What prep to do before legal advice please?

[Laundrylaundryeverywhere]

I think D/S is on the cards.

Financially I’m in a steady job with a good pension. We own our house outright.

He won’t leave. He’s said if I’m unhappy I have to go - so leave him and DC or uproot DC too 🙁

I need to get legal advice but can’t afford it so will get the half hour free for now. I want to make the most if the half hour.

What do I need to prepare? What key questions should I ask. I feel totally out of my depth here.

Before you see anyone gather together all the financial information that you can for you and DH. Regardless of what is in whose name, income, savings, mortgage, house value, value of anything of note (eg car), debts etc etc.

Have an idea of what you think will be in the best interests of DC regarding living arrangements and why.

Have an idea of where you are likely to disagree/what he's likely to die in a ditch over.

Read everything on Mumsnet.

Go to the appointment with any specific questions that arise from all this. Eg is there any reason why 50/50 and CMS maintenance would not apply? What if he refuses to buy you out of the house?

If you own your house with no mortgage and have a steady job then surely you can afford decent legal advice or, at least, afford to take a loan out to finance this.

The free sessions won't really help.

Decent job in the sense that I can pay bills etc. I won’t be living on the breadline but will be tight.

Thank you. That’s really helpful.

Do I need the history. He had a lump sum to put into the house. I paid the mortgage for years. Now it’s jointly paid.

If you can't afford to see a solicitor, how are you going to proceed with a divorce?

Your 30 minutes free, its going to be pretty generic - obviously still go but I have a feeling you'll be expecting a lot more for free than what will be on offer.

Is it worth looking at mediation as a solution to your finances not affording a divorce before you proceed to a solicitor? With the idea that if you have the framework of an agreement - then you'll not have expensive letters to and fro deciding each and every aspect of the divorce

Key info would be Length of marriage, ages of children and current schooling arrangements (including any special needs), overview of assets (property, pensions, savings including jointly held) and liabilities (loans,credit cards etc). and a rough idea of what you want ideally in terms of custody of your children and financial arrangements and where you think he'll won't agree.

The 30 minutes isn’t going to be much more than them explaining what they can do service wise. They won’t give you actual specific legal advice. It will be generic and sweeping. An explanation of the process and their potential role in it.

Why don’t you read up on the process and see what applies to you. Chances are you aren’t that special or unique of a case. Most people aren’t till they make themselves one.

Mediation, which you pay for, will be a better way to make him come to terms with your decision and what it means for him. At some point one of you needs to buy the other out of the property or you sell it. In general most people reach one of three compromises when separating

1. they live together until they have agreed the finances because it is too expensive to run 2 homes.
2. the person who decides to end it, moves out. This is common when there is a low place to go (parents or affair partner) or you have lots of money
3. the primary carer stays in the family home with the children. Again there needs to be an affordable means to pay for another property.

There are very limited circumstances in which you could force him to move out if he doesn’t want to. And it isn’t in his interests to move out or in your interest for you to move out.

Unless you start communicating with him, and mediation can achieve that, you won’t avoid legal costs. And 30 minutes free time isn’t going to help.

I am not sure how it all works but thought I’d get as much ready and get as well informed as I can in preparation. I’ll look into mediation.

Thanks

Bloody hell. It really is a shit situation. He’s so volatile and it’s so stressful living with him I just can’t handle it. I don’t know if he’d want to buy me out. His parents would help financially. My options are pretty bleak. No rentals available.

I’ll start by figuring out what our financial situation is.

What ages are the children? Who's the main childcarer?

year 7 and 9.

Its 50/50

the rental situation is the same for him. If neither of you can buy each out then it will get sold. You can then either buy or use the capital to rent.

If you want to look into a mesher order - an arrangement by which the sale is deferred until you can buy him out - it will involve a legal fight. There is little chance of him agreeing to that without a court order. If you have a lot of capital and an income it is probably a long shot anyway.

Neither of us have enough capital to buy the other out. His parents could afford to loan him the money though which might be an option. I’m not sure he’d want to stay but he might. That would be my ideal as I can see a few small houses I could afford and would be happy enough in.

I think he will probably get part of my pension which is depressing.

In case it can help - try seeing if the information on these free help guides might be able to help you figure out what you need to do/what you can do - https://iamlip.com/
I used this when I couldn't afford a solicitor so hope this might be able to help you xx

The co-op do a service where you pay £500 , get some legal advice and then if you need more they will let you know the costs in advance. I found it really helpful - I still have £100 in the pot and it means you can carry on with the same solicitor.

Thank you so much. 🙏

He will be entitled to half your pension and vice versa. I was married and hubby had drawn his pension but was still entitled to half of mine. I thought it was crazy.