too so you give him à lift. Or he decides he wants to hang out with mates on the train, he does that instead. Who cares. She literally won't get involved beyond week 1 I promise you. DS won't let her.
On the social media shit ... I think the Queen nailed it with "recollections may vary" and just leave it at that. Block her on all SM, don't even read it. Not worth your time. Not engaging is the best way forward. Any friends who believe a SM post and don't discuss with you are not worth having as friends anyway.
Just stop talking to her. Talk to your kids. If the change in schedule suits you then change it otherwise leave it and then just stop engaging with her on stuff. Block her if necessary. There's almost nothing to say when they are 16 years old assuming there's no other issues with the kids

[SheilaFentiman]

She’s being unkind, yes.

At this age, it might be that DS wants to go to the football with his mates rather than a parent sometimes. If he goes with mates on her weekend, then that means he doesn’t go to football with you and then want to go out with mates, perhaps?

[Luckydog7]

Indeed. Yes she's been a hypocrite, but you haven't been great yourself, petty, using the children against her as revenge.

You need to stop communication at all apart from practical stuff with the children. Any thing else or as soon as it gets toxic needs to be shut down cooly, hang up or grey rock. Communicating in writing only might cool things down. Block her on social media, it really doesn't matter what she is saying about you on there. You sound like you are just winding each other up. Stop getting caught up in the drama.

[SheilaFentiman]

Out of interest, why did you say no to changing the rota? Would it mess up your working pattern?

[Jonathan70]

Cut communication as much as possible - use email to communicate anything necessary re kids.
Keep all communication short and to the point. Don’t get drawn into an argument - return to main points/facts. If you don’t agree with something, put something like - you are entitled to your incorrect opinion of me’, you are entitled to believe your version, etc. Don’t defend yourself against anything. Don’t react, don’t retaliate. Stay emotionless. The less words you use, the less there is to mince, change. The reaction is what she’s after, so don’t respond. Don’t respond on social media and don’t post anything she might react to - or stop posting altogether. Basically, don’t play the game. Let her do what she likes, it sounds like a lot of nonsense and drama - don’t be part of it.
As for what she says to anyone else - who cares? Those that matter won’t believe it and if you don’t react or respond but continue doing the best you can by your children, others will soon question her version of events. Go to the football matches and offer to drop him and his mates back or whatever is good for your child. She can’t stop you from watching, even if she is there, and your child will appreciate it. That’s what they will remember. If there’s no reaction, she will soon bore of it. Don’t reply to anything that doesn’t need a response. Good luck.

[Kelly51]

My DP would still be going through this with ex wife 9 yrs down the line if he hadn't made the decision to communicate direct with his teenage DC, he hasn't spoken to her in over a year now. The vitriol and attempts at alienating the DC were exhausting and detrimental to his MH.
Get out the whatsapp group and deal
with your kids direct, you've nothing left to say to one another.