Advice on splitting time with children

[mum4firsttime]

I am soon to be divorcing DH and need to consider how to split access to my DS who is 3. I am the primary carer and DH does not have his own apartment / house currently and will be staying at his parents until he decides his next move (which could be on his own or with a partner). I understand we both need to have quality time with our DS and I do think (although not a priority right now) I will need personal time to start rebuilding my life. I feel offering up alternate weekends will be too much for now because he doesn't have a permanent base and I think that will be too much for my DS at the moment as he is very attached to me as DS left us for over a year (although he visited regularly) and will be leaving the house in a week after being back for a month. Can you let me know what works for you or provide any advice? Thanks.

What does your Ex want to do about contact ?

For young children a little bit of time more often is better, two weeks is a really long time for a 3 year old to go without seeing one of his parents. Those who do every other weekend (EOW) usually also have a weeknight each week too, rather than only the fortnightly visit.

If your ex doesn't have space for DS to stay over then taking him out (dinner, soft play, park etc) for a few hours twice a week would be better than a full weekend once a fortnight. If your ex is amicable then perhaps he can stay and put DS to bed while you go out for the evening occasionally too.

What did you do while he was out of the house for a year?

The year he was away his visiting was a bit random to start with so I agreed certain days with him which included coming over every Tues and Thurs night (thurs he picked DS up at 3pm) and every Sunday. He also rang every day but DS always slept at home. I suppose we could go back to that and just agree separately if either of us want a hol or weekend away. It was very hard at the time as I was so upset he had left me and was with another woman (only recently admitted the affair). Having that daily contact was a killer as i knew he only wanted contact for my son and not me which was hard to take. I guess with everything in the open it may get easier 2nd time round. We are also at that stage where neither of us like the other taking our DS on holiday separately - I guess things normalise after a while?

There are a million things to get angry at the ex about during this time - money, property, all of that kind of thing. If he's a good (and safe) father though then try and not let access be one of the things that you fight over if possible. Not only because if he is good with your DS then DS will gain from having both parents in his life, but also because if your ex does share well this will give you valuable time to yourself. Don't underestimate how important having time to yourself is!!!

Feel free to be as unreasonable as you want about money though

Seriously though, if you can work it out together, and trust ex to look after your son, then try give the ex at least a few days a week with DS. If weekends are too much then maybe just day trips for now, but work your way up to an over night stay at some point.

And then it's time for

Thanks - good points that really help :-)