This isn't really about me. It's not my divorce. It's my parents. I am 29 years old and I guess I'm the grown up version of piggy in the middle. Which is ridiculous because I have a house, mortgage, job, etc, and yet I feel like a helpless child.
Growing up my father was physically abusive to my mother. He would beat her and on one occasion I remember he threatened to throw her off our third floor balcony. I was awoken in the early hours by her screaming "no no I have children". I saw the altercation as my room faced the balcony. I banged on the window and then hid under the duvet. The next morning everyone was acting as though nothing had happened. This was a common theme growing up: violence followed by surreal "normalcy". He hit me once, and my brother several times. My mum has spent her life trying to appease him. Last year he said he was leaving her, and she was distraught. However, they remained living together. They're still in the same flat now.
I moved out to go to university and never looked back. I hated him for the violence and I hated her for being weak and staying put. I remember once we packed to leave while he was at work, but by the late afternoon she changed her mind and we had to unpack again.
I managed to remain distant from both of them for most of my adult life. I tried to have a relationship with my mother, but she was always talking about him, trying to draw me in, it was just easier to see them for birthdays and Christmas.
That worked until I bought a house. It needed a lot of work doing to it and everyone went on at me to let my dad help as he is a builder. I'm ashamed to say that I gave in as the cost and quotes piled up. At that point my mum hadn't said anything about him hitting her in years and so I kind of thought he was past that in his older years.
He moved in with me and DP temporarily and he was nice as pie. Friendly, charming, helpful, etc. Confided in me about his mental health issues and did a huge amount of work on the house, including re-wiring the house. However, he never finished the work as he had to go to do other jobs and we remain living on a building site. Then the Corona virus hit and here we are. I've since found out that he moved the fuse box himself, but he's not an electrician. So I feel anxious about addressing that in the future, especially as I know he had plans to move the mains power supply!! I know it's my fault for being so ignorant, but I guess I trusted him to know what he was doing.
Last week my mum's mum died. He chose this opportunity to remind my mum that he was leaving her and that he would have moved out already if he had had somewhere to live.
And to top it all off, when she was crying about her dead mother he came to close the door so that he didn't have to hear her and said that he was training her to live alone. The man is a stone-cold psychopath.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare, in a fog and I feel like a hopeless child. I can't have him back here of course, we'll have to finish the house ourselves, but my mum remains trapped in a flat with him 2 hours drive away and my blood runs cold at the whole situation. I keep having flashbacks to the balcony and I am terrified that he might finish the job. My brother is there, but he has learning difficulties and wouldn't be any help.
Please, someone tell me what to do.
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Divorce/separation
Such a mess I don't even know where to begin. Warning for violence.
Whatthefuckk · 18/04/2020 17:49
In my experience, these men rarely leave (unless for another poor woman).
It’s simply another way to inflict torture on their partners. I’m so, so sorry but you and your mum have had to endure this monstrous behaviour for so many years.
Please encourage your mum to get help – and please keep posting here, I’m sorry I don’t have better advice, but having escaped my own nightmare abuse story, I’m very invested in your mum escaping hers. I’m sure somebody with better advice than me will be along soon — sending you un-mumsnetty hugs 
Right your Mother is not your responsibility. If anything happens to her it is not your fault.
Here's my guess - your Dad have you a bit of help in return for living with you. Now he has created an unholy bloody mess, you feel weirdly guilty and drawn back into their drama.
I am more worried about your brother and in your shoes would ask SS to do an assessment.
If it makes you feel better I drew up in a similar situation and neither I nor my 3 siblings feel responsible for the violence our Mother received.
Your parents are codependent the violence and drama IS their relationship, it's all they've got.
They have fucked up enough of your life, don't let them take this part too. Good luck, you deserve better 
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