Telling the kids he's leaving

[Gordonbennit]

Just after some advice on the 'daddy's leaving chat'

Our boys are only 3,5 & 7 should we wait till DH does actually move out then tell them, or tell them before hand to kind of prepare them for when the time comes. Iv read stuff on here regards to leaving out the details like reasons were splitting which I understand.

Generally anything important I talk to kids about or do with kids should I carry this on by me taking to them alone or should me and soon to be ex talk to them together about it?

What do you think? Do you think at that age they will even understand what we mean?

I feel really nervous and a bit sick about this up coming chat :(

[misscph1973]

wobytide, that kind of behaviour will come back to haunt her. My DM vilified my DF when they split up, and it completely ruined her relationship to me, it's only after I had myself that we are on speaking terms. Best of luck - you can't change other people, but you can minimise the damage by never resorting to that kind of behaviour. My DF was actually the bad guy, but because he never took it out on my sister and me and never spoke badly of my DM in front of us, he maintained a good relationship with us - what went wrong between him and my DM was nothing to do with us, and he understood that. My DM could not let go and made her own life a misery for 10 years +.

Gordon, 30 min is neither here nor there. TBH I am wondering how I am going to be able to afford the counselling, but I am going to make it a priority, I try to look at it as an investment in myself and that means my DC. And I don't think I need years of counselling, a few months will probably do it. I felt so much better just after making the appointment!

Do try to prioritise some exercise, I know it's hard to find time, but everything else becomes less hard if you look after yourself.

[Gordonbennit]

wobytide that's bad - no I wouldn't do that, what a shame she doesn't realise what harm she's doing, iv spoken to my soon to be ex about not taking spite out through the kids but time will tell for us. Dependant on the age of your kids but hopefully
They'll see through her head games eventually and realise your not the baddy

[wobytide]

Kudos for considering your options but please do actually follow them through. I had the joy of being supposedly amicable and in agreement yet one day being called back 10minutes after I'd left for work to find my kids in pieces as they'd been told by their Mother whilst I wasn't there. But I've slowly come to learn that's how she operates so it wasn't really unexpected, and probably one of the least damaging behaviours she has

[Gordonbennit]

Hi misscph. I intend to swim when/if I ever get any time to myself - I love how free it feels in the water.

Your trip home will be a welcome boost - I love the saying 'a change is as good as a rest' it's so true. I guess you're over the first hurdle of the split and the game has now changed - just remember how strong you have been so far, you still have that strength, a wobble now and then in your confidence is only natural. I did try a counsellor last year through a local charity but it was only 30mins a week - iv got years worth of shit in my head, never mind 30mins a week

[misscph1973]

Gordon, I felt the same, I think my resentment and bitterness was necessary, otherwise I might have told STBXH to stay! You get to a point where you are no longer afraid of change, but everybody has their own moment, the last straw. I had been getting ready for years, I was really unhappy. STBXH knew that, he said when I told him it was over.

TBH I have been living away from my home country for too long, even with Brexit I don't feel tempted to move home. My sister also lives abroad, and so do many of my cousins, so living abroad is quite common in my family. My DC are too settled here for me to consider moving home, and I doubt that I would like it anyway - I like to go home on holiday and have my family visiting though. I'm off home for a few days next month, can't wait!

I do really enjoy living on my own now. It's very early days, and I do miss DC when they are at their dads. I am sure I will adjust, but today was very difficult, I felt like the worst was ahead of me. Up until now I thought that the worst was behind me. I have contacted a counsellor I saw last summer and I am starting again in 2 weeks. I would recommend counselling to anyone, it's well worth the money, I really got my thoughts in order after a couple of months. That and swimming 2-3 times a week has kept me sane in the last year!

[Gordonbennit]

Hello all :)

At the moment I feel I need to keep the bitterness as he's dragging his feet moving...plus as the time approaches it would be so much easier for me to say - oh it doesn't matter it's too much heartache for
Everyone just stay and il put up with it. The bitterness is kept to strangely help me at the minute (that's prob sooo wrong mentally!) it's taken years for me to start sorting this out don't want to fall at the final hurdle and cave in.

The thought of your home must weigh heavy misscph a couple of my friends
moved over-seas then came home when the going got tough or their life changed. I spent a few years away and long for some sun, as though all my problems would be solved with the sunshine everyday! I know that's not real though. The thought warms me up. One admitted the move back was not the best long term decision for the kids and I know she secretly carries a lot of guilt about that, you staying saves that, your home is always there if you want it when the kids have flown the nest.

keepingcool sorry but had to laugh out loud at the dishwasher rant - what a thing to say it just needs filling again - that's the point of them - I bet you were banging your head off the wAll at that one, no shocker though I can quite imagine my STBX saying the same thing, if we had a dishwasher that is.

Like the others have said - our time is coming - im looking forward to the relief and evenings to potter around on my own at home (when kids in bed). You must be looking forward to having the support of your family/friends here which is a very positive thing

[misscph1973]

Hi Keeping, what an awful situation! I can sympathise a lot, as I am not English, and although I am staying here, the thought of going home has of course crossed my mind, but I think DC would hate me for it, they are very settled here.

How long have you been abroad? It sounds like your DC still think of England as their home. I think they will be able to distinguish between moving home and their parents splitting up. I think it all depends on how you handle it. If you keep it amicable, then they should be fine, especially as they are so young - teenagers would be more likely to resent it.

I agree with the therapist, be as honest as possible. They don't want any nasty surprises, I'm sure. I think preparation is key.

Gordon, good rant ;) I feel the same, you have to keep reminding yourself of how it was, but at the same time you don't want to dwell on the past and carry bitterness with you. Maybe that's why it's so hard to divorce, because you have to do this balancing act in your head?

[Keepingcoolwhenitshot]

God sorry loads of typos! Have a small child on my lap!

[Keepingcoolwhenitshot]

Hi gordonbennit 👋🏻 Is your ex actually mine????? Literally identical behaviour from sulking on days out/ child centered activities to ignoring house work/ mess/ chores he deemed below him. He once refused to cut the children a mango as he said he hated cutting them up and so he tree two perfectly good ones in the binds there than cut them up then as we were going on hols and couldn't take them!!!!! Selfish and childish. He said the dishwasher was a pointless chore as it would just get filled back up so he refused to do it on point of principal!!!

Your idea of how to tell them was EXACTLY my plan and they are all over the moon to be returning to UK anyway. They knew we were all leaving this year just not that for them it will be sooner. I just worry that they will smell and rat and ask questions and then I will get left with answering tough questions. I do think getting them settled into a new life and then saying Dad actually live here will be easier on them in some ways. But will they then think we lied to them? It's really hard. Saw a therapist yesterday as obvs have no family here to talk to . She said be as honest as you can without giving reasons why. Hope your rant helped ! We all need them!!!

[Gordonbennit]

Bit of a rant from me

I did some overtime at work so my brain is fried

[Gordonbennit]

Hi keepingcool

Obviously I'm no expert at this as haven't done it myself yet.....but would it be better to try to keep the move back here a positive thing, like 'we're going to UK here are the good things that come with that (insert great new life they will have) you will see daddy in a few months'. Then once you're back explain daddy won't be actually living with you or wait till soon to be Ex comes over here then explain that to them together.

It would be a shame for them to think they're coming over here solely due to a negative reason.

Perhaps circumstances don't allow for this and I'm probably over simplifying it.

It's a shit predicament to be in when I feel bad about it I'm trying to remind myself that....

he didn't feel bad when he was disinterested in our lovely children on days out and caused an atmosphere just because he actually couldn't be arsed to come to the sea side with us.
Or when he walks around the house ignoring washing, ironing, feeding/bathing kids etc just because again he can't be arsed and doesn't even view any of it as his job.

You say it makes you a feel a failure but you can only do so much in what is supposed to be a 50/50 partnership. If he is not stepping up and listening to your needs and showing effort then HE is the failure in this!

[Keepingcoolwhenitshot]

Following. Have to tell my D.C. 4,7 and 9 that we are separating. We live abroad and I am moving back to UK with them in a couple of months. My xh/ h / their dad will follow a couple of months after. Heartbreaking, gut wrenching but similar, my needs will never be met and I will never be 'good enough' for him in his eyes. So painful and makes me feel a failure too. Dreading telling the dc and wondering when to. Is two months too long for them to know?

[misscph1973]

Very similar here! We had a lot of hard times in our relationship, and I think on an unconscious level I was always thinking that when we had more money, when the DC were older, then we would have a better relationship. But of course this never happened!

I had to admit to myself that I was never going to get what I wanted out of the relationship. It was very hard to admit to myself, it felt like I had failed.

I hope you all had a good weekend. I have been working and I am picking DC up from XH this afternoon, can't wait to see them.

[Ilovecrumpets]

Gordon that’s exactly it - I don’t know why I thought one day he would change but I really did, for a very long time, and made so many sacrifices. thinking that one day he would put us first. I can see now we were in a very negative cycle.

I hope you are getting through the days OK. Once he has left it will probably feel a lot better, as then you can get on with actually dealing with it and helping the kids rather than having all these unrealised worries. I think you can take strength from the fact that you have taken the decision to leave - I’m not sure I would ever have been strong enough to do that. It’s only now I am out I can see quite how bad things were.

The other thing I am realising is it is ok to feel how you feel. I have had a lot of people telling me I should be angry, not to be pleasant to him etc etc. Whereas I feel like I spent all my anger and resentment in the relationship. And I think that is OK!

As I’ve mentioned on another thread my lovely friend who has been through this said to me ‘the sun will shine again’. I try it remember that when things seem really tough.

[Gordonbennit]

The negative pattern is where me and my STBX have been for, well I can't remember when it started really, I always imagined that life would be so different with him and kind of thought that....ooo maybe he's disinterested in Us this week but soon he'll come round...I always imagined one Sunday he'll jump of out bed 'come on family lets go out and have some fun!' But no, that was just my pipe dream. He was more bothered about having a lie in. I realised eventually he will never change, he always said his best was never good enough for me - but I learned over time that it was never actually his best he gave us, just as much as he felt like at the time.

Oh well I'v crossed one bridge telling him to go, many more bridges to come no doubt.

Its so sad that we feel sad but thank you for your input, I do appreciate reading how you've both felt and how you are managing the positives. I think I mourned the death of my relationship a long time ago but sure once the door shuts and he's out it will all come out again.

to you all - your kids will one day be so proud of the strength youve found I'm sure

[misscph1973]

crumpets, it's very conflicting emotions, isn't it? You know it's for the best and that you are on the right track, but it's also painful.

Now my XH is living on his own, he's doing all kinds of things he would never do for/with me. I thought I would feel really bitter and resentful, and I am a bit, but I am actually also feeling very pleased for him! We are both in our mid 40s and we both needed to grow/change, and it just wasn't happening with the dynamic in our relationship. So far (2 weeks) we are both really enjoying living on our own. There was so much tension between us, and we were so stuck in negative patterns.

[Ilovecrumpets]

missc that is exactly it - the detachment. For me it was so strange I just had this moment when I realised he would never give me what I needed, genuinely didn’t appreciate all the sacrifices I had made and was making for our family. I think he always must appreciate it really - but nope. It was when he wa telling me he was leaving - it was like a lightbulb moment and I just let go of any hope of getting what I needed from him.

Obviously it still gets to me at times and I am not a paragon of zen, but genuinely it was like a huge weight just lifted. To be replaced with intense sadness but that is in some ways easier to handle, because I know one day it will lift.

[misscph1973]

Agree with Ilovevrumpets, great analogy, it's certainly a process. This quote helped me immensely in the early days: "If you are going through hell, keep walking".

I also felt much better after we told DC. I didn't want to tell them before Christmas, but XH thought it would be best, and on the advice of some friends I agreed. And although it was hard and sad, it was the right thing to do.

Ilovecrumpets, I know what you mean with no longer feeling resentment or having expectations, I had that. When we were married (well, we still are, but we are separated) I had so much resentment towards XH and loads of unmet expectations. I no longer have that, and it's such a relief. I do still have my moments, though, if we disagree. But I try to look ahead and avoid retaliating if I feel attacked, as it only makes things worse. I am getting better at detaching!

[Ilovecrumpets]

Gordon that’s a great analogy re being pregnant! I will remind myself of that ( because although it remains challenging and the challenges change you do adapt and work it out!)

Good luck with telling the D.C. - am sure you will feel much better once it is done. I hated the feeling I wasn’t being honest with them before we told them. Also although it is really hard and sad and even though my husband was the one who made the decision - I do - most days - feel better at some level ( even with the sadness and fear about the future) as I have lost all the resentment I had towards him as I now have no real expectations of him. That was like a huge weight lifting!

[Gordonbennit]

Yes your right, as ever it would seem since iv been mum...one phase leads to another to another and so on.

At the moment I'm in limbo, like when you are pregnant for the first time. You know you will have a baby and when, but to actually imagine life with the baby is hard to do, until it's here it's not really real (that is what I found anyway, if that makes any sense!!)

Il speak to him tomorrow about all this anyway - you have all given me lots of food for thought, thanks for the hand holding!

Hope all your lovely children went to bed happily without a peep

[Ilovecrumpets]

I think the other thing that is hard, is just accepting the compromises you need to make when divorcing. So I hate having to be out of my house all Sunday and fill the day and also would rather be in my house than going to stay with a friend every other weekend. But I just have to accept that this needs to happen for a while - and my life will be less comfortable - as a consequence of separating. As misscph says I thinknitnis much easier to get your head round if you just focus on the kids and see it as a phase you need to get through on the journey of separation.

[Ilovecrumpets]

Gordon I am sure you will work out what is best. My husband also comes and does bath and bed two times during the week. Again I try to work late those nights, or meet a friend or just do something so he is on his own with them - although the first week I came back just in time for a goodnight kiss so they understood I would be there. It does seemed to have helped them knowing they still see their dad regularly and I have found it has lessened the chance of conflict between me and my ex being out ( and just accepting they may end up in bed later than I would like!).

[misscph1973]

I think at the end of the day if you DC are happy, then you stand a better chance of being happy. Your DC need both their parents, you have to step outside and look at the situation and see how you can minimise the damage. Part of that is ensuring that your STBXH has a chance to see his DC and also have a reasonable place to stay - it'sin your best interests.

If you work at doing what's best for the whole family, then you will feel better about the whole thing (I am sure you have feelings of guilt, regret, panic etc). Obviously do not sacrifice your self, but try to work out a solution that works for everybody.

At the moment I feel that I am bending over backwards to accommodate my XH, and the DC are blind to this. I grit my teeth and detach from all my anger and hurt from the relationship and focus on the future.

I did actually suggest "birds nesting", that's what you call moving in and out of the family home, to my XH, but he didn't like the idea. Personally I think it's a good short term idea, as it's expensive to split up and for younger children this apparently works well. I have a male acquaintance, he basically can't afford anything after he has paid rent for his flat after he moved out from the family home. He is so depressed and he is having trouble hiding it from the DC when he sees them. I really think that they would all be so much happier if they had rented a room for the parents to share while moving in and out of the family home, just for a year or so, and that they should have sold the family home and gotten new mortages for both of them.

[Gordonbennit]

Thanks for the advice..I think we will tell them in advance then so they can get used to the idea while we are both at home still to answer questions. Also you mentioning your son enjoyed helping with the move sounds good. They could choose some pictures for daddy to take to his new house and things like that...I hadn't thought of things that way before but sounds better than - daddys going and he's going tomorrow.

The overnight issue.

I see from two ways....they would love time alone with daddy.

I don't actually think he would have them all overnight at his.

The idea of me moving out for a night could work better though. I will put this to him later see what he thinks.

At the min he's been ok about things but feel as thought this could be the calm before the storm, I'm imagining in future when he alone in his flat the resentment might set in and him become awkward not wanting me to have any fun etc so I'm trying not to dictate too much about how things will be.

[GeorgeTheHamster]

Ah ok, so they will be with him together in the day, it's just the overnight in their own.

If you think about what they need (separately from you you want for yourself), do you think this is the best option for them?