Desperately struggling with divorce

[Mummyof320]

Hi, I’m desperately after some advice, I just don’t know what to do anymore and cannot cope with the stress of it all!! Please, please, please if you can spare the time to read and offer any advice, I’d be so so very grateful….

I have two main issues which I’m really struggling with, in terms of seeing it out of the other side of this situation 1) housing and 2) co-parenting struggles. 

1)with the housing issue, X wants the family home sold (I’m fine with this, I don’t earn enough to buy him out or to take on the mortgage,
I currently pay the whole mortgage - he has refused to pay and it’s getting me into terrible debt, so I want/need out ASAP). He is not interested in buying me out and he is adamant he is taking 50% of the equity -
minimal. I desperately need more than 50% equity if I have any chance of buying somewhere, which would ultimately be a 1/2 bed flat (far from ideal), but my solicitors seem to be charging me a fortune (spent all savings on fees) and it feels like there’s no light at the end of this tunnel in them getting me a better deal. My problem is I can’t afford rent for a 3 bed where we live, rent alone would take up 75% of my monthly earnings, and I pay all the childcare costs myself and I’m having to fight to get maintenance (I have the children 80% of the time). I have no friends or family who can let all 4 of us move in with them, and because of the equity from the house sale I wouldn’t be entitled to council housing. I’m hoping that I could be eligible for a mortgage on a 2 bed flat and that the monthly repayments would be less than £1500pcm. I’ve looked at moving to a cheaper area but we have 3 children, 2 are settled at school and I really don’t want to turn their lives upside down any more by moving them, I also have family support once a week which allows me to commute to work - mandatory to my employment contract. Moving away would take that away because it would need to be a good 1hrs drive to bring the cost down and then that would take away my family support and put even more pressure on my commute (train delays, childcare collection windows, costs etc). Has anyone been in this situation and has a magic answer on how to fix this??? I’m running out of borrowing facilities and the debt is spiralling… Please….. 

2)wow… co-parenting, I knew it would be difficult but this is something else. X changes his agreed days all the time; I’m trying to be flexible because I know I will need that flexibility myself at some point. X turns up at different times and moves collection/drop of times as and when feels like it. X also refuses to have children when sick and on “assigned days”,
if it’s half term, will want to collect at 10am, leaving me to struggle and juggle work until he arrives. X currently lives free with parents, and has collated childcare days with brother (who lives separately but moves into parents house on days he has his own children) this is to make sure all children are looked after together between them… X then refuses to take our children to their clubs on his weekends (clubs they’ve been doing for years) and X let’s brother co-sleep with our children (I’m furious - I challenge this but it’s always “a lie” from our children who end up being called names by him for telling tale’s). X has now started refusing to contribute financially to the costs of children’s clubs… X earns on average £150k net per year vs my £22k net (I gave up career to raise children).  X will sometimes only see children for 15mins on his allotted days, which I feel is really unfair on them and confusing, X will also tell me he is taking me to court for not enough access but then not want the children when they have to be closely watched due to an accident that happened under his care. X also takes my clothes for the children and doesn’t give them back to me, brings them home so exhausted due to constant late nights, and refuses to do any homework. I feel as though I’m getting a real rough deal financially struggling SO much (I cannot explain how much it stresses me out) and also such a hard time with lack of intention to honestly co-parent and put children’s needs/ routine first and just so disrespectful. 
How can I get this to change? 

Thanks for taking the time to read and any advice is really appreciated… I’m going out of my mind. 

[Strictlyfan74]

OP this is terrible and grossly unfair on both counts. He is having a laugh!!
Please get some advice, start with Citizens Advice for your rights, you may be entitled to legal aid, or you can speak to most solicitors for a free 30 mins. Your current ones sound rubbish. Starting point in law is 50/50 for finances but this will be adjusted due to the housing needs of your children. You may even need a Mesher Order to stay in your home til your children are 18? He will be required to pay you via CMS due to the difference in salaries, he is in for a nasty shock. You need to come up with a parenting plan, and set your boundaries in the best interests of the children depending on their ages. Again please get some advice.
I seriously can’t believe how some people can do this to their former spouse/children, it’s disgusting. He can’t have things his own way and the way you are getting into debt is not right. Stay strong and don’t be bullied.

[millymollymoomoo]

Put a claim in for cms

put a claim in for interim /ancillary refluxed ( maintenance)

tell your solicitor to stop messing around and get this to court asap

you would get higher than 50% equity- what about pensions too?

[Jonathan70]

Agree with @millymollymoomoo
Immediately apply via CMS which will allow you to cover your bills, help pay your debts and fees, and file to go to Court. You will get more than 50%. All the assets and debts will be considered. Call the mortgage company and ask for help - quote the mortgage charter, they can put you on interest only for a bit or give you a mortgage holiday, or something to help - explain the situation. He is affecting his own credit score behaving like this if the mortgage is held jointly.
A child arrangements order will outline an agreement he has to stick to. Act like you mean business. Put some boundaries in place. Best wishes.

[LemonTT]

The two obvious ways to bolster your income are CMS and UC. Have you put in claims for these? If not, do it. I think with his income you might only get the ceiling and you will have to litigate but get this done.

Have you had mediation yet and are you going to have it ?

As pointed out you the income disparity and the ages of the children will drive up your needs. Which means there won’t be a 50:50 split.

Your priorities need to be a child arrangement order and the divorce. The child support probably needs to be agreed within this. Ask your solicitor about interim support - going interest only is also an option but it comes at a cost.

Focus on what you can control not what he is doing as a parent. Unless there are provable safeguarding issues you are pouring mental energy into the wrong things.

A mesher order wouldn’t be unheard of in your situation for a few years. I would certainly wave the option around to get him focused on the reality of the situation. But it’s sticking plaster if you don’t have a plan to improve your income to become independent.

[bevelino]

The DH is well aware that he will be required to pay maintenance and ensure that his children have a roof over their heads. He is behaving in a completely unacceptable way to punish OP over the divorce and the fact that he will be made to pay. He should be ashamed.

OP, can you and dh, have mediation to help resolve his anger and behaviour towards you.

[WombTangClan]

Check any benefits entitlement too now you are living separately

[Mummyof320]

@Strictlyfan74

OP this is terrible and grossly unfair on both counts. He is having a laugh!!
Please get some advice, start with Citizens Advice for your rights, you may be entitled to legal aid, or you can speak to most solicitors for a free 30 mins. Your current ones sound rubbish. Starting point in law is 50/50 for finances but this will be adjusted due to the housing needs of your children. You may even need a Mesher Order to stay in your home til your children are 18? He will be required to pay you via CMS due to the difference in salaries, he is in for a nasty shock. You need to come up with a parenting plan, and set your boundaries in the best interests of the children depending on their ages. Again please get some advice.
I seriously can’t believe how some people can do this to their former spouse/children, it’s disgusting. He can’t have things his own way and the way you are getting into debt is not right. Stay strong and don’t be bullied.

He is definitely having a laugh and a great time at shoving it all in my face :( … I’m working hard on growing a thick skin!!

legal aid is a good shout. I selected my solicitors because they have a good reputation but I don’t really feel as though they are fighting my corner right now. They have said that because I can’t afford to cover the mortgage and all bills I wouldn’t get a Mesher Order and also because the law is very focused on “fair” outcomes for both sides, me staying in the house doesn’t meet this level of fairness…

I contacted CMS 4 months ago, but X lied about his living situation and me being honest on the form about not knowing where he lived screwed myself over. It’s taken months for them to “track” him down and get information from him, then he kept challenging them before they agreed on the payments and now he has appealed… a vast % of his earnings are commission based which makes the area grey and of course I’m very aware he could purposefully manipulate the earnings to have to pay less.

is the parenting plan you reference the government one? How do you get the X to agree… and stick to it. This is my problem.

It’s just so horrible. Thank you for your advice

[Mummyof320]

@millymollymoomoo

Put a claim in for cms

put a claim in for interim /ancillary refluxed ( maintenance)

tell your solicitor to stop messing around and get this to court asap

you would get higher than 50% equity- what about pensions too?

Hey, thanks for your post. Please see above re CMS.

ancillary maintenance is not something I’ve heard of, and so I will look into this.

I’m really worried about court - my solicitor fees have cost me nearly £10K already and court can easily cost that again. I’m out of savings and have no one who can lend me any money. I’m scared to goto court because my solicitors tell me that dads are winning every battle lately, and it’s not in my interest to goto court…things like his family fortune (there’s a lot) cannot be proven… they said pensions can be considered but that it’s their current value not future value and current value isn’t that great tbh.

[Mummyof320]

@Jonathan70

Agree with @millymollymoomoo
Immediately apply via CMS which will allow you to cover your bills, help pay your debts and fees, and file to go to Court. You will get more than 50%. All the assets and debts will be considered. Call the mortgage company and ask for help - quote the mortgage charter, they can put you on interest only for a bit or give you a mortgage holiday, or something to help - explain the situation. He is affecting his own credit score behaving like this if the mortgage is held jointly.
A child arrangements order will outline an agreement he has to stick to. Act like you mean business. Put some boundaries in place. Best wishes.

Hey, thanks for the post. CMS are not pulling through for me currently,… unfortunately there’s not a lot of assets, seems X was earning a lot more than I knew about and I really don’t know what it went on or where it went…

I spoke to the mortgage company last week and they told me I could pay interest only but I’d have to get his agreement… there’s no way he would agree to it… he won’t even agree to simple arrangements or give over or take ownership of the family dog. Everything is a game. Sorry to sound so defeatist but I feel so stuck…

What is a child arrangement order?

[Mummyof320]

@LemonTT

The two obvious ways to bolster your income are CMS and UC. Have you put in claims for these? If not, do it. I think with his income you might only get the ceiling and you will have to litigate but get this done.

Have you had mediation yet and are you going to have it ?

As pointed out you the income disparity and the ages of the children will drive up your needs. Which means there won’t be a 50:50 split.

Your priorities need to be a child arrangement order and the divorce. The child support probably needs to be agreed within this. Ask your solicitor about interim support - going interest only is also an option but it comes at a cost.

Focus on what you can control not what he is doing as a parent. Unless there are provable safeguarding issues you are pouring mental energy into the wrong things.

A mesher order wouldn’t be unheard of in your situation for a few years. I would certainly wave the option around to get him focused on the reality of the situation. But it’s sticking plaster if you don’t have a plan to improve your income to become independent.

Hi @LemonTT, yes have had mediation but it failed terribly, whole conversation was steered around his access and how he wanted fluid plans (basically see them when he wants, for how long he wants and not when he changes his mind), I couldn’t afford to keep the sessions going.

can you explain what you mean re: ask
solicitor about interim support?

wouldn’t I still be accountable for all the bills with a mesher order? My other issues is X let’s himself into the house and blocks the doorway if I try to shut the door. So I really am happy to sell and downsize, I just want to put a roof over our heads and everytime I voice this, I’m just told “yeah me to”, even though X will likely be given a free home (based on other siblings experience and family fortune).

I really want to be financially decent tbh, it’s just working out how to get there, when the outgoings are more than the incomings…

[Mummyof320]

@WombTangClan

Check any benefits entitlement too now you are living separately

@WombTangClan other than UC,
child tax credits and free nursery hours, that’s it… do you know of anything else?

[Mummyof320]

@bevelino

The DH is well aware that he will be required to pay maintenance and ensure that his children have a roof over their heads. He is behaving in a completely unacceptable way to punish OP over the divorce and the fact that he will be made to pay. He should be ashamed.

OP, can you and dh, have mediation to help resolve his anger and behaviour towards you.

@bevelino Thank you. I’ve tried mediation. See above it was a nightmare…. And so stressful, in-laws are very much their children can do no wrong, so no support there and Xs friends are very immature and some have experience in finding the loop holes. I would go back to mediation if I thought it would work and be worth the time, but it really wasn’t (for this situation).

[Mummyof320]

@Jonathan70 @Strictlyfan74 @millymollymoomoo

[Fellatfirsthurdle]

When I got divorced my ex had to pay my solicitor fees. A friend of mine had hers go into the overall financial picture so the ex contributed to hers as well.

The solicitor should be doing a child arrangements order which sets out days and times that you each have the children. They should be telling him he's being unreasonable and set out what would be fair. This can also cover child maintenance payments and set out any additional things he should pay for (e.g specific arrangements regarding buying school uniform, paying for school trips, clubs etc).

My divorce was 6 years ago now so things may have changed, but with a salary of £150k you could be entitled to spousal support.

[arethereanyleftatall]

The good thing is that your debts will go in to the pot too to be split. As long as you get the consent order before the divorce is finalised, everything goes in the pot to be split, debts, assets, savings, equity.

You have similar salaries as me and my ex op. We did go 50/50 on assets (which meant I got the house and he kept his pension which was equalish) but he pays me a hefty whack of spousal maintenance. The solicitor called it that, but really it just covers his share of all the kids costs, as I just pay for it all. I said to him, would you rather pay £x spousal maintenance, or I ask you for 50/50 every time I pay for eg ballet shoes, and he bit my hand off to just hand over the sm and have bo further need to think.

[RandomMess]

Definitely go for spousal maintenance, it will only be guaranteed for a year.

As he's hidden earnings and assets then it may be worth a forensic accountant.

Get the house on the market a judge can sign off if the ex won't.

Accept you cannot have a flexible co-parenting relationship with an abusive controlling arsehole so start saying no and grey rocking him.