Exh trying to meet 50/50 childcare arrangements

[samesh1tdifferentday]

My exh has been extremely cross since we split and tried a number of ways to make me suffer emotionally which I understand fully but hope it's not damaging the dcs.
We were married for 13 years recently divorced and have lived apart now for a year and a half.
He lives with his girlfriend and 2 children of hers and I win the family home in court simply by proving I could afford to pay the mortgage.this made him even more volatile and we now have NIL communication which is actually easier than trying and failing. I tried for mediation he wouldn't go and i have found myself having to let him try 50/50 childcare it works 2 nights in the week and 3 every other weekend.it is a lot of back and forth for the children but his girlfriend is nice and the children seem ok so far.
My question here on MN is does anyone have any experience with this. My main concern is that he is simply trying to get half of my benefits and stop maintenance completely with a view to me not being able to afford the house. I wish it was genuine care that he wanted it half the time he's not there and his girlfriend is looking after all 4 dcs whilst I am at home doing nothing.
Although this is a welcome break it isn't realistic and I hope she can keep up this amount of extra care to a good standard which I know is difficult long term especially as they are both trying to work. Surely come the school holidays this 50/50 isn't achievable as much girls are off for 8 weeks he is self employed so any days off are a double whammy as you are off work AND not earning ( he's not a high earner) and if she takes time off for 50% of the school holidays then she will have no holiday left to take. I am a full time student and can have all the holidays covered. I'm just hoping that if I give it time he can't take my finances from me on this basis because then it would be difficult to live in the family home.
Surely he wouldn't try and take this away from them again but I don't trust his judgement based on what he has done to us already. Any advice appreciated.

[Blackteadrinker77]

I helped him grow his business as he is a high earner

I'm confused, you said he wasn't in your opening post?

It reads to me like you wish to limit contact because it will reduce your money.

[samesh1tdifferentday]

I knew someone would pick up on that well done. Potentially he can earn high (40k) but reduced his earring to lower earning limit right before our court case for finances
12k pa this me receiving £80 a week for 4 dcs soon after trial he rented a five bed, went on holiday to center parcs for a week bought a new car and booked a holiday .... which is FINE I'm not jealous but I always said no we can't afford it now he's flashing it in my face

[samesh1tdifferentday]

Blackteadrinker my ultimate goal is to be self sufficient and not reliant on a single penny from him, I will do this once I build my career, I'm not scared of working after being at home for 14 years

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Of course I don’t have the stats. I’m going by my own experience and that of other friends who have divorced.

So you have no actual proof then.

[samesh1tdifferentday]

Seeing as he will have dcs 50% then I will at last be free to earn!! Hallelujah!

[samesh1tdifferentday]

Some people on MN I find are quite harsh surely we should be helping one another don't need to agree with opinions but surely be kind ,people post on here who are struggling!!!

[RockPaperCut]

Piglet what’s your problem?...touch a nerve, did I?

You only need to trawl through previous posts on here to see this as a common issue.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Piglet what’s your problem?...touch a nerve, did I

Ha Nope considering in our case it is their DM that abandoned them and pays no maintenance.

Anecdotal evidence is just that.

[RockPaperCut]

Piglet Well done you!

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Piglet Well done you!

well done me what?

[zippey]

Why not see it as a glass half full situation? All that free time to relax, use it to give yourself a break. In the other side you have ex working all hours and his gf getting frazzled.

But it seems like you want maintenance and he doesn’t want to pay any. If you really want the kids with you, have you thought about telling him he doesn’t have to pay in exchange for you getting more time with the kids? He might agree to this, certainly his gf might pressurise him into compromising.

It’s yup right to get maintenance of course but a bit of compromise and you’ll get more time with your kids, so you all come out winning.

[Blackteadrinker77]

The hardest thing is the mental side of it. You've been the main carer then all of a sudden they aren't there half the week.

It's tough emotionally, on everyone. It takes a lot longer than two months to get used to it.
Get your finances to a place where you don't need his maintenance payment. He can't touch your benefits.

[samesh1tdifferentday]

Everyone reads this differently but I do get maintenance!!! I'm not after it as I already get it!!!

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

This happened to me although ex was not earning.
He really did seem only to want 50\50 or 100% residence for tax credits etc.
When he did have he dc he just visited various friends and complained I had abandoned them when in fact I would rather not have had 50/50 as I felt the dc were better having one home to go to/from school from.
I was intimidated into 50/50 but after it went to court it returned to me having residence.
Court was v confusing from the outside as he had gone in asking for 100% but wanted to complain about how hard childcare was and he actually changed to having the dc one weekend less than before,per month.
At his request.
So he really only wanted 100% for benefits or maybe so he could move country with them.
He did leave country and now only sees them a few times a year.

I've never obstructed contact but I don't think the dc are as relaxed with him as it's so unfamiliar now.

Anyway he got child benefit for one child awarded to him but also tax credits for 2 children.that's on no evidence.

I got it reversed but it was stressful.
They ignored eg the fact I was the one booking and accompanying to medical appts, the one supervising homework etc.

Ex changed GP address for one dc and didn't tell me so when he left the country I missed out on letters from NHS.

He caused a lot of havoc.
I was definitely not trying to have dc with me more so I could live the life of Riley on a bit of tax credits.
He's never paid maintenance so that wasn't my motivation.

I wanted dc to have stability.

[samesh1tdifferentday]

I know thanks for that super proud! I know this is what's coming and I hope I can still do a degree alongside🤪

[samesh1tdifferentday]

If I could shove all the money up his a€#se I would do and have my dcs too

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

Not a degree but I finished my diploma while that was going on, then got a job I really like that works around the dc.
It's possible with persistence and with a lot of being kind to yourself.

[samesh1tdifferentday]

Onwards and upwards!!!!!

[Littlesticklebrick]

I’ve been reading posts on here and this is for Blackteadrinker77
You mentioned the emotional side of shared time with child/ children. I’m struggling with this and wondered what advice you had. I haven’t sorted out how we will do this properly but I feel so emotional thinking about it 😞

[Whatiwishfor]

I know when my stbxh mentioned 50/50, my solicitor said that instead of thinking of it as 50/50 it should be more about what what is in the best interest of the children. So don't mention 40/60 50/50 etc etc Talk about what works in practical terms and whats best for the children. Eg Monday after school till Thursday before school. Of course it may actually end up being 50/50, but that's not the best way to look at it. Kind of agreed with her. As it was it didn't work out anything like that!

[samesh1tdifferentday]

My exh WONT even discuss what's best for them he TELLS me what is happening so far I haven't said no to him in fear of an argument but had a bit of a breakthrough last night my best friend had a deep chat with the eldest and cleared a lot of ground.
It turns out she doesn't get to see either parent 1:1 and both houses are so busy that she just goes but doesn't really see EITHER of us.
I'm going to be brave and tell exh that she is going to stay with me 1 night a week when the others go to him for some time alone.

[TheOrigRightsofwomen]

How did you afford to buy him out of the family home if you are a student?

[samesh1tdifferentday]

I didn't but I pay the mortgage by myself and he will still get 50/50 equity at point of sale