Telling the kids he's leaving

[Gordonbennit]

Just after some advice on the 'daddy's leaving chat'

Our boys are only 3,5 & 7 should we wait till DH does actually move out then tell them, or tell them before hand to kind of prepare them for when the time comes. Iv read stuff on here regards to leaving out the details like reasons were splitting which I understand.

Generally anything important I talk to kids about or do with kids should I carry this on by me taking to them alone or should me and soon to be ex talk to them together about it?

What do you think? Do you think at that age they will even understand what we mean?

I feel really nervous and a bit sick about this up coming chat :(

[Gordonbennit]

Bit of a rant from me

I did some overtime at work so my brain is fried

[Keepingcoolwhenitshot]

Hi gordonbennit 👋🏻 Is your ex actually mine????? Literally identical behaviour from sulking on days out/ child centered activities to ignoring house work/ mess/ chores he deemed below him. He once refused to cut the children a mango as he said he hated cutting them up and so he tree two perfectly good ones in the binds there than cut them up then as we were going on hols and couldn't take them!!!!! Selfish and childish. He said the dishwasher was a pointless chore as it would just get filled back up so he refused to do it on point of principal!!!

Your idea of how to tell them was EXACTLY my plan and they are all over the moon to be returning to UK anyway. They knew we were all leaving this year just not that for them it will be sooner. I just worry that they will smell and rat and ask questions and then I will get left with answering tough questions. I do think getting them settled into a new life and then saying Dad actually live here will be easier on them in some ways. But will they then think we lied to them? It's really hard. Saw a therapist yesterday as obvs have no family here to talk to . She said be as honest as you can without giving reasons why. Hope your rant helped ! We all need them!!!

[Keepingcoolwhenitshot]

God sorry loads of typos! Have a small child on my lap!

[misscph1973]

Hi Keeping, what an awful situation! I can sympathise a lot, as I am not English, and although I am staying here, the thought of going home has of course crossed my mind, but I think DC would hate me for it, they are very settled here.

How long have you been abroad? It sounds like your DC still think of England as their home. I think they will be able to distinguish between moving home and their parents splitting up. I think it all depends on how you handle it. If you keep it amicable, then they should be fine, especially as they are so young - teenagers would be more likely to resent it.

I agree with the therapist, be as honest as possible. They don't want any nasty surprises, I'm sure. I think preparation is key.

Gordon, good rant ;) I feel the same, you have to keep reminding yourself of how it was, but at the same time you don't want to dwell on the past and carry bitterness with you. Maybe that's why it's so hard to divorce, because you have to do this balancing act in your head?

[Gordonbennit]

Hello all :)

At the moment I feel I need to keep the bitterness as he's dragging his feet moving...plus as the time approaches it would be so much easier for me to say - oh it doesn't matter it's too much heartache for
Everyone just stay and il put up with it. The bitterness is kept to strangely help me at the minute (that's prob sooo wrong mentally!) it's taken years for me to start sorting this out don't want to fall at the final hurdle and cave in.

The thought of your home must weigh heavy misscph a couple of my friends
moved over-seas then came home when the going got tough or their life changed. I spent a few years away and long for some sun, as though all my problems would be solved with the sunshine everyday! I know that's not real though. The thought warms me up. One admitted the move back was not the best long term decision for the kids and I know she secretly carries a lot of guilt about that, you staying saves that, your home is always there if you want it when the kids have flown the nest.

keepingcool sorry but had to laugh out loud at the dishwasher rant - what a thing to say it just needs filling again - that's the point of them - I bet you were banging your head off the wAll at that one, no shocker though I can quite imagine my STBX saying the same thing, if we had a dishwasher that is.

Like the others have said - our time is coming - im looking forward to the relief and evenings to potter around on my own at home (when kids in bed). You must be looking forward to having the support of your family/friends here which is a very positive thing

[misscph1973]

Gordon, I felt the same, I think my resentment and bitterness was necessary, otherwise I might have told STBXH to stay! You get to a point where you are no longer afraid of change, but everybody has their own moment, the last straw. I had been getting ready for years, I was really unhappy. STBXH knew that, he said when I told him it was over.

TBH I have been living away from my home country for too long, even with Brexit I don't feel tempted to move home. My sister also lives abroad, and so do many of my cousins, so living abroad is quite common in my family. My DC are too settled here for me to consider moving home, and I doubt that I would like it anyway - I like to go home on holiday and have my family visiting though. I'm off home for a few days next month, can't wait!

I do really enjoy living on my own now. It's very early days, and I do miss DC when they are at their dads. I am sure I will adjust, but today was very difficult, I felt like the worst was ahead of me. Up until now I thought that the worst was behind me. I have contacted a counsellor I saw last summer and I am starting again in 2 weeks. I would recommend counselling to anyone, it's well worth the money, I really got my thoughts in order after a couple of months. That and swimming 2-3 times a week has kept me sane in the last year!

[Gordonbennit]

Hi misscph. I intend to swim when/if I ever get any time to myself - I love how free it feels in the water.

Your trip home will be a welcome boost - I love the saying 'a change is as good as a rest' it's so true. I guess you're over the first hurdle of the split and the game has now changed - just remember how strong you have been so far, you still have that strength, a wobble now and then in your confidence is only natural. I did try a counsellor last year through a local charity but it was only 30mins a week - iv got years worth of shit in my head, never mind 30mins a week

[wobytide]

Kudos for considering your options but please do actually follow them through. I had the joy of being supposedly amicable and in agreement yet one day being called back 10minutes after I'd left for work to find my kids in pieces as they'd been told by their Mother whilst I wasn't there. But I've slowly come to learn that's how she operates so it wasn't really unexpected, and probably one of the least damaging behaviours she has

[Gordonbennit]

wobytide that's bad - no I wouldn't do that, what a shame she doesn't realise what harm she's doing, iv spoken to my soon to be ex about not taking spite out through the kids but time will tell for us. Dependant on the age of your kids but hopefully
They'll see through her head games eventually and realise your not the baddy

[misscph1973]

wobytide, that kind of behaviour will come back to haunt her. My DM vilified my DF when they split up, and it completely ruined her relationship to me, it's only after I had myself that we are on speaking terms. Best of luck - you can't change other people, but you can minimise the damage by never resorting to that kind of behaviour. My DF was actually the bad guy, but because he never took it out on my sister and me and never spoke badly of my DM in front of us, he maintained a good relationship with us - what went wrong between him and my DM was nothing to do with us, and he understood that. My DM could not let go and made her own life a misery for 10 years +.

Gordon, 30 min is neither here nor there. TBH I am wondering how I am going to be able to afford the counselling, but I am going to make it a priority, I try to look at it as an investment in myself and that means my DC. And I don't think I need years of counselling, a few months will probably do it. I felt so much better just after making the appointment!

Do try to prioritise some exercise, I know it's hard to find time, but everything else becomes less hard if you look after yourself.