Should she think again before deciding on divorce?

[user1484760533]

Here’s my story (I apologise in advance that it’s very long, but if you’re interested in quite a unique and sad story, read on…I would really really appreciate the opinion of other women)

My wife and I have been together for 9.5 years and married for 4 years before we separated in August last year (I’m 34 years old and my wife is 32). Our relationship started off fantastically well, and we had a fantastic sexual relationship for the first 2 years. I really do think my wife is absolutely beautiful, she is in great shape, looks after herself. In terms of our relationship, we were literally like best friends and have huge amounts in common.

We have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with a lot so far. A grand wedding, a dream honeymoon to Bora Bora, great relationship between the two families, a beautiful 4 bedroom house in London, a new car, and a very well paid job. My wife has her own business which I helped her set up 4 years ago, and supported for the first 3 years, which was hard but something I wanted to support her with. We had a fantastic relationship and were blessed with a lot of what couples our age dream off.

However, my wife and I had a very very troubling issue that has plagued our relationship for 6 years (before marriage). After about 2 years of being together, I slowly started to loose physical intimacy for her. This escalated to where we could only have sex once a month, and then even less often. This naturally was very painful for my wife. This escalated to the point where she got depressed and had to go and see a counsellor as she thought there was something wrong with her. I felt confused and didn’t know what to do to fix it. It just didn’t make sense that the only person I couldn’t get an erection for was my wife….i still found females sexually attractive so I knew I wasn’t gay, I still found her hugely attractive so I knew it wasn’t her…and because I was so clueless, I just brushed it under the carpet stupidly thinking it will ‘fix itself somehow’.

Months turned into years and then we thought getting married would be the answer, but it didn’t fix it. We then thought moving out of my parents’ house into our own house would help, this also didn’t fix the issue. We did manage to have sex every few months or so, but it was mundane, not very exciting, and I was just trying to do it to please her. The issue got worse where I started to suffer from erectile dysfunction, but only with her. It was a very upsetting, especially for my wife.

On New Year ’s Day 2014, I finally decided to go and see a therapist and my GP, but neither helped us get closer to the answer. We both tried couples counselling but it felt like a waste of time. And then life continued, we ignored the issue, kept busy with other things….behind the scenes, my wife stopped being upset and angry, stopped mentioning the issue….i should have seen this as a sign that she was slowly giving up on our marriage….i see this now, but couldn’t then. Things were still good in other areas and we still showed each other a lot of affection and care, but it wasn’t how it should have been.

In 2016, last year, the start of the year started ok, we went on a fantastic holiday to Mauritius where we spent time together, had a great time, but we didn’t have sex. However, after May, things deteriorated fast…..Other people noticed things weren’t right. In July we finally addressed the issue, but 4 weeks later she thought that we should separate. I was devastated by knew we had hit rock bottom.

In the 6 weeks of separation I went into ‘action mode’…..i talked to more people about our issue (normally im a very private person), I talked to my wifes family, I went to see the doctor again, I went to see a third therapist (who did help with making sense of my feelings at least), I went to a Chinese doctor for acupuncture which did help with the stress, I seeked solace in God (im a Hindu) and prayed every day, and went to the temple every Monday, I read every article I could find about sexual issue’s in marriage, I made an appointment with a very expensive Harley Street clinic to check that I didn’t have a Testosterone issue, I increased my gym sessions to get fitter in case that helped, I gave her the space she asked for, carried on paying the full mortgage, left her the car. And even after she said she wanted a divorce, my family and I still attended her younger sisters engagement ceremony – it was the hardest day of my life but I didn’t for her. I had made real changes in those 6 weeks and over the last 5 months, which my wife also acknowledges and has commented positively on.

However, after the 6 weeks of separation, she had decided enough was enough, and that she wanted a divorce. She said she still loved me and cared for me as a person, but was no longer in love, and didn’t have any more energy to give. She has been seeing her therapist, but won’t let me come to a joint session. And she isn’t really talking to her friends and family about it. I was obviously devastated. Initially her issues were the lack of intimacy and starting a family, but as time went by she came up with other reasons – I think she was trying to convince herself that she is doing the right thing.

Some of the things that she has said are ‘she loves and cares for me as a person’, ‘she feels broken’, ‘she can’t give anymore’, ‘she wasn’t feeling like herself whilst being married’, ‘she’s doesn’t regret marrying me, but she regrets not resolving our issue before marrying me’, ‘she feels we became best friends, instead of a couple in love’.

The strange part is I actually found out the root of our issue only 2 months ago accidently by randomly typing different searches in Google….what I was suffering from was Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED)….its where you watch porn and your brain rewires itself to become stimulated to that level of sexual exposure….this means that a real partner sexually can no longer stimulate you as your brain expects the variety and intensity that porn provides…..it also has other symptoms such as brain fogging, loss of concentration, loss of appetite for real sex and real partners, reduced emotional intimacy, etc. The issue has only been around for the last 5-10 years due to high speed internet.

The problem I have is that I didn’t know it was the porn that was effecting me….. in my head, I could get an erection when watching porn, or seeing some other sexy female image/real life person on the street, so I assumed that my bodily function was ok and it must be psychological….i never put the porn and the erectile dysfunction (ED) together…my understanding of ED was it either works all of the time, or none of the time…. I never have cheated on my wife so I don’t know if this would have affected me with another real woman. I wasn’t and am not actually addicted to porn, I never have been, however I was doing it because it was a good stress reliever….if I had known that it was this that had caused all our problems and heartache, I would have stopped a long time ago…..the good news is its pretty straight forward to resolve the issue….its called ‘rebooting’ and you basically need to stop watching porn and masturbation totally…..depending on severity, it can take 3 – 12 months….in my case, more likely 3 months. None of my friends had even heard of it…..and after seeing the doctor twice, and 4 different therapists, none of them could diagnose it.

I am very confident that with couples therapy, now that we know what had affected our marriage and im on the road to recovery, I think we can have a very happy marriage together…..however my wife won’t change her mind…she is set on divorce. I really do love her and believe we have a marriage that can be saved...

Do you think she is giving up to early and should try to work things out one more time, or do you think she is making the right decision? I really do believe there is a good marriage that can be saved here….i know I should have tried harder and not left it so late, I punish myself every single day thinking about that….but I can only do something about tomorrow, and not the past….i would love to know what advice women who have been through divorce would give my wife if she was a close friend of yours…appreciate all the feedback.

Many thanks for reading,

Ricki

[Ricki6]

@mrsdustybusty - honestly, i would have stopped there and then - thats my point, i wasnt addicted to porn (yes thats what all addicts say), but the trust is i wasnt - i was unaware that it was causing the issue hense why it went on for so long undetected. as you put it, if i knew that it was the porn that caused me to not be able to have normal relations, well guess what, i wouldnt have carried on!

I know most people wont believe me, but i have no reason to lie to strangers who dont even know me. Im on here because i want peoples opinion, so it would be counter productive to lie.

@gazelda - no she never asked, i dont think she knew that i did it often, and no we never watched together.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

You didn't try hard enough, not just for a little while but for 6 years. You couldn't be bothered until it was too late and now she's done. Let her go, for goodness sake.

[Ricki6]

@Bluntness100 - cant argue with you, i reacted too late, and only when i realised things were at rock bottom. i wouldnt say too little, but definitely most likely too late.

I guess our generation accept divorce more readily then previous.

[Ricki6]

I would, and will, but i will only happily do it after we attend couples counselling. if it doesnt save the marriage, fair enough, but it will atleast allow us to get closure and move on - my wife isnt talking to anyone, not even her family, and acting like everything's fine - i get why she is doing that, but i know her well after 10 years of being together, it will haunt her later when reality settles in or effect a future relationship. This goes for me to. Plus, couples not on the same page about divorce usually end up having messy divorces. if we are both on the same page, the divorce process is much more likely to go smoother, which benefits both of us

[Gazelda]

If you don't think she knew you used porn often, then how the heck can you think she would have researched and cone to the ck clusion that porn over-use was causing your intimacy problems?!

And I think you are making far too much of a point that you believe she is looking to divorce too lightly. Good for you if you think divorce should be the last resort. Maybe she does too, but she didn't think you cared enough about her or wanted a family life with her, otherwise you'd have sought help 5-6 years ago.
Let her go.

[Bluntness100]

Jeez, sounds like uour threatening to make this a nasty divorce if she doesn't go to couples councilling.

And yes our generation do accept divorce more acceptable and quite rightly so.

[Ricki6]

@gazelda - the porn makes little difference to the point your making, i only found out about the issue by googling 'ed only with my wife'....no mention of porn, i didnt even know the porn was anything to do with it - my wife had pretty much the same info as me in relation to trying to find the cause....she knew i had ed, and she know it was only with her.

on your second point, i cant argue with that, you are right. i guess im just clutching at straws trying everything i can, selfishly probably, but more because i dont want any regrets... like "i should have tried x, or y"....not sure if you can relate to that or not. im not a bad person, im not trying to hurt her anymore then i have, just trying to save something that probably cant be saved. its damn hard.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

What are you on about, our generation? Surely you don't think everyone posting is of the same generation? People just don't agree with you.
I'm not sure how you plan on getting your wife to go to couples counselling, or how you think you know what she wants better than she does, but best of luck.

[Ricki6]

@bluntness100 - no not at all, neither of us want a messy divorce, just stating what i have read in multiple places of authority, i havnt been through divorce, so dont have experience of what its like, hence just reading up on what to expect, and how to handle things. sorry if you feel i was threatening, i wasnt, and wouldnt.

[Ricki6]

@EverythingEverywhere1234 - fair enough, i respect your view. i guess my point is i think if we asked people whom have been through divorce, and people who havnt, i suspect we will get different views on whether this particular situation should end in divorce now, or whether professional help should be explored as a last resort. my point is divorce isnt necessarily the path to the happy life my wife is maybe expecting, and neither is staying, i get that, but atleast get a second opinion from a professional. nothing wrong with that no matter the circumstances. sometimes you need to do things you dont want to do. what harm will come in the long term from trying it.

[antimatter]

My point is that i dont think my wife has fully thought this through, and is making an emotionally charged decision. I think she made exactly the right decision

she thought it through and being in love is an emotional stuff

you must have been using porn as you met her and all this time, did she know about it?

your story should be read by all men who do exactly that - use porn and then blame partner that she is over-emotional?

[Ricki6]

antimatter - im not saying she's being over emotional, when did i say that? im not blaming using porn on her, i have not implied that once. the root of our issue is my fault, totally.

By the way, nothing related to my issue, but women use porn too, in response to your point about 'all men'. it probably should be read by all men and women who watch porn.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

But did your wife know how much porn you were watching?
Did any of your doctors? I know that when asked by their GP, "How much do you drink?", everyone lies.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

But you are asking people who have been through divorce and people who haven't..? Mumsnet is a real mix, in case you hadn't noticed.

[Ricki6]

@BreakfastAtSquiffanys - no to be honest she didnt, i must admit, she new i watched for sure, but not in any detail. and no my doctor didnt ask. but the significant thing is none of the 4 therapists asked about the porn....i DID tell them i watched porn, as that was the way to explain to them that i only had ED with my wife, but sadly none of them went into any depth with me on that...cant hold them responsible however, ultimately responsibility lies with me. i guess the thing to take from this whole situation is that greater awareness about PIED is needed in our society.

@EverythingEverywhere1234 - oh ok, i wasnt aware, im new on here and wrong assumed that majority of view points come from people who havnt experienced divorce, to reflect that fact that most of the UK population havnt been divorced. my mistake!

[Gazelda]

I bet that in years to come, you'll blame the breakdown of your marriage on your wife's refusal to go to couples counselling, rather than simply accepting that you had a problem that you weren't able to work through together.
Divorce isn't something to be ashamed of. It isn't a sign of failure.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

It's a little disingenuous to say "people should know that watching porn can damage people, look what it's done to me".
Porn DOES damage people, the actors who make it, the women who masturbate on YouTube to pay for their drug habit, the young women who feel they have to perform in a certain way sexually because their boyfriend tells them "everyone" does it.
Porn is fake sex. They might be actually having sex, but it's still not real. Real sex is messy, it can be boring, it can be extremely funny. It can be intimate and loving. It's rarely like porn.
In porn no-one has to sleep on the damp patch.

[Ricki6]

Gazelda - again i honestly wont lie, i have no reason to on here, but knowing the kind of person i am, i dont think i will blame my wife for the failure of or marriage....its clearly my fault, i made a huge error in judgement, and for that i will have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life...whether people want to believe me or not, my wifes happiness comes before mine...i just simply think she will be happier with me then without - that might be taken as very big headed of myself, suggesting that no one else can make my wife happy, but i just think theres quite a big chance that she will regret the decision in the future, but i guess thats her risk to take.

regarding the sign of failure, thank you sincerely, means alot that people do have some sympathy for this really sad situation. there was no intentional aim to hurt my wife and my marriage....just blindness

[Ricki6]

BreakfastAtSquiffanys - i agree with you, but doesnt take away from that fact that in the real world, people dont know that it has this effect. and that is a fact. hense why i was just making a point that awareness needs to be raised about the problem....just like awareness if being raised on the effect of sugary drinks on obesity, or such.

[picklemepopcorn]

Just to recap, in the ten years you have been married, for eight years you have had ED with your wife, for many of those years you lived with your parents, for all of those years you watched a lot of porn, for two years you have both had counselling.

Despite all that you think she will be happier with you, that you know better than her, that you will have regrets if you have not tried everything (she already has).

It's not something she can just switch on because you want her to, and anyway she may really really not want to. Why should she? You do not own her. Let her go.

[picklemepopcorn]

You asked in your OP if she should think again. I think we have all, completely every last one of us, said 'no'.

[Ricki6]

picklemepopcorn - thank you, i appreciate your opinion. i didnt say i own her, but we were not aware of the cause during the 6 years of no intimacy - no we do, and it probably wont change her mind, fine, but even if its just for the sake of doing it, to cross the t's and dot the i's, its not completely unreasonable to suggest that we go couple counselling considering the new information. from her point of view, worst case scenario it may allow her to ensure that she is less likely to have regrets in the future - regrets are normal no matter the circumstances

[AnyFucker]

You know you said there was no abuse in your relationship ?

I beg to differ

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

There's no point in counselling. The ship has sailed.
Crossing the ts and dotting the is? That would just be so that you could say "I couldn't help it". It won't change how she feels.

Let her go.

[humbugcentral]

She doesn't want to be with you. You have to accept that rather than use manipulative bullying tactics. And by this I mean stating that given your "new" knowledge of the cause of your ED she should attend couples counselling.

And what you are doing is manipulative bullying. Dress it up as you wish but that's exactly what it is.

It's over. She says it's over so it's over.