Adultery and English Law

[Clarita12345]

What does the English law says about a cheating husband in a married relationship with 3 kids, a joint mortgaged house?
What are my rights?
Thank you

[Clarita12345]

Is there any phone line I could call to have a chat with s.one when I feel down & lonely. I really need to chat to s.one.
Mr, despite all his cheating affairs and the latest one in our own home slept with me twice and said that he loves making L... to me... He also said that we could keep up the sex life but no commitment as he would still want to go out and have fun!!!
And guess what, he did go out on Saturday from 9:30 till 3:30 in the morning. I obviously asked to stay but he didn't and said that I shouldn't control him like a child... He also said that the employee who he slept with in our own home wasn't a one off.
To recap, he wants us to be in a ménage a trois. Something I cannot put my head around..!

[Greengrow]

How awful. If we could get women to read threads like this because they give up their careers for the children they might make more informed choices. On the other hand there are plenty of divorce mothers who get large settlements such as a house in Hampstead. I have a friend who got entangled after his divorce with a lady who was divorcing. She got £3m from her first husband (she has never worked for a day even despite the children being at boaring school) and then persuaded my friend to pay a third of the cost of a country house for her to live in and him and he sold his country house to help pay. Luckily they had a written contract. As soon as he moved in she started being awful and it took well over a year for a court to order she must sell. Instead she found rich man number 3 who bought out my friend's third. She goes from rich man to rich man getting richer every time. Instead I paid out to my ex as I earned so much more than he did. To be left with 100% carer of the children/having to pay for their care, working full time, not even one night a year their father has them and paying him nearly £1m is not a very balanced deal but you cannot force a man to see or spend time with his children under the law so there we are. Better than the opposite - my never being allowed to see the children I am sure and at least we can get by financially because I work full time.

Okay good solicitors. It comes down to cost. I would try to think about what is a fair settlement, do as much negotiation with your other half directly to keep costs down. We spent £20k on divorce lawyer costs - I paid both side's bills and had no court hearings. I met a man whose wife had used the same firm as the one I did and she spent £200k as there were loads of court hearings over years. I think that's a waste. I would rather my ex had some of that money than waste it on lawyers like I am. (I don't do divorce). Some people instead would rather all the money went to lawyers rather than to their other half but that is just silly. Both sides need to compromise and get on with their lives.

There are lots of good divorce lawyers around. Even if you just go to one for one hour of advice so you get an overall picture of things it is worth doing it. I used the firm Withers but they are in London and expensive. We had no court hearings and my husband and I negotiated with each other and then had the lawyers draw up a written agreement on finances which the court approved in a court order - that is then a binding financial settlement. We had a clean break so neither of us claims continuing maintenance from the other. I did not want to be paying him maintenance for the next 30 years.

[Clarita12345]

Thank you all and best of luck to cannotseeanend.
Where and how do I find a good and solicitor? Thanx

[cannotseeanend]

My husband moved straight into a huge 4 bed detached house with his thing, yet continued to lie to courts about where he was living. His house with his thing, she lives in on the grouns she is a single parent (she has never been a single parent, she kicked hubby out and moved my hubby in) and has a court order allowing her to live there as a single parent, despite her having my husband there. I offered him an equal settlement by buying him out and that would have given him enough to buy and 2 or 3 bed in our town, but oh no that is not enough, it has to be 2/3 of assets because he says he has to buy thing's house of his lover's husband and they live in a very expensive area and houses are double the price of our town!!! I am dumbfounded, not just that we have to be made homeless to pay for my husband's desire to buy thing's house of HER husband, but that he has forgotten he has kids of his own. I feel every day like giving up and accepting, because almost every day I am bothered by him, lawyer or court, whilst trying to hold it all together.

Greegrow has it right, my great regret to make the decision to put the needs of the kids first in going part time, because in the end it didn't put them first did it, my decision to lose my career is going to cost them our home, so that husband and thing can have a huge 4 bed house, I have more kids that thing, yet we will have to give up our home for the kids of 2 dkifferent dads who pay maintenenance, unlike my husband, it's win win win for my husband and thing and their new luxury life, whilst my kids already share rooms and looks like I'll lose my bedroom, I've got a freecycle sofabed I'm about to collect.

Clarita, wish you all the best, life doesn't go the way you expect it sometimes, I don't know how I get through the day, I just think of the kids and some day I hope to be able to think of me too. It awful what some men(and women) are able to do to their own partners and children. Do what is morally right, what you feel is right inside you. It's awful awful. I do wish we had legal means of stopping these shy parents.

[Greengrow]

It is as pnik says. Also if the mother earns more (as I did and many women these days do than their husband) then of course it could even be be reversed - husband gets house until children are 18 or remarriage/cohabitation and wife moves out and earns to support them all. In other words it is gender neutral.

Cannot, poor you. What an awful story. Sadly the lesson for many women is never give up full time work even when babies are born as men can shaft you over or disappear with all the money. The best thing I ever did almost was only taking a few weeks off work and going back full time (and working until labour started). It has made a massive difference to how my and the children's lives are. The thinking they are happily married women on mumsnet who every week give up full time work and think their man will stand by them forever or divorce law means he cannot hide or spend money need to read the divorce threads to see what happens when women give up their careers.

[Pinkfrocks]

Not necessarily Clarita.
If your ex H would not have anywhere to live then the odds are the house would be sold. It all depends on how much you both earn. If you live in a 4 bed house and he would have to live in a bedsit then the courts might think this unfair. You might be asked to sell, move into a 3 bed house ( 2 children share a room) and that would release some money to enable the H to buy somewhere. If you want precise answers then book a free half hour session with a solicitor.

[Clarita12345]

So when you divorce and are both joint owners, the split goes 50/50 anyway...! I have heard that the mum keeps the house until the younger so child is 18. Mine out of 3 is only 2 year old.

[Clarita12345]

Thank you all for your replies, special thank you for cannotseeanend for sharing her sad story with us. Wish you all the best in the future, have faith and stay strong...you will one day hear that his lies turned against him...

[cannotseeanend]

My husband lied tou court about where he lives, how much he earns, when he left me (has given various different dates), lied aobut how much maintenance he gives kids (given various different amounts). He threatened to kill me and has a criminal record for DV against me and kids. All this he did yet they allowed him to divorce me without consent and whilst I was hospitalized too. Then they allow him to be late with his paperwork and not be penalized. Then they will of course give him the 2/3 of assets he has demanded as absent parent whilst parent with half a football team of kids to look after and a job I have to fit around kids against his high ranking better earning full time job, he will get his 2/3 I am sure because the courts do not care about DV victims, about the fact that respondents are actually hospitalized and get penalized for failing to be on time with paperwork they never even received.
English courts, I am beyond belief that injustice happens like this.

All I have left is the love of my kids and friends and I know I have done nothing wrong morally. My kids and me live with holes in shoes, spend £20 a week on food each because there is no more to spare, whilst I watch the thing spending through 2.5k in jewellery, 2.5k going out, 2.5k on clothes, 2k on electricals, spending almost double their income, the rest came from my life savings. Their behaviour has been shameful, yet the English court do not care they have spent it all. Tough on my kids I have been told. Tough on them. Lucky kids of thing with their luxury lifestyle. Adultery gained it for them.

[cannotseeanend]

My husband had no proof on unreasonable behaviour, the court ignored my protests, he stole the family savings and ran away, I was in hospital and knew nothing, came out of hospital to find he'd got a non consensual divorce. I'd say being beaten makes me NOT to blame for my husband committing adultery, not to blame for stealing the family savings, not guilty for stealing the family car. The courts ignore the majority of corresponance, my husband can refuse to give full financial disclosure but me, victim of DV and no right to legal aid, I give the courts everything. I am shocked at the unfairness of English courts. My husband has taken our lives away.He has asked for 2/3 of family home which will force a sale if he succeeds and leave his kids without a family home and renting forever, yet I earn less, I care exclusively for the kids, he doesn't see them his coice, whilst he and his thing and 3 kids from 2 different dads who got through my life savings going out 3 nights a week, going abroad on hoidays, spending 10 times on themselves as he gave to his own kids in maintenance, ignoring the maintenance order and paying only 1/3 of it, I get 20% of his declared net income in maintenance, the judge awarded much more than that, can I get the order enforced, well of course not because he stole my life savings and I have no money to take him to court to enforce the order!!!! I am now in debt, have no money, he took it all, he lives the high life. His thing is unfortunate in the long run, having attached herself and spent my life savings, her, her kids for whom she gets maintenance from the dads, that's not enough, she's spent my money too.

It's for from a no fault system. The English system is for those who are rich enough, dishonest enough and steal their partner's life savings, or for those with absolutely no assets at all AND dv victims as they are the only ones who get legal aid. I am innocent. I was beaten, I had to watch my husband abandon me, I then had to find out a thing from a place just east of a big airport spending my life savings. You'd be amazed at her profession and his too. So much for Public servants and their codes of conduct, broken completely, disgraceful behaviour, they'll end up getting promoted I'm sure for their poor behaviour.

It's a great pity adultery seems to work in the favour of those who do it, ripping apart 2 families.

Sorry us chumps have no right. Chump Lady is great for cheering yourself up in this situation. Adultery is awful.

[Gotoitgirl]

Yes the above posters are right. No 'blame' is attached to a divorce but an admission or proof of adultery will help speed a divorce along, otherwise it would have to be the basis of 2 years separation or unreasonable behaviour ( and you need to keep a log going back no more than 6 months from when you petition.)

You would more than likely receive maintenance for the children ( the figure often given is 20% of his salary of he is the main earner) and maybe more than a 50% share of your joint assets if you have reduced earning power due to looking after the children.

[Greengrow]

In English law there is one ground for divorce only - that the marriage has irretrievably broken down. You can prove that by showing unreasonable behaviour, adultery, separation for 2 years with consent (or separation for 5 years with no consent of the other person to the divorce) etc.

It is a no fault divorce system which has worked very well compared to 50 years ago when fault was at the heart of it. IN most divorces both sides are to blame. It does not matter if one side has beat the other to a pulp or had 100 lovers the money arrangements are identical to where both are impeccable.

What the law starts with is a 50/50 split of assets. So if both are fairly well off and half the assets each is enough (leaving aside financial support for children) to house them then that is the divide. In many cases couples are very poor and 50% would mean the children are homeless and the lower earner unable to feed her or himself so a different split is agreed. I earned 10x my husband so he got more than half. It is just impossible to generalise therefore on who gets what.

[Familyguyfan]

I'm not an expert at all but from my reading on here I believe that the adultery is largely irrelevant in the eyes of the law. I believe the starting point for monies is 50:50 then other factors are considered, largely length of marriage I believe. I think the starting point for children is also 50:50 accessbut then varied depending on other factors (availability, how much a parent might want etc).

Mediation also seems to be a big issue and certainly encouraged if possible.