Surprised but I don’t want to have any real conversation with Ex H

[Verysad1978]

Ex husband moved out start of January.
I was pretty much always the party before then initiating conversations about what we would do, where we were at. Trying to make this work etc.
Anyway I’ve surprised myself by just not wanting to have any meaningful or proper conversations with him at all. He’s very angry - which makes little sense - but communication is terse and limited to children.
I fully expected that I would want to talk things though, to see where he’s at, to try and find closure or something. But I want nothing of the kind. I don’t want any of those conversations. I don’t care what narrative he has about it all, I don’t care about closure, I don’t care what he thinks about any of it.
I don’t think any of that is a bad thing but I wonder does it change?

[LadyTiredWinterBottom2]

Perhaps you have the closure you need already. It probably won't change. I suspect you checked out a long time before the relationship ended. If someone brings nothing to the table, there's nothing to miss.

I'm the same as you. I don't think ex has closure, even though he jumped straight into a new relationship.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

This echoes my experience very well. It didn’t change. I left him but it took me quite a while to get the strength to go and by then I was just done with it all. We didn’t have children which made things much easier but everything was done by email, the practicalities were pretty straight forward and we’ve barely spoken since. I didn’t hate him, I just felt flat and a bit empty.

Life improved quickly and I was so much happier once I was free. Wishing you luck.

[financialcareerstuff]

Honestly, that sounds excellent OP. It suggests you are successfully moving on!

I'm exactly the same with my ex, who I parallel/co parent with.

Zero interest in going over the relationship, and zero interest even in friendly chats about holidays etc. He would happily have warmer interaction and chat on the door step. I do what's polite, but am always just waiting to get on with my day. I think he would probably be shocked if he knew just how indifferent I was.

I care about his wellbeing and life purely as the father of my child. And the interaction, now, is relaxed enough to feel fine for the DC. Nothing more needed.

I'd say well done for disconnecting successfully- just keep it/get the interaction pleasant enough to feel comfortable for your child (just as you'd chat for a moment with a neighbour who popped round but you didn't want to stay), and you've nailed it!

[Verysad1978]

Thanks everyone. Because things were so fraught and so difficult for so long I spent so long crying and mourning and hoping and caring. And trying to get through to him, trying to talk, to open dialogue. But that was in my marriage. Now he’s gone it’s really staggering to me that 3 months down the line I just don’t want any of that. I don’t want to know what he thinks about any of it. The saddest thing in a way to realise is that I haven’t once missed being able to lean on him or get comfort or feel safe. Because I didn’t have that anyway. And now I don’t have the hope for it coming in the future.
It’s so different to what I expected that I am suspicious of it and wonder will I suddenly care so much and get upset but maybe it’ll just stay like this. I hope so.

I really appreciate hearing other experiences. Because it’s such an impossible thing to explain to anyone who hasn’t been through it.

[yawnanotherone]

I know exactly what you mean, though I am earlier in the process than you. it has been just 4 weeks since STBX said he has lost his job over an affair at work. It was like the part of me that ever cared about him switched off immediately and I haven't wobbled once.

I too had checked out because he brought nothing to the relationship any more and we were co-parents only. So I have nothing to miss as far as that goes. Don't get me wrong, I am furious and have all the 'normal' rollercoaster of emotions about the mess he has put us in, but I have stopped seeing him as a person of any interest to me.

I was wondering too if it would hit me one day, but it feels very much like a closed book already.

[CharleneRobertaMcGee]

I am so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. Almost 24 years together and we split up six weeks ago and all I feel is relief.

I very rarely give him a second thought and only in relation to the children. Early on, he kept asking if I felt lonely and I had to honestly answer that I feel less lonely than I did living with him. It's just so freeing and I hope this feeling continues.

I don't love or hate him, I just feel indifferent to him, after years of tears, grieving the marriage we should have had, I honestly think I've got closure.

Now it's early days and I fully expect him to try and financially fuck me but you know , it's just money and at the end of the day I can shut my door and be at peace from his crap. That knowledge is cheap at twice the price and I pay it happily.

[Verysad1978]

@CharleneRobertaMcGee

I am so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. Almost 24 years together and we split up six weeks ago and all I feel is relief.

I very rarely give him a second thought and only in relation to the children. Early on, he kept asking if I felt lonely and I had to honestly answer that I feel less lonely than I did living with him. It's just so freeing and I hope this feeling continues.

I don't love or hate him, I just feel indifferent to him, after years of tears, grieving the marriage we should have had, I honestly think I've got closure.

Now it's early days and I fully expect him to try and financially fuck me but you know , it's just money and at the end of the day I can shut my door and be at peace from his crap. That knowledge is cheap at twice the price and I pay it happily.

Yep. I expect the financial fucking to probably happen. Not because he’s a bad egg or greedy but there are issues there and I’m the higher earner. But I had same thought. It’s only money.
I want him to be well - I hope he is - I want kids to have a stable father. But the relief of closing the door, locking it, putting on the alarm. No issues, no drama, nothing.
Maybe I’ll feel differently if he takes up with someone new. I was somehow tortured about that before the left. But now I amn’t. Long May it all last.