Coercive control post divorce with children

[Westworld1234]

Hi

Looking for some advice for a nightmare situation.

I divorced my ex husband 4 years ago due to his coercive control/ emotional abuse. Although the term is used too much now I truly believe he is a covert narcissist and has continued to rage war on me since we separated. As he no longer has control of me this now targets my parenting and most sadly our child.

My ex has continued to patronise, belittle me and criticise my parenting since we divorced . He will often try to maintain power and control by not responding to requests on email for many weeks .

More recently our child has been telling me that his dad speaks negatively about me to him , will criticise me and my decisions. Our son has said he feels his dad is trying to manipulate him but he feels scared to tell him he doesn't like it when he is unkind about me ( he is 9 years old ). I feel absolutely heartbroken for him that he is in this confusing situation. He often seems conflicted, for example he will call me a liar but then unable to justify why he has called me this . We actually have a great relationship and he is very loving and speaks openly to me .

So my question is

1. How best to deal with above as I am so worried about impact of above on my son ( thankfully I don't care less what my ex thinks about me personally but I do care when it harms him

1. How best to deal with the continued coercive control ? A recent example is he hasn't responded to an email sent 3 weeks ago regarding my son getting counselling. My son is really struggling but unfortunately I need consent from his dad too and I feel so powerless

I am considering getting legal advice but unsure how much they will be able to do without going to court , which I would like to avoid as fear will just increase conflict and make worse for my son.

Thanks so much x

[Ifallelsefailschocolate]

I would make an appointment for counseling together with your son first and seek advice from them ? The rights of the child is paramount here , not his manipulative self serving father.

[LemonTT]

Why do you need his agreement for counselling?

Just do it and allow your son to resolve any issues he might have there.

[Redruby2020]

@Ifallelsefailschocolate

I would make an appointment for counseling together with your son first and seek advice from them ? The rights of the child is paramount here , not his manipulative self serving father.

No, not advisable for someone who has been or is abusive.

[Westworld1234]

Thank you yes unfortunately consent is required for both parents x

[LaurieFairyCake]

Consent is not required from both parents

You can either take him to a private therapist or go through your school for mhst work in school or you can take him to the GP for referral to camhs

You absolutely do not need consent from both parents

[JanFebAndOnwards]

Do school have any concerns about your son’s well-being? Does he want to continue seeing his dad?

Is it the counselling provider who requires both parents’ permission? Have never heard of this before in the UK.

Read “When Dad Hurts Mom” by Lundy Bancroft (available for free online).

[Mumof3confused]

Why do you believe consent is needed from both parents?

[JanFebAndOnwards]

@JanFebAndOnwards

Do school have any concerns about your son’s well-being? Does he want to continue seeing his dad?

Is it the counselling provider who requires both parents’ permission? Have never heard of this before in the UK.

Read “When Dad Hurts Mom” by Lundy Bancroft (available for free online).

Sorry have just realised it’s his first book Why Does He Do That? which is available free online.
When Dad Hurts Mom is worth every penny though.

[whatsbestforme]

You shouldn't need consent from both parents... if one parent was unwell and couldn't give consent for example.
Ask a few counsellors...

[BookArt]

My 5 year old is now on the waiting list for counselling, I specifically asked did both parents have to give permission. She checked and only one is needed, this is through a charity. I would ask another counsellor if possible. And my ex would do the same as yours- ignore as it doesn't benefit him and knows it hurts me through the children, so I do feel your pain.

Document everything that your son tells you, keep a diary. I would seek legal support. My uncle went through parental alienation with his step kids and their father years ago. My uncle is telling me that you can't 'fix' the symptoms which is the kids and how they are naturally reacting to this behaviour from dad, you have to deal directly with the cause, which is that your ex is choosing to behave like this.

[Xenia]

Not perhaps too relevant to you but I just read this article a few minutes ago which might be interesting background reading https://www.lawgazette.co.uk/news-focus/special-investigation-greater-family-court-transparency-puts-expert-witnesses-in-the-spotlight/5119438.article?utm_source=gazette_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=150+judges+ready+to+hear+Rwanda+appeals+%7c+%27Popular%27+employee+constructively+dismissed+%7c+Rozenberg_04%2f22%2f2024