4yo angry / Kids stuff in 2 houses

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

Hi there

Two things I’ve been thinking of posting for advice so have cobbled them together.

Firstly and most importantly, we told our 4 year old (also have a 20 month old) that daddy would be morning to new house soon a couple of weeks ago.

STBXH has completed on house and we wanted DS to have some ownership of new bedroom, see journey of house being transformed etc. We think it will be a few weeks before he goes. DS was picking up on things being said about new house and was unsettled.

Since we told him he has been having extreme angry outbursts, mostly with me. Really looking for some advice to help him. I’ve tried reassuring and talking about the future. I’m hoping it all moves soon and helps him move on. But… he is obviously hurting so much. He doesn’t talk about it, not a great talker generally.

Considering a play therapist. Any advice appreciated.

Secondly… wondering about logistics of clothes and favourite teddies / toys across two houses. I’ve rebought a few of their favourite toys so they will have both…

What do people do about clothes & teddies?

Thanks in advance.

[millymollymoomoo]

I don’t think you can or should expect a 4 year old to be a great talker. They are young. They don’t understand and can’t process emotions or understand them in the same way as an adult. My suggestion would be simply to allow them, to say that you understand he’s unsettled and keep things simple and fact based ( and short)

eg, I understand you’re upset but you’ll see daddy very often and have you’re own room, how exciting! How about we go to the park now? Or mummy and daddy love you very much, you can chose some new things for you new bedroom in daddy’s house, won’t that be fun? If he says no don’t want to just leave it at that and they to reason with him.

once he’s actually going he will settle. Kids love in the moment and deal
with what they can see in front of them.

ideally your want him to have two homes- so clothes at his dads, clothes at yours etc rather than having to pack an overnight bag etc. one favourite teddy can move between houses as can one other toy of choice. Basically needs toys and clothes at each, that might end up being interchangeable!

[BookArt]

If he has favourite cars or figures then role play having two homes. We don't call them mummy and daddy's house they have nicknames, both are different colours (because of the colour their bedroom walls are painted). They have a bag to put they favourite things in, and clothes are supposed to go back in ... ex doesn't stick to much if this.
I think storybooks are the best way, amazon have a few good ones, we read then regularly and it has definitely helped my 5 year old.
The outbursts are directed at you as you're his safe person, be consistent. Once a new routine is established and consistency kicks in those big emotions will ease and rare up occasionally.
So hard, I'm not far into all of this. Can only do your best!

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

Thank you both for replies.

[EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness]

eg, I understand you’re upset but you’ll see daddy very often and have you’re own room, how exciting! How about we go to the park now? Or mummy and daddy love you very much, you can chose some new things for you new bedroom in daddy’s house, won’t that be fun? If he says no don’t want to just leave it at that and they to reason with him.
Whilst distraction can be a useful tool with young children its also important to acknowledge emotions without minimising them. Its very unlikely he feels excited about a new room or a new house. I might say something like. "Daddy and Mummy both love you very much and you'll be able to see lots of us both. I can see you're feeling sad/angry about this, would you like a hug/do some big stomps to match your feelings."

It might be helpful to tell him you've got some of his favourite toys for Daddy's house, or it may not be. You need to gauge his reactions, see what's helping him as its very individual. This is so hard on them and the actual move may well make the outbursts worse rather than better. Things may also cycle between periods where he seems to be doing better and periods where he's really distressed or angry. Its a long process. Stbxh moving out didn't stabilise things for the kids, but they did start to feel more secure once we had a regular routine in place and they'd gotten used to it so they knew when they were seeing their Dad and when they were seeing me.

My middle boy didn't benefit at all from talking about it beforehand, too many what ifs and not enough certainty I think. Whilst his brother needed to talk about it and liked me reading the books I got, 'Mum and Dad Glue' 'the invisible string', 'you make mum and dad super happy', mine are older though, early to late primary. There are some books that sounded good but I thought were too young for mine. I had a good look through the detailed replies on Amazon reviews of books on divorce for kids to chose the ones I did. My middle boy is very stoic about things. My youngest cries whichever parent he's leaving. They'll be a lot of big emotions and if you can afford it play therapy with the right therapist could be helpful.

Favourite teddies move between houses here, as does tech, clothes do come back and forth but usually only the clothes they're wearing. I split existing clothes so some stayed and some went to their Dad's house. Part of stbxh getting the house ready was painting their rooms a colour they picked out, they really liked him doing that. We had a few day times only before overnights. They really struggled being away in a different house overnight for a few months. It was overwhelming and they weren't sleeping well which didn't help their emotional regulation at all. It's important to see how your child is reacting to the strategies you use and adjusting how you're supporting them in line with the things that are helping them feel more regulated. Most importantly and hard as a parent, although you can support them and put strategies in place to help reduce distress there's going to be a lot of big feelings you simply can't protect them from. Be there, sit with them in the feelings, support them. its going to be bloody hard for a while for all of you, but you'll get out the other side of it, it just takes some time.

[VelvetDragonfly]

Have you spoken to STBXH about clothes and toys etc? Because you can figure out whatever you like, but if he's not on board with it there's nothing you can do about that.

Regards buying things, you're going to be doing majority childcare and have majority expenses, while STBXH will have less of both and just a small amount of CM to pay (small in relation to the costs of raising DC). I'm assuming he'll be having DC EOW. So let STBXH purchase whatever is needed for the DC at his house, instead of looking upon it as some kind of joint venture between you. DC should be returned to you in whatever clothes they leave your home in, washed and cleaned. Or at least those clothes returned to you in a bag, even if dirty. Even though they're for your DC, you bought the clothes so they belong to you. Same if STBXH sends them in clothes you didn't buy, make sure you return them to him.

It all will depend on what sort of person STBXH is. Ideally DC could take their favourite teddy, for example, between homes if they wanted to. But if STBXH is lazy or deliberately obstructive about ensuring things that came with DC are returned with DC, that's not going to work and you'd be continuously dealing with the DC upset over lost/misplaced/withheld toys. In that situation it's going to be better for you to send DC with nothing and leave STBXH to purchase an identical teddy for his place or not, in which case he can deal with the DC upset at being separated from a favourite toy.

Regarding the anger, it's fair enough IMO and I don't see why it should particularly be glossed over or minimised. DC didn't ask for his parents to split up, he didn't ask to have two homes and be permanently separated from one or other of his parents. I understand that if you need to split you need to split and I don't agree with "staying together for the sake of the children" because I think it breeds a toxic atmosphere. I see DC being angry as a normal and understandable response to a split though and don't see why they should be expected to be fine with it. DC will have to adjust to the situation and that includes their feelings about it. I guess you're getting the blame because as the one staying in the family home you're being seen as the one not letting daddy live there, regardless of who instigated the split or the reason for it.