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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Help pls - ex using kids for contact and control

35 replies

Meeeh · 14/04/2020 23:12

My ex cannot leave me alone. He has kids every two weeks and half holidays. He constantly finds reasons to p contact me “about the kids” bit it’s generally either a) to tell me what I’ve done wrong or b) tell me how great he is.
I’ve told him repeatedly there is no need to talk unless it is urgent and he keeps doing it.
He is now also demanding more time with the kids as he has. I thing left to threaten me with. Says he’ll take me to court if I don’t go half and half. This would mean constant contact about bills and clubs etc. We have had a routine in place for over five years - surely he can’t just take me to court like that?!

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RedRumTheHorse · 01/08/2020 12:27

Are any or one of your children 13 or over?

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vikingwife · 01/08/2020 02:52

I wouldn’t block his phone number. You want evidence of him being unreasonable. I would get a burner phone & tell him you new number. Then leave that phone somewhere you don’t need to check it so often.

Ignore ignore ignore - if he wants to go 50/50 then let him take you to court. Chances are he won’t - but if he does, you will want as much text/email based evidence that he is acting unreasonably.

You do not need to respond to him - I would just ignore things like the history homework message. The more you respond the more he will expect a response. Stop biting !

The children are surely old enough to have phones, so a weekly update email is unnecessary - if they were younger might say that it sounds nice in theory. But it sounds like he would just write back it it & expect a reply.

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commentatorz · 31/07/2020 21:07

Just block his messages and emails, keep the inappropriate messages as evidence for court, you will want to say the children are settled into a routine, he works shifts, and this is about control and money.

Point out any correspondence he has sent you regarding bills, budget demands, inappropriate meddling in your life.

Did the mediator give a view as to what court would do? If it's only every other weekend and half holiday presently won't get 50:50, esp if he is working odd shifts.

CAFCASS will likely want to speak to your children for their thoughts and preferences. Try not to guide them - it's better if they speak naturally.

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Meeeh · 30/07/2020 14:28

Update: it is now going to court. Effing waste of time and money.

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Weenurse · 30/05/2020 23:39

What happens if he splits with new gf, who looks after DC then?

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Meeeh · 30/05/2020 21:14

Yes mediation meeting booked

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SoloMummy · 30/05/2020 06:33

@Meeeh

Update: he is now taking it to court. The world is on fire and he somehow manages to turn all focus on himself

Did you get a request to attend mediation?

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Weenurse · 30/05/2020 01:39

Also, spread sheet of all costs for a month, including all clubs, petrol, food, outings, outfits, rent, electric, water the works.
He will then know exactly what 50:50 will cost him, he may back down after that.
If he still wants to go ahead, make sure that he can’t cancel clubs if he doesn’t want to pay the extra, DC only cancel if they no longer want to continue

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Weenurse · 30/05/2020 01:35

How old are DC’s?
Are they old enough to be listened to by the court?
I know you said your eldest is a teen, but will youngest have their voice heard?

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Meeeh · 28/05/2020 00:02

Update: he is now taking it to court. The world is on fire and he somehow manages to turn all focus on himself

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Teenangels · 17/04/2020 22:25

My ex asked for an account of all the maintenance he provided. I did a spreadsheet for a month and included everything, shoes, new key, ice cream, petrol for school journey to school, phone contract.
It was over 3 times what he paid in maintenance and I asked if he would be happy to pay more.
I have an email my ex emails he thinks it is my primary account it’s not, it’s just him that has the address, I then look at it on a need to know basis it works so well.

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Nat6999 · 17/04/2020 22:16

Do what I do with my ex, direct all emails & messages to a folder that you have to make an effort to look at, look at it once a month & other times ignore it, phone calls, stick on speaker & do something else while he drones on, just make appropriate noises sometimes, scrubbing the toilet is preferable to listening to him & how brilliant a dad he is.

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Meeeh · 17/04/2020 22:00

@slipperywhensparticus you’ve just described my worst nightmare. The point here is that he is using this to have an excuse to have constant contact and control. I want him out of my life and ZERO contact other than the most important stuff about the kids.
My friend suggested finding a third party who is willing to be a go between and saying outright to him I will not communicate with him directly, only via this person. Even if we do it for the rest of the year, it’ll break the cycle and he might be more likely to temper himself if he knows the emails are being read by another person.

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AcrossthePond55 · 17/04/2020 17:48

I’m trying...

I know, and it's so hard. But often it's a case of 'fake it til you make it' where you have to tell yourself what you want to feel instead of feeling the way you are.

I had a nasty, heartbreaking breakup with a man. He used me and threw me out like garbage. And I had to see him AND deal with him every day at work as we worked in the same open plan office. It was killing me but I repeatedly told myself 'I don't care, I don't care, I don't care' repeating it over and over like a litany. And then one day I realize I really DIDN'T care.

Find your 'words' and repeat them, be they "I don't care", "I don't have to respond", or "Fuck off you nasty bawbag". You are stronger than you know and those words WILL become your reality!

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slipperywhensparticus · 17/04/2020 09:28

Do the kids have phones? When he sends messages like dd homework tell him to ask dd and repeat

Talk to your kids tell them dad wants them at his house more often if they are old enough tell them he wants to take it to court if they want to spend 50/50 with him there is no need for court

Make him aware 50/50 means he pays 50% of the costs you wont be subbing him he hasnt paid a penny over his obligations 50/50 will stop that yes but he will now need to pay for clothing clubs shoes activities in "his" time etc etc

he will be expected to actually see his children not dump them on the girlfriend because she wont like that neither will the kids

And you want set days too none of this spend all day at your moms then sleep at mine because it's my time bullshit either

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Meeeh · 17/04/2020 09:18

I’m trying...

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AcrossthePond55 · 15/04/2020 20:04

We have had a routine in place for over five years - surely he can’t just take me to court like that?!

Sure he can. And the correct answer to such a threat is 'See you in court'.

One person can take another to court over just about anything. But it doesn't mean they'll get their way. It's a pretty common threat because no one wants to have to pay money to fight a legal battle. So the person making the threat expects the other to capitulate.

As far as his 'demands', you don't have to respond to anything if you don't want too unless there is some legal order saying you have to. Nor do you have to listen to his criticisms. Put the phone down on him. Delete the email or text. Take back your 'headspace'.

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Poppinjay · 15/04/2020 19:46

He has previously asked me for a “report and accounts” of everything I have spent on the children as he felt entitled to this as he pays child maintenance.....

He's deluded!

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PanamaPattie · 15/04/2020 18:31

As PP says - it’s all about the money. He probably wants 50/50 because the girlfriend will do the childcare so he saves cash and doesn’t even have to spend time with the DC.

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Walkingtohealth · 15/04/2020 18:14

I’d be listing rent, heating costs, food etc for costs...fucking arsehole.

And the teenager is quite old enough to tell a court they are fed up with the questioning and that they don’t want to go more often.

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Meeeh · 15/04/2020 18:07

No the kids are fine with the way things are. If they miss him they phone him but this rarely happens. There are no issues as such, they’re just fine as they are. The youngest does not want to be away from me more.

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RandomMess · 15/04/2020 17:04

I think it's all about the money tbh...

Can you offer more flexibility with which nights they go so they are with him rather than his partner? Basically he now has free childcare so she can have them 50:50 and save him money...

Do the DC want to spend more time there?

You could offer 50:50 but insist on first refusal meaning if he isn't going to be there then you have the choice to have them before his partner does.

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Meeeh · 15/04/2020 16:23

There’s also a money issue. He has previously asked me for a “report and accounts” of everything I have spent on the children as he felt entitled to this as he pays child maintenance..... I did not provide this of course. Doing 50/50 he wants to discuss all bills. No thank you. In ty e past his partner has complained that one of the girls does a lot of clubs - even though all that comes out of my money. He pays me child maintenance and not a penny more for anything so don’t know why she’d be annoyed about club fees. Unless he’s lying to her. I don’t know and don’t care.

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Meeeh · 15/04/2020 16:17

I’ve given him more holiday already so he has quality time. He isn’t even always there when he had the kids at weekends as he’s working and the girls spend time with his new partner.

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Poppinjay · 15/04/2020 10:03

I would suggest he directs questions about their homework to them. It's up to them then to decide whether to respond. Alternatively, you could just always respond with 'Thanks. I'll remind her' and nothing else.

I think you need to be seen to be open to considering additional contact if he's asking for it but also to be led by the children's needs and wishes. Be clear that contact is for their benefit, not his.

If he works shifts, how would 50/50 work? Be clear about what the negative impact would be on the children. You could offer a flexible one evening a week instead if the children are agreeable to it. You could offer to support it but they can choose whether to go, depending on homework, time with friends, etc. That makes you look reasonable and flexible without the children being forced into something they don't want.

The courts probably wouldn't be interested in his history of missing appointments. You're expected to put things like that behind you and work towards finding a solution that works for everybody.

I know it's irritating and unfair that he suddenly wants to rock the boat but you needs to be seen to be doing the right thing.