Ex taking items from the home

[MG08]

Me and my husband separated a few months ago. Nothing has happened in terms of any divorce proceedings etc. He Literally moved out one day and we see each other a few times a week as we have a child.

He keeps taking items every so often from our home because he thinks they are his as he paid for them. Soon after he moved out he said he was taking the television, I said no because it belongs to both of us. He paid for it but I paid for the sofas for example. He then tried to take a speaker, I said no as it was gifted to both of us. Recently he came round whilst I was out and cleared the shelves of the DVDs. Granted some of these were ones he owned prior to our marriage, but he has literally taken them all, there were hundreds and some were gifted to me for birthdays etc. He would have paid for the majority as it was a sort of hobby of his to collect films, but I still believe they were marital purchases, as they were bought for both of us.

His view is what is his is his and what's mine is ours. I paid for all the furniture, appliances, decor etc in our home, so given his view of whatever we personally paid for is ours, I will assume the contents of our home belongs to me?

He always takes things like this when I'm out and will only take clothes when I am home to see what he's doing. He told me he was coming to collects some bits, if I'd have known what he was planning to take I could have gone through them in advance.

Am I right in thinking items like dvds are a joint ownership and should be discussed and divided appropriately? And in fact any items that were purchased during the marriage?

[sanityisamyth]

When I kicked my ExH out I basically said that he had one chance to take what he wanted and felt was his and after that I'd assume that everything else in the house was mine. He took lots of furniture (including the dining room table - it was his parents' so I didn't have a problem with it) but at least I knew that was the end of it. He left some stuff (cricket kit) in the loft which I threw in the tip and some paintings that I didn't like which went to the charity shop. It drew a line nicely!

Tell your H that he has had ample opportunity to take "his" stuff (whether he/you/both paid for it) and you are now assuming that everything in the house is yours. Anything else will be classed as theft.

[Palaver1]

Make your separation official go for a divorce.
For me I would let him take what he desperately wants unless you really need the items and start afresh .
Your taste your self chosen items handled and loved by you and you alone.

[MG08]

I'm not worried about the DVD's, it was more to get opinions on whether these were our joint items even though he paid for them. He has said I have done such and such which has caused our relationship to end, so I think he should be the one to start proceedings and incur the costs. I was going to file for divorce but now think I am in the better position to wait for him to as he has no reasons to give, and it'll be interesting to see what he comes up with.

[Yellowshirt]

@Lllot5 has hit the nail on the head

[Lllot5]

Stop worrying about a few poxy DVD’s and sort out the house and contact and maintenance with him.

[MG08]

I won't change the locks as I understand it's still his home, but I will stop telling him when I won't be in as he's taking advantage.

Ideally I would buy him out of our home but I don't think I can afford to, and he definitely won't let me have the house. His mum told him to make sure our separation was seen to be all my decision, so that it would be looked on as him being the victim and therefore being awarded more generously in terms of the house, money and contact with our child. This was her first response when he told her things weren't good, no advice about telling him to try and work things out etc. So I'm sure she's the one telling him to come and take all the things that he wants.

He definitely wouldn't come in when my mum was here, I assume he would wait outside until I was home, but again I don't want to get in and then chuck my mum out, she's the only person I can chat to. Recently I said I would be home late, I ended up finishing early so I parked my car elsewhere, and I saw him drive past the house to check I wasn't there. So I also feel uncomfortable in my own home even when he isn't here.

[MrsScrubbithatescleaning]

It's not a criminal offence to change the locks so that's what I did when my ex. left. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Also, whilst it was still new (and he was still feeling guilty about his affair), I got him to sign over the house to me.
Stop waiting for him to be reasonable, he's already shown you he doesn't give a stuff about you or your feelings by turning up unannounced and taking stuff without discussing it beforehand.

Take control of the situation and stop allowing him to walk all over you.

[Elieza]

You defo need to seek legal advice before you start changing locks. If you do it and his lawyer makes you give your ex a key then you’ve wasted all that money.

Can he collect his child from your mum after is work (if she does daycare, or from the nursery) himself and take her to his parents house to parent her until you collect her (or it’s time for him to bring her back to yours)?

He shouldn’t be in the house and you shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable. Can you imagine this continuing long term, total nightmare. The dc is three and you’re still having that idiot in your house, sod that.

When I split we went through everything in the house to decide who gets what. My stuff from before was mine. Joint purchases were split (you get the tv I get the CD player and microwave kind of thing if equal value). The rest we worked out by replacement cost as I was keeping it as he was going to his parents and had no place to keep a fridge or a sofa etc. For those I gave him cash for my half of the cost. Or swapped them for other things that were mine that I no longer liked.

You should defo discuss things and make sure you get your cd’s back. I’d be arguing for things he bought from his pay during Mat leave to be split halfers, as the only reason you didn’t have your full salary then was your joint child. But pick your battles. Fight for what’s important if he’s being a pain. Eg the rug may be yours but if he wants it and you don’t particularly like it now let him have it and you go after the picture that’s his that you really love kind of thing. You can swap stuff just keep it fair if you can. Rise above his pish.

[CharlotteMD]

MrsScrubbithatescleaning still in joint ownership until legally divorced so no, you can't just lock somebody out of their own home.

[IdiotInDisguise]

I would ignore the DVDs, they are nothing in the great scheme. Use whatever remaining good will to get to an agreement before everything gets nasty.

[vivapuff]

I'd ask for a few of the DVDs you really care about back (going through them together is not worth the trouble) in writing. If he refuses even that, keep the messages from future legal proceedings (although the DVD are really not worth much money).

I agree with others that if you want the situation to improve (no access to your house, better visitation arrangements which don't happen at your house) you need to get the ball rolling. The situation now is working great for him, so I doubt he will rush to start the legal process

[vivapuff]

You are leaving work early to hid in your house so he can hang out with your daughter but not have to face your mom?

That is bonkers. You are going waaay beyond a reasonable level of facilitation of contact.

In the short term, he can come see your daughter while your mom is there and she can leave when he arrives (yes, they will interact briefly but two adults should be able to manage this). In the medium term (as soon as possible!), you need an arrangement that involves him not have visitation in your house.

If he chooses not to come to the house when your mother is there that is his (sad!) choice but ultimately not your problem

[MG08]

I'm not sure what other arrangement would work to be honest. I've never wanted to dictate how often he sees our daughter, he's chosen to come every other day and he also chose to start leaving when it was time to get her ready for bed, he lasted a week staying until she was asleep. He has her one day a weekend 9-3 aswell. I hate it when he comes here in the evening as I feel uncomfortable in my own home but I don't know how he would see her during the week otherwise, he can't take her out as it's too late and she's only 1.

He also cannot do childcare when I am at work as he works full time, he just finishes at an earlier time than I do. He's not grateful that I make sure I finish work early, and on days when it's just not possible he gets annoyed that he can't come round, but that's his choice, our daughter is home, he just doesn't want to face my mum.

I know I am probably being passive but I'm finding it difficult, I think there were elements of emotional abuse and control in our relationship and even now he is blaming me for our separation for reasons which aren't even true. He only argues via text because I believe his mum is dictating to him. He can have a go at me by text then turn up at our house 5 minutes later and not say a word to me about it. I'm trying not to have any disagreements in front of our daughter which is another reason I take myself away when he visits in the evenings. I know its wrong but I'm currently letting him do what he wants because I can't deal with the confrontation along with just dealing with the situation. I need to toughen up I guess.

Should I ask him to return the dvds so we can go through and divide them? I know he'll refuse because he will say they are all his. If that's the case I will use that in future to say what I want to keep?

[doritosdip]

I would stop waiting for him to start divorce proceedings.

I would also stop having him round yours to look after your joint dd. He can do that at his (well at his parent's house)

Next ask him to make a list of what he wants to take. Check list. Arrange a day that he'll come to take it all. Moving it out in dribs and drabs is bollocks. This should have happened months ago.

[Isadora2007]

Why can’t he do the childcare instead of your mum and let you work? Why are you pandering to his pathetic demands? You sound incredibly passive- start being proactive and make a list of stuff you want and tell him to do the same. Stuff bought as joint will have to be agreed on or swap some bits you want for some he wants. My ex took our massive tv and our wood burning stove and our leather suite for example. I kept the other furniture pretty much. And bought the house from him.

[misspiggy19]

Of course you can change the locks. Just get it done! LHe’s voluntarily left the marital home and it’s your home now.

@MrsScrubbithatescleaning you don’t know what you are talking about.

[stophuggingme]

I couldn’t stand all this
Start the legal ball rolling

[IdiotInDisguise]

That should be so confusing for your DD and it is not going to work in the medium or long term. Are you going to be happy to have him around when you are fighting like cats for the assets? What if he gets jealous if you find someone else? Do you want your kid in the middle of such tension?

For the sake of your DD, you need to change that arrangement ASAP.

[PickAChew]

You need to change that arrangement, then. You can't just leave work early forever.

[MG08]

The only issue with changing locks is that my ex comes round 3 evenings a week after work to spend around an hour with our daughter before she goes to bed. He always let's himself in on these days, I finish work early (and often inconveniently) to be there as he won't come in when my mum is here (she looks after our daughter when I'm at work). So 3 nights a week I have to come home from work and hide myself away so he can have time alone with our daughter.

[Yellowshirt]

Get the locks changed. Its what absolutely everyone does. It will cost him to much to get a solicitor involved and if he gets aggressive you call the police.
You just have to say you lost your keys but it won't go that far.
I'm speaking from experience. My wife changed the locks on me.
Forget the dvds . There worth absolutely nothing. The hole contents of your house will be less than £6000 unless you have all the mod cons in the world

[IdiotInDisguise]

When exH and I split, I stayed in the house so I told him that as he was the one moving out, he could take whatever he wished. One day I came out earlier than expected and found him leaving the house with the car packed with stuff, he even had the cheek of emptying the fridge even when he had moved 2 months before.

I just told him that I was okay with him taking things but that I needed to be told what he was taking as I didn’t want to be looking for things around the house that were no longer there. He never did it again.

[champagneandfromage50]

Oh well whilst you wait for him to make the first move on the divorce don't be surprised when your return home one day and find it emptied. Your being passive

[Wallywobbles]

You need to prpetly sort out what's who's. Sticker all his stuff or simply clear all his stuff into boxes and discuss the rest.

[PanamaPattie]

Move everything small that you want to keep into your bedroom and put a lock on that door. Divorce him and reinforce your emotional boundaries before he strips the place bare.