should your ex only be issued with vouchers

[curi0us1]

Hi all, just a quick question, if you pay a huge amount of CSM to your ex, do you think this should be paid in vouchers for clothing, food, housing etc, rather than being paid in cash, reason being that it may be used in a manner not in the best interests of your children. thanks for your time

[Fiirefly]

My ex pays me £200 in the middle of the month as that's when he gets paid. That £200 goes on whatever I need for the next few weeks until I'm paid at the end of the month. Food, petrol, if I want to go out with friends, cinema etc.
That doesn't mean it isn't going towards what our child costs. I see it as reimbursing me for his share of what I've spent that month already. By the time the maintenance payment comes through I've already paid 100% of the nursery and breakfast club fees. I've already paid for the whole cost swimming lessons for the month and for her school dinners. She costs me the same every month and his share goes towards her upkeep. It doesn't matter whether I actually spend that exact £200 bank transfer on her or not, the fact is I've paid her nursery etc already by the time maintenance comes through. If he paid at the start of the month the exact amount he transfers probably would go directly to nursery, but his payday doesn't fall that way, so I reimburse myself for the £450 I've already spent sending her to nursery and swimming lessons etc.

Maybe your ex is doing something similar. At the end of the day she has 100% of the costs associated with being the resident parent. Does it matter if your money goes on the kid(s) or reimburses her for what she's already paid?

[Userplusnumbers]

I'm guessing that she's your ex because you were like this when you were together too. Financially abusive.

If you have issues with how your children are being treated then deal with it, but it sounds like your issues are more like your pissed you can't control your ex anymore.

[itsbritneybiatch]

My controlling exh made me provide receipts. I did just to see how it went down and low and behold he itemised them and said things along the lines of "I'm not sure she would of eaten all that fruit" and actually queried what I ate and what she ate on the list.

Funny enough I didn't provide again and then had months with nothing from him. Then he went ape when I involved the cms.

Vouchers are just another form of control.

The kids probably had crisp sandwiches as it's hot and it's hard getting them to eat most things in this weather. I would bet my salary their mum had tried them to eat other things and that the crisp sandwiches were not the only thing they ate for three days.

[BlueEyedPersephone]

If your children are being neglected then yes I see why you would want this, but it is not workable and is controlling. The only thing you can you is involve social or court if you believe neglect.

[Sparklyfee]

Eating crisp sandwiches is not neglect....not having anything to eat is neglect

[itsbritneybiatch]

I've just settled down with a prosec and put my jama's on (mini Kiev and home fries are in the oven) and thought "well this idea will go down well" and then I realised it's from last night.

Gutted.

Crossing my fingers for a parking thread or a CF thread.

This is not a good idea OP.

[Skyejuly]

WTAF. No. Vouchers would be useless for me.

[Cistersaredoingitforthemselves]

It's funny when it is suggested the father becomes the resident parent they become all flustered or ignore the suggestion. After my controlling ex h demanded I tell him whenever I had anyone to stay the night and pay 'rent' for those nights I suggested he had the house and the kids ( one with SEN) and I would swan off to live the fab life of a singleton- having the kids once a week for tea and twice a month overnight.....

Funnily enough he didn't take me up on the offer

[lifebegins50]

Do you genuinely not see that your proposal is controlling?

When you give money for charity do you check what it is spent on? I think you need to check your resentment levels as its not healthy.

Have you got a new partner?

[Notbeingrobbed]

What’s wrong with saving anyway. What about having some money put aside for when either parent loses their job? Or for when the OP falls under a bus and can no longer pay his paltry child support money?

Do you really believe the statutory minimum even covers half the expenses of housing, clothing, feeding and raising a child?

[StillNoClue]

If your only getting vouchers what happens if you want to take the kids to the zoo or the park and get ice creams. Ice cream men don't take vouchers. Same goes for supermarkets. What if you don't shop at tesco/Sainsbury/Asda etc, but buy from the local independent butcher or veg from the market. Things like public transport? They only take cash, I can't use a voucher for the bus to and from the primary school.
What vouchers would you agree are acceptable? Would you only allow vouchers for kids clothing stores? What if they need shoes and proper winter coats? What about when the kids get older and want brands such as super dry, jack wills. Would you allow vouchers for these places?
Csa for some people will cover the cost of bills/rent as well as other day to day expenses, so potentially childcare. My childminder won't accept fees in Tesco vouchers. She's paid by bank transfer, like the majority of people.
Maybe get your annual wage paid in part vouchers and see how hard you find it.

[mummmy2017]

Are your children under weight.
Do they have toys.
Do they have friends and seem happy
You need to realise that you are still their dad, just because you are not in the house does not mean all you need to do is have them every other weekend.
If you earn enough take them shopping and get them clothing, a hair cut what ever, pull up your pants and be a parent, it's not all done to mum. You have to pick up the slack as well, if you feel your children are not well looked after you are to blame as well... SS WILL BLAME YOU 50%.

[EveningHare]

hahah - if you paid me in tesco vouchers i would just buy vodka and sell it! which would double whammy you!

i think you're either a gf, or a very bitter person who everyone can see why you're an ex

My DB is like you, he thinks that money he deigns to give the mother of his children should be accounted for and only for the DC - dont worry about the rent she pays, or the bills she pays or the 24/7 care she gives his dc because he cannot be bothered to see them

i'm disgusted with him - and with you

[CosmicCanary]

Anyone else find it odd that how post was about how the mum spends the money and not that she apparently beglects their children?
Seems the OP controlling her financies is more important to him than child neglect...

[C8H10N4O2]

some good replies

A GF and patronising with it.

As Battleax says - if your children are in that tiny percentage who are being neglected go to court for custody. This probably isn't the best place to lobby to change the CSM to facilitate controlling ex's.

[curi0us1]

Some intresring answers, i do see the obvious flaws in this, and yes the issue with neglect will be escalated further, thanks for your time and comments, both good and bad.

[rainingcatsanddog]

Of course not. Say your ex was give. £100 in Tesco vouchers, she could spend it on £100 of food or £100 of gin. There's the obvious problem of how to pay a plumber or the school with vouchers or how a RP is supposed to calculate what percentage of CMS vouchers should be for each voucher. Life is such that you can't predict exactly what your expenditure for the next month will be.

If your children are being neglected then the only thing you can do is legally get more time with them. Many dads have 50/50 these days.

[StepBackNow]

If you genuinely believe that your children are being neglected report to SS and go back to court.

I suspect the reason you broke up was that you are a controlling man and you are still trying to control her. Back off.

[Imchlibob]

If children are being neglected then the NRP must take steps to get full residency to protect the children from that neglect. If they don't then they are colluding in the neglect and are an utterly shit parent.

If the kids are healthy, well fed, well clothed, well housed and happy then it is none of the NRP's business how the money is spent. The RP is an adult with the capability to decide spending priorities as they see fit and their ex has no right to control them.

If the money from the NRP is the RP's only or main source of income then obviously a lot of the money isn't going to go directly on the kids. If there is other income from a new partner or from a job then your concerns in your OP are even sillier. It's all one pot of money and none of it is "your" money. It is theirs.

So long as the kids aren't being deprived and neglected as obviously any good parent will put their kids needs before their own - but it is in the child's interests to live with a healthy, well fed, well clothed, well housed and happy parent too so obviously some of the money has to be spent on achieving that. If there's enough cash for frivolous spending then that's great.

[C0untDucku1a]

Do you want your ex to live in poverty?

[Kidssendingmenuts]

Also yes paying for a tank of petrol to take the kids everywhere and fixing the boiler to keep the kids with hot water for a wash and heating is the partners issue! If he pays csa then yes it can be used on that! It's for everything! Stop being so bloody petty

[pissedonatrain]

OP I think it would be a good idea for your salary to be paid to you in vouchers.

[Kidssendingmenuts]

It's not just about food and clothes, it's about keeping a roof over the child's head so it will be used for bills too! You can't pay csa and put a Claus in it on HOW you can spend it on the kids. That's bordering on financial abuse. All that matters is the parent paying pays for their children end of. If my x told me I couldn't spend it on xyz and tell him to go sling his hook!