Where do I start?

[NameChangeConfused]

Name change for this because I've posted before and frankly it's embarrassing that I've carried on in a dead marriage for as long as I have.

I've spent a very long time wondering what to do for the best... we've not had sex for years (I gave up initiating when I got rejected over and over) and actually I don't really care anymore. I do miss intimacy on some level but more the affection than actual sex. But we sleep separately, I have someone to help with the bills (I earn slightly more than him) and someone to share chores with. He isn't brilliant but I work full time so he does some (when he feels like it).

But he's either noisy and obnoxious, with me and the kids. Disturbing them when they're playing quietly by annoying them then getting cross when they get upset with him. Or moody and treats us with what feels like contempt. So I realise now that my and DD's (x2) are walking on egg shells and it can't carry on.

I've tried talking to him, saying it might be best to separate but he doesn't see why I'm unhappy and can't answer why no sex. I suspect ED but he refuses to see a doctor.

So I've decided to quietly start getting my ducks in a row. But where to start? Is it best to suggest separation first rather than divorce straight away? I know he will refuse to move out and I can't afford the bills alone so we'd have to carry on being separated living together but I just can't see how that works in a practical sense. I am the main care giver, my girls don't respond well to him especially if I'm there as they prefer me and youngest I suspect is ND so struggles with any change and has severe violent meltdowns which he is AWFUL at dealing with. Urgh, this is why I end up plodding along. It's too hard and I'm scared I'll make it worse for my girls by uprooting us, and having to split their time between us.

Would welcome any advice or tips, I've trawled some advice on law websites but most don't seem to start at the beginning. And yes I will get legal advice, that's on my to-do list but if there's anyone with a similar situation, would love your advice. Sorry it's so long, thanks for reading if you got this far!

[WinkyTinky]

Just to say I'm in a similar position OP and also feel ridiculous for still being stuck in my dead marriage after initially seeing a solicitor in Jan 2019. But you shouldn't feel embarrassed. It's very hard. I'm really here to see what answers you get, and I'm sorry I have no solutions to offer, even though I feel vastly experienced in researching what to do, legal advice, counselling, arranging to buy dh out, I still don't know where to start. I do have a telephone appointment with Relate tomorrow to ask how to approach discussing the possibility of separation with dh, and maybe more importantly with the kids (DS16 and DS12) who are old enough to see and understand that our home life is all wrong.

[Usernamewassavedsuccessfully]

We had a big discussion and both agreed to end our marriage. He refused to move out and moved into the spare room. I went to a local solicitor recommended by a friend and asked them to start divorce proceedings - they asked me lots of questions, then a few days later sent him the paperwork and the ball started rolling. It was all quite protracted and there was a lot of mediation. I know 'getting your ducks in a row ' is always recommended on here, but for me that was just putting off the inevitable so I just got on with it.

[LemonTT]

Like the previous poster said, the ducks in a row advice is quite hollow. There is no good time to split. Your relationship is dead. You need that agreed legally so you aren’t legally a couple any more. That bit is easy because you don’t need a reason or to apportion blame. The hard part and the bit that needs work is the money and child arrangements.

For a lot of people the money isn’t the over complicated nightmare posters make out. It can be for some but for many it’s dull stuff unless you make it battleground. If you both earn about the same then assets liabilities will be split fairly evenly. The ducks here are knowing all the assets. For average people that is equity in the house, some savings and pensions. The liabilities will be cc, financing and loans. Just basic household finances we are all familiar with. Might not be for some people.

The children spend time with you and time with him. If they are older they get to decide. If they are young it will be an arrangement to suit them. You won’t block his contact unless you have a very good reason if they are young.

[NameChangeConfused]

Thanks everyone for your input so far, I'm out at the moment so need to digest properly later and try and apply your wisdom to my circumstances. Part of the issue is just getting him to understand I'm serious about splitting and whether I make a start myself (ie the ducks) or try and talk to him again first. He has the potential to get nasty so I'm just trying to weigh up my next move. Thanks again and would like to keep coming back to this, I can see many wobbles ahead!

[Anita848]

I think you may need to re-evaluate how much you'd like to try and save the relationship because it doesn't sound like one that is healthy for you to stay in. Unless you believe he can change his ways, you and your children deserve to live in a happy environment away from this where you don't need to walk on egg-shells. You deserve better.
If you have any outside support e.g. family and friends, try reaching out to them too. It'll make it easier to go through this x
In the end, you have to do what is best for both you and your children.
Also if it helps - I used these free help guides to help me figure out where to start as I really couldn't afford to foot the bill of a solicitor. Maybe it can help you out with where to start and ease some solicitor costs if you end up needing one - https://iamlip.com/ - the first help guide can help you with how to 'get your ducks in a row'
Wishing you and your family the best xx