Should she think again before deciding on divorce?

[user1484760533]

Here’s my story (I apologise in advance that it’s very long, but if you’re interested in quite a unique and sad story, read on…I would really really appreciate the opinion of other women)

My wife and I have been together for 9.5 years and married for 4 years before we separated in August last year (I’m 34 years old and my wife is 32). Our relationship started off fantastically well, and we had a fantastic sexual relationship for the first 2 years. I really do think my wife is absolutely beautiful, she is in great shape, looks after herself. In terms of our relationship, we were literally like best friends and have huge amounts in common.

We have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with a lot so far. A grand wedding, a dream honeymoon to Bora Bora, great relationship between the two families, a beautiful 4 bedroom house in London, a new car, and a very well paid job. My wife has her own business which I helped her set up 4 years ago, and supported for the first 3 years, which was hard but something I wanted to support her with. We had a fantastic relationship and were blessed with a lot of what couples our age dream off.

However, my wife and I had a very very troubling issue that has plagued our relationship for 6 years (before marriage). After about 2 years of being together, I slowly started to loose physical intimacy for her. This escalated to where we could only have sex once a month, and then even less often. This naturally was very painful for my wife. This escalated to the point where she got depressed and had to go and see a counsellor as she thought there was something wrong with her. I felt confused and didn’t know what to do to fix it. It just didn’t make sense that the only person I couldn’t get an erection for was my wife….i still found females sexually attractive so I knew I wasn’t gay, I still found her hugely attractive so I knew it wasn’t her…and because I was so clueless, I just brushed it under the carpet stupidly thinking it will ‘fix itself somehow’.

Months turned into years and then we thought getting married would be the answer, but it didn’t fix it. We then thought moving out of my parents’ house into our own house would help, this also didn’t fix the issue. We did manage to have sex every few months or so, but it was mundane, not very exciting, and I was just trying to do it to please her. The issue got worse where I started to suffer from erectile dysfunction, but only with her. It was a very upsetting, especially for my wife.

On New Year ’s Day 2014, I finally decided to go and see a therapist and my GP, but neither helped us get closer to the answer. We both tried couples counselling but it felt like a waste of time. And then life continued, we ignored the issue, kept busy with other things….behind the scenes, my wife stopped being upset and angry, stopped mentioning the issue….i should have seen this as a sign that she was slowly giving up on our marriage….i see this now, but couldn’t then. Things were still good in other areas and we still showed each other a lot of affection and care, but it wasn’t how it should have been.

In 2016, last year, the start of the year started ok, we went on a fantastic holiday to Mauritius where we spent time together, had a great time, but we didn’t have sex. However, after May, things deteriorated fast…..Other people noticed things weren’t right. In July we finally addressed the issue, but 4 weeks later she thought that we should separate. I was devastated by knew we had hit rock bottom.

In the 6 weeks of separation I went into ‘action mode’…..i talked to more people about our issue (normally im a very private person), I talked to my wifes family, I went to see the doctor again, I went to see a third therapist (who did help with making sense of my feelings at least), I went to a Chinese doctor for acupuncture which did help with the stress, I seeked solace in God (im a Hindu) and prayed every day, and went to the temple every Monday, I read every article I could find about sexual issue’s in marriage, I made an appointment with a very expensive Harley Street clinic to check that I didn’t have a Testosterone issue, I increased my gym sessions to get fitter in case that helped, I gave her the space she asked for, carried on paying the full mortgage, left her the car. And even after she said she wanted a divorce, my family and I still attended her younger sisters engagement ceremony – it was the hardest day of my life but I didn’t for her. I had made real changes in those 6 weeks and over the last 5 months, which my wife also acknowledges and has commented positively on.

However, after the 6 weeks of separation, she had decided enough was enough, and that she wanted a divorce. She said she still loved me and cared for me as a person, but was no longer in love, and didn’t have any more energy to give. She has been seeing her therapist, but won’t let me come to a joint session. And she isn’t really talking to her friends and family about it. I was obviously devastated. Initially her issues were the lack of intimacy and starting a family, but as time went by she came up with other reasons – I think she was trying to convince herself that she is doing the right thing.

Some of the things that she has said are ‘she loves and cares for me as a person’, ‘she feels broken’, ‘she can’t give anymore’, ‘she wasn’t feeling like herself whilst being married’, ‘she’s doesn’t regret marrying me, but she regrets not resolving our issue before marrying me’, ‘she feels we became best friends, instead of a couple in love’.

The strange part is I actually found out the root of our issue only 2 months ago accidently by randomly typing different searches in Google….what I was suffering from was Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED)….its where you watch porn and your brain rewires itself to become stimulated to that level of sexual exposure….this means that a real partner sexually can no longer stimulate you as your brain expects the variety and intensity that porn provides…..it also has other symptoms such as brain fogging, loss of concentration, loss of appetite for real sex and real partners, reduced emotional intimacy, etc. The issue has only been around for the last 5-10 years due to high speed internet.

The problem I have is that I didn’t know it was the porn that was effecting me….. in my head, I could get an erection when watching porn, or seeing some other sexy female image/real life person on the street, so I assumed that my bodily function was ok and it must be psychological….i never put the porn and the erectile dysfunction (ED) together…my understanding of ED was it either works all of the time, or none of the time…. I never have cheated on my wife so I don’t know if this would have affected me with another real woman. I wasn’t and am not actually addicted to porn, I never have been, however I was doing it because it was a good stress reliever….if I had known that it was this that had caused all our problems and heartache, I would have stopped a long time ago…..the good news is its pretty straight forward to resolve the issue….its called ‘rebooting’ and you basically need to stop watching porn and masturbation totally…..depending on severity, it can take 3 – 12 months….in my case, more likely 3 months. None of my friends had even heard of it…..and after seeing the doctor twice, and 4 different therapists, none of them could diagnose it.

I am very confident that with couples therapy, now that we know what had affected our marriage and im on the road to recovery, I think we can have a very happy marriage together…..however my wife won’t change her mind…she is set on divorce. I really do love her and believe we have a marriage that can be saved...

Do you think she is giving up to early and should try to work things out one more time, or do you think she is making the right decision? I really do believe there is a good marriage that can be saved here….i know I should have tried harder and not left it so late, I punish myself every single day thinking about that….but I can only do something about tomorrow, and not the past….i would love to know what advice women who have been through divorce would give my wife if she was a close friend of yours…appreciate all the feedback.

Many thanks for reading,

Ricki

[LizB62A]

I guess our generation accept divorce more readily then previous.

No, our generation realise that we don't have to put up with a husband who is more interested in getting his rocks off via porn and masturbation rather than with his wife.

This is about you and not your "generation".
You threw away your marriage by leaving it far too late.
Other posters are right - your wife has moved on emotionally and it's far too late to fix it.

[Ricki6]

Thank you all, sincerely appreciate the time you have spent in reading and participating in the thread. I will take on board the opinions that i have read.

[MrsDustyBusty]

What do you think would happen in counselling?

[Ricki6]

@mrsdustybusty - at best, give herself time to think about the version of events based on her therapists view after the therapist talks to me (her therapist doesnt know my side of the story and has never met me) this may not change anything, and im not counting on therapist telling her she should give it another go, simply that the therapist can paint a real picture for her, both pro's and con's of divorce based on all the facts of our marriage. After that, its up to my wife, and what she decides is fine. Worst case scenario, she wont have to deal with the remotest chance of regret that she should have tried the joint counselling, even if the chance of regret maybe viewed as very low, there is always a possibility that it could ruin her life. I would honestly prefer that she lives the happiest life possible, but as with me, there is a real chance that future relationships dont turn out as expected, or even worse then ours.

[Viviene12]

What everyone else said. Just let her go and stop bloody bullying her even though I can imagine you whining about how much you love her and how good a husband you are.
It's over. Move on and leave the poor woman alone.

[Valentine2]

It does look like a very sad story OP. And I am sorry that you have gone through this. But I think I can fully understand your wife's side of it all.
I haven't RTFT but if you really love her, you should let her go. I don't think there is any coming back from this kind of thing at this stage.

[Ricki6]

@viviene12 - do not be disrespectful. i value everyone's opinions, but i will ask you not talk to me in the manor please.

[Ricki6]

Valentine2 - thank you valentine, yes chances are slim, and ultimately my wifes happiness is what is most important to me, even if thats without me.

[Viviene12]

You're free to report my post then, OP.

[humbugcentral]

OP given the majority of MN advice is to leave your wife be. What will you do with the advice? Will you still pursue her for couples counselling?

[picklemepopcorn]

If he respected her, humbug, he would realise it is for her to decide whether to try again. Not him, not us.
I suspect from his constant repetitions on here, he's only interested in hearing things which he agrees with.

[Ricki6]

@humbugcentral - i appreciate the views of most people on here, otherwise i wouldnt have posted my story in the first place, but ive got to ultimately do what my heart tells me. I will ask my wife once about couples counselling, if she declines (which is highly likely), i will respect her decision.

[Ricki6]

@picklemepopcorn - not really, ive agreed with other peoples opinions on posts on this thread numerous times and taken them on board. Ive made a mistake, unintentionally at that, which has caused someone i love dearly alot of heartache and pain, i dont take that lightly....but i havnt killed any one....im human, and humans make mistakes. Im now just trying to do that best i can to try and save the marriage, and although that is highly unlikely, if my wife still wants to divorce after i ask her once about counselling, then i will respect that.

[kittybiscuits]

Given your very poor behaviour, it is embarrassing to see you try and portray yourself as some kind of model husband. The things you have done are pretty standard for a loving partner. You seem to imply she owes you because of them. You sound like someone who has counted up everything you have done. I agree, selfishness shines through your posts. Let her go as she deserves, and tell everyone that you lost her through your own selfishness. Then do some work on yourself with a good psychotherapist because you inflict yourself on anyone else.

[kittybiscuits]

Years and years of pursuing your own selfish addiction at the expense of your marriage is not 'a mistake'.

[kittybiscuits]

It's not your website to come on here to be telling posters how they are allowed to speak to you. Are you for real?

[Viviene12]

Oh dear me.
Poor woman.
Houses in London and shiny cars would not make me as happy as a good shag would do ;-) she's too young to give up on life.
The only way she will ever agree to try again is if you wear her down or bully her into coming back to you.
Set her free if you love her. That's the best thing you can do for her.

[antimatter]

if we were talking about woman using porn and complaining about failure of her marriage your comment about "women using porn too" would be relevant. So far this is discussion about you OP using porn. Don't use this as your argument because you are making yourself sound like you are trying to minimalise the fact that your usage of porn contributed greatly to the failure of your marriage.

I quoted you saying that your wife is making an emotionally charged decision.
I rephrased it as you are complaining that she is over-emotional. Is that not the same?

[LoveDeathPrizes]

Dude, it took you six years to type that into google?

[kittybiscuits]

And you didn't think to mention it in the counselling that didn't help you?

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

She doesn't love you.

You eroded it with your behaviour. Over 6 years.

Once the love has gone, nothing will get it back.

My XH did exactly what you're doing. Killed my love, little by little each day. (In his case by consistently putting himself and his wants before my needs.). Then cried that he had my known what he was doing. We tried couples counselling. The counsellor simply said what everyone is saying to you now - that my (your wife's) decision was a valid one, and to let me (her) go.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

...hadn't known what he was doing...

[LoveDeathPrizes]

I'm calling it.

No one gets six years down the line of sexual soul-searching before they realise that porn use might be relevant.

I'm not claiming that 'so, tell me what else you do with your penis?' is a standard opener but any therapist would have definitely picked thIs up.

And you googled it only after therapy? Nope.

[Maverickismywingman]

OP, have you actually told your wife any of this?

Ok, so the majority say that once her mind is made up and I stand by that. I refer to a quote "when a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't".

And I think that you need to be accepting of her answer. However, I'm not sure, ultimately, how useful you coming to MN is when you have already decided that your wife is "throwing away your marriage".
So you don't want a divorce. I can understand that, but that's only because you've fixed your problem. Your wife may feel she needs to be alone to fix hers.

[Valentine2]

love
That looked odd to me too. If I put myself and DH in this scenario, I can't see why it wouldn't be discussed between us before it reached a therapist. And the OP says he didn't have it mentioned in any of the sessions he had? It just didnt make sense to me and still doesn't.