Divorce settlement, legal entitlement vs moral entitlement

[RockPaperCut]

I have huge amounts of guilt over receiving money from stbxh. In my mind it is still very much his and he's been very good throughout the relationship of enforcing that idea. I had to ask for money, for items for the children, I often went without because I felt humiliated having to ask for xyz etc. You get the idea.

On one hand my solicitor is advising that every asset is included into the marrital pot, including a fairly substantial inheritance as the money was pooled within the marriage. He of course wants to reduce his liability as much as possible towards the dc and I.

So the question is would you go for half of everything or settle for far less, quickly, have lesser standard of living, barely managing to make ends meet whilst he keeps his lifestyle, assets etc.

[nigelsbigface]

Well he's probably in for a bit of a surprise there then I would have thought. I was told by two separate solicitors (my own who deals with 'normal' divorces like mine and a friend of a friend who is a solicitor in big money celebrity type divorces) that spousal maintenance is exponential-unlike child maintenance for which there is a formula below which there isn't much arguing (but which can be argued up depending on circumstances), spousal maintenance can be awarded in sums between not much at all and massive amounts-depending on the situations of the two parties, potential to earn in future etc etc.From what you have said you seem to be within your rights to request some spousal maintenance and would be likely to get it.
I found mediation very stressful. My h went into full work mode-he is very senior and obviously good at what he does or he wouldn't have got as far as he has-good at managing people and situations in a way that I am not-I work in a very different profession where it's more important to have empathy and listen. That showed up in the mediation but fortunately the mediator seemed wise to it and made sure I had chance to speak and called him out when he was not being factual/being bullish etc.
Good luck for yours.

[nigelsbigface]

Also-my h was also of the opinion that I didn't deserve what I was asking for. In fact he told several of our friends that I was trying to take all his money and still says that...made me feel bloody awful.But I figured better me feel awful and maybe have people judge me harshly (not that they are great friends if they do tbh) than be struggling financially for the rest of my life and have the effects of that pass on to the dd's.
And yes to getting it sorted before divorce-essential.Afterwards you'd have no chance.

[RockPaperCut]

So our mediation this morning I finally received his massively overinflated expense schedule. His anticipated his food costs are more than what I currently spend on all four of us. I was on fire, I stood my ground when he continued to assert that 450 was sufficient. I told him I wanted a majority share, explained my reasoning and that a court would likely grant it, to which he couldn't argue with really. The mediator remained silent throughout, then he stormed off and left midst session. He tried to discredit my SHL's advice because he's clearly looking out for my interests - yeah like your SHL is looking after your interests. It's really rattled him that I've changed solicitors (still the same firm though) just from female to male. Not that it makes a difference on the outcome.

I just can't get my head round his reasoning, he would rather see our dc live on benefits Monday to Friday, whilst spending weekends with him in 5 star hotels.

[tomatoplantproject]

Yay - go you!

Sounds like you are starting to get the measure him. Let the anger and outrage at his excessiveness drive you to getting yourself (and your children) the best possible outcome.

[nigelsbigface]

That's good op-was he always that childish? Storming out because he didn't get his way-absurd behaviour.
Glad it went well

[RockPaperCut]

Yes he has been fairly childish. It may have something to do with MIL never cutting the apron strings or being allowed to take responsibility for any negative behaviour.

Anyway, I've just got home to an empty house and I'm getting a little worried. It was his weekend, we had both agreed that dc should be home by 5ish so that they can wind down in time for tea, bath and bed. He doesn't often stick to this agreement but this is unusually late, especially with school in the morning.

[longingforalife]

It feels endlessly stressful - I so get that!

Hope everything is ok

[nigelsbigface]

Did the dc get back ok?

[RockPaperCut]

Yes they did nigel, although 2 hours late, tired, dirty and unfed. I guess this is what the future holds so I may as well get used to it.

[nigelsbigface]

Hopefully he'll calm Dow and grow up once he's got over his ego having been dented.Its just another way to assert his perceived power over you unfortunately.

[BigNsmall16]

Well said!!

[worridmum]

Are you in Scotland if so inheritance doesn't count as family pot so not entitled to half if not go for the very least 50%

[RockPaperCut]

Thankfully for me, not in Scotland. In my case funds were pooled at various points to purchase property. So unfortunately he wouldn't be able to use that argument. But we shall see how things turn out.

[43percentburnt]

If 450 is adequate then why doesn't he give you 1.15?

I promise you it will be you funding driving lessons, weddings, university, gap years. Greedy dad won't.

Take every penny you are legally entitled to. He will say you are greedy and money grabbing if you take 300 or 1.6. So take your legal entitlement.

[Startoftheyear2017]

I'm going through this. Hard to remain detached when in mediation but someone told me that I should be in the mindset that I'm in the meeting as the representative of my kids. I'm doing a deal for them. I actually visualised them in the room a couple of times! Helped keep me a bit calmer when things got heated.
Good luck!

[InDeNile]

Obviously he is using the language of what he "thinks it's adequate to give you", but be careful that you avoid doing the same...

IMO he isn't "giving" you anything, you are both discussing how to divide your joint marital assets (the whole £1.6m pot) between you. If you think of it like that there is absolutely no reason why HE would get to decide what is "adequate"! And why should "adequate" be the benchmark anyway? It certainly isn't in law, it's a starting point of 50/50.

I would be going for 50% absolute MINIMUM, so £0.8m...and if the DC are with you more than half the time, AND you have diminished earning capacity in the future due to years of childcare, I believe you would have a good chance of getting more than 50%, as I'm sure your SHL will be advising. Good luck, he sounds like a piece of work.